For not wanting to give daughter cultural name

[Sia2822]

Hello
I am irish living in the UK (my parents are both Irish and we moved here when I was 2) My partner is Tongan in the pacific islands born in New Zealand in to the Māori culture.

Our first child (a son) was named a Māori name as he wanted and we went through all the names and compromised on one.

I really want to call our daughter Orla which is an Irish name, I don’t just want to call her Orla because it’s an Irish name, I want to use it because I’ve always loved that name and said I’d call future child it. If he doesn’t like that name (which he says he doesn’t) then I have 20 or so other options I like but he just says he doesn’t like them all. He doesn’t even think after I say the name, it’s just an instant no. I’ve asked him to find some baby girl names he likes and he made a list but they’re all Māori names and to be honest I don’t like them. He’s asked me to find a Māori girls name that I do like and although I’m sure there is a few I will like, I want to choose a name I truly want this time not be restricted to a certain culture of names.

Ive told partner that baby may be half tongan but she is also half Irish so it shouldn’t matter if she’s named a Māori name or not, his response to that was Ireland and England have “no culture”. I’ve suggested a Māori name as a middle name but he’s having none of it. Says baby needs a Māori name and that if she has an Irish or English name his family will feel hugely disrespected and that it’s important baby holds her culture in her name.

AIBU for not wanting to choose a cultural name this time?

I don’t like the sound of this man. Not one bit.

So he gets a pass to insult other cultures. Was he forced to leave his culture and live amidst people he think are inferior to him?

Also, if this is his way of preserving his culture, he will insist on his ways in the name of preserving his culture in future too.

I am from another culture and living aboard has caused no threat to my culture, nor I feel the need to insult other cultures and insist we are better.

He can’t have all the names. If the DC have his surname then he can’t have the first names too. Your surname, his choice of first name. His surname, your choice of first name. That said, in your shoes I’d name her whatever you like. What’s he gonna do? 🤷‍♀️

If other cultures are more racist, then they need to change their ways, not be accommodated.

They certainly won’t see themselves as Irish if they have a father who doesn’t recognise Irish culture. I find it telling that you didn’t touch on his disrespect for Irish culture. I also don’t think it’s for you to say how these children will identify if you are not the person raising them!

Sorry I'm confused, how is he Maori when he is Tongan? Or did you mean to say that he was brought up in the Polynesian culture? Both groups are Polynesian but are distant relatives of each other. Sorry to go off topic.

https://culturalatlas.sbs.com.au/tongan-culture/tongan-culture-core-concepts

I think it was rude what he said but maybe you both need to sit down and talk so that he can try to understand where you're coming from and why you feel the way you do.

Which surname will she have op? Somehow I suspect it's not yours. Him not being willing to compromise at all does not bode well for the future. I would tell him to do one, and call your daughter what you want.

OP, with all due respect I think your partner is conning you.
How Will his DP feel better “respected” by your using Māori name? The Tongan language is very different from Māori as are names.
He may feel an affinity to Te Reo Māori and the culture but in NZ, in my experience, the cultures are very distinct and there is no concept of “mix and match”. So it looks very much like your partner is using this as a power game for reasons of his own, or his own preferences.
Ironically Orla is not so very different to the Māori word Ora — there is no L in te reo Maori (though there is in Tongan).
BTW is your partner’s family living in the UK? Have they even made their preferences known — not that it ought to influence your decision.
Good luck.

my husband is kurdish, i named all 3 of mine, his choices were terrible. My kids have a mix of names that are known in most countries

He’s staggeringly ignorant about Irish and English culture, but also about how culture works generally. Nowhere is without culture. What a weird and arrogant thing of him to say.

Call her Orla. I feel that if you don’t stand your ground he’ll feel he’s also got sole decision making on what schools they go to, who their friends can be, and what you’re all having for tea every night.

This. Your husband sounds an arse.

I just went and asked Chat GPT to suggest a Tongan girls name that sounded like Orla. It has suggested Ora which I think is really pretty and could keep you both happy?

Both Ireland and England have a rich culture, he needs to get an education, he sounds like an ignorant dick to be honest, tell him he named the last baby and you're naming this one, end of

He is Tongan not Māouri... although he is obviously either dismissive or ignorant about your own culture op could he be using your own ignorance of his culture against you, sounds more like he is using this as a way to manipulate you to get his way.
This is less about cultures imo but rather how he views you which is clearly less than him.

He sounds confused about what he wants in life.

if culture is so important surely you would find a soul mate in someone who shares your cultural values who will help you uphold them. Of course a respectful partner from any background can help with this but it needs to be two way especially if the other partner’s culture is important to them. Both cultures should be important to both of you otherwise one partner will feel disrespected and looked down upon. Not a nice feeling in a supposed loving relationship.

I am south Asian and know plenty of interracial couples that manage to give their kids both identities. It just goes abit pear shaped when they split up as then it’s a power struggle. The men who want it all about their culture are usually controlling misogynists so reflect on whether there are other red flags you are possibly ignoring. You aren’t even split up yet he’s being really rude about your culture. This will just worse and life will always be a battle with someone like him. Think about long term.

and I agree with pp. you need to make sure the forename now needs to be the Irish of Irish names that he wished he agreed to Orla (lovely name btw)

Yes I’m wondering this too!

@JustAMinutePleass I'm sorry, but I think it's the Mother's culture the one that influences the most, in most cases, our identity (think of the concept "Mother tongue"). In addition to that, they will be raised in the mother's country, so... As for your cousin's story, it makes precisely the point I'm trying to make: your cousin (Indian, I assume?) named her daughters names of their father's culture and they have difficulties identifying with their father's culture (not their mother's). I'm sorry their father's side of the family "rejected" them: that's just awful.

We have tried to preserve another culture, but largely our kids want to identify with their friends, a name that is Maori will really stick out here. I would go for something that lets them blend in and stick to your guns.

How long has your partner lived in the UK? In my experience, it's not unusual for Tongans to perceive Palangi as having 'no culture' but if he's lived here for some time, there's no reason why he should still hold this view. Why not speak with his family and get their view on this.

The cheek of him to say Ireland has no culture.

You have a lot bigger problems that to what to name a child.

Extremely xenophobic and racist of him to say England and Ireland have no culture.

Oral is beautiful! Always loved that. Your turn to choose now. x

I know very little about the Maori culture but I know a lot about Ireland.

In Ireland, particularly now religion has died, first names are usually chosen for their attractiveness rather than their cultural significance. If In Maori culture names are chose for cultural reason then perhaps your OP does have a stronger claim to the name than you.

In simpler terms, names are not that important to us. Of course we want one we like but that is as far as it goes. It might not be so simple for the Maori.

Taking turns doesn't always work. If I married an Afghan man, I wouldn't be happy saying one of my daughters will be educated as I wish, and one will not be educated as you wish (with apologies to all decent Afghan men who educate or try to educate their daughters).