How can my brother salvage this situation

[missblooming]

I'm a long time user, but have set up a new name for this as I dont want it linked to my previous posts. My brother moved in with his partner about six months ago and things were going great apart from one thing, she has a huge dog and it constantly causes rows between them. Things came to a head last week and he told her it needed to go or he would, and she basically said that's fine, my brother needed to go by the end of the month.

They were so happy together and made for a nice couple. My DB was getting his life back on track, and had hoped with his new living arrangements that he would get joint custody of my niece and nephew and be able to spend some more time with them- which would be great for our whole family.

The dog had been sleeping in the GF room when he moved in, which obviously he wasnt happy with so she moved it to a spare room, but when the kids come to stay they dont like staying in what they call the 'dogs room'. Obviously it lets them know where they are in the pecking order! My DB asked for it to go in the kitchen and the GF started to dig her heels in and its become a real bone of contention.

Apart from the dog, I have never seen my brother so happy. It seems a shame that a relationship can be ruined for such a silly reason. I want to help him salvage it, but not sure where to go from here. He has gone from indifference to the dog to being absolutely fixated on it as the problem- things like she'll spend £80 on a bag of food when he's trying to clear credit card debt and cant afford to take the kids to the cinema, he just cant see past it, particularly now shes picked the dog over him.

How can we help her see that she is being unreasonable, or how can my brother let this go? I really don't want him moving back in here, and it will also mean that he is further away from getting shared custody of his kids.

Not her kids, not her issue. I wouldn’t feed my cats crappy food and turf them into the kitchen to bail out some cocklodger.

He may be the happiest you’ve seen him but she clearly isn’t (probably because the relationship is very one-sided).

If his attitude is half as entitled as yours, no wonder there are problems!

Where to begin!

Would you all really be able to let it wash over you that £50 is being spent on special food for the dog,

Yes, i would be okay with someone spending 50 on their own dog instead of my children.

This is a wind up! Surely, this can’t be real

I don't like dogs, but I'm Team Dog here too. He knew about the dog when he moved in and now he's trying to move the goalposts. I thought when you first mentioned the dog it had done something unacceptable, but it's just continued eating food and sleeping in a room. YABU.

Nice to read of a woman sticking up for herself and her dog. Good for her.

I’m wholly surprised this thread hasn’t been deleted. Surely a spoof post no? If it’s not, I hope the girlfriend realises what a bloody lucky escape she’s had with her bf and his whole family by the sounds of it!

This cannot be real!

He has moved into HER house, expects her to get rid of HER dog and resents her spending HER money on the dog instead of on HIS kids?

He needs to grow up, stand on his own two feet, find his own place to live and support his own children financially.

He’s a cocklodger, and she’s absolutely doing the right thing telling him to leave.

I sincerely hope the girlfriend sticks to her guns and boots his lazy, entitles arse out the door!

This has to be a joke.

She's spending HER money on her dog, your brother has an issue with it because HE'S got Credit Card debt, and you want us to think she's the unreasonable one? Yeah..right.

Your brother and his kids can sleep in the kitchen, preferably in a crate and the dog is back in his rightful place, on the bed with his mum. Bob's yer uncle, Fanny's your aunt and Robert's your mother's brother! Job done.

YABU OP. It's not the responsibility of your brother's girlfriend to look after or pay for his children. That's his job. It's also not her job to make his life easier by providing him with a better accommodation option than he could achieve on his own. He moved in knowing she had a giant dog and, if they've been dating some time, presumably knew where the dog usually slept. What she chooses to spend her money on is also none of his business. They're not married and presumably this is her own money, not joint finances. Again, it's not her job to help him pay off his credit card debt.

It sounds like he moved in too soon, without having a proper conversation about what that would look like for each of them e.g. how they manage finances, sleeping arrangements, is she ok with his kids living with them part of the time and, if so, where will they sleep, will he expect her to have responsibility for them etc. If your brother genuinely wants to work this out, he needs to have that conversation - in the knowledge she won't get rid of the dog.

Even if she decided to switch her dog to the cheaper £30 dog food, that’s £50 extra in her pocket, not money into his kids’ fund. It’s not like the kids are going without food, they’re just not getting takeaways.

Can I meet this women and shake her hand please? delighted to hear of a women standing up for herself and not putting up with shite. he knew she had a dog before moved in dog was there 1st. he doesn't like it he can fick right off. you should be telling him to cop himself on. I would if he was my brother. fair play to her

I want to shake this woman's hand too. Very rarely do we see on this forum a woman with decent boundaries!

Team Dog!

I think MN should have some kind of relationships board awards ceremony @Wexone

It's so fucking rare that it feels genuinely thrilling to hear of a woman saying 'Actually, no.'

Essentially you are asking the internet for advice on how your brother can manipulate his girlfriend into doing exactly what he wants (e.g. getting rid of the dog, using her money to fund his lifestyle / children, dictating how she lives in her own home and own commitments)

*missblooming · Today 11:14

The question would you spend £50 less on dog food in ordered buy a special meal for another persons children. That is an obvious, no you wouldn’t.

Maybe you would take on a degree of responsibility and care for children of a guy who has moved into your home if that guy was able to look after them independently and not expect you to get rid of your dog and pay off his debts.

The fact is your brother was so happy because he thought he had found someone he thought he could control

The fact he then gave her an ultimatum and he realised he had lost control is why he is so upset.

You, your family and your brother need to realise that this relationship is over.

Your brother showed his true colours and she wasn’t the patsy he thought he had bagged.
Even if there was no dog your brother needs to find an alternative place to stay.

The fact that he is bitching about £80 dog food and how that money could go towards his debts or to treat his children suggests he still doesn’t understand he needs to leave

If you are really wanting to help your brother why doesn’t he move in with you and you pay his debts and treat his children

I think this woman has been more than generous in giving him time to move out. Pity you and your family aren’t living in reality and giving him hope of a reconciliation as that is just going to make it more of a shock when she gets the police to remove him.

Has he somewhere to go or is he like you trying to come up with what to say to get this woman to “see sense”

This cannot be real?!

I would only be echoing what everyone else has said, and then some.

They’re not her children though so why would she incur costs such as cinema/mcds? And you can’t just change a dogs food, my dog has £60 a bag food and I’m not one of those super dog lovers, it’s just food that works for my dog and I can tell you now I wouldn’t be changing my spending habits because my partner is struggling financially to provide for HIS kids.

That's a brilliant idea. mumsnet head office take note.
I am so thrilled for her. she deserves a crown
really hope the daily mail pick this up to so she can see all the support for her
the op is actually an embarrassment to women

I really hope someone shows this thread to the exgf - well done her!

Your brother is right. How dare this selfish woman put her own wants and needs ahead of your brother and his children.

this woman has no right to stand in his way of getting shared custody of his children. She should get rid of her beloved pet and use all her spare money to pay down his debts and contribute to his parenting costs.

you brother should refuse to leave her home - she made a commitment and should have understand that her house and money was the only way he could be a parent to his children. His whole family’s happiness is exclusively her responsibility.

or…… she should bin the selfish loser and he should move in with you. You can pay off his debts and buy his kids macdonalds every weekend!

He can't salvage it, and she's not being unreasonable. It's her dog, it was there before him (and the kids), and she already did compromise by putting it in another bedroom (which tbh she shouldn't have had to do).

It seems like he's more interested in using his new relationship/living arrangement as leverage to get joint custody. I'm glad she is standing her ground and kicking him out, I would do the same (and I hope she sees this thread with a ton of support for her!)