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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to take kids to his mum for a few days

245 replies

ditzzy · 30/10/2023 06:53

This comes up every half term, I thought I’d made my feelings clear when I stopped it last time but it came up again last night.

DH (well partner, we’re not married) is a SAHD and is in charge of activities for half term this week. It’s his first holiday in charge of both DD as DD2 is in reception (DD1 is 8). I’ve managed to take Wednesday and Thursday off and was starting to look for some nice days out.

He asked last night whether I could swap to Thursday and Friday off so that he could take them 100 miles away to his mum’s for the first half of the week.

I know I’m working, so it’s it’s my own fault for not being able to go too, hence maybe I’m being unreasonable for not wanting them to go and have fun without me, but I don’t like it because:

I like going there too.
Whenever we go there he and his mum do all her household admin and leave me looking after DDs, so I think they’ll be told to be quiet and play on their own there and not enjoy it (and I don’t want them to have a bad memory of their Granny).
He’s not asked her - she likes warning of visitors as she has her own social life as well!
I usually do all the food sorting etc for DDs when we go there, as well as early morning wake ups - he’s going to tell them to be quiet, go back to bed, when they would normally get up.
It’s a two hour plus drive which I entertain kids for in the back of the car.
The car also has a battery problem at the moment, so I don’t think he should risk taking it that far until it’s fixed.

Surely he knows these things too? Some is just DH being inconsiderate to his mum; some is his own anxiety about being in charge of them both on his own so wants her help; some is presumably just because he wants to make the point that I’m being awkward (and he thinks I prioritise work over family too much).

Any thoughts? Should I just bite my tongue and help him pack? Or point out that he’s really not thinking about everyone else by suggesting it?

OP posts:
jesshomeEd · 30/10/2023 09:07

He's a SAHP and the kids are 5 & 8, of course he can take them away for a few days!

If he's a shit dad and lazy partner then that's a bigger issue you need to deal with, but it's not going to be solved by telling him what he can't do with the kids in half term.

Iloveshoes123 · 30/10/2023 09:20

It’s a two hour plus drive which I entertain kids for in the back of the car.

I mean the whole thing is a bit ridiculous but this stuck out to me. A 4/5 and 8 year old can't sit in a car for 2 hours without having you sit with and entertain them!
Yanbu re the possible car breakdown otherwise the rest can be sorted by DH who is a SAHD!

Tourmalines · 30/10/2023 09:27

I just can’t figure out how you have to give MIL plenty of warning for the next visit to your place so she can book the right train which doesn’t over lap lunchtime. Do you need to micromanage her too ? Is she not able to think for herself ? Is your lunch time too rigid ?

Everythingwillbeokeventually44 · 30/10/2023 09:34

YABU

snoreb · 30/10/2023 09:41

Ridiculous

Poniesandrainbows · 30/10/2023 09:47

Op you are being totally unfair and are now using a sneeze to get your own way.

Original poster
ditzzy · 30/10/2023 09:53

Tourmalines · 30/10/2023 09:27

I just can’t figure out how you have to give MIL plenty of warning for the next visit to your place so she can book the right train which doesn’t over lap lunchtime. Do you need to micromanage her too ? Is she not able to think for herself ? Is your lunch time too rigid ?

She changed her usual train time so she could reserve a seat which meant she arrived late afternoon, and refused to eat or drink on the train as she doesn’t like train toilets. If she books earlier she can reserve a seat on the usual, earlier train and arrive in time for lunch.

OP posts:
Valeriekat · 30/10/2023 09:54

He isn't a sahd though is he?

Original poster
ditzzy · 30/10/2023 09:55

Poniesandrainbows · 30/10/2023 09:47

Op you are being totally unfair and are now using a sneeze to get your own way.

Is it acceptable practise now to send infectious children to elderly relatives??!!

DD1 has a temperature and is sneezing, she’s now taken herself back to bed. She’s not well.

OP posts:
Dramatic · 30/10/2023 09:57

At 8 and 4 they shouldn't need constant entertainment and attention from adults, they can sit and play for a while if your DH needs to help his mum with something. They are also definitely old enough to behave on a car journey.

I think you have a bit of a deeper issue going on here of him not wanting to work but you still doing a lot of the household work, plus him blaming you for not being able to go when he hasn't even bothered to organise it.

Cosyblankets · 30/10/2023 09:59

NoSquirrels · 30/10/2023 07:09

This comes up every half term, I thought I’d made my feelings clear when I stopped it last time

This is actually super unreasonable- why can’t he ever see his mum with his kids without you?

