DH wants to take kids to his mum for a few days

[ditzzy]

This comes up every half term, I thought I’d made my feelings clear when I stopped it last time but it came up again last night.

DH (well partner, we’re not married) is a SAHD and is in charge of activities for half term this week. It’s his first holiday in charge of both DD as DD2 is in reception (DD1 is 8). I’ve managed to take Wednesday and Thursday off and was starting to look for some nice days out.

He asked last night whether I could swap to Thursday and Friday off so that he could take them 100 miles away to his mum’s for the first half of the week.

I know I’m working, so it’s it’s my own fault for not being able to go too, hence maybe I’m being unreasonable for not wanting them to go and have fun without me, but I don’t like it because:

I like going there too.
Whenever we go there he and his mum do all her household admin and leave me looking after DDs, so I think they’ll be told to be quiet and play on their own there and not enjoy it (and I don’t want them to have a bad memory of their Granny).
He’s not asked her - she likes warning of visitors as she has her own social life as well!
I usually do all the food sorting etc for DDs when we go there, as well as early morning wake ups - he’s going to tell them to be quiet, go back to bed, when they would normally get up.
It’s a two hour plus drive which I entertain kids for in the back of the car.
The car also has a battery problem at the moment, so I don’t think he should risk taking it that far until it’s fixed.

Surely he knows these things too? Some is just DH being inconsiderate to his mum; some is his own anxiety about being in charge of them both on his own so wants her help; some is presumably just because he wants to make the point that I’m being awkward (and he thinks I prioritise work over family too much).

Any thoughts? Should I just bite my tongue and help him pack? Or point out that he’s really not thinking about everyone else by suggesting it?

It does sound like you make a meal out of fairly simple things.

Your mil passed out, so you have to worry about scheduling the right train which does run over lunch? Can she not bring a sandwich to eat on the train? Surely that’s the easiest fix?

It’s fine to miss them when they go, not fine to tell them not to go. You sound very uptight and controlling sorry OP.

The only proviso I would add is that he needs to check that his mom's available. If he turns up with the children and finds that she's gone away for a few days he's got a pair of disgruntled children to ferry back home for the 100 mile journey!

Please don't. He will feel patronised and belittled. Justifiably

@pookie999 did you read the OP, he clearly d9esnt give the kids proper attention, so of course she should advocate for her kids.

It seems to me that part of this is your own insecurity - it is very normal for that first time separation so I don't mean anything bad by it. But just let him crack on and make sure you have your time alone planned so that you make the most of it. Maybe a bottle of wine, a good film, that kind of thing.

Check in with him that everything is OK - decent journey, how are his parents etc, but absolutely avoid any 'told you so' snide comments if he says it was a bad journey etc.

DW & I did full role swap. Step back, let them get on with it. No1 child will contribute opinions I guess to keep him straight.
Tighten battery leads before leaving.

Being completely unreasonable! My OH regularly drives the 6-7 sometimes 8 hour trip to Scotland to visit his parents, I love going but am not always able to if I’m working so he’ll often go just him and our ds who is now 6 and I don’t even think it would be my place to tell him not to do this, as he is just as much a parent with just as many rights to decision making as I have, he’s also more than capable of parenting without me! Chill out a bit and enjoy the peace and quiet OP 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

THIS!!!

If OP is indeed a real person, you should know you are coming across as AI. Are there other issues here?

Maybe he's not shit but she just thinks things can't happen without her so she jumps in to do everything before he's had a chance it says she stopped the visit last time maybe she just likes to be in control and she needs to step back and let him get on with it.

He does sound a bit of a precious twat, with his “can’t work because they don’t appreciate me” rubbish. Surely he should work at least part time now the kids are at school?

But equally you sound a bit mollycoddling and micro managing - 5 and 8 you don’t need to sit in the back of the car with them to entertain on a two hour driver. And they can be told to go back to sleep if it’s very early, or play on their own/ watch tv for a bit.

Cant comment on the sneezing but surely it’s up to him if he looks after them at Granny’s or at home.

Would you ask that (“How”) if a woman said she was a SAHM when the kids were school?

YABU. You summed it up in your first sentence; you like to go there too.

What I will say, in a world where women often criticise men for not listening when they tell them they need help with children and domestic life, is that if you believe he’s trying make a point in that he needs help and you’re not giving it, you need to listen to him. Don’t be a hypocrite.

I don't understand why not. We live in Northern Ireland so I'll frequently fly to Newcastle to visit my parents without my partner as he can't always get the time off.

This cannot be real. It wouldn't even occur to me to sit in the back with my 18 month old to entertain him, never mind an 8 and 5 year old. And in what world is a 2 hour drive too long for them? My extended relatives all lived 3 hours away and we were down every 6 weeks to see them from babies. We were just left to get on with it in the back seat. Absolute madness.

YABU and totally ridiculous.

Let him get on with it. When he screws up and makes a mess of things he will have to do a lit of creeping to the kids and his Mum for not having brought you along to help.

OP is a bit quiet.

I presumed this post was going to be about a MIL you/your DC disliked and your OH wanted to take them regardless.

But it seems actually you don't want to miss out and seem to be manufacturing excuses why your partner and children shouldn't be allowed to have fun whilst you work.

My DH is a much better dad when I'm not around (he's a good dad anyway but there's definitely an element of not needing to be as patient/engaged/tolerant if I'm there as I tend to be 'default parent'. My children also have complex additional needs so they are more exhausting than other 8 and 10 year olds!)

I think your OH taking his children away could be really positive for all of you.

You are being very unfair and honestly there are so many red flags in your post I just wish your husband was on here so he could get some support with living with you. I'd love his perspective on your actions. You completely flip between put downs of his family to trying to play victim for missing out, you put your husband down and belittle him to make one point then go to the opposite for the next, I truly hope he takes the children and gets away for a few days. Your daughter is 8, if she didn't like it at nans she would say (assuming you don't try and manipulate what you want from her) and honestly if you partner wants to see his mum while you are working then he should 100% be able to. He deserves a support system too and just because your home life was poor that doesn't mean his should be limited. Don't use your daughter being poorly as an excuse - that's really low. He's her father and its his mother, they don't need your input to determine whether a visit it appropriate or not.