Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to take kids to his mum for a few days

245 replies

ditzzy · 30/10/2023 06:53

This comes up every half term, I thought I’d made my feelings clear when I stopped it last time but it came up again last night.

DH (well partner, we’re not married) is a SAHD and is in charge of activities for half term this week. It’s his first holiday in charge of both DD as DD2 is in reception (DD1 is 8). I’ve managed to take Wednesday and Thursday off and was starting to look for some nice days out.

He asked last night whether I could swap to Thursday and Friday off so that he could take them 100 miles away to his mum’s for the first half of the week.

I know I’m working, so it’s it’s my own fault for not being able to go too, hence maybe I’m being unreasonable for not wanting them to go and have fun without me, but I don’t like it because:

I like going there too.
Whenever we go there he and his mum do all her household admin and leave me looking after DDs, so I think they’ll be told to be quiet and play on their own there and not enjoy it (and I don’t want them to have a bad memory of their Granny).
He’s not asked her - she likes warning of visitors as she has her own social life as well!
I usually do all the food sorting etc for DDs when we go there, as well as early morning wake ups - he’s going to tell them to be quiet, go back to bed, when they would normally get up.
It’s a two hour plus drive which I entertain kids for in the back of the car.
The car also has a battery problem at the moment, so I don’t think he should risk taking it that far until it’s fixed.

Surely he knows these things too? Some is just DH being inconsiderate to his mum; some is his own anxiety about being in charge of them both on his own so wants her help; some is presumably just because he wants to make the point that I’m being awkward (and he thinks I prioritise work over family too much).

Any thoughts? Should I just bite my tongue and help him pack? Or point out that he’s really not thinking about everyone else by suggesting it?

OP posts:
widowtwankywashroom · 30/10/2023 10:43

You sit in the back of the car to entertain your children
Never heard of anything so pathetic in my life
You both sound hard bloody work.

NotLactoseFree · 30/10/2023 10:56

You are controlling.

He is useless.

You can carry on as you are indefinitely OR, you can try taking a step back and he can try taking a step forward.

AngelAurora · 30/10/2023 10:58

He manages perfectly well when you are at work, I think you are just annoyed because he can manage and you do not like it.

rainbowstardrops · 30/10/2023 10:59

With all due respect OP, this thread is utterly bonkers!
Your DH is a SAHP, except he's not because he struggles to look after both children together and resorts to shouting at them and leaving you to make their lunch. He's actually unemployed and it sounds like that's because he thinks he's above doing any job that pays the bills.
You sound quite controlling and granny is a grown woman but can't work out that she needs to eat before a two hour ish train journey. Utterly bonkers all round. Oh and your daughter has now got a sniffle. Ridiculous.

rainbowstardrops · 30/10/2023 11:00

Oh and you sit in the back of a car with two school age children???? Once again, utterly bonkers!

towriteyoumustlive · 30/10/2023 11:05

So your DH is unemployed rather than a SAHD?

If they're ill then probably best not to go, but if they weren't ill then sounds like a good idea for them to have a few days away.

I'm a teacher and take my kids to my parents house for a week or longer in the summer holidays. DH is usually working, and as it's me that does most the child stuff anyway then its fun going away - I get a break!

MyAnacondaMight · 30/10/2023 11:06

If you want your partner to do more, then you have to let him do more. I’m afraid you sound really controlling.

What do you think single parents do on car trips, without the back seat entertainer? They manage. Children learn to entertain themselves, or be bored for a couple of hours.

Original poster
ditzzy · 30/10/2023 11:21

ginasevern · 30/10/2023 10:08

I want to know what "Granny's house admin" is, why your DH has to help with it and why the kids have to be quiet whilst it is going on.

He has power of attorney over her admin to help with dealing with utility suppliers etc so they always have forms to handle.

OP posts:
Itsnotchristmasyet · 30/10/2023 11:26

ditzzy · 30/10/2023 11:21

He has power of attorney over her admin to help with dealing with utility suppliers etc so they always have forms to handle.

Show quote history

Sorting her utility bills out will take about 30mins max.

Hardly the worst thing in the world for the kids to entertain themselves for 30mins.

ManateeFair · 30/10/2023 11:28

ditzzy · 30/10/2023 08:10

That’s a bit of what concerns me. Sometimes the 8 year old asks me how to tell him things to avoid the “wrong” response which sends a red flag up to me. Although I will caveat that concern a bit, because learning how to work around other people’s emotion is probably better than the zero emotion household I grew up in.

He has a couple of health issues that make him short tempered sometimes and that impact his confidence in looking for work.

It sounds like your issue here isn't that you don't want your DH to take the kids to his mum's, but that you don't actually trust your DH to be a SAHD at all, or at least that you don't think he manages this very well.

EveryKneeShallBow · 30/10/2023 11:29

My husband was a SAHP back in the 90s when I worked a job that saw me travelling most weeks so away from home. His parenting approach was very different to mine, and I really struggled with some of his choices. But, you know what? They all grew up to be happy, successful, creative, free thinking individuals who are an absolute credit to us. Sometimes you just have to bite your tongue and be like Elsa. Let it go.

