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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I overly kind or is this normal behaviour

208 replies

sellingupslow · 29/10/2023 12:34

Just came back from pumpkin picking with DC3.

Parking was a muddy field type, parked where I was told.

When leaving, I got seriously stuck in the mud. Tractor came to assist. I had to screw in a tow bar thing (attached) so that the tractor could pull me out. Managed, all ok and he tried pulling me out forward, didn't work, so asked me to unscrew and put in on the back of the car so he could pull me out backwards.

Farmer was turning his tractor around so I was trying by myself to unscrew but I couldn't.

I proceeded to ask a passer by who was on his way to the pumpkin patch

Me- "excuse me, don't suppose you could try giving me a hand, I need to unscrew this so the tractor can get me out the mud" (all said with a smile and in a kind polite tone

Him- stares at me and continues walking away

Me - "I'm just struggling to get it out myself and wondered if you might be able to"

Him - "what exactly do you want me to do, if you can't get it out, why should I" and walks away completely.

He was with his partner/wife and daughter (maybe 7/8). AIBU to feel sad that this is the example he was setting his daughter or is that how most people would have reacted?

I know he had no obligation to help and was well within his right to not help, but if it were me and I simply didn't WANT to help, I would have made up some excuse 'sorry I hurt my hand and don't think I'll be much help' so I didn't look rude!

Am I overly kind or is this normal behaviour
OP posts:
DawnThoughts · 29/10/2023 13:44

Hahahaha this is my favourite kind of mumsnet nonsense.

'am I overly kind'?? You weren't actually kind at all (not to say you're not a kind person, but you didn't actually exhibit any kindness in this instance)! You've come on here to moan about someone's behaviour when you really don't know what context was behind their refusal, and you've suggested lying if they simply didn't want to help. You don't know why they didn't want to help at all.

Plus the guy in the tractor - who was the one being kind - was the obvious one to ask.

TheBeef · 29/10/2023 13:47

You already had the farmer helping you. All you had to do was wait.
The farmer was probably better dressed to dealing with mud.

Maybe your tone made it sound less like a question? It was ok to ask, ok for the other person, man or woman to say no. They don't have to explain why not.

fluffypotatoes · 29/10/2023 13:48

If the tractor operative was helping you out why did you need him to help too?

TheBeef · 29/10/2023 13:48

DawnThoughts · 29/10/2023 13:44

Hahahaha this is my favourite kind of mumsnet nonsense.

'am I overly kind'?? You weren't actually kind at all (not to say you're not a kind person, but you didn't actually exhibit any kindness in this instance)! You've come on here to moan about someone's behaviour when you really don't know what context was behind their refusal, and you've suggested lying if they simply didn't want to help. You don't know why they didn't want to help at all.

Plus the guy in the tractor - who was the one being kind - was the obvious one to ask.

Absolutely this. The only kind person here was the farmer. Maybe because you were buying pumpkins but still.

Original poster
sellingupslow · 29/10/2023 13:51

DawnThoughts · 29/10/2023 13:44

Hahahaha this is my favourite kind of mumsnet nonsense.

'am I overly kind'?? You weren't actually kind at all (not to say you're not a kind person, but you didn't actually exhibit any kindness in this instance)! You've come on here to moan about someone's behaviour when you really don't know what context was behind their refusal, and you've suggested lying if they simply didn't want to help. You don't know why they didn't want to help at all.

Plus the guy in the tractor - who was the one being kind - was the obvious one to ask.

I only meant and I kind in the sense that I wouldn't have behaved that way. Not that I was kind in this particular situation.

I do know why he refused- because he didn't think he was able to help, or he was lying and simply didn't want to help.

I did ask the farmer to help once he returned, however this guy walked straight past me and I genuinely didn't anticipate him refusing to help, I literally just needed help twisting the bar, same level of effort as opening a jar. He wouldn't have gotten dirty, I don't think I was asking anything unreasonable, I simply needed help. Yes I could have just waited for the farmer to return, but going back to 'am I too kind', i would have offered to help if I was the person walking past, so I didn't think anything of it when I asked him for help.

