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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to take kids to his mum for a few days

245 replies

ditzzy · 30/10/2023 06:53

This comes up every half term, I thought I’d made my feelings clear when I stopped it last time but it came up again last night.

DH (well partner, we’re not married) is a SAHD and is in charge of activities for half term this week. It’s his first holiday in charge of both DD as DD2 is in reception (DD1 is 8). I’ve managed to take Wednesday and Thursday off and was starting to look for some nice days out.

He asked last night whether I could swap to Thursday and Friday off so that he could take them 100 miles away to his mum’s for the first half of the week.

I know I’m working, so it’s it’s my own fault for not being able to go too, hence maybe I’m being unreasonable for not wanting them to go and have fun without me, but I don’t like it because:

I like going there too.
Whenever we go there he and his mum do all her household admin and leave me looking after DDs, so I think they’ll be told to be quiet and play on their own there and not enjoy it (and I don’t want them to have a bad memory of their Granny).
He’s not asked her - she likes warning of visitors as she has her own social life as well!
I usually do all the food sorting etc for DDs when we go there, as well as early morning wake ups - he’s going to tell them to be quiet, go back to bed, when they would normally get up.
It’s a two hour plus drive which I entertain kids for in the back of the car.
The car also has a battery problem at the moment, so I don’t think he should risk taking it that far until it’s fixed.

Surely he knows these things too? Some is just DH being inconsiderate to his mum; some is his own anxiety about being in charge of them both on his own so wants her help; some is presumably just because he wants to make the point that I’m being awkward (and he thinks I prioritise work over family too much).

Any thoughts? Should I just bite my tongue and help him pack? Or point out that he’s really not thinking about everyone else by suggesting it?

OP posts:
MikeWozniaksMohawk · 31/10/2023 09:04

I have kids of the same age. I’ve taken mine to my parents’ for the week for half term, leaving DH at home as he couldn’t take the time off (I work too but had the holiday to use). The journey for us was about 180 miles. The kids entertained themselves in the back of the car; they don’t need an adult to entertain them!

electriclight · 31/10/2023 09:13

I live 4 hours from my family and regularly take the kids for visits. DP is always welcome but if he can't come, we go anyway. No way I would stand for him trying to tell me that I couldn't go without him. How controlling and manipulative.

electriclight · 31/10/2023 09:16

Strikes me that your kids would really benefit from a long car journey without you entertaining them in the back, seeing someone else preparing their meals and just generally experiencing life with a bit less helicoptering.

I'm sure your MIL can plan her own journeys and meals too. Her journey was not long enough to induce fainting from lack of food but I'm sure she won't want that to happen again and will plan accordingly.

Doopydoo · 31/10/2023 09:23

Sounds like you don’t have any choice but to be controlling OP as your husband sounds like a lazy useless lump.
The fact that your daughter had to speak to you first about how to negotiate a conversation with her own Father is awful.

Cosyblankets · 31/10/2023 09:30

electriclight · 31/10/2023 09:16

Strikes me that your kids would really benefit from a long car journey without you entertaining them in the back, seeing someone else preparing their meals and just generally experiencing life with a bit less helicoptering.

I'm sure your MIL can plan her own journeys and meals too. Her journey was not long enough to induce fainting from lack of food but I'm sure she won't want that to happen again and will plan accordingly.

This
Maybe they would be OK but you never give them the opportunity.
Kids have to learn to entertain themselves. Two hours is nothing. We used to travel to europe in the car as kids. Did we argue? If course we did. Did the world end? No it didn't. This was in the olden days.... We didn't have any electronics, things weren't instant. We just got on with it.

Coffeerum · 31/10/2023 09:32

This thread is proof that men can never be anything but in the wrong on MN.

If a SAHM wanted to visit her parents over half term with the kids because her partner was working it would be a resounding go for it. But now its the dad, he couldn't possibly want to see his mum, couldn't possibly want to just do something fun with the kids, it must only be to actively avoid spending time with them.

Hibiscrubbed · 31/10/2023 09:37

he thinks I prioritise work over family too much

Well someone has to work to earn money to buy food and pay bills…

Also, if he’s going to tell the kids to essentially shut up and go away all week, he sounds a distinctly substandard ‘SAHD’.

NotLactoseFree · 31/10/2023 09:41

Coffeerum · 31/10/2023 09:32

This thread is proof that men can never be anything but in the wrong on MN.

If a SAHM wanted to visit her parents over half term with the kids because her partner was working it would be a resounding go for it. But now its the dad, he couldn't possibly want to see his mum, couldn't possibly want to just do something fun with the kids, it must only be to actively avoid spending time with them.

Are we on the same thread? I've seen post after post telling her she's being ridiculous and controlling. Yes, a few posts have pointed out that he's not exactly a SAHD if he just does school runs, but many have also pointed out that perhaps she needs to loosen things up and let him get on with it.

Hibiscrubbed · 31/10/2023 09:42

He doesn’t want to work for people who ‘don’t appreciate’ him?

But he shouts at his children to ‘shut up’ when they sing, tells them to go away and be quiet, is short tempered and angry, and as such your children are asking you for the best way to not anger their father?

This piece of work needs to go back to work. Jesus.

