For not wanting to give daughter cultural name

[Sia2822]

Hello
I am irish living in the UK (my parents are both Irish and we moved here when I was 2) My partner is Tongan in the pacific islands born in New Zealand in to the Māori culture.

Our first child (a son) was named a Māori name as he wanted and we went through all the names and compromised on one.

I really want to call our daughter Orla which is an Irish name, I don’t just want to call her Orla because it’s an Irish name, I want to use it because I’ve always loved that name and said I’d call future child it. If he doesn’t like that name (which he says he doesn’t) then I have 20 or so other options I like but he just says he doesn’t like them all. He doesn’t even think after I say the name, it’s just an instant no. I’ve asked him to find some baby girl names he likes and he made a list but they’re all Māori names and to be honest I don’t like them. He’s asked me to find a Māori girls name that I do like and although I’m sure there is a few I will like, I want to choose a name I truly want this time not be restricted to a certain culture of names.

Ive told partner that baby may be half tongan but she is also half Irish so it shouldn’t matter if she’s named a Māori name or not, his response to that was Ireland and England have “no culture”. I’ve suggested a Māori name as a middle name but he’s having none of it. Says baby needs a Māori name and that if she has an Irish or English name his family will feel hugely disrespected and that it’s important baby holds her culture in her name.

AIBU for not wanting to choose a cultural name this time?

Omg- Orla!!!!!!!! Bloody auto correct!!! So sorry 😂

I have only read the OP and I want to tell him to fuck off.
He can't stop you naming the child whatever you want since you're not married. He can't get his way all the time. You have honoured his background and now it's the turn of yours. No culture indeed

England and Ireland both have brilliant culture. He sounds insufferable.

This.
@JustAMinutePleass using racism to justify more racism.

I would be telling him that the Pacific Islands are that way >>>>>>

What does he let you have a say in?

@JustAMinutePleass
sorry I think you’re talking crap. I’m Pakistani but we have a couple of Christian south Indian families on our street who are very dark skinned and I didn’t even bat an eyelid that they have ‘white’ names. They are as Indian as my Hindu friends with very traditional names. Actually in parts of the south many have Spanish sounding names. And I also know some Indians and Pakistanis with English names, nobody cares and these people love their ethnic backgrounds, they just aren’t bothered about the name so I find it odd your family have rejected these girls, perhaps they are being racist because they’re not ‘full blood’ rather than having a non traditional name.

I do personally think he's being unfair and very rude re. your culture. But I don't think the way forward to is to go and name the baby without him or "put your foot down". That's just pitting you against one another and will make your relationship worse. I think you need to make him understand how hurtful his words are and why it's so important to you that both of your children don't have names from his culture only. You should be able to articulate your feelings to him and he should be able to try and understand you and want to please you as much as you want to please him.

I wouldn't. Because countering racism with racism is also disgusting.

What surname do they have? Our boys have English first and middle names because they have a very difficult (for English speakers anyway) surname. If we had a girl, she would have a cultural middle name. I personally wouldn't give my kids very different first names.

Sorry I probably should have clarified this better.
His mum is from Tonga and emigrated from Tonga to NZ, his dad is Māori indigenous to New Zealand. He considers both cultures to be very similar. He doesn’t mind whether the name is Tongan or Māori (although he sways to Māori)

Ive allowed my children to be christened instead of baptised (I am a catholic) I let my son wear his traditional clothing on events which is a sort of dress called a taʻovala. His culture also says that a boy should be circumcised at age 7-15 then there is a celebration after which celebrates them “becoming a man”, he wants to go to Tonga for this when son is old enough (7 in 2 years) I’ve put my foot down about that and apparently that’s disrespectful too. My son is also semi fluent in tongan (taught by him) I know if I was to mention my son learning Gaelic (not that he could as I don’t know it) he would hit the roof.

I probably should have researched his culture more and I am constantly learning, I don’t mind his culture having a role in my life but I am not Tongan nor Māori so I just feel like I should not have to live the culture all the time and it should be mixed cultures.

Yes son has his sir name and it’s not an English sounding surname but it’s not unpronounceable or anything. It’s only 5 letters long.

My dcs are half Spanish ( dh is Spanish and I am English)
Before we married we decided on how any future dcs were to be named.
It was important for dh that his dcs were given his surname. I agreed to this.
However, I insisted that I got to choose the dcs first name and he could choose the Spanish middle names.
This is what you call compromise which is what your dp has refused to do. I would be pissed off tbh
This shows how important it is to discuss important issues before getting into a relationship.

