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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting to give daughter cultural name

330 replies

Sia2822 · 31/10/2023 12:58

Hello
I am irish living in the UK (my parents are both Irish and we moved here when I was 2) My partner is Tongan in the pacific islands born in New Zealand in to the Māori culture.

Our first child (a son) was named a Māori name as he wanted and we went through all the names and compromised on one.

I really want to call our daughter Orla which is an Irish name, I don’t just want to call her Orla because it’s an Irish name, I want to use it because I’ve always loved that name and said I’d call future child it. If he doesn’t like that name (which he says he doesn’t) then I have 20 or so other options I like but he just says he doesn’t like them all. He doesn’t even think after I say the name, it’s just an instant no. I’ve asked him to find some baby girl names he likes and he made a list but they’re all Māori names and to be honest I don’t like them. He’s asked me to find a Māori girls name that I do like and although I’m sure there is a few I will like, I want to choose a name I truly want this time not be restricted to a certain culture of names.

Ive told partner that baby may be half tongan but she is also half Irish so it shouldn’t matter if she’s named a Māori name or not, his response to that was Ireland and England have “no culture”. I’ve suggested a Māori name as a middle name but he’s having none of it. Says baby needs a Māori name and that if she has an Irish or English name his family will feel hugely disrespected and that it’s important baby holds her culture in her name.

AIBU for not wanting to choose a cultural name this time?

OP posts:
Duechristmas · 02/11/2023 07:04

Yellownotblue · 01/11/2023 22:41

Please can everyone stop lumping circumcision together with FGM. They are fundamentally different, and while you are perfectly entitled to disagree with both, one of them (circumcision) allows for a full sexual life, while the other doesn’t. The sexual violence that FGM imposes on girls is of a different nature to male circumcision, and they should not be considered together in this argument.

It doesn't, it removes the most sensitive part of the sexual organ and affects function forever. It is still mutilation.

MargotBamborough · 02/11/2023 07:58

Trakand01 · 01/11/2023 20:22

Why on Earth would he not be on the birth certificate? Not being married means diddly squat.

Show quote history

He can only be on the birth certificate if he attends the appointment.

Goodornot · 02/11/2023 08:00

Duechristmas · 02/11/2023 07:04

It doesn't, it removes the most sensitive part of the sexual organ and affects function forever. It is still mutilation.

Show quote history

Rubbish. I've been with more than one circumcised male and they had a full sex life.

Circumcision also has a medical purpose in some cases. Phimosis for example.

FGM serves no purpose other than brutality and render a woman incapable of sexual pleasure or sometimes sex at all.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/11/2023 08:27

Circumcision is not comparable to FGM. Let’s not pretend it is.

Gcsunnyside23 · 02/11/2023 08:46

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/11/2023 08:27

Circumcision is not comparable to FGM. Let’s not pretend it is.

Agreed it's not at all comparable but still it's still shouldn't happen and is an unnecessary practice of cutting and removing part of the body that's not necessary and without consent of the child

Montegufoni2017 · 02/11/2023 08:54

Think you have bigger problems to come with this partner by the sounds of it. Controlling, selfish, rude and dismissive. Not the qualities you need in anyone let alone the Father of your children.
If it were me I would register the daughter I had just carried and birthed with the beautiful name Orla and he can lump it. You can always contact his Mum and explain which will bypass his story of how disrespectful you are to his culture

Eskimal · 02/11/2023 10:28

It sounds like you’ve got more than just baby name disagreements on your plate.
take a step back and look at this discussion from afar. Forget about the baby names. Look at the decision making process, the lack of respect for your feelings and your culture. His dismissive nature and refusal (not inability but refusal) to recognise you are 50/50 making this child and rearing this child.
he is misogynistic and overbearing. This is no way to start family life.

Tangled123 · 02/11/2023 10:44

@Imtiredthisyear Your argument missed a key point. OP is not British. She is Irish and is an immigrant too. Both cultures have a history of being criminalised and repressed by the same enemy (the British).