Hibiscrubbed · 31/10/2023 09:43

He’s not a SAHD, he doesn’t do anything except school runs, he’s just unemployed.

jellybe · 31/10/2023 09:48

I thought you were going to say the grandmother is a narcissist and you don't want your kids around them. But no. You need to stop micromanaging and just let him get on with parenting. Enjoy some time in the evenings to yourself and then enjoy some days off with them at the end of the week.

electriclight · 31/10/2023 11:04

Love the fact that some pp are seeing red flags all over him sometimes asking the kids to be quiet, as if we don't all do that.

Ditto the 8yo sometimes wanting advice on how to talk to her dad about something. If your kids haven't occasionally wondered how to share bad news or ask for something, then they will at some point. Nothing awful about a kid wondering how to tell dad that they got a detention, or that they don't want to play piano any more.

OP - any of my adult children could turn up on my doorstep at any time and I'd be delighted. They wouldn't need to prebook or plan ahead. I wouldn't care if a gc had a cold. You are overthinking all of it.

Eleganz · 31/10/2023 11:14

This thread is fairly typical of Mumsnet. Lots of reasonable people saying the OP is BU peppered with people who are just determined to make any man being complained about into a narcissistic abuser. Please just stop. It actually devalues the experience of women who are really in abusive relationships.

As for the stay at home parent and working parent dynamic. I find it really interesting how people rightly point out that it is the working parent that is financially supporting the family when it is a woman doing so who is facing criticism by their partner. When the shoe is on the other foot then it seems that men have to know the exact sweet spot between working too much and not being successful enough for some on here not to see them as failing somehow - I've not seen one man as described by a woman on here get that balance right yet. My own view is that both parents should be economically active in some way just as a risk reduction strategy but that income disparities are fine in a relationship as long as it is a fair and balanced relationship that recognises all contributions to the family appropriately.

RandomMess · 31/10/2023 13:36

I think this would have been a great opportunity for him to START stepping up properly to be the SAHP, you stop micro managing everyone's relationships and him learn through consequences tbh.

HelenTherese2 · 31/10/2023 17:06

You are being a control freak. As with all these things, reverse the roles and imagine the outrage if a working dad wanted to keep the SAHM and their kids away from their grandmother’s house because of losing control over them.

AgingDisgracefullyHere · 31/10/2023 17:25

HelenTherese2 · 31/10/2023 17:06

You are being a control freak. As with all these things, reverse the roles and imagine the outrage if a working dad wanted to keep the SAHM and their kids away from their grandmother’s house because of losing control over them.

He thought he made his feelings clear the last time!

wishingiwas20something · 31/10/2023 17:28

I’d be packing the bags and shoving them out the door. Byyyyyyyyyyeeeeeee.

Dreamingofasunnybeach · 31/10/2023 18:30

Enjoy the peace and quiet for a few days on your own at home. Sorry but YABVU. You sound like a control freak

CantFindTheBeat · 31/10/2023 18:42

ditzzy · 30/10/2023 08:10

That’s a bit of what concerns me. Sometimes the 8 year old asks me how to tell him things to avoid the “wrong” response which sends a red flag up to me. Although I will caveat that concern a bit, because learning how to work around other people’s emotion is probably better than the zero emotion household I grew up in.

He has a couple of health issues that make him short tempered sometimes and that impact his confidence in looking for work.

OP, to me it sounds like your DH is controlling and domineering, not you.

He doesn't work because he doesn't want to.

Your 8 year old asks you how to frame things with him so he doesn't react badly.

You are worried if you're not there, the children will be at his emotional mercy.

That's what I've read from your posts.
I don't think it's YOU that is controlling at all.

LaDamaDeElche · 31/10/2023 18:50

Garrie · 30/10/2023 08:44

Wow you sound really controlling. They're allowed to have fun without you. Don't let your jealousy affect your DC's fun.

All the excuses you've come up with are ridiculous.

That's unfair. Yes the OP does sound a little controlling, but in the way that she wants her kids TO have fun and not be left to it and ignored/shouted at by their dad.

anon666 · 31/10/2023 19:32

Why on earth wouldn't you want him to be free to take the kids for a visit to their grandma?

They're off your hands while you're at work.

Beyond that I didn't understand the inclusion of the other details.

Santina · 31/10/2023 20:03

Are you my DIL? she's controlling over my son and he can't even breathe without her criticism and God forbid he would be allowed to bring the children to see me on his own with her. Do you see your marriage lasting?

pphammer · 31/10/2023 20:58

Let them go.
Time on their own and with mama/grandma will only do good to everyone

Bertiebellendy · 31/10/2023 21:45

This can’t be a seriously genuine post.
No one behaves like this.
The OP is too ridiculous.
Followed by even more ridiculous updates that make herself and her husband (&MIL) seem like a slightly pathetic bunch of individuals.
Surely this is a windup post!? Or AI

Jonnieboi · 31/10/2023 22:39

Just to be clear, you get the house to yourself for a few days, no hassle and totally guilt free? I’m struggling to see a downside here. There’s walking , gym,pool, cinema, friends, going out and if you’re so inclined take a lover for a few days (that’s not intended to be serious but…). Hell you could even work late to get ahead on a few things. The world’s your oyster for 72hrs, you could probably get a night out in Paris or Berlin with a mate. Enjoy it whilst you’re young enough to.