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Original poster

How can my brother salvage this situation

1000 replies

missblooming · 27/10/2023 11:19

I'm a long time user, but have set up a new name for this as I dont want it linked to my previous posts. My brother moved in with his partner about six months ago and things were going great apart from one thing, she has a huge dog and it constantly causes rows between them. Things came to a head last week and he told her it needed to go or he would, and she basically said that's fine, my brother needed to go by the end of the month.

They were so happy together and made for a nice couple. My DB was getting his life back on track, and had hoped with his new living arrangements that he would get joint custody of my niece and nephew and be able to spend some more time with them- which would be great for our whole family.

The dog had been sleeping in the GF room when he moved in, which obviously he wasnt happy with so she moved it to a spare room, but when the kids come to stay they dont like staying in what they call the 'dogs room'. Obviously it lets them know where they are in the pecking order! My DB asked for it to go in the kitchen and the GF started to dig her heels in and its become a real bone of contention.

Apart from the dog, I have never seen my brother so happy. It seems a shame that a relationship can be ruined for such a silly reason. I want to help him salvage it, but not sure where to go from here. He has gone from indifference to the dog to being absolutely fixated on it as the problem- things like she'll spend £80 on a bag of food when he's trying to clear credit card debt and cant afford to take the kids to the cinema, he just cant see past it, particularly now shes picked the dog over him.

How can we help her see that she is being unreasonable, or how can my brother let this go? I really don't want him moving back in here, and it will also mean that he is further away from getting shared custody of his kids.

OP posts:
QuacketyQuack · 27/10/2023 11:40

Excuse me, they are not his kids! What do you mean the kids "go without" they are his responsibility to feed and clothe. Sounds like your DB is taking the piss, he had moved into her home and thinks he can call the shots , also sounds like he's using her to pay for his kids???
I'm with the GF, your DB sounds like a cheeky fucker

EVHead · 27/10/2023 11:40

Puddycatfan · 27/10/2023 11:35

I don't know who this ex is or where she lives, but I'd love to be her mate! Good on her!
Hopefully she reads mumsnet....

I reckon she’s been on the Relationships board a few times … 😉

Crunchingleaf · 27/10/2023 11:40

Your DB is totally in the wrong here. He is relying on his GF to accommodate his kids while asking her to boot the dog to the kitchen.
It’s his responsibility to provide for his children. It doesn’t sound like he can provide for himself no mind his children.

He has fixated on the dog as the problem and her prioritising the dog. However, what can he do to get out of debt, access stable housing so his children can have contact. He thought leeching on to his GF would solve all his problems. Looking for chaired custody and can’t look after himself.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 27/10/2023 11:41

Whose children go without? HIS???

You are bonkers and he's a dick. He's trying to use her to get more time with his kids - why can't he rent his own place that's suitable? What kind of deadbeat is he? And imagine thinking he has the right to tell her to get rid of her dog! Ugh, she's had a lucky escape!

Tbry · 27/10/2023 11:42

YABU of course the dog comes first! Well done to the GF and dog owner.

Bonbon21 · 27/10/2023 11:42

She loves her dog the same way he loves his kids.... only dog lovers would understand that!
Basically he is using his relationship to enable access to his kids..
And her finances are none of his business... she pays for her dog... which HAS to eat!!!.... and hopefully he is paying for his kids...
Between him and the dog... I know which one I would choose!!

lilyblue5 · 27/10/2023 11:42

She’s not being unreasonable. I’m afraid your brother needs to get on with it.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 27/10/2023 11:43

Honestly there is no saving this situation. I understand it’s upsetting to you to see your brother make a mess of things, but truly his ex has done the right thing and your DB is not being kind at all. Your DB knew the score with the dog. He sounds that he is using his girlfriend He does not sound nice at all, bully or not, he’s not a keeper and I hope his girlfriend does not back down.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 27/10/2023 11:43

missblooming · 27/10/2023 11:35

He is absolutely not a bully. He would never say to her that she CAN'T spend her money like that- it is just one of the things that has really started to grate on him recently that he is noticing and feels unfair. There are lots of these kind of things that are just adding up over time. The dog is treated like a prince whilst the children go without. He isn't dicating how she spends her money, it is just what is adding to the resentment of the dog.

He absolutely is trying to dictate how she spends her money as his resentment of her spending money on her dog instead of his kids led to him issuing an ultimatum. If his kids are going without that's 100% on him. As others have said, the core issue is that he wants to be a cocklodger and she's not playing ball.

PlasticineKing · 27/10/2023 11:44

What has her buying food (dog food or otherwise) got to do with his debt? JFC

Tonight1 · 27/10/2023 11:45

What is his financial situation?

ColleenDonaghy · 27/10/2023 11:45

Neither of them are unreasonable (except if he thinks she should somehow be supporting his children!), they just have different priorities that can't be reconciled.

I don't like dogs, so there's no way on earth I'd be moving in with someone whose dog slept on their bed! She's made some accommodations, but isn't willing to make more which is fair enough. He isn't happy with them, which is also fair enough - especially if it means his DC don't have somewhere comfortable to sleep.

It's a shame but it is what it is. He needs to prioritise getting himself sorted so that he can parent his children without depending on a new partner to do so. She needs to decide whether the dog is worth sacrificing this and future relationships for - she may well feel it is, and that's her call to make.

Toddlerteaplease · 27/10/2023 11:45

But they aren't her children. Why should she pay for them. It is her dog, and she can spend what she likes on it.

notlucreziaborgia · 27/10/2023 11:46

Also LOL at the fact he had the extremely misplaced confidence to think he would actually be the one she picked when he decided to give her an ultimatum.

The definition of fuck around and find out 🤡

coconutpie · 27/10/2023 11:47

So let me get this straight - your brother can't stand on his own two feet yet has DC. He was living with your family, therefore supported by your family. Now he's moved in with his girlfriend and expects her to support him and provide for his DC. He expects her to not spend £80 on dogfood so that she can give him that money to pay off his debts and bring DC to the cinema? You expect him to have joint custody since he has moved into his girlfriend's home?

Are you on glue? The girlfriend would be best dumping the useless cocklodger. You are all being so unbelievably unreasonable. The girlfriend is the only sensible one. She would be well rid of you all.

Jumperhermit · 27/10/2023 11:47

So your DB expects to install his kids in her house and for his GF to pay for his kids and his credit card debt?
and get rid of her dog?
what sort of batshittery is this?

Coffeerum · 27/10/2023 11:47

missblooming · 27/10/2023 11:35

He is absolutely not a bully. He would never say to her that she CAN'T spend her money like that- it is just one of the things that has really started to grate on him recently that he is noticing and feels unfair. There are lots of these kind of things that are just adding up over time. The dog is treated like a prince whilst the children go without. He isn't dicating how she spends her money, it is just what is adding to the resentment of the dog.

How is it unfair that she spends her money on her dog?? She's a GF, they aren't her kids!

The dog is treated like a prince whilst the children go without
His kids. If he can't provide for his kids that's on him. They clearly aren't in a committed relationship if she's not fussed about living with him so his kids are HIS responsibility.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 27/10/2023 11:47

Unfortunately I think your brother needs to rethink his living arrangements as he and his girlfriend are not on the same page at all. His girlfriend is providing him with somewhere to live and for his children to visit him, I can't see why she would be paying off his debts as well, that's a big ask for a relatively short relationship.

Having said that, I wouldn't have moved into a house where the dog gets its own fucking bedroom !! that's utterly grim. It definitely shows where her priorities are.

Bumcake · 27/10/2023 11:48

You want to help her see she’s being unreasonable? Okay, I see where your brother gets it now.

Riverlee · 27/10/2023 11:48

Sorry. Your brother is being unreasonable. He knew that gf had a dog and that was part of the deal.

Gf has already made compromises by getting the dog to sleep elsewhere.

Gf spending money on dog food has no relevance to brothers credit card debt - that’s his problem to solve, not hers. Dog food isn’t cheap either, and a large bag could easily cost that.

Does the brother have to move in with you? Can he rent a room elsewhere?

CaroleSinger · 27/10/2023 11:48

Never give a dog owner an ultimatum. It won't end well 🤣

coconutpie · 27/10/2023 11:49

Oh and the girlfriend is 10000000000% right to choose the dog over that useless man. Even if there wasn't a dog, she should still be kicking your brother out.

Londonscallingme · 27/10/2023 11:49

notlucreziaborgia · 27/10/2023 11:39

Tbf I’d choose the resident false widow spider over this dude.

Show quote history

Me too. I'm not defending him, I'm just saying this was entirely predictable.

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 27/10/2023 11:49

MrTiddlesTheCat · 27/10/2023 11:43

He absolutely is trying to dictate how she spends her money as his resentment of her spending money on her dog instead of his kids led to him issuing an ultimatum. If his kids are going without that's 100% on him. As others have said, the core issue is that he wants to be a cocklodger and she's not playing ball.

Show quote history

Absolutely this 💯
He's moved into her place, the dog was already there.
He resents her spending HER money on HER dog that he thinks would be better spent on HIS dc or HIS debt.
Ffs
Round of applause for the gf, now I hope she kicks his sorry arse to the kerb.
No way would I let some bloke dictate what goes on in my home and how my money is spent.
She's better off keeping the dog and losing the cocklodger.
At least the dog will be loyal, loving, protective and not make unreasonable demands of her.

lilyblue5 · 27/10/2023 11:49

I’m guessing she was single before bro moved in and therefore the dog is her companion.
my dog has a ‘dog room’ happens to be the utility.
I don’t get why it’s a problem that this dog happens to sleep in a bedroom: they have to sleep somewhere!?

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