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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to take kids to his mum for a few days

245 replies

ditzzy · 30/10/2023 06:53

This comes up every half term, I thought I’d made my feelings clear when I stopped it last time but it came up again last night.

DH (well partner, we’re not married) is a SAHD and is in charge of activities for half term this week. It’s his first holiday in charge of both DD as DD2 is in reception (DD1 is 8). I’ve managed to take Wednesday and Thursday off and was starting to look for some nice days out.

He asked last night whether I could swap to Thursday and Friday off so that he could take them 100 miles away to his mum’s for the first half of the week.

I know I’m working, so it’s it’s my own fault for not being able to go too, hence maybe I’m being unreasonable for not wanting them to go and have fun without me, but I don’t like it because:

I like going there too.
Whenever we go there he and his mum do all her household admin and leave me looking after DDs, so I think they’ll be told to be quiet and play on their own there and not enjoy it (and I don’t want them to have a bad memory of their Granny).
He’s not asked her - she likes warning of visitors as she has her own social life as well!
I usually do all the food sorting etc for DDs when we go there, as well as early morning wake ups - he’s going to tell them to be quiet, go back to bed, when they would normally get up.
It’s a two hour plus drive which I entertain kids for in the back of the car.
The car also has a battery problem at the moment, so I don’t think he should risk taking it that far until it’s fixed.

Surely he knows these things too? Some is just DH being inconsiderate to his mum; some is his own anxiety about being in charge of them both on his own so wants her help; some is presumably just because he wants to make the point that I’m being awkward (and he thinks I prioritise work over family too much).

Any thoughts? Should I just bite my tongue and help him pack? Or point out that he’s really not thinking about everyone else by suggesting it?

OP posts:
whatchagonnado · 30/10/2023 07:42

Let them get on with it and enjoy the peace and quiet. They will be fine.
Arrange a night out with a friend while they're away and make the most of it!

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 30/10/2023 07:42

So the real issue is you feel you have to mitigate his shitness by doing everything...
FGS why are you with him and enabling the lazy useless man?? Your life will be better (and cheaper) if you aren't carrying a man who is too good to work and doesn't even care for the kids properly...

OldBilge · 30/10/2023 07:44

Donotshushme · 30/10/2023 07:39

I think it's an excellent idea for him to take them without you smoothing every single possible bump in the road. Can't quite get my head around sitting in the back with them for a relatively short drive to entertain them. Don't they have books/toys/ipads?

To be honest you all sound like really hard work - Granny needs a train booking for her and told when to eat, dh doesn't want to work for anyone (do any of us?!) And you need to be in control of everything otherwise the kids might get told off. All of you.. chill out.

Yes. What strikes me in all the OP’s posts is a lot of fear and stress about what might happen if she didn’t smooth all the bumps — when the stakes are very low, surely? The worst case scenario is that her MIL is mildly miffed at the short notice, the kids are bored in the car and on the visit, or can’t get up at their usual time.

PinkRoses1245 · 30/10/2023 07:46

YABVU. All minor points. Let him parent as he wants, you can’t control everything. You don’t need to ‘entertain’ kid in the car

Normandy144 · 30/10/2023 07:46

The only unreasonable things are that he hasn't asked his mum if it's ok. He really needs to call her and ask if it is ok if they stay. Also the car battery. Everything else is not an issue. 100 miles is not far at all.

HardcoreLadyType · 30/10/2023 07:48

if you are not there, the dynamic will be different, so because you are not there to get the DC their breakfasts someone else (either DP or DGM) will do it. They will need to fit the admin around the DC’s needs. The DC will be fine in the car, and the driver can always e.g. instigate games of eye-spy, or play music or audio books to entertain them.

The reasonable objections are that the car may not be reliable, and that he hasn’t asked DGM. Can the car be fixed before he goes? And so long as he checks it’s convenient with her, first, and doesn’t just rock up at her house with 2 DC expecting to be hosted, that will be fine.

Mariposista · 30/10/2023 07:49

The key thing here is that OP has a bit of FOMO…

Isthisexpected · 30/10/2023 07:50

Having read your update it sounds like he's not a very good SAHD at all but is doing it reluctantly and has little patience for them. Sounds like this would be their first and only trip to Granny's without you.

PosterBoy · 30/10/2023 07:51

None of your worries sound serious, you've probably just got used to being the 'organised one'.

Even mil forgetting to eat over lunchtime ... if she did it again and fainted, you wouldn't need to ambulance next time round as you'd know she just needed to eat something. No big deal

DontListenToWhatYouveConsumed · 30/10/2023 07:55

I had a father we had to tip toe round, especially in the car. We dreaded those holiday journeys. Couldn't even ask to stop for a pee without evoking satans wrath. Bloody awful 😖.
Is this the only time he shouts at the children for minor issues?
Is he actually doing anything useful while being a sahp (not working)?

MRSMTO · 30/10/2023 07:55

Just let your joint children go to their grandparents house with their dad. So what if they're made to play on their own for a bit, that's good for them. They will survive without your input for a couple of days.

