Am I overly kind or is this normal behaviour

[sellingupslow]

Just came back from pumpkin picking with DC3.

Parking was a muddy field type, parked where I was told.

When leaving, I got seriously stuck in the mud. Tractor came to assist. I had to screw in a tow bar thing (attached) so that the tractor could pull me out. Managed, all ok and he tried pulling me out forward, didn't work, so asked me to unscrew and put in on the back of the car so he could pull me out backwards.

Farmer was turning his tractor around so I was trying by myself to unscrew but I couldn't.

I proceeded to ask a passer by who was on his way to the pumpkin patch

Me- "excuse me, don't suppose you could try giving me a hand, I need to unscrew this so the tractor can get me out the mud" (all said with a smile and in a kind polite tone

Him- stares at me and continues walking away

Me - "I'm just struggling to get it out myself and wondered if you might be able to"

Him - "what exactly do you want me to do, if you can't get it out, why should I" and walks away completely.

He was with his partner/wife and daughter (maybe 7/8). AIBU to feel sad that this is the example he was setting his daughter or is that how most people would have reacted?

I know he had no obligation to help and was well within his right to not help, but if it were me and I simply didn't WANT to help, I would have made up some excuse 'sorry I hurt my hand and don't think I'll be much help' so I didn't look rude!

Is staring at me engaging? If not, apologies

He didn't answer you - I would have also looked at you - I'm autistic and I stare. Especially when confused or when I'm trying to think of how to answer when I'm put on the spot.

I don't know a single male that wouldn't have helped you.

I would have helped too. Although is you couldn't do it, it's unlikely I would have managed.

OP the vast majority agree he was unkind and unnecessarily rude/curt.
Out of interest I just asked DH and DD and DD’s bf(21) who ALL said yes he was rude and they would try to help.

I don't think it's fair to call him rude for not helping. For all we know he has a disability that means he can't. All these people saying "all the
men I know would help" etc clearly only know men with the strength and manual dexterity to do so. Or he might just not be arsed. The not helping is not the issue here. Even OP acknowledges this.

Yes but he could have said ‘Sorry I’m unable to help I’m afraid.’ And not been sarcastic.

If he's not sorry, why would he say he's sorry?

I am sure his wife's love for him died a little more today.

Because if a fellow human is in distress/ need of help and you are unable to assist it is basic manners and decency to explain that you are unable. If you can’t see that I’m wasting my time. I don’t choose to treat others that way.

Why would you say that?

You have no idea what might be going on in their lives.

Unless there's a very good reason for his answer (can't think of one where he couldn't be at least civil) then he behaved like a selfish twat in front of his family.
I bet they were mortified.

Obviously I have no clue what is happening in their lives, or what kind of people either of them are - I would have been embarrassed if my husband/partner behaved like that - being embarrassed by my husband /partner would definitely erode the love I felt for them - so I guess my statement is that if it were me - however I doubt there is much need for deeper critique on what is rather a bland response on a relatively uncontroversial thread but here we are.

I could see myself reacting like that if I were asked to help. I'm shit at social niceties and now I'm wondering if I've really offended people is all.

@thecoat How does he know what’s going on in OP’s life for that matter? Everyone deserves common courtesy.

And the mumsnet award for hyperbole goes to @maddening

I have no horse in this race as I don't particularly think it's a gendered issue at all. I've also not seen much name calling aside from "dick" or "wanker"- But fwiw, in regards to:
"I am trying to think of a scenario where this kind of name calling would be appropriate to call a woman because she didn't say yes when a random man asked of favour of her to do a woman's job for him?

I'd wager that if a single dad was out with his daughter (too old to go in, and too young to be left outside the gents) and needed someone to watch his child for five -ten minutes as a favour whilst he went to the loo, asked a woman, the woman gave him the exact response the man in OP's situation did?
Posters here would 100% consider that rude, and would probably result in name calling.

I don't think you should have asked personally, the farmer was helping you and would have done it for you, you didn't NEED a random stranger to help you.

I wouldn't ask a family on their way to do an activity to help me, your car must have been in the mud so chances are he could have slipped/got muddy/dirty, I think most people would have offered to help you but you didn't need to be helped, not at the cost of getting shit up themselves.

And that was the way it was intended

Just a thought for future ref but if you keep a few squares of old carpet/mats in your car and pop one in front of each wheel (tucking it under as far as you can) it really helps to avoid situations like this. I can't even count how many times mine have helped people out in slippy/icy conditions outside the hilly primary school.

Hurrah. Your Job is done then

Arsehole man

Lots of men would do it just to look manly even if they didn't care about being nice.

He was just being nasty, it can be funny how shameless people can be, I once saw a group of women say "no" point blank to a dad who asked them to take a picture of him and his daughter in front of a London attraction.

Utter bellend. Just be thankful he's not your husband

🥳

Yy it's most likely he was just being rude ... but if you asked us this weekend neither DH or I could help because of medical reasons and we wouldn't want to shout them to a stranger across a muddy field.