Who is being unreasonable me or DH? Shared children and stepchildren issue

[GarlicOnEverything]

I have recently inherited some money, not a ridiculously massive amount but a decent amount.

There are a few things I'd like to do it, inc saving some, but one of the things is wanting to take out our child and get them some nice things / take them on a day out or weekend away with me.

I work full time and don't get as much time as I'd like to go and do fun things with our child (7). So to have a mummy and DC day is something I really want to do and having the opportunity to spoil them a little makes me happy.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable to give money to DC (was thinking of giving them X amount to spend whilst we are on our day / weekend trip or to buy something they really want) and not give the same to his older DC who are 11 and 13.

Fwiw, I am using some of the money to do some renovations on our house that we all live in and to put toward a family holiday for next year. I think if I want to spend a few hundred pounds on our child then it's my business?

aibu?

Have people missed she’s already paying for everyone to go on a holiday? She’s not swanning off to Disney with her child leaving her step kids eating old bread under the stairs. The hyperbole is ridiculous.

As usual, some posters seem to think "equal" means one set of children having 3 (or potentially 4) adults providing for them and another set having only 2.
It's a very peculiar logic.

My stepdaughter is very much a huge part of my life, I have known her since she was 5 and she is now 13. She was 7 when her first sibling from me was born so I was her stepmother before I had biological children. Perhaps that is why I feel more strongly to them all being treated the same. I have a life insurance policy and all 4 children are named on it, I don’t care that she is not my “biological child” I have watched her grow and been a part of it. She has lived with me full time since she was 10 but even before then, I never planned anything without her. When my children got new things, so did she. If she ever walked into the house and ever questioned her worth because she is not “mine” I would truly be heartbroken. So if I ever came into any inheritance, blood or not it would be split evenly. She just so happens to be lucky enough to have 3 sides of the family, her dads, her mums, and mine. 😊 if me and her dad ever split, I would be devastated if my children were treated differently as they were “step-children”

I don't understand people being devastated that SC are treated 'differently' to biological children.
My kids are older now but if I had split from my husband when they were younger I certainly wouldn't expect the woman that got with my husband to treat my children as their own.
I would expect her to treat my children kindly and depending on the length of the relationship with my (would be ex) husband take care of their basic needs but beyond that they are my children not hers!!!
I would find it difficult enough packing my children off every weekend to see their dad without some random woman playing happy families and taking over the mothering role for 2 days.
Blending families is difficult, I just don't see the need for people to treat their SC exactly as they would their own. The SC already has two parents and so do biological children, taking your own child for a day out shouldn't be seen as a huge insult to your partners other children.

Depend on the relationship you want with your DSC and how important the feelings of your DSC are to you.

If it were me, I'd include the DSCs in the day out -something that suits all tastes. Cinema, fun meal. Or crazy golf etc and each child would get the same amount. As I'd see that we're a whole family.

Stepchildren aren't stupid. It they have a half sibling they are going to understand that while they are absolutely still an integral part of the family, just in the same way their relationship with their DM is special and important, same goes for that half sibling and their mum. Doesn't mean the step mum is being 'nasty' or always excluding them..step mums are constantly reminded not to overstep, we're not the real mum etc but it seems that even when we give birth to our own biological child, conditions are being placed on that as well. It's insulting to the intelligence of all concerned. And actually pretty callous to the bio child of stepmum.

Stepkids have two parents and they also have a bonus parent, which provided it works well, is a great village of support both material and emotional to have around them. You'd hope that if a good relationship was fostered between them and their other siblings, that they wouldn't want to see the other sibling always overlooked and living a half life when their r step sibling isn't there just because they are fortunate enough that both their parents are still together.

Honestly I'm baffled why you wouldn't just treat them to something small, £50ish It's nice to treat people you love. It doesn't have to be the same amount as your DD but if I was your husband I'd definitely feel uncomfortable with this.
Fwiw I'm a step mum to two girls also.

I have a stepchild, but also was a stepchild growing up. And I can tell you that it was awful being in the house knowing that I was not the same. 🙃 My stepmum would forever refer to me as “his daughter” to people. I wasn’t expecting to be called “her daughter” obviously but would have nice to be treated as if I wasn’t in the way. Which I was. All the time. My mother became an alcoholic and I moved in permanently with my dad and stepmother and it just spiralled from there. I would never allow my stepdaughter to feel the same as I did so she is treated the same as the rest of them, because they are all our children.
The words “I wish you weren’t here” were never used obviously, but they didn’t have to be because it was very clear that I wasn’t wanted.
my stepdaughters mother has sadly gone down the same route as my mother, and that is why she moved in with us full time with no contact with her biomum. Therefore my role is more pivotal than ever, and another reason why I make sure she always feels equal and loved the same.

I think if I want to spend a few hundred pounds on our child then it's my business?

This would also give me pause for thought as your husband.
Either you're equal parents or not, therefore what you spend on your shared child is both of your business and your husband may not want your shared child growing up thinking that they're just 'half siblings' and that it's okay to have different treatment because of that.
I don't think it's as straightforward as you do what you want with your money. Do you usually share household finances?
Honestly that kind of attitude would really make me consider if I had made a wrong decision having a step mum for my children who would think like that.

There’s a handy feature where you can read all of OP’s posts @ianthes and it’ll save you asking pointless questions.

Ooh every days a school day, thanks @AnneLovesGilbert 🥰

They are not equal parents at all. It’s a stepfamily. SMs are only considered ‘equal’ when it’s about her paying for stuff.

If she wanted to attend parents’ night at school or have one of the two school show tickets allocated per family, it will turn out that she is not the SC’s parent and she should get back in her box.

Sorry if that was to me I meant equal parents to the shared child. When OP said it's up to her what she spends on her daughter. I would (being devils advocate) say sometimes it's not only up to her... if dad doesn't want his child to be spoