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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to take kids to his mum for a few days

245 replies

ditzzy · 30/10/2023 06:53

This comes up every half term, I thought I’d made my feelings clear when I stopped it last time but it came up again last night.

DH (well partner, we’re not married) is a SAHD and is in charge of activities for half term this week. It’s his first holiday in charge of both DD as DD2 is in reception (DD1 is 8). I’ve managed to take Wednesday and Thursday off and was starting to look for some nice days out.

He asked last night whether I could swap to Thursday and Friday off so that he could take them 100 miles away to his mum’s for the first half of the week.

I know I’m working, so it’s it’s my own fault for not being able to go too, hence maybe I’m being unreasonable for not wanting them to go and have fun without me, but I don’t like it because:

I like going there too.
Whenever we go there he and his mum do all her household admin and leave me looking after DDs, so I think they’ll be told to be quiet and play on their own there and not enjoy it (and I don’t want them to have a bad memory of their Granny).
He’s not asked her - she likes warning of visitors as she has her own social life as well!
I usually do all the food sorting etc for DDs when we go there, as well as early morning wake ups - he’s going to tell them to be quiet, go back to bed, when they would normally get up.
It’s a two hour plus drive which I entertain kids for in the back of the car.
The car also has a battery problem at the moment, so I don’t think he should risk taking it that far until it’s fixed.

Surely he knows these things too? Some is just DH being inconsiderate to his mum; some is his own anxiety about being in charge of them both on his own so wants her help; some is presumably just because he wants to make the point that I’m being awkward (and he thinks I prioritise work over family too much).

Any thoughts? Should I just bite my tongue and help him pack? Or point out that he’s really not thinking about everyone else by suggesting it?

OP posts:
AgaMM · 30/10/2023 08:21

You posted started off saying they’ll be having fun without you and you like to go, to listing out a whole range of problems, which got worse as the list progressed.

So I do wonder if it simply is a case of you getting FOMO and then coming up with excuses to justify it.

Condo · 30/10/2023 08:21

Let him crack on - I can’t understand this micromanagement. Also he isn’t a SAHD he is a lazy unemployed bastard. If you want to put your energy into something get him to get earning. Also your comment and being made to feel bad about putting work first - one of your has to go ensure there is food on the table!!!

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 30/10/2023 08:22

ditzzy · 30/10/2023 08:12

Not sure my replies are tagging to the posts!

I don’t mind them going out and having fun without me, they usually go on day trips and local activities in the holidays. It’s just the multi-day nature of visiting Granny and how far away it is.

It’s a two hour drive!!!!

My husband takes our children abroad twice a year without me - that is what I would class as “being far away” - not a quick drive down the motorway.

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 30/10/2023 08:23

AgaMM · 30/10/2023 08:21

You posted started off saying they’ll be having fun without you and you like to go, to listing out a whole range of problems, which got worse as the list progressed.

So I do wonder if it simply is a case of you getting FOMO and then coming up with excuses to justify it.

What is FOMO? I see it all the time and have no idea what it means 😂

Condo · 30/10/2023 08:24

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 30/10/2023 08:23

What is FOMO? I see it all the time and have no idea what it means 😂

Show quote history

Fear of missing out 😛

Climbingthehillfast · 30/10/2023 08:24

Let him get on with all of it. He’s sounds more obnoxious and lazy rather than wanting to be a sahd

Snowdropanddiddums · 30/10/2023 08:24

If it’s only 100 miles could he take them Monday morning to Wednesday morning that way you get a lie in on your first day off but they’ll be back mid morning for you all to do something together.

AgaMM · 30/10/2023 08:27

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 30/10/2023 08:23

What is FOMO? I see it all the time and have no idea what it means 😂

Show quote history

Fear of missing out.

So OP not wanting to miss out on a visit to grandma’s because she wants to go too is FOMO.

Ragwort · 30/10/2023 08:27

Let him take them & deal with the consequences... you sound very controlling and everything has to be your way. I have a friend who sounds a bit like you, she absolutely couldn't bear her DH to do anything with the DC without her as she 'doesn't want to miss out'. She always organises everything and now they are both retired her poor weak DH is at a loss because he's never had to organise anything in his life ... I dread to think what happens if she dies first (maybe he'll get a new lease of life and enjoy making his own choices!).

Universalsnail · 30/10/2023 08:28

Yabva. Let him go to his Mum's. Enjoy a few days of peace.

HippeePrincess · 30/10/2023 08:31

He sounds lazy, bad tempered and incapable. You sound controlling, a micromanager, and overly permissive with the children. They sound babied and brattish. They have to learn that messing about in the car is dangerous and distracting, that if they drop something they’ll have to wait.
Just let him get on with it all, all of it, leave the packing and organising down to him completely since you work and he doesn’t seem to do anything at all.
Id also leave the cocklodging bastard but that’s another story.

Original poster
ditzzy · 30/10/2023 08:35

DD1 has actually just sneezed over to me and said she’s not feeling well anyway (and has temperature) so possibly that’s scuppered the thinking for this week. She’ll be fine with Calpol but not sensible to send to an elderly relative.

I’ll have to have a chat about planning further ahead next time and see what we come with. I’ve just asked him what his plans are and checked whether he’d already spoken to his mum (if he’d already cleared it with her and I just hadn’t realised, it would take away my concern about landing on her unannounced, and would add the point that if she was planned and looking forward to it, it would swing the balance the other way for me).

He hadn’t mentioned it to her at all and says that because I didn’t agree to his plan last night it’s now my fault that it’s too late to organise anything (it was later than the time he would ever call her last night). Although that doesn’t matter if DD1 is now potentially infectious.

We can’t just go at the weekend instead because he has sport plans of his own (that don’t involve us).

I didn’t phrase it a bit harshly in the first post - I don’t usually put my foot down about this, I just find something that Granny will enjoy doing here and invite her to join us. Everything is brilliant when she’s here.

OP posts:
spitefulandbadgrammar · 30/10/2023 08:36

He doesn’t sound like a SAHD, he sounds unemployed and does the holiday childcare by default because of it. Equally, you sound micromanagey: he’s not going to magically improve his parenting if you keep doing it for him or stopping him taking the kids to his mother’s.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 30/10/2023 08:38

Oh please. Your DD sneezed and now can't possibly go away. The excuses you're coming up with are ridiculous. Leave the poor man to parent. If he wanted to turn up at his mums unannounced then that's on him

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 30/10/2023 08:39

ditzzy · 30/10/2023 08:35

DD1 has actually just sneezed over to me and said she’s not feeling well anyway (and has temperature) so possibly that’s scuppered the thinking for this week. She’ll be fine with Calpol but not sensible to send to an elderly relative.

I’ll have to have a chat about planning further ahead next time and see what we come with. I’ve just asked him what his plans are and checked whether he’d already spoken to his mum (if he’d already cleared it with her and I just hadn’t realised, it would take away my concern about landing on her unannounced, and would add the point that if she was planned and looking forward to it, it would swing the balance the other way for me).

He hadn’t mentioned it to her at all and says that because I didn’t agree to his plan last night it’s now my fault that it’s too late to organise anything (it was later than the time he would ever call her last night). Although that doesn’t matter if DD1 is now potentially infectious.

We can’t just go at the weekend instead because he has sport plans of his own (that don’t involve us).

I didn’t phrase it a bit harshly in the first post - I don’t usually put my foot down about this, I just find something that Granny will enjoy doing here and invite her to join us. Everything is brilliant when she’s here.

How convenient……

I hope her sneezes stop soon 🙄

AgaMM · 30/10/2023 08:41

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 30/10/2023 08:38

Oh please. Your DD sneezed and now can't possibly go away. The excuses you're coming up with are ridiculous. Leave the poor man to parent. If he wanted to turn up at his mums unannounced then that's on him

This. OP really is looking for any excuse under the sun simply because she doesn’t want to miss out.

hardknocklifeforme · 30/10/2023 08:41

If you're honest are you just anxious about them being away? I hate my DC going away without me. I know this is a problem but I recognise some of myself in your post.

Pushmepullu · 30/10/2023 08:41

You sound very controlling. Micromanaging to this degree puts the dampners on any outing. So the kids get bored, so he shouts at them, so what?
He’s a SAHD, you WFH yet you are the one making lunch. Is it because he ‘doesn’t do it properly’? Maybe that’s why he wants to go to his mum’s.

LIZS · 30/10/2023 08:42

Let them go. Have Wednesday to yourself if needs be. Battery may recover on a two hour run , assume you have AA if not, or he can get it replaced easily enough. They will have to entertain your dds without you there.

WhatHaveIDoneNo3 · 30/10/2023 08:43

YABU…. Extremely unreasonable.

why on earth do you still need to entertain an 8 and 5 year old in the car? My kids have never been ‘entertained’ and don’t need iPads either for journeys of that length.

You sound controlling, he’s a SAHD I don’t get why he needs your permission tbh

Garrie · 30/10/2023 08:44

Wow you sound really controlling. They're allowed to have fun without you. Don't let your jealousy affect your DC's fun.

All the excuses you've come up with are ridiculous.

DarkForces · 30/10/2023 08:46

I think you really need to think about your attitude towards your dh as an equal partner and father. You don't seem to trust him at all to look after his own children and despite the fact he's a sahd , you are taking the role of the 'good' parent.

If you believe that your joint children will be safe in his care (and I don't include a bit of irritation when kids are pissing about as unsafe) then you need to support him and take a backseat during your working hours.

That doesn't mean packing or picking up after them, it just means letting him make some decisions then get on with organisation on his own.

edit to say not that sahp are good per se, but you seem to be entrenched in this unhealthy narrative of him being worse than you

SocksOfMagic · 30/10/2023 08:49

He’s a sahp and wants to look after them at his mums. It’s fine. If it’s a disaster he will review it and do it differently next time

Blueggsandham · 30/10/2023 08:58

Taking the kids away when you've got a couple of days off to spend with them is unfair to the kids and to you - he needs to change his plans so you can all have some family time together. He can visit his mum some other time.

Caterina99 · 30/10/2023 09:02

Firstly, I was a sahm before my kids were school age and never felt less appreciated (by my kids, family, and society). I don’t think it’s exactly great for self esteem, especially since your kids are at school and it seems you do most of the work anyway! Basically he is unemployed and does school runs.

Secondly if DH wanted to take the kids to his parents for a few days I’d be delighted. In fact he did for a week in the summer. I had a lovely peaceful week at home. I’m sure things were different not having me there, but they managed and had a great time!

My only issues would be him not planning it with his mum - wtf?! And the car.