GoodnightJude1 · 30/10/2023 07:57

He’s their dad.

Any problems and HE can sort them. Or learn.

Spookymormonhelldream · 30/10/2023 07:57

You’re imagining scenarios that may or may not happen. If they do, he will have to deal with them! Your older DD is certainly capable of saying she didn’t have a good time or whatever, so if it’s a rubbish few days, well he won’t go again.
re: the rest of your post. Well he needs to buck his ideas up. Doing the school runs and telling himself he’s great is not exactly pulling his weight either financially or logistically. You need to put your foot down OP.

kitchenhelprequired · 30/10/2023 07:59

You are trying to control all environments & scenario's which in the end will be detrimental to you. I appreciate you think you are doing the best for the DC but you can't be all things to all man. Entertaining the DC in the car on what really is quite a short trip so DP doesn't get stressed and shout at them is ridiculous as is you going to his DM's just so they aren't ignored by both DP & DGP. You are effectively walking on eggshells creating an environment in which DP won't be abusive in one way shape or form. He thinks work is beneath him as well as parenting and household tasks. What is he actually good for?

Pinkpinkpink15 · 30/10/2023 08:05

MidnightOnceMore · 30/10/2023 07:03

maybe I’m being unreasonable for not wanting them to go and have fun without me This would be very unreasonable.

My friends DH was a brilliant SAHD. My friend was like this, really such a downer on them going places without her. I understand feeling sad about missing out, but I couldn't understand her not being happy the kids were having fun. She'd whinge & bitch about it & say he should stay home & get the laundry/housework/garden done & only go out with her.

@ditzzy don't be like my friend.

if HE wants to go to HIS MUMS then let him crack on, the kids will be fine or whinge at him. His issue.

if he wants to go, HE can do the packing. If he forgets things, he'll cope & learn for next time. The only thing I'd check is if the kids have any comforters.

WiIIow · 30/10/2023 08:07

YABVVU

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 30/10/2023 08:08

Stop being such a martyr and leave him to it. He's probably more capable than you know...but you don't know because you're too controlling and won't give him the chance to do anything alone!

Why are you making lunches while working from home if he's the Sahp? Leave him to get on with it.

I get the feeling you don't WANT him to succeed with this

Original poster
ditzzy · 30/10/2023 08:10

That’s a bit of what concerns me. Sometimes the 8 year old asks me how to tell him things to avoid the “wrong” response which sends a red flag up to me. Although I will caveat that concern a bit, because learning how to work around other people’s emotion is probably better than the zero emotion household I grew up in.

He has a couple of health issues that make him short tempered sometimes and that impact his confidence in looking for work.

OP posts:
Original poster
ditzzy · 30/10/2023 08:12

Not sure my replies are tagging to the posts!

I don’t mind them going out and having fun without me, they usually go on day trips and local activities in the holidays. It’s just the multi-day nature of visiting Granny and how far away it is.

OP posts:
Sunnydays0101 · 30/10/2023 08:15

Let him do the packing himself.

NoSquirrels · 30/10/2023 08:16

Not sure my replies are tagging to the posts!

Don’t press ‘reply’, press the 3 dots top right of the post and then choose ‘quote’ and they will tag.

CuntRYMusicStar · 30/10/2023 08:17

2 hours in the car should be very manageable for an 8 and 5 year old to entertain themselves - my dc travel to see their grandparents for the weekend monthly 250 miles each way. They pack a water bottle, snacks and books for themselves and get on with it, sometimes we have an audio book or podcast on and other times we listen to music.

Dc can be aware there are different rules at grandma's house without being upset - having to play quietly in your room til 7.30 is no great hardship, again, they are not babies.

If he is in charge of half term then he is in charge of it - my dh does different things with the dc to what I would do, I like to take them on outdoor adventures hiking and exploring, he does trips like cinema and mini golf. The dc appreciate different approaches and we both get days where we can focus on our work.

If his temper is an issue then that is completely separate but a parent should be more than capable of taking care of an 8 and 5yo by themselves.

Feellikeafailurenow · 30/10/2023 08:19

YABU.

i’m a sahm so i plan the weeks off & activities and holidays or overnights just like i do the rest of the time. My husband for years could barely take days off growing his business then he’d take 1 then 2 & now he tends to take the Tue-Thu so can do family trips or mini days away then so Monday is an organising day maybe go for hot chocolate or to the park & Fri a chill out day. Obviously we don’t always go away but if it’s cinema i plan he comes etc & i wouldn’t be impressed with my husband moaning as my kids wouldn’t miss out just because he can’t be there. Your dh is in charge & its his choice so i wouldn’t mention it

StarTrek6 · 30/10/2023 08:19

It's good for DCs to experience other lifestyles - if they hate it they will complain if they have to go back - you sound a bit over invested in them- food etc

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 30/10/2023 08:20

You sound smothering and controlling!

Just let him be their dad and give him the freedom to parent solo.

You are really blowing this out of proportion.

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