For not wanting to give daughter cultural name

[Sia2822]

Hello
I am irish living in the UK (my parents are both Irish and we moved here when I was 2) My partner is Tongan in the pacific islands born in New Zealand in to the Māori culture.

Our first child (a son) was named a Māori name as he wanted and we went through all the names and compromised on one.

I really want to call our daughter Orla which is an Irish name, I don’t just want to call her Orla because it’s an Irish name, I want to use it because I’ve always loved that name and said I’d call future child it. If he doesn’t like that name (which he says he doesn’t) then I have 20 or so other options I like but he just says he doesn’t like them all. He doesn’t even think after I say the name, it’s just an instant no. I’ve asked him to find some baby girl names he likes and he made a list but they’re all Māori names and to be honest I don’t like them. He’s asked me to find a Māori girls name that I do like and although I’m sure there is a few I will like, I want to choose a name I truly want this time not be restricted to a certain culture of names.

Ive told partner that baby may be half tongan but she is also half Irish so it shouldn’t matter if she’s named a Māori name or not, his response to that was Ireland and England have “no culture”. I’ve suggested a Māori name as a middle name but he’s having none of it. Says baby needs a Māori name and that if she has an Irish or English name his family will feel hugely disrespected and that it’s important baby holds her culture in her name.

AIBU for not wanting to choose a cultural name this time?

Yanbu

Ireland has a beautiful culture and history

Possibly though, your partner feel physically further away from his culture and laments this distance for his children and so wants to give them a very visible part of his heritage in a traditional Maori name

Ultimately, you do have a rate to choose a name you enjoy as well as he does

You don't want to name you dislike as much as he doesn't so you really need to compromise on one together

If he's not ready for that, then get your list ready and tell him you are not willing to let him do this on his own, so if he wants an input, he needs to work with you like you were doing with him

I propose Dervla Emere 😁

"We are equals, you chose our sons name, I am choosing my daughter's. I love the name and it's part of our Irish heritage and if this causes a problem with your family , they must respect my culture on this occasion as I did theirs.

You can choose a middle name, to compliment her first name, which is Orla".

OP, is it possible that your daughter is known and called her middle name day to day? Not saying this is the right thing (to appease him) but may be how you can come to a compromise.

Although he does sound a stubborn, uncompromising arse though so maybe not…

No culture? What a stupid and insulting thing to say! You compromised on your first child's name. It's his turn, now. Don't give in just to please him. Your daughter's Irish heritage is just as important as what she gets from him.

But you're happy to ignore that he said the English have no culture ?

Hmmm🤔

Wtf? Why is his culture more important than yours? I think a Māori middle name is a good compromise.

Ireland and England have no culture?!! I’d be telling him where to go based on that comment alone.

Sounds very sexist, he’s the man, so his culture comes first. Suffice to say, you’re not being unreasonable at all, particularly if your first child has a Tongan name.

I’d be seriously reviewing this relationship.

YANBU

Your partner is being sexist and racist. Does he not feel the need to show you any respect?

He has chosen his son's name, and you compromised, now it's time he did the same. Orlan tonganname Sia2822 works perfectly.

As an addition to my previous post- the children in my family have a hyphenated last name. So Tongan British Tongan-British.

Do your children have his surname? Mine will have an Irish first name for my side and my husband's surname for his side. Orla is a beautiful name. And the Irish have plenty of culture- a language, music and folktales as is the case in most cultures.

This.

I'd hit the fucking roof tbh. How dare he insist you respect his culture while in the same breath, dismissing yours as irrelevant? I'd be registering the birth without him, first name Orla, second name also your choice, your surname and telling him to fuck off back to his family if their opinion on your children matters more than yours.

He sounds really stupid and breathtakingly arrogant. Most families would realise that it was probably turn about with the choice of names. I don't get why he is keen on using Maori names either. He's Polynesian but he's not Maori. Could it be that he doesn't know any Tongan names or speak Tongan? Your children will be half Irish but they are not half Maori.

‘(In modern Tonga) The problems have mostly been driven by attempts to increase national revenue through a variety of schemes – considering making Tonga a nuclear waste disposal site (an idea floated in the mid 1990s by the current crown prince),[37] and selling Tongan Protected Persons Passports (which eventually forced Tonga to naturalise the purchasers, sparking ethnicity-based concerns within Tonga).[38]
Schemes also included the registering of foreign ships (which proved to be engaged in illegal activities, including shipments for al-Qaeda),[39] claiming geo-orbital satellite slots (the revenue from which seems to belong to the Princess Royal, not the state),[40] holding a long-term charter on an unusable Boeing 757 that was sidelined in Auckland Airport, leading to the collapse of Royal Tongan Airlines,[41] and approving a factory for exporting cigarettes to China (against the advice of Tongan medical officials and decades of health-promotion).’

I’d go for an Irish name, personally.

Op said she was Irish, which is why I specified in my comment.

I am British born with predominantly Irish heritage, we also have Greek, Italian and Maasai, it wasn't a dig at British people.

This!

"Ireland and England have no culture" oh no he didn't 😵

This is a challenging position your partner has taken and YANBU.

however, for what it’s worth, these are my fav Maori girls names (I am kiwi, they’re names of girls I went to school with: some might not be “known” as girls names)

Ngaire (lots of equivalents in other languages eg Nyree)

Whina (pron. feena)

Kiri

Kere

Moana

Teneka

He can get to fuck with the no culture comments. Next five years' holidays should all be spent touring museums and cultural sites in Ireland and the UK until he changes his mind!

At a charitable reading, he maybe means his culture is smaller and more under threat and therefore preserving it is important (in which case, what is he doing having kids with an Irish woman in England, but ho hum).

Couples I know in this situation tend to have a mix so eg Irish first name Tongan second name, or vice versa, and siblings both with the same culture name so you don't have siblings called Mohammed and Henry etc!

Does your first one have his second name?

Eh. Just agree with him then take her to register the name alone and call her what you want.

Sorry to say it, but I think you have a much bigger problem than the name selection. Your partner thinks he is more important than you and I would be surprised if this was the only way his arrogance manifested itself.

He sounds like a dick tbh regardless of culture, not listening to or respecting your input and dismissing you is not a way for a good partner or father to behave.

Baby will be having his Māori surname I'm guessing, so isn't that already enough recognition of both father and his culture?

I wouldn’t go with Whina (the other kids would call her “whiner” even if it is meant to be pronounced differently).

Unless Orla really jars with your DS’ name, I would go with it as you aren’t married and he chose last time.

He's really racist for saying Irish and English has no culture.