Who is being unreasonable me or DH? Shared children and stepchildren issue

[GarlicOnEverything]

I have recently inherited some money, not a ridiculously massive amount but a decent amount.

There are a few things I'd like to do it, inc saving some, but one of the things is wanting to take out our child and get them some nice things / take them on a day out or weekend away with me.

I work full time and don't get as much time as I'd like to go and do fun things with our child (7). So to have a mummy and DC day is something I really want to do and having the opportunity to spoil them a little makes me happy.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable to give money to DC (was thinking of giving them X amount to spend whilst we are on our day / weekend trip or to buy something they really want) and not give the same to his older DC who are 11 and 13.

Fwiw, I am using some of the money to do some renovations on our house that we all live in and to put toward a family holiday for next year. I think if I want to spend a few hundred pounds on our child then it's my business?

aibu?

This right here is the problem with not having household money and rather your's and mine. A whole heap of division arises when one gets a lump sum and the other wants a say as to how it should be spent.
The household renovations and holiday are not “for the children,” they may use and attend but realistically they are of no direct benefit to them.
Realistically even two or three bio children would never have the same amounts spent on them. Having two of my own I assure you there is no spreadsheet kept to ensure this happens!!
I think you’ve missed a trick here OP, if I were in your position right now I’d be knocking the renovations (and possibly holiday) on the head and use the money to reduce your hours in work and subsidise your wage during that time. You will get to spend more time with your DC which would be far more beneficial than a day out with a budget. Also alleviates any current friction about how and when the money should be spent from DH.

I must be a shit mum, I often do things with one or another of the dc . They range from 28 down to 10 so there's often been things through the years that would be inappropriate or boring for some. Don't all parents try to spend individual time with their dc. Why isn't it acceptable if there's sc involved

YABU - I believe that when you enter into a relationship with someone who already has kids you are agreeing to enter into a relationship with them too! You state it is a decent amount of money and I’m assuming that the spending for the day out would be in the region of £100 or so, so really would it be that hard to also give that to the other 2?
For those saying that if his ex-partner came into money she wouldn’t give any to OP’s child that is completely flawed logic as she is not in anyway in a relationship with OP or her daughter so it’s completely different! Obviously it also depends on the dynamic in your relationship. If your money is separate and your partner sometime treats his older kids and not the child you have together then that could also be taken into account, but I suspect that is not the case!

So this mum can never spend time or money on her one daughter without involving her step kids? Never? That is ridiculous. The stepkids have 2 parents - and a step parent who is happy to spend money on their home and their family holiday from her inheritance. That she then can't spend a bit of money on her only child as a one-off day-out, without bringing along her stepkids too is just insane.

It would be different if she was planning a special day with her daughter and her husband. Yeah, leaving out his kids then would be a bit mean. But she is planning a day with just her and her daughter.

OP, don't overthink this. Take your daughter out for the day. Spend the time. If you want to say "granny/grandad/whoever left the money" made this possible do. Do it on a day your step kids aren't with you.

Exactly. I spent time 1-2-1 with each of my children.

My inital reaction is that YANBU. I don't understand the comparisons with the bio mum and her not treating the OP child though. There is no reason she'd even necessarily have met them!

Do you normally combine all finances/is DH the breadwinner? Because maybe then he sees it as your joint money. And if it were then I could understand his point. (But as he is saying you should gift it then I'm assuming that isn't the case.)

I'm not sure if it's because I've known dsc since she was 3 and she's now an adult with a family of her own so it's been such a long time, but we just think of ourselves as having 4 children (3 dc together).
That being said, we've always had separate days out/treats for each of the kids to try to give them one on one time.
Our youngest is the only one under 18 now so he probably gets more than the others but it's evened out over the years.
We have mirror wills. Everything to the spouse and then eventually everything 4 ways.
My dc aren't part of dsd's mum's family (although she's very kind to them) so of course, they wouldn't inherit from her side, but dsd is part of my family. She considers my siblings her aunts and uncles and my parents her grandparents.
That's just the way it is and my dc wouldn't feel any hurt by not receiving from dsd's mum's side but dsd would be hurt to not be treated in the equal way she always has been in my family.
I do appreciate that we are lucky to have the dynamic we have and not everyone step family is the same.

The inheritance is your money. It doesn’t belong to DH or DC and certainly not to DSC. Do with it as you please.