OP posts:
diddl · 29/10/2023 13:51

It's his wording that is so off isn't it?

I have arthritis so there would be no point in me trying.

So it would be true for me to say that if you couldn't do it I wouldn't be able to.

I wonder if that's what he meant but worded it badly?

Tbh though I probably wouldn't have called after him-just waited for the farmer if no one else came along in the meantime.

Snorkmaidenn · 29/10/2023 13:53

I don't think it's wrong to ask a man for help. They are stronger. Same as when our children were young and one of ours needed help at the park, we mums asked another woman to watch our other child. Can't imagine another mum/woman being rude.

Original poster
sellingupslow · 29/10/2023 13:54

fluffypotatoes · 29/10/2023 13:48

If the tractor operative was helping you out why did you need him to help too?

Because the farmer had a queue of others waiting to be towed out the mud and he asked me to attempt to get it out whilst he turned around, so given that I couldn't, and I appreciated the fact that he was busy and needed to help others, I thought it was appropriate to ask the person walking past for help.

Like I said, he didn't have to help, I'm just baffled by his reaction

OP posts:
susanaa · 29/10/2023 13:54

I disagree with you and don’t think he was rude - when you ask someone for help you need to account for the possibility that they say no, and accept it. It comes across that you would have been upset by any explanation of “no”. He doesn’t need to offer you an explanation.

He isn’t your hired help, he might have his own struggles (mentally or physically) that means he wasn’t best placed to help you. He was with his family and just wanted to focus on them. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad role model. Maybe he’s put himself out before & it wasn’t a good experience?

you said yourself that you had a lot of help and managed to get out of that bind regardless, so who cares if 1 person left you to it? Just focus on the people that did help you.

thecoat · 29/10/2023 13:56

You already had help. Why should he have got himself dirty (because those things are always dirty) to help you when you had assistance already? I genuinely don't understand.

Riverlee · 29/10/2023 13:56

He could have refused more politely.

Original poster
sellingupslow · 29/10/2023 13:59

thecoat · 29/10/2023 13:56

You already had help. Why should he have got himself dirty (because those things are always dirty) to help you when you had assistance already? I genuinely don't understand.

Wasn't dirty, it's a brand new car and this was stored under the boot where the spare tyre is. No oil or grease on it.

Anyway, he didn't have to help, I acknowledge this, I just think his way of refusing to help was odd, and seems a lot of others agree!

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 29/10/2023 14:02

I have no ides what your kindness has to do with this situation?

Would helping you have got him wet and muddy? (I'm assuming when pumpkin picking on a wet day then you dress accordingly but can kind of understand if they were just starting their day why he wouldn't have wanted to get purposely wet and muddy but he didn't have to rude and there were other options. He or his partner could have offered to go off and try to find someone who works there to help you for example?)

MissChanandlerB0NG · 29/10/2023 14:05

YANBU. He's an utter prick

thecoat · 29/10/2023 14:05

sellingupslow · 29/10/2023 13:59

Wasn't dirty, it's a brand new car and this was stored under the boot where the spare tyre is. No oil or grease on it.

Anyway, he didn't have to help, I acknowledge this, I just think his way of refusing to help was odd, and seems a lot of others agree!

Show quote history

You were stuck in a muddy field and had already had loads of people trying to push you out, and one attempt at pulling you out. That suggests it was at best a bit muddy, at worst a mudbath.

He could have been worried about falling or anything.

To be honest, I'd have ignored you, for exactly this reason - because no matter what he said, you were going to pick holes. You expected him to help you even though you already had help, and he didn't, and you're pissed off.

fluffypotatoes · 29/10/2023 14:05

*Me- "excuse me, don't suppose you could try giving me a hand, I need to unscrew this so the tractor can get me out the mud" (all said with a smile and in a kind polite tone

Him- stares at me and continues walking away*

So that's him refusing. Yeah it wasn't great and he ideally would have said something but it might be default. Like with chugger, he doesn't owe you a conversation.