I also think the name issue is a symptom of a bigger issue here. OP’s partner does not respect her. Everything has to be his way. If OP backs down on this, she will be backing down on everything. Partner will decide what punishments are used, where holidays are spent etc. The culture argument will be used over and over again.

Segway16 · 02/11/2023 13:10

Wow. His comments about England and Ireland aren’t ok but some of these comments are blatantly racist.

Gross.

Deathwillbebutapause · 02/11/2023 13:25

If he's Tongan why is he keen on her having a Māori name though? They are very different.

Anyway. A lot of men are like that- my way or the highway. I'd show him the highway.

Deathwillbebutapause · 02/11/2023 13:27

(That said, I think Ngaire is about as beautiful a name as there exists anywhere)

IncompleteSenten · 02/11/2023 13:28

It's not his culture that's the issue here. It's the fact he's a controlling twat who has fuck all respect for you.

Mr My Word Is Law needs a kick up the arse.

JFDIYOLO · 02/11/2023 14:25

He sounds ... nice ...

tattygrl · 02/11/2023 15:16

He'd hit the roof if your son was taught Gaelic?!

He's pissed off that you don't want your son to be circumcised at 7?

OP... you've got a whole host of problems to deal with before getting to the name issue. I'd be getting out of this shit show ASAP.

TurnipPeelOrange · 02/11/2023 20:18

disrespectful to his family? He’s being disrespectful to you.

Kyliemichelletaylor · 02/11/2023 20:19

Ummmm your partner can eff off! I’m from NZ and am part Māori and I think the UK and Ireland have an incredibly strong culture!

Irish names are gorgeous - and your son has a Maori name. Put your foot down! Your partner needs to compromise - it’s your turn FFS! But I know how stubborn us Kiwis can be!

GodDammitCecil · 02/11/2023 20:37

So what are you going to do, @Sia2822?

Faultymain5 · 02/11/2023 21:26

So in other words your partner is an arrogant racist.

he got the first child you get this one. Orla is a lovely name. Bloody cheek.

Xenia · 02/11/2023 21:30

As you both live in England and may be will settle here may be pick a British name then as a compromise. I so think it is fairer on children to have similar names so going by a very different principle in choosing names for one and not the other is not fair between the children. Our 5 all have old testament names.

Deathwillbebutapause · 03/11/2023 06:17

Our 5 all have old testament names.

V British. Same with my triplets Salmon, Ham and Dodo.

EasternStandard · 03/11/2023 06:28

Yanbu I don’t see why he gets his wishes for both dc and you for neither

Finlesswonder · 03/11/2023 06:28

Your argument missed a key point. OP is not British. She is Irish and is an immigrant too
Mmm...I know a lot of people like to claim to be Irish but realistically she arrived in UK as a baby and is from a culture that's hugely similar to UK. She's British so in a way I can understand the partners perspective: the baby is going to grow up in her culture, surrounded by her people, hence the name thing is important to him

Valeriekat · 03/11/2023 08:03

You don't seem to know if your husband is Maori or Tongan or both.
You seem a bit confused.

RedCoffeeCup · 03/11/2023 08:12

@Valeriekat the OP says His mum is from Tonga and emigrated from Tonga to NZ, his dad is Māori indigenous to New Zealand.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 03/11/2023 08:16

Orla is a lovely name and you don't hear it as much now and I also love Aisling for a girl. Stick to your guns as he had his way with first child and now it is your turn. I think when you are living away from Ireland you always want to connect more to Ireland and tell him he can have the middle name his choice and tell him he does not have to answer to his family now as you are his family.

Is his family in U.K. also and are they ok with you. Your partner needs to understand that it cannot be all his way and you compromised on the name of 1st child. He sounds selfish and I would be standing my ground. Good luck with it all and with your baby girl Orla ..