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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to take kids to his mum for a few days

245 replies

ditzzy · 30/10/2023 06:53

This comes up every half term, I thought I’d made my feelings clear when I stopped it last time but it came up again last night.

DH (well partner, we’re not married) is a SAHD and is in charge of activities for half term this week. It’s his first holiday in charge of both DD as DD2 is in reception (DD1 is 8). I’ve managed to take Wednesday and Thursday off and was starting to look for some nice days out.

He asked last night whether I could swap to Thursday and Friday off so that he could take them 100 miles away to his mum’s for the first half of the week.

I know I’m working, so it’s it’s my own fault for not being able to go too, hence maybe I’m being unreasonable for not wanting them to go and have fun without me, but I don’t like it because:

I like going there too.
Whenever we go there he and his mum do all her household admin and leave me looking after DDs, so I think they’ll be told to be quiet and play on their own there and not enjoy it (and I don’t want them to have a bad memory of their Granny).
He’s not asked her - she likes warning of visitors as she has her own social life as well!
I usually do all the food sorting etc for DDs when we go there, as well as early morning wake ups - he’s going to tell them to be quiet, go back to bed, when they would normally get up.
It’s a two hour plus drive which I entertain kids for in the back of the car.
The car also has a battery problem at the moment, so I don’t think he should risk taking it that far until it’s fixed.

Surely he knows these things too? Some is just DH being inconsiderate to his mum; some is his own anxiety about being in charge of them both on his own so wants her help; some is presumably just because he wants to make the point that I’m being awkward (and he thinks I prioritise work over family too much).

Any thoughts? Should I just bite my tongue and help him pack? Or point out that he’s really not thinking about everyone else by suggesting it?

OP posts:
HeadAgainstWall0923 · 30/10/2023 07:11

You are really blowing all this out of proportion with really silly reasons.

You’re being ridiculous!

Just wave them off and enjoy some peace 👍

margotrose · 30/10/2023 07:13

crumblingschools · 30/10/2023 07:08

It would be better if he arranged it so you could have time with DDs on your days off. He also needs to arrange with his DM before rocking up with 2 DC in tow.

And most importantly he needs to ensure the car is road worthy

Would it be an option for granny to come to yours for a few days instead?

He is trying to arrange it like that though - he asked OP to move her days off to the end of the week so he could take the children to grandmas at the start of the week.

LuluLemony · 30/10/2023 07:13

You say you like going too but then also say you get left basically taking care of the kids whilst DH and his mum do other stuff?
Take the week off work if you want to go too?
She might not even be free if she hasn't yet been asked!
I don't know if I'm a mean mum but I'd be glad if the break for a few days to be honest!

ElevenSeven · 30/10/2023 07:13

Yabu, none of these are real issues, you just sound narked that they’re going without you.

If DH tried to tell me I couldn’t visit my DM, I’d ignore him

cocksstrideintheevening · 30/10/2023 07:15

You just sound annoyed that you have to work. DH is a teacher he takes the kids away for a few nights most holidays if I'm working.

Shraree · 30/10/2023 07:18

I don't understand your points. Let them go and enjoy a few days to yourself. Make up for it when they're back.

Dillane · 30/10/2023 07:21

spitefulandbadgrammar · 30/10/2023 06:59

If he’s a SAHD (how, if they’re both in school?) and is in charge of activities this half term, he’s in charge of activities this half term. Don’t micromanage it. I’d leave them all to it and enjoy an empty house for a couple of days.

If he’s a SAHD (how, if they’re both in school?)

Oh give over 🙄

MassiveOvaryaction · 30/10/2023 07:21

Gosh, you're really quite controlling aren't you @ditzzy?

Mystro202 · 30/10/2023 07:26

Sorry Op but I think YABU. Your first point stating that you like to go too, that is the real reason you don't want them to go. The others are excuses. Let them go and have fun on their holidays with their Granny, she won't be around forever 🥰

Brefugee · 30/10/2023 07:28

gently - stop trying to control everything. If he is the SAHP let him do the P part.

AluckyEllie · 30/10/2023 07:29

Wave them off and enjoy your time in an empty house!!! I dream of my husband taking our child away without me 😂😂

Also- 100 miles isn’t far. They are 8 and 5, they can entertain themselves in the car for 2 hours. Food- well your husband must do food for them at home and anyway, grandparents house is meant to be treats galore (for a
short period.)

xyz111 · 30/10/2023 07:31

You are being awkward.

MiniCooperLover · 30/10/2023 07:31

Stop managing him so much, I don't understand why you're making this such a big deal. Out of all the pretty much made up reasons not to go, the one that jumped out at me was you entertain the kids in the back of the car on journeys, really ??? Why ???? Give them a book, let them entertain themselves or they'll never learn how.

kittenchaos2 · 30/10/2023 07:32

Stop being so controlling and let them go without you. Then talk about Xmas holiday plans in advance and put something in the calendar ahead of time that's set in stone.

gotomomo · 30/10/2023 07:33

You entertain an 8&5 year old in the car? Just leave them be, same goes at granny's, unless there's a big drip feed about severe sen, an 8 and a 5 year old can entertain themselves whilst their dad and granny to paperwork or odd jobs in the house. It speaks of FOMO to me

frazzledasarock · 30/10/2023 07:33

My rule of thumb is. If DH is going to behave like an inconsiderate child to his family, let him get on with it.

not worth fighting over it, as that then drags me into the bad guy role.

if your husband has decided that’s what he’s going to do let him. It’s his mother and his decision to drag the poor kids to their grans and be bored to tears. One week of being bored won’t hurt them. It might make him consider his actions in more detail next time.

let him get on with it.

Original poster
ditzzy · 30/10/2023 07:34

🤣 I did post to try to get different views to my own, so yes, thanks everyone.

My concerns are that he’ll spend the whole time being really impatient with them. He’ll be distracted driving them there and shout at them to shut up when they’re singing, they drop the toys on the floor of the car and whinge a lot (which would all be his problem for a change instead of mine).

He’ll tell them to stop bothering them while they’re doing other things (such as Granny’s house admin).

He is a SAHD still because he doesn’t want to work for anyone that doesn’t fully appreciate him. He was made redundant post-first lockdown and has done a handful of freelance weeks since then but doesn’t want entry level pay at his age, and his profession has been so automated that all jobs going are entry level.

I still do all general food organisation and he does the school runs.

I work at home most of the time, so am on hand to do lunches and things and generally help out when they’re home with him.

Usually Granny hops on the train and joins us rather than the other way round, but last time, she fainted when she was here (due to not eating and drinking properly on the train) and we had to have an ambulance out. So we’re going to give plenty of warning for the next visit here so she can book the right train that doesn’t overlap lunchtime.

It feels a very long way away for them to all go - and feels like the only reason is because he doesn’t want to look after them on his own; he wants his mum to do it.

OP posts:
Bootskates · 30/10/2023 07:35

Can you even swap your days off? Trying to get a half term Friday off last min at my place would be pretty much impossible.

If you can do it though, you should leave them to get on with it

lap90 · 30/10/2023 07:36

Just leave him to it.

Tourmalines · 30/10/2023 07:37

catchmewhenifall · 30/10/2023 07:03

Release your grip and let them get on with it.

The reason all that happens when you're there, is because you're there! They're able to go off and do Granny-admin is because you're there to pick up the slack.

Anyway let them go and enjoy their time. I am a firm believer of dads going off to their mums with the kids. It gives the dad a chance to have to anticipate and be in charge and gives grandma unfettered access to the kids without the mother being around and therefore being further down the pecking order.

SORRY, you're being unreasonable.

Yes! This 100%!!! Let the poor man breath a bit and use his own brain. I’m sure his mum will be jumping for joy!

NoSquirrels · 30/10/2023 07:37

So the issue is that your ‘D’H is a dick, rather than him taking them to see his mum on his own?

You still do all the parenting and organising whilst working as well, and he does a few school runs and applies (or not!) for jobs and shouts at his kids for being kids.

Ellie1015 · 30/10/2023 07:38

Yabu not to try and swap days or to ever "put a stop to it"

If mil thinks too short notice she can have that conversation with her son. He will learn to deal with them in car amd any other practicalities, they arent toddlers so it isnt as high stress as it was when younger.

If I were your partner i would be letting you know we are going not asking permission.

Donotshushme · 30/10/2023 07:39

I think it's an excellent idea for him to take them without you smoothing every single possible bump in the road. Can't quite get my head around sitting in the back with them for a relatively short drive to entertain them. Don't they have books/toys/ipads?

To be honest you all sound like really hard work - Granny needs a train booking for her and told when to eat, dh doesn't want to work for anyone (do any of us?!) And you need to be in control of everything otherwise the kids might get told off. All of you.. chill out.

2chocolateoranges · 30/10/2023 07:40

Your dh is a SAHD as he doesn’t want to work for someone who doesn’t appreciate him!! Do any bosses really appreciate their staff?😂😂

he’s a SAHD but it’s you that does lunches etc due to working from home, he’s got it easy!

if he was as useless as you are making out he is I wouldn’t want him taking the kids either away either.

Ilovelurchers · 30/10/2023 07:41

With respect, you don't sound like you think very highly of him at all - you are extremely critical of his parenting and without exactly saying it, make him sound like a real twat. Is this a happy relationship for either of you? I wouldn't want to be with someone I thought so little of that I didn't trust them to look after their own kids properly for a few days. And from his perspective, I wouldn't want to be with someone who thought so poorly of me.

Apart from the car battery (that is a genuine and extremely legitimate concern - my fella is a cat dealer and I hate him driving a long way in dodgy vehicles even without a child!) in this instance it would seem very very controlling of you not to "let" them go (can you stop them?). We are obviously all protective of our kids, that's natural, but when you have a coparent you have to accept that their way of doing things will be different to yours - they are a different person. But as long as it is not abusive, they are a parent too and you have to let them get on with it. Of course you can discuss ways of doing things and make suggestions. But you can't demand he does things your way just because you think you are a better parent.