And then you carried on trying to pressure him:

Me - "I'm just struggling to get it out myself and wondered if you might be able to"

you should have just left it after you asked the once.

thecoat · 29/10/2023 14:06

fluffypotatoes · 29/10/2023 14:05

*Me- "excuse me, don't suppose you could try giving me a hand, I need to unscrew this so the tractor can get me out the mud" (all said with a smile and in a kind polite tone

Him- stares at me and continues walking away*

So that's him refusing. Yeah it wasn't great and he ideally would have said something but it might be default. Like with chugger, he doesn't owe you a conversation.

And then you carried on trying to pressure him:

Me - "I'm just struggling to get it out myself and wondered if you might be able to"

you should have just left it after you asked the once.

This, basically.

You had help. You didn't need more.

Original poster
sellingupslow · 29/10/2023 14:08

fluffypotatoes · 29/10/2023 14:05

*Me- "excuse me, don't suppose you could try giving me a hand, I need to unscrew this so the tractor can get me out the mud" (all said with a smile and in a kind polite tone

Him- stares at me and continues walking away*

So that's him refusing. Yeah it wasn't great and he ideally would have said something but it might be default. Like with chugger, he doesn't owe you a conversation.

And then you carried on trying to pressure him:

Me - "I'm just struggling to get it out myself and wondered if you might be able to"

you should have just left it after you asked the once.

As said before, I only asked 'again' because he was staring at me WHILST walking away, I thought maybe he didn't hear me or needed clarification on what I was asking.

OP posts:
TheGander · 29/10/2023 14:09

Nasty behaviour. Maybe he didn’t like being exposed to a situation where his lack of skill was exposed and that made him unpleasant to you. Whatever, it’s just nasty.

ThereIbledit · 29/10/2023 14:09

He was a wanker. Happily, most people aren't.

Medication · 29/10/2023 14:09

yes his response was rude. My husband would have raced over to help and has done on many occasions. It is basic decent human behaviour.

diddl · 29/10/2023 14:11

Perhaps he should just have said that no, he couldn't help?

Although I agree with the pps that he essentially did "say" that by not engaging initially.

He knew that you had help.

Mummyofbananas · 29/10/2023 14:11

I had an issue with my car radiator twice in one week. THe first time a man stopped and temporarily fixed it for me. I took it to the garage and thought it was fixed but the same thing happened again as I was exiting the motorway I panicked and a man stopped to help, drove behind me to somewhere safe and again temporarily fixed it for me. I think that's normal behaviour I know my partner would do the same. Definitely don't think it's normal just to walk by.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 29/10/2023 14:11

I think ignoring a random stranger approaching you for help when you’re on a family day out is, whilst perhaps not the most polite response, is still a reasonable one. Some people are socially awkward, as someone with autism I would find it easier to ignore a request from a stranger that I didn’t feel able to fulfil than to have to respond. I think when he ignored you that was your cue to leave him alone and either wait for the farmer or ask somebody else, I think the fact that after he ignored you and made it clear he wasn’t willing to help you continued to request his help means he wasn’t really unreasonable to then say no in a confrontational manner. He tried to be non-confrontational by ignoring you but you pushed it, some people do find it really hard to say no or respond to unplanned interactions which may be why he ignored you in the first place. I don’t think you can push for a response from a stranger who is trying not to engage and then get annoyed when the response isn’t as polite as you would have liked. Next time if you approach a stranger and they ignore you I think you should accept they obviously don’t want to help, that they don’t need to justify that, and look to ask somebody else.

phoenixrosehere · 29/10/2023 14:12

margotrose · 29/10/2023 12:50

Having a bad day isn't an excuse to be a dick.

Show quote history

This.

I politely asked another pedestrian who was walking in the middle of a narrow pavement if I could get past them with my pram which happened to have two bags of compost in the bottom. They were on the phone and it took several polite excuse mes until they let me pass. They finally did and I thanked them. Took a handful of steps and they started talking about me on the phone to whomever they were talking to. They had actually heard me saying excuse me but were purposely ignoring me. I turned around and asked if there was a problem and pointed out that I had asked them politely and they told me not to start with them because they had a bad day. I shook my head at them and continued walking.

If I had chosen to be rude after the third polite excuse me, and simply pushed past them, the edges of the compost would have hit them in the legs and their day would have been much worse.