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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to take kids to his mum for a few days

245 replies

ditzzy · 30/10/2023 06:53

This comes up every half term, I thought I’d made my feelings clear when I stopped it last time but it came up again last night.

DH (well partner, we’re not married) is a SAHD and is in charge of activities for half term this week. It’s his first holiday in charge of both DD as DD2 is in reception (DD1 is 8). I’ve managed to take Wednesday and Thursday off and was starting to look for some nice days out.

He asked last night whether I could swap to Thursday and Friday off so that he could take them 100 miles away to his mum’s for the first half of the week.

I know I’m working, so it’s it’s my own fault for not being able to go too, hence maybe I’m being unreasonable for not wanting them to go and have fun without me, but I don’t like it because:

I like going there too.
Whenever we go there he and his mum do all her household admin and leave me looking after DDs, so I think they’ll be told to be quiet and play on their own there and not enjoy it (and I don’t want them to have a bad memory of their Granny).
He’s not asked her - she likes warning of visitors as she has her own social life as well!
I usually do all the food sorting etc for DDs when we go there, as well as early morning wake ups - he’s going to tell them to be quiet, go back to bed, when they would normally get up.
It’s a two hour plus drive which I entertain kids for in the back of the car.
The car also has a battery problem at the moment, so I don’t think he should risk taking it that far until it’s fixed.

Surely he knows these things too? Some is just DH being inconsiderate to his mum; some is his own anxiety about being in charge of them both on his own so wants her help; some is presumably just because he wants to make the point that I’m being awkward (and he thinks I prioritise work over family too much).

Any thoughts? Should I just bite my tongue and help him pack? Or point out that he’s really not thinking about everyone else by suggesting it?

OP posts:
Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 30/10/2023 06:55

I thought he was SAHD? How does he manage to entertain and feed them when you're at work? Why are you so crucial on holidays??
he's their dad - let him get on with it.

Acornacorn · 30/10/2023 06:57

YABVU.

Basilton · 30/10/2023 06:58

I think his request is quite reasonable and seems sensible. He is the SAHD and you have said he is in charge of half term activities. I am sure him and his mum can manage their relationship without your help. I don’t know why you are making this into a problem tbh.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 30/10/2023 06:59

If he’s a SAHD (how, if they’re both in school?) and is in charge of activities this half term, he’s in charge of activities this half term. Don’t micromanage it. I’d leave them all to it and enjoy an empty house for a couple of days.

DarkForces · 30/10/2023 06:59

I can't really understand why your dh taking the children to their grandma is an issue. Just leave him to it. I might remind him to actually ask his mum but apart from that wave them off and enjoy the peace!

Cupcakegirl13 · 30/10/2023 06:59

Why do you like going there if it’s a bad as you’re making it sound ?! Non of this adds up really and is really unreasonable on your part. If he’s a SAHD then he should be more than capable of a few days away with them . Enjoy the peace I say !

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/10/2023 07:00

I would let him crack on. If it’s a disaster, he’ll have to sort it. I might remind him about the car battery and suggest he changes it before they go/gets AA cover/takes jump leads/charges it in advance.

ironingboardantifreeze · 30/10/2023 07:00

Sorry but I think YABU. All those things sound completely manageable and fine. They’re not going to have bad memories of playing at their granny’s house!

Enjoy a few days of peace OP.

Morechocmorechoc · 30/10/2023 07:01

Have you spoken to him about the above. You need to cover off these points to make sure the kids have fun, then let them go.

MigGirl · 30/10/2023 07:01

I think the only issue with this is he hasn't asked his mum. I'm not sure my dad would be to happy if I just turned up at his.

But surely everything else he is able to take care of himself. Surely a quick trip to kiwfit for a new battery would fix the car.

PoppyFleur · 30/10/2023 07:02

YABVU

Surely as the SAHP he is capable of doing all this? And if not, it’s a great opportunity to learn.

In your shoes, I would step back from doing all the thinking. You are preemptively thinking about every possible outcome. Let your DP get on with it.

Wave them off with a cheery smile. If it does end up with a few boring days for the children, you can leave them with great memories on your days off.

rainbowstardrops · 30/10/2023 07:03

I'd be insisting he sorts the car battery before he goes but apart from that, I'd let him get on with it. Is there a reason why he's a sahd when both children are at school full time now?

catchmewhenifall · 30/10/2023 07:03

Release your grip and let them get on with it.

The reason all that happens when you're there, is because you're there! They're able to go off and do Granny-admin is because you're there to pick up the slack.

Anyway let them go and enjoy their time. I am a firm believer of dads going off to their mums with the kids. It gives the dad a chance to have to anticipate and be in charge and gives grandma unfettered access to the kids without the mother being around and therefore being further down the pecking order.

SORRY, you're being unreasonable.

MidnightOnceMore · 30/10/2023 07:03

maybe I’m being unreasonable for not wanting them to go and have fun without me This would be very unreasonable.

HawdMeBack · 30/10/2023 07:04

YABU. You only do all of those things because you're there. If you're not, then he'll have to do them. Not wanting them to go because you like going and can't is just selfish IMO. The only valid point you have is that he hasn't spoken to his mum about visiting, he needs to do that in advance. If she's good with it then they should go, enjoy the visit with their Granny and then come home and have fun with you on your days off.

Nonplusultra · 30/10/2023 07:05

Given what you’ve described, I’d be encouraging him to go - it might stretch him as a parent to have to manage without you. It won’t be as easy to ignore them without you there as a buffer.

And you’d get to enjoy a few peaceful evenings, and starfish in the bed and enjoy an extra long morning shower.

NoSquirrels · 30/10/2023 07:05

Everything except the car battery and him not having asked his mum (and more generally not having planned ahead before now) is not a problem.

Why is he a SAHD if he’s anxious about looking after them both?

Iactuallydidit · 30/10/2023 07:06

Haha my DH does this in half term sometimes leaving me at home and I’m virtually pushing him out the door…love the few days of solitude in the house. Only issue I can see with your situation is he hasn’t asked her?! What so he just turns up? As for the entertaining and food sorting etc, he’s their dad so it’s his problem now if he’s taking them? It might be because you are doing all these things, so if you aren’t there they could surprise you and crack on with it? I tend to just put it out of my mind and relax in the empty house 😁

AhBiscuits · 30/10/2023 07:06

Yabu I'm afraid.
These are all minor points and they will be fine. BTW, 100 miles is really not very far away.

AutumnIsMyFriend · 30/10/2023 07:08

If his mum is happy to have visitors, let them go.

Two hours in a car is nothing - children do not need to be kept busy for two hours, and if he is a SAHD - or a dad at all - he is more than capable of looking after them and catering for them at his mum’s.

oh, and tell him to buy a new car battery.

OldBilge · 30/10/2023 07:08

His idea, his issue.

You sound as if, because you want to go too, you’re trying to find reasons why the trip will be a disaster without you. Everything you’ve mentioned (bar the car battery) is normal parenting stuff. He’ll figure it out. And the ‘oh I don’t want them to have bad memories of their granny if they don’t enjoy themselves’ is pretty disingenuous. So what if they don’t? And if his mother doesn’t want them to visit, she can tell him that!

And I had to go back and check their ages after reading the stuff about you amusing them in the car — they’re 8 and 4 or 5! Stick on an audio book or let them be bored, look out the window and play Cheese on Wheels! It’s 100 miles, not 500!

crumblingschools · 30/10/2023 07:08

It would be better if he arranged it so you could have time with DDs on your days off. He also needs to arrange with his DM before rocking up with 2 DC in tow.

And most importantly he needs to ensure the car is road worthy

Would it be an option for granny to come to yours for a few days instead?

NoSquirrels · 30/10/2023 07:09

This comes up every half term, I thought I’d made my feelings clear when I stopped it last time

This is actually super unreasonable- why can’t he ever see his mum with his kids without you?

Khvdrt · 30/10/2023 07:10

Has he actually taken them by himself? The only thing that would really bother me is the car thing. The rest of it is just let him go and if the kids come back saying it wasn’t good then say it isn’t fair to do it but otherwise let him go and find out for himself. I often do this and I can’t really imagine DH being able to say I’m not doing it

PosterBoy · 30/10/2023 07:11

The only time he gets to be a SAHD is the holidays so leave him to it.

Can you actually move your days off? If you can then it sounds win-win tbh. You get a family time together once he is back.