Sounds very controlling

ginasevern · 30/10/2023 10:08

I want to know what "Granny's house admin" is, why your DH has to help with it and why the kids have to be quiet whilst it is going on.

Tourmalines · 30/10/2023 10:08

ditzzy · 30/10/2023 09:53

She changed her usual train time so she could reserve a seat which meant she arrived late afternoon, and refused to eat or drink on the train as she doesn’t like train toilets. If she books earlier she can reserve a seat on the usual, earlier train and arrive in time for lunch.

Show quote history

Surely she can work that out , to eat before she gets the later train . All seems over blown .

user1496146479 · 30/10/2023 10:13

You are being unreasonable & controlling - when 'I stopped it the last time?'

They are his kids too, you are working, let him go to his parents. It's okay for kids to be 'bored' some times you know!! Actually can be good for them!!

BitOutOfPractice · 30/10/2023 10:14

I think you are being U to let him freeload off you and be a SAHP when he is obviously not very nice to your kids. How are you happy for him to be their SAHP at home, 99% of the time and only worry about his impatience, short temper and controlling behaviour when he's at his mom's?

He's not really a SAHP is he? He's just a cock lodger who does the school runs while you do all the rest.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 30/10/2023 10:19

My concerns are that he’ll spend the whole time being really impatient with them. He’ll be distracted driving them there and shout at them to shut up... He’ll tell them to stop bothering them while they’re doing other things (such as Granny’s house admin).

He doesn't sound great.

He is a SAHD still because he doesn’t want to work for anyone that doesn’t fully appreciate him. He was made redundant post-first lockdown and has done a handful of freelance weeks since then but doesn’t want entry level pay at his age, and his profession has been so automated that all jobs going are entry level.

Christ on a bike. This makes him sound like a lazy, entitled cocklodger.

He needs to get back to work doing SOMETHING and start contributing to the family, not do a shit job of being a SAHD because he thinks he's too good to work.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 30/10/2023 10:21

I think it sounds like you're worried about everything - work, finances, your dh being angry and not working, how your dh acts with your kids - and this is coming out as a need to micro-manage the things you can control, to keep things on an even keel for the dc.

You're working FT, bringing in all the money, yet you still do all the food shopping and cooking??

What is the point of your h? Do you still want to be with him?

Itsnotchristmasyet · 30/10/2023 10:22

YABVU you are jealous that you can’t go and worried they’ll have fun without you, so you’re trying to think of any reason why they can’t go.

You actually sound really controlling.

I hope they go and I hope they go without you.

user1496146479 · 30/10/2023 10:23

ginasevern · 30/10/2023 10:08

I want to know what "Granny's house admin" is, why your DH has to help with it and why the kids have to be quiet whilst it is going on.

Could be help with bills, some online stuff, letters etc!
Hardly hard to imagine! It's okay for children to not always be the centre of attention all the time you know!!!

nibblessquibbles · 30/10/2023 10:25

As PP have said let him get on with it. Enjoy some peace and quiet !

Mazuslongtoenail · 30/10/2023 10:29

Let them get on with it.

Then next time you won’t need to be in charge of feeding them etc because everyone will have managed without you previously.

Bookist · 30/10/2023 10:30

You know, sometimes parents can be irritable with their kids. Sometimes kids can whinge. Sometimes kids have to entertain themselves for a while. This is all perfectly normal and is just how life works.

You simply can't try and plan for every eventuality and try and micro manage away each tiny bump in the road. I'm sure you're trying to control everything with the very best of intentions, but it's actually a very unhealthy way of parenting and just generally living.

trevthecat · 30/10/2023 10:34

This post is bizarre and controlling. And now dd is sneezing so couldn't possibly spend time alone with grandparents and her father. Jesus wept

Tourmalines · 30/10/2023 10:38

ginasevern · 30/10/2023 10:08

I want to know what "Granny's house admin" is, why your DH has to help with it and why the kids have to be quiet whilst it is going on.

That’s none of your buisiness.

HMW1906 · 30/10/2023 10:40

So he’s a SAHD but can’t actually look after his children on his own???? How does that work??

(Just read your updates…so he’s not a SAHD at all, he just thinks he’s too good to get a job! What does he actually bring to your relationship/family unit? He doesn’t have a job therefore doesn’t contribute financially, you have to micromanage everything, he apparently can’t even make his children lunch so you have to stop work whilst WFH to do it, your eldest child sounds scared of him due to his short temper and ‘saying the wrong thing’…sounds like a great guy!)

Let them go, you’re just making rubbish excuses as you have FOMO. Your husband will manage perfectly fine without you and if he can’t then you probably need to reconsider him being a SAHD!