Nick Clegg’s wife insisted that her sons were given Spanish names as they were to be given their father’s surname.

Ok. I think that in the uk when you are with someone from an overseas culture their culture dominates.

sooo my df English married my dm (east African Asian). Mum’s family ran circles around him.

I married an Italian and his family and culture dominated me.

my ds has a girlfriend from yet another culture and her and family run circles around him.

my cousin made me laugh when she said her Swedish boyfriend scoffed at anything English/Indian and perhaps if he hated it here he should just marry a Swedish woman. I just reminded her of sneering at my English dad who she could not tolerate eating meat (she now orders her beef rare 🤣).

that’s the nature of multiculturalism…..(here, at least).

and religion is a whole thing of its own.

I was ordered to call our son after exh’s dad. Refused. We compromised. Name acceptable to both cultures and both grandad names as middle names. Works. Like I have my grandmothers’ names as middle names.

good luck - compromise but make compromise too.

I'd split with him. You're fundamentally incompatible. I'd get a prohibited steps order to prevent him getting him circumcised also.

Does your ds have dp's surname? If so dd can have his choice of first name with your surname..

So...the son has a completely non-Irish name? M`kayyy...

And please don't traumatise your son with circumcision...

his response to that was Ireland and England have “no culture”.

Well that's a red flag right there - he doesn't have a lot of respect for you, or where you come from and I'd be concerned about that.

As for the name, if the baby has his surname which, if I'm understanding your update correctly it will, then it's ridiculous that he is being so silly and selfish about this. Where on earth are YOU in this baby?

My children have DH's surname (not an English name). Their middle names are also names that honour his background and his family ie they are very clearly NOT English names and are the names of DH's family.

Their first names however are English (albeit DS' name is an anglicised version of FIL's name, but I'm okay with that as it's also my Dad's name!) We actually toyed with swapping DD's names around when she was born simply because quite frankly, you can see her heritage in her and could do from the day she was born but stuck with the English name, that came from my family. And I'm very glad.

These are big issues... and it sounds like there is a real lack of respect for you on his part. I would suggest getting some marriage counselling. He also might greatly benefit from understanding why he is so insecure in this area.

Dear OP, have you considered divorce? If you do, it's better sooner than later. What's with all this 'disrespectful' nonsense? All kinds of awful coercive and abusive behaviour is excused by 'it's my culture'. You and your culture are entitled to equal rights and 'respect', and if you are not getting them, something's wrong, and it won't get any better, I think.

@lampzade It was important for dh that his dcs were given his surname. I agreed to this. I don't understand this - I thought Spanish children are always double barrelled. They take there surname from both of their parents (and I assume there's a process by which it's decided which part of Jack Smith-Jones and Mary Peters-Daly are kept?)

I read this and I burst out laughing! The Irish have no culture???? How dare he.

He named the first born you get to name the next one.

But he's very rude if he really said the above about the Irish. Thinking about it, it certainly shows an ignorance of other cultures and people around the world.

I couldn’t stay with someone who had zero respect for me or my culture. Why would he “hit the roof” if your son learned Gaelic?

...his response to that was Ireland and England have “no culture”.

Ireland had culture when the English were running around half naked and smearing themselves with woad. Let alone anywhere else.

I'm sorry but then, like other posters have commented, you have fundamental differences and the problem with the name choice is just a proxy for something deeper. I think you need a strong support system that helps you navigate this complicated issue and keeps you grounded: I do think, like many others have pointed out, that he has some abusive tendencies. Keep your children safe (don't let anybody do anything to them with the excuse of "cultural heritage"). I'm not advocating for anything drastic (obviously I'm a random commenter on the internet and know nothing more about your life!), although never hesitate to step between your children and ANYTHING that threatens them. I think having kids with people from different cultures and countries always adds a layer of complexity to every issue. But, all things said, you are the Mother: step in your power. You bear them, you make them grow, you feed them. They come to this world trough you.
I hope you find the best way to overcome this 🍀

He sounds like a total dick, firstly for saying the Irish have no culture and secondly for insisting that only his culture and opinions count. As for his family being "disrespected" if a name they want isn't chosen, why are their feeling more important than your families or you? If you aren't married then he doesn't get to have "none of it" with regard to your suggestions anyway. You can register the birth and are the one who can choose the name.