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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable me or DH? Shared children and stepchildren issue

183 replies

GarlicOnEverything · 27/10/2023 10:07

I have recently inherited some money, not a ridiculously massive amount but a decent amount.

There are a few things I'd like to do it, inc saving some, but one of the things is wanting to take out our child and get them some nice things / take them on a day out or weekend away with me.

I work full time and don't get as much time as I'd like to go and do fun things with our child (7). So to have a mummy and DC day is something I really want to do and having the opportunity to spoil them a little makes me happy.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable to give money to DC (was thinking of giving them X amount to spend whilst we are on our day / weekend trip or to buy something they really want) and not give the same to his older DC who are 11 and 13.

Fwiw, I am using some of the money to do some renovations on our house that we all live in and to put toward a family holiday for next year. I think if I want to spend a few hundred pounds on our child then it's my business?

aibu?

OP posts:
Wishimaywishimight · 27/10/2023 10:09

Sounds completely reasonable to me.

If his ex-wife/partner came into money and was treating their children, would he expect yours to be treated too? I doubt it.

justalittlesnoel · 27/10/2023 10:12

Sounds totally reasonable to me!

You're already spending money on the family home + a family holiday.

I wouldn't expect the stepchildren to have any part of an inheritance coming from your side of the family at all, and spending a few hundred pounds on your DC is hardly the end of the world!

His older DC surely have money spent on them by their mum? It's just the same thing.

DogInATent · 27/10/2023 10:13

What's the relationship like between the step-siblings? - are you going to damage that relationship and potentially make things harder for your DC in the future by stoking up points of resentment?

Could you make things easier for everyone by diverting a token sum towards your SC as spending money for the sake of family peace and harmony now and in the future?

ExTheCheater · 27/10/2023 10:15

You are right there is nothing wrong with that. Their mum wouldn't give your child money if she came into an inheritance. Or would he demand that she does.

SecondUsername4me · 27/10/2023 10:17

He is mad. Fair enough, he has three children so should treat them all fairly. You have one child. Same as his ex has two children (with him).

You are not obligated in the way he is to treat all three children the same, because you only actually have direct responsibility for one of them (the one that is yours!).

watcherintherye · 27/10/2023 10:18

If it were me (but it isn’t!), I wouldn’t be comfortable with not giving them something. Not necessarily an equivalent amount, but enough for them to feel they’ve been given a ‘treat’. It’s just a nice thing to do.

Bobbybobbins · 27/10/2023 10:19

Yanbu but I would maybe give them £50 each so they feel included.

funinthesun19 · 27/10/2023 10:19

Yanbu. You’re having some special time with your DC and treating them. God fucking forbid. Your DH is being out of order for begrudging you both this lovely opportunity.

His older children have their own mum to go on trips with and to treat them. Your DC is just doing exactly the same thing.
Or he could treat all 3 of his children himself.

Coffeerum · 27/10/2023 10:25

It's not a black and white one imo. At the end of the day if you live with children and are married to their dad I don't think it is in anyone's benefit to take the line "not my kids - nothing to do with me". It doesn't create a nice environment for them when they are living at their dads.
I think a token amount as a gift for them so they feel included and take your DD out on a day that the stepchildren are with their mum or their dad is taking them out.
I would be careful to not do it in a way where you are taking DD out in front of them and leaving them behind because they aren't your real children.

Ibravedaflood · 27/10/2023 10:25

Ah the old They Aren't Your Dc In Any Capacity Unless It's About Money.... Tell him he can treat his own dc just like you are...

23Oct · 27/10/2023 10:27

watcherintherye · 27/10/2023 10:18

If it were me (but it isn’t!), I wouldn’t be comfortable with not giving them something. Not necessarily an equivalent amount, but enough for them to feel they’ve been given a ‘treat’. It’s just a nice thing to do.

She is giving them something, she's taking them on holiday!

watcherintherye · 27/10/2023 10:29

It’s just struck me that you said

Fwiw, I am using some of the money to do some renovations on our house that we all live in

Does that mean your step dc live with you full time? If that’s the case, I think it would be even more unreasonable not to spend some amount on them. Since when do dc have to be grateful that their parents/step parents are providing a nice home and including them in holidays? If you have any responsibility for caring for dc, it’s just what you should be doing.

Createausername1970 · 27/10/2023 10:30

You don't specifically say whether the children live with you, but as you refer to renovations in the house you all live in, I think they do?

If they didn't live with you, then I would see no issue with you having a nice day with you and DC, they older ones would be none the wiser anyway, but maybe treat them to something when they did come to stay.

If they actually live with you, and you play a parental role in their lives, then I would definitely not be excluding them. Doesn't mean you have to include them in a day out with DC. The 13 year old may not want to spend the day with a 7 year old. But they should definitely have an equivalent, and not feel "left out".

Original poster
GarlicOnEverything · 27/10/2023 10:32

Sorry no they don't live with us full times, they are here 2 nights per week and more in school hols.

I meant it more in the sense that I'm not just spending the money solely on myself, I am using a lot of it on things that benefit everyone and this is the one thing I'd like to do with some of the rest of it.

OP posts:
Annasgirl · 27/10/2023 10:34

YANBU - of course you should spend some on just your DC. And you are treating his children to a holiday!! Imagine that their mum inherited money - would she be spending any on your child?

It is an inheritance from your family- they will gain from inheritance from their own mums family.
as usual you have a DH problem.

LemonLimeDivine · 27/10/2023 10:36

YANBU. Your DH is the problem here.

Createausername1970 · 27/10/2023 10:36

GarlicOnEverything · 27/10/2023 10:32

Sorry no they don't live with us full times, they are here 2 nights per week and more in school hols.

I meant it more in the sense that I'm not just spending the money solely on myself, I am using a lot of it on things that benefit everyone and this is the one thing I'd like to do with some of the rest of it.

Then definable have your lovely day out with your DC, but when the older two are not around.

I would still do something for them though, you are a blended family and they will be in your lives for years to come.

Rosiem2808 · 27/10/2023 10:38

Fair enough OP it's your money, but it's not really about money is it. Bring the step children something back from your trip. Don't create division.

Brumbies · 27/10/2023 10:39

You're a family or you're not. To not involve your SC is a big mistake, imho.

Andie667 · 27/10/2023 10:40

Why just take kid out for one day spending money to argue rights is demoralising for a child. Instead give the child the money as a gift to decide how it needs to be used. You can be invited by child with permission on something they need

Coffeerum · 27/10/2023 10:41

@Annasgirl Imagine that their mum inherited money - would she be spending any on your child?

To be fair I hate this comment, it isn't comparable at all. The DH's ex wife isn't step mum to OP's child, they have no relationship however OP lives with these children as a family for a portion of the week.
What would their mum do is just a stupid comment that has no relevance.

Ibravedaflood · 27/10/2023 10:42

As a sm on mn obviously you need to split your inheritance with his ex so dc get their fair share...
Enjoy your money op. Your money.

funinthesun19 · 27/10/2023 10:45

Brumbies · 27/10/2023 10:39

You're a family or you're not. To not involve your SC is a big mistake, imho.

I think the 7 year old should be able to enjoy some quality time with their mum doing something centred around them without a preteen and teenager coming along.

Flamingogirl08 · 27/10/2023 10:45

Nothing wrong with having a day out with your DC and treating them. The kids won't know about the inheritance anyway.

Maybe just buy a little something for DSD while you're out as a little treat for them also.

I was waiting for the ridiculous comment of "DSD Mum wouldn't give your kids anything" to come up. Literally makes no sense and yet gets trotted out on every Stepchild thread. 😒

Flamingogirl08 · 27/10/2023 10:46

Coffeerum · 27/10/2023 10:41

@Annasgirl Imagine that their mum inherited money - would she be spending any on your child?

To be fair I hate this comment, it isn't comparable at all. The DH's ex wife isn't step mum to OP's child, they have no relationship however OP lives with these children as a family for a portion of the week.
What would their mum do is just a stupid comment that has no relevance.

Totally agree! It makes absolutely no sense at all.

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