Nevermind31 · 30/10/2023 13:28

FOMO?

Cosyblankets · 30/10/2023 14:00

ditzzy · 30/10/2023 11:21

He has power of attorney over her admin to help with dealing with utility suppliers etc so they always have forms to handle.

Show quote history

What does he need to do?
Even if it's not direct debit it's just a case of paying the bill?

ChristmasQuestions · 30/10/2023 14:12

All of this sounds completely mad to be honest.

Your kids can't behave for 2 hours in the car without winding your DH up to the point he shouts.

Your DH is unemployed, not a SAHD as he only seems to do the school run, rather than all the default parenting stuff

Your DH and MIL will spend days doing her admin - what? How? And he hasn't even asked her if they can go and stay for a few days? That's wildly unreasonable.

Your MIL and train timings is nuts too but in the grand scheme of things is less crazy than the rest of the stuff.

Do your DC have tablets? I presume not if you're in the back of the car entertaining them (aged 8!!!! 8!) But that would help at the crunch points ie the car journey and during the admin. Then they can do nice things the rest of the time.

You all sound very stressed and that's not good - sometimes you need to take the easier path.

PennyNotWise · 30/10/2023 14:16

You're sounding a little bit controlling... If you were in hospital he'd have to cope without you, if you were divorced he'd have them without you... And how would this sound if it was the husband trying to stop the wife going away for a couple of days? He's perfectly capable, and will be more capable with practice.
Maybe you need to get a bit of you back, your own interests without the kids.
I would LOVE a couple of days peace!

CattingAbout · 30/10/2023 14:40

Sounds like DD's illness has put paid to the plan for now.

OP, the only way your DH is going to get more capable in terms of things like driving DC to granny's, sorting food, packing and entertainment for them, is with practice. If you carry on doing all the donkey work for him, he'll never work any of it out for himself.

Mumto2kids86 · 30/10/2023 18:23

Very unreasonable, sorry! Can’t see any issue other than your jealousy.

ScattyGinger · 30/10/2023 18:37

It sounds absolutely glorious! I'd make the most of the peace at home, and enjoy working knowing I could relax and watch my crap telly in the evening. I'd then appreciate my days out with the kids more when they got back as I would have had a bit of a reset. The closest I get to this is when I sneak off to the cinema on my own when the kids are at school. x
..

Montegufoni2017 · 30/10/2023 18:48

YABVU. You’re jealous of missing out on the fun and don’t trust him to be present with the kids, the kids he is a SAHD for…?
You could take the time off work and go or you could wave them off with a smile and hope they have a lovely time, enjoying a couple of evenings alone at home.

Takenobull · 30/10/2023 18:54

Honestly OP you sound like a bit of a control freak. Leave them to it. And on that note- if he doesn’t want to work then let DH do more! Sounds like you’re struggling to let go of quite frankly- EVERYTHING!!

As for DH telling DC’s to stop bothering them while he helps with his mothers admin- too bloody right! Its incredibly healthy for kids to get bored and also learn that you can’t fill every second of every waking moment with activities or parents attention. You will have incredibly highly strung children as adults if you carry on with that attitude. Let their imaginations run wild amusing themselves.

Seriously, I think the issue here is you OP. You don’t really want to go but you don’t want anyone else to either. Take a moment to analyse exactly why that is because there is a much bigger picture here.

SultanOfSwing · 30/10/2023 18:55

None of your updates change my opinion that you sound very controlling and very unreasonable.

Saschka · 30/10/2023 18:57

DS and I are just back from 4 days with DM. Had a lovely time, DS was thoroughly spoiled by his granny, and DM and I got to chat over a glass of wine each evening once he’d gone to bed.

DH was more than happy for us to go away. I would find it hugely controlling if he tried to stop us.

ReadySalty · 30/10/2023 19:02

Let him go.

You do sound a little bit controlling. It will do your DH good to manage the kids on his own.

Have a couple of evenings to yourself.

saraclara · 30/10/2023 19:02

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 30/10/2023 08:38

Oh please. Your DD sneezed and now can't possibly go away. The excuses you're coming up with are ridiculous. Leave the poor man to parent. If he wanted to turn up at his mums unannounced then that's on him

This. You sound horribly controlling. If a woman came in here and said that her DH had put a stop to her taking her kids to stay with their grandma they'd get the utmost support. I'm glad that your DH is getting support from posters too.

When I read the OP I thought you were going to be talking about a baby and a toddler. It's ridiculous that you feel you have to entertain your primary aged kids on a 100 mile journey.
It sounds as though it will do therm good to learn to just sit and entertain themselves like the vast majority of kids.

Crochetablanket · 30/10/2023 19:10

Mumto2kids86 · 30/10/2023 18:23

Very unreasonable, sorry! Can’t see any issue other than your jealousy.

I can see another issue or two, the DH who is apparently a SAHD is in fact incapable if looking after his own DC in the car or in the holidays without his mum or DW to help. he is apparently far too talented to get a job and shouts at his kids if he cannot cope.
He sounds a real catch.