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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I overly kind or is this normal behaviour

208 replies

sellingupslow · 29/10/2023 12:34

Just came back from pumpkin picking with DC3.

Parking was a muddy field type, parked where I was told.

When leaving, I got seriously stuck in the mud. Tractor came to assist. I had to screw in a tow bar thing (attached) so that the tractor could pull me out. Managed, all ok and he tried pulling me out forward, didn't work, so asked me to unscrew and put in on the back of the car so he could pull me out backwards.

Farmer was turning his tractor around so I was trying by myself to unscrew but I couldn't.

I proceeded to ask a passer by who was on his way to the pumpkin patch

Me- "excuse me, don't suppose you could try giving me a hand, I need to unscrew this so the tractor can get me out the mud" (all said with a smile and in a kind polite tone

Him- stares at me and continues walking away

Me - "I'm just struggling to get it out myself and wondered if you might be able to"

Him - "what exactly do you want me to do, if you can't get it out, why should I" and walks away completely.

He was with his partner/wife and daughter (maybe 7/8). AIBU to feel sad that this is the example he was setting his daughter or is that how most people would have reacted?

I know he had no obligation to help and was well within his right to not help, but if it were me and I simply didn't WANT to help, I would have made up some excuse 'sorry I hurt my hand and don't think I'll be much help' so I didn't look rude!

Am I overly kind or is this normal behaviour
OP posts:
43ontherocksporfavor · 29/10/2023 15:22

And it has nothing to do with his gender.

Original poster
sellingupslow · 29/10/2023 15:23

saffronsoup · 29/10/2023 15:16

I am curious to know what most posters think are woman's jobs - that if a random man asked a woman (stranger) to do, that she must do it for him or else she is a horrible, awful person?

I am trying to think of a scenario where this kind of name calling would be appropriate to call a woman because she didn't say yes when a random man asked of favour of her to do a woman's job for him?

Most in this thread feel anything car or dirt related is a man's job and a random man has a duty to do the man jobs if a woman asks him or he is a %*#&%(#(&%. What is an example of the flip side?

Mybe sewing on a button? If woman was at the mall with her family and man approached and asked for help sewing a button back on his shirt, then she has a duty as a woman to do that sewing job or else it would be fair to call her every name in the book and see her as a horrible and unkind person?

Edited

It had nothing to do with his gender, in fact when the family approached, I didn't specifically target the question at the man, but he's the one who 'engaged'.

OP posts:
Original poster
sellingupslow · 29/10/2023 15:24

saffronsoup · 29/10/2023 15:16

I am curious to know what most posters think are woman's jobs - that if a random man asked a woman (stranger) to do, that she must do it for him or else she is a horrible, awful person?

I am trying to think of a scenario where this kind of name calling would be appropriate to call a woman because she didn't say yes when a random man asked of favour of her to do a woman's job for him?

Most in this thread feel anything car or dirt related is a man's job and a random man has a duty to do the man jobs if a woman asks him or he is a %*#&%(#(&%. What is an example of the flip side?

Mybe sewing on a button? If woman was at the mall with her family and man approached and asked for help sewing a button back on his shirt, then she has a duty as a woman to do that sewing job or else it would be fair to call her every name in the book and see her as a horrible and unkind person?

Edited

I also just thought it was common decency and kindness to help someone who was struggling, but I understand there are scenarios where his reaction was justified, as pointed out by previous posters

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 29/10/2023 15:25

JennyJenny8675309 · 29/10/2023 14:55

You sound lovely. I hope poor widdle you never gets stuck in a situation where you need help.

Show quote history

if something arises I’ll sort it in a way that’s not a loaded poor windless me expectation on passerby. I’ll not ponder or post about how kindly I am. Nor will I online berate or bemoan the passerby who (rightly) declines stage an intervention

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/10/2023 15:26

I won’t turn into a performance pony Poor windless and poor widdle me to resolve the predicament

Original poster
sellingupslow · 29/10/2023 15:27

@Zone2NorthLondon

I'm not sure why you think I'm entitled, I simply asked the guy if he could help me because I was struggling! I don't think I did anything wrong, and I'm not saying he had any obligation to help me, I'm just asking if his reaction was normal and maybe he could have declined in a more polite/gentle way!

OP posts:
BishyBarnyBee · 29/10/2023 15:27

I am quite surprised that you assumed he would help because he was a man, and everyone thinks he should have helped. He's actually probably right that if you couldn't do it, he might not be able to.

You screwed it in, in theory you should have been able to unscrew it. If you couldn't, the farmer who was helping you get out of his muddy field should have helped you. It was a huge assumption that a random stranger would want to just because he has a penis. I don't think he was that rude or unreasonable really.

43ontherocksporfavor · 29/10/2023 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

saffronsoup · 29/10/2023 15:29

43ontherocksporfavor · 29/10/2023 15:22

And it has nothing to do with his gender.

There are almost zero posts about the woman not helping...it is entirely about gender. Almost every post is about how awful for man is and what an embarrassment he is to women and child - almost nothing about the second adult who was also there. - Only difference was she was a woman.

sollenwir · 29/10/2023 15:30

I don't have an issue with someone not helping you, but there are kinder ways to say it.

diddl · 29/10/2023 15:30

I think he was rude for the way he spoke but not for not helping.

Op had help.

I'm not sure he deserves all the nasty/rude remarks he's getting here.

43ontherocksporfavor · 29/10/2023 15:30

OP you are right, it’s is common decency to help a fellow human being regardless of gender. If someone is unable to help, the tone and attitude in which they do that is everything.

43ontherocksporfavor · 29/10/2023 15:31

@saffronsoup OP says she asked the family and the man answered for them.

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/10/2023 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Op can make clear whatever she wishes, I conversely will make clear my pov
We don’t need to agree. It’s apparent we don’t. Op will say what she feels and I expect she’ll portray herself as kindly and her request as reasonable
Do you understand how mn works. Posters post,there’s a bit of riposte, denials,clarifications, someone inevitably accuses someone of being rude. Then of course there are posters ,such as you, who just turn up to bray

saffronsoup · 29/10/2023 15:34

43ontherocksporfavor · 29/10/2023 15:31

@saffronsoup OP says she asked the family and the man answered for them.

Actually no - her first line says she asked a passer by as HE was walking by.

And why didn't the woman jump in and help? Just because the man didn't want to, doesn't mean the woman couldn't have if she was kind or an even passibly decent human. But clearly she too was a selfish unkind, horrible human, the worst kind and she and her children should be ashamed of her and her complete lack of decency as a human being. I am just not seeing the hate directed at her despite her atrocious, unkind, selfish, horrible, assholish actions in not getting in the mud and helping out OP.

43ontherocksporfavor · 29/10/2023 15:35

Are you ok @Zone2NorthLondon ? You seem particularly keen to defend an unhelpful and unkind person. Why would that be?

zurala · 29/10/2023 15:36

The people on here who think he wasn't rude are clearly incredibly rude themselves. He was SO rude! And actually I think there is an obligation to help others where you can, this was a quick job that wouldn't have held up his day but instead he was a selfish twat. If my DH behaved like that I would be rethinking the relationship, I can't abide selfish people.

43ontherocksporfavor · 29/10/2023 15:36

@saffronsoup are you a man?

RudsyFarmer · 29/10/2023 15:36

OP you asked for help and got short shrift from a member of the public. Society has changed. The internet has played its part in this although I think Covid was when things really changed. It’s a sad testament to days long gone and if you’d posted this on a male dominated forum they’d tell you. You wanted equality, you got equality.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 29/10/2023 15:36

I absolutely would help someone who asked in that situation and I honestly think most people would.

Original poster
sellingupslow · 29/10/2023 15:38

@saffronsoup

The only reason I'm mainly speaking about HIM is because he's the one who engaged. But you're right, and others have pointed this out too, that the lady could have helped too.

Perhaps she didn't say anything because he engaged first and she assumed he would help and then felt embarrassed when he didn't so just walked away with him, perhaps she knew she wouldn't be much use, there's a million reasons why she didn't offer to help which is fine, but we are mainly talking about HIM as he's the one who engaged in the first place

OP posts:
thecoat · 29/10/2023 15:39

HE didn't engage, he walked away, and you didn't take the hint.

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/10/2023 15:39

sellingupslow · 29/10/2023 15:27

@Zone2NorthLondon

I'm not sure why you think I'm entitled, I simply asked the guy if he could help me because I was struggling! I don't think I did anything wrong, and I'm not saying he had any obligation to help me, I'm just asking if his reaction was normal and maybe he could have declined in a more polite/gentle way!

Let me explain then, your post is kindly you needed assistance and the rude man declined . Your entitled behaviour was your immediacy,you wanted his help the very moment you asked.Right there. You didn’t wait or weigh up shall I wait on farmer. The entitlement attitude was I need help,he must do so. You’re then so assured of your entitlement and kindly demeanour and compose a mn AIBU Post. Hoping to elicit poor you responses(which You overall have)

saffronsoup · 29/10/2023 15:39

43ontherocksporfavor · 29/10/2023 15:36

@saffronsoup are you a man?

No, I am not. Why?

I would not be okay with a man going home to his friends or posting on a board and just trashing a woman, calling her names and ripping her to shreds ,because she dared to not help him when he had a woman's job that he wanted help with,

And I am not okay with a man being trashed, and called names and ripped to shreads because he dared to not help a woman who had a man's job that she wanted help with.

PestilencialCrisis · 29/10/2023 15:40

Yanbu. Normal response "I can give it a go" or "sorry, we don't have much time, we're meeting someone and we're already late" etc.

"Why should I?" although valid, is unnecessarily rude.

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