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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I overly kind or is this normal behaviour

208 replies

sellingupslow · 29/10/2023 12:34

Just came back from pumpkin picking with DC3.

Parking was a muddy field type, parked where I was told.

When leaving, I got seriously stuck in the mud. Tractor came to assist. I had to screw in a tow bar thing (attached) so that the tractor could pull me out. Managed, all ok and he tried pulling me out forward, didn't work, so asked me to unscrew and put in on the back of the car so he could pull me out backwards.

Farmer was turning his tractor around so I was trying by myself to unscrew but I couldn't.

I proceeded to ask a passer by who was on his way to the pumpkin patch

Me- "excuse me, don't suppose you could try giving me a hand, I need to unscrew this so the tractor can get me out the mud" (all said with a smile and in a kind polite tone

Him- stares at me and continues walking away

Me - "I'm just struggling to get it out myself and wondered if you might be able to"

Him - "what exactly do you want me to do, if you can't get it out, why should I" and walks away completely.

He was with his partner/wife and daughter (maybe 7/8). AIBU to feel sad that this is the example he was setting his daughter or is that how most people would have reacted?

I know he had no obligation to help and was well within his right to not help, but if it were me and I simply didn't WANT to help, I would have made up some excuse 'sorry I hurt my hand and don't think I'll be much help' so I didn't look rude!

Am I overly kind or is this normal behaviour
OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 29/10/2023 18:32

thecoat · 29/10/2023 18:30

I'd consider it entitled, not rude to ask a stranger for help when you already have help.

And if you ask, you have to be prepared to be told no (which it appears the OP wasn't prepared for).

Because it is unusual to be turned down when you are asking for help...in my experience anyway. Most people would try their best to attempt it!

thecoat · 29/10/2023 18:32

Dacadactyl · 29/10/2023 18:32

Because it is unusual to be turned down when you are asking for help...in my experience anyway. Most people would try their best to attempt it!

Show quote history

I wouldn't and I wouldn't expect my DP to either.

Dacadactyl · 29/10/2023 18:34

thecoat · 29/10/2023 18:32

I wouldn't and I wouldn't expect my DP to either.

Show quote history

Then we have very different expectations of the people in our lives.

Thankfully most people seem to agree that the norm would be some sort of help ro be given/an apology of sorts. Not his blatrant rudeness.

thecoat · 29/10/2023 18:37

Dacadactyl · 29/10/2023 18:34

Then we have very different expectations of the people in our lives.

Thankfully most people seem to agree that the norm would be some sort of help ro be given/an apology of sorts. Not his blatrant rudeness.

Show quote history

Why would I give an apology?

I'm disabled, and autistic and I couldn't help. I'm not sorry about that - it isn't something `I can help so I wouldn't apologise.

If me and my DP were taking a child to pick a pumpkin, I wouldn't want him getting dirty in a muddy field when the person asking for help already had help, and more was not needed. Why would you need more help when the farmer was already dealing with it?

Dacadactyl · 29/10/2023 18:46

thecoat · 29/10/2023 18:37

Why would I give an apology?

I'm disabled, and autistic and I couldn't help. I'm not sorry about that - it isn't something `I can help so I wouldn't apologise.

If me and my DP were taking a child to pick a pumpkin, I wouldn't want him getting dirty in a muddy field when the person asking for help already had help, and more was not needed. Why would you need more help when the farmer was already dealing with it?

Show quote history

OK well maybe you wouldn't be sorry not to be able to help, but anyone I know would be sorry not to be able to help someone who asked for it.

43ontherocksporfavor · 29/10/2023 18:47

Aha there we have it @thecoat you are neurodiverse so why are you trying to argue against the majority on here who are probably not and would respond in a neurotypical way? If you are physically disabled you would not be asked for help with a physical problem and if it was an invisible disability, you would be polite in your response.

Galatine · 29/10/2023 18:56

fluffypotatoes · 29/10/2023 12:40

I'd cut him some slack as he could have been having a bad day but no. "Normal" behaviour is to say "no, sorry I won't be able to help"

"Cut him some slack;"
I'd have cut his balls off, if he was man enough to have any, which I doubt.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 29/10/2023 19:04

43ontherocksporfavor · 29/10/2023 18:47

Aha there we have it @thecoat you are neurodiverse so why are you trying to argue against the majority on here who are probably not and would respond in a neurotypical way? If you are physically disabled you would not be asked for help with a physical problem and if it was an invisible disability, you would be polite in your response.

you are neurodiverse so why are you trying to argue against the majority on here who are probably not and would respond in a neurotypical way?

What a completely arrogant statement. I hate this ‘we vs you’ mentality.

You sound as entitled as OP.

Northernladdette · 29/10/2023 19:10

My husband loves a damsel in distress 😉

43ontherocksporfavor · 29/10/2023 19:13

It’s not entitled at all! If you are an adult who is ND you know your social cues will not pick up on the typically expected responses to situations such as OP describes. You don’t then argue over and over that everyone else is wrong, you realise that you may not have read the situation in a NT way. How dare you insult the majority of ND people in society.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 29/10/2023 19:15

43ontherocksporfavor · 29/10/2023 19:13

It’s not entitled at all! If you are an adult who is ND you know your social cues will not pick up on the typically expected responses to situations such as OP describes. You don’t then argue over and over that everyone else is wrong, you realise that you may not have read the situation in a NT way. How dare you insult the majority of ND people in society.

Edited

What are you on about? You are the one haranguing anyone for having a different opinion and then getting outraged about being ‘insulted’.

I would steer clear of you if you asked me for help.

43ontherocksporfavor · 29/10/2023 19:18

My point is this: Most autistic adults and many youngsters would acknowledge that they are not always picking up on social cues.

43ontherocksporfavor · 29/10/2023 19:19

You called me entitled and you got my response . Now you back up. That’s what I’m on about!

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 29/10/2023 19:41

43ontherocksporfavor · 29/10/2023 19:19

You called me entitled and you got my response . Now you back up. That’s what I’m on about!

Still no clue what you’re on about 🤷🏻‍♀️

MassiveOvaryaction · 29/10/2023 19:45

sellingupslow · 29/10/2023 13:01

He did, he was turning his tractor round whilst this happened, and then came back to me un sorted it out himself Smile

Prior to the farmer coming to help, there were many helpful men (and women) trying to push the car and help, so I know this man was in the minority.

Show quote history

So lots of people helped you, are they all "overly kind" as well? Surely it's obvious from the behaviour of these others that this man was in fact a massive twat and you are not in the minority? Confused

thecoat · 29/10/2023 23:56

43ontherocksporfavor · 29/10/2023 18:47

Aha there we have it @thecoat you are neurodiverse so why are you trying to argue against the majority on here who are probably not and would respond in a neurotypical way? If you are physically disabled you would not be asked for help with a physical problem and if it was an invisible disability, you would be polite in your response.

Me being ND is an invisible disability that means I wouldn't necessarily be polite in my response.

I'm not arguing, I'm just a bit non-plussed by the vitriol against the man - cut his balls off and all that. Why? Because he didn't help a stranger who already had help? It seems a bit of an extreme reaction to me.

HelenaTranscart · 30/10/2023 19:40

He's a twunt. Doubt it's ever occurred to him that someone he cares about might need help in a similar situation

Dymaxion · 30/10/2023 20:06

He was probably pissed off about being there at all ! You see loads of men like this at this sort of event, don't want to be there, sulky and petulant, stomping around the place, but their insta or FB will show them beaming with their DC with the worlds biggest pumpkin, they then drive home in a massive huff !

RockyReef · 30/10/2023 20:08

Oh gosh no, his behaviour wasn’t normal
at all! I would always help when asked and my husband (who is a lot more observant than me) will often spot people who need help and offer before he’s asked. It’s just being a good human and we are bringing our children up the same way.

saffy2 · 30/10/2023 20:29

We bought a secondhand dishwasher the other weekend, I’m pregnant. So dh had it in the car and was ringing round to get a hand to bring it in the house. Eventually he just went onto the street and loitered until someone walked past, and asked them to give him a quick hand. They did. As would I or he have done in the same situation.
that guy was a dickhead. You’re not overly kind, you’re a normal human being 👍🏼

MrsKnows · 30/10/2023 20:53

That’s sad. Really sorry you were stuck and REALLY sorry you encountered a horrible person, instead of a kind person! 💝

Tourmalines · 30/10/2023 20:57

He was a fucking ass .

Thefsm · 30/10/2023 21:38

Not normal at all. I have had three situations where I had car trouble. In one I slipped on the gas pedal when parking and flew straight into a bush that I got stuck on. Before I could even think about what to do a truck with a couple of Hispanic guys drove over, hitched a rope to the back and pulled me out then disappeared off. They didn’t speak any English at all and didn’t wait for a proper thankyou, just genuinely kind people.

bext my battery wouldn’t start and a lollipop man went and got his battery starter from his car for me to use. When that didn’t work three other guys came over to try to figure out the problem. It wasn’t something they could fix, but they were very kind.

third time my tire blew. Before my husband could show up to pick me up a dude drove over and offered to change the tire for me. (We don’t learn to do that stuff on American driving tests, and I wouldn’t be able to anyhow as I have arthritis.)

I think most people are genuinely nice. I’ve been paying it forward by becoming a chauffeur to an elderly man near me who needs help getting groceries and prescriptions. I think if we all try a little to help others it is infectious. Shame that man you met wasn’t one of the good ones.

octoberfarm · 31/10/2023 01:50

He sounds like a tosser. I'm sorry he didn't help you. What a crappy example to set for his kid.

Unrelated: when I first read your post I skim read it and stupidly thought you (as in you, as a person) were stuck in the mud rather than your car and it made the whole description a lot funnier Grin

Fionaville · 31/10/2023 01:59

He's a rude arsehole. Its a shame for his wife and daughter. My DH would have been over helping you before you'd even asked. So would my dad or brother. That man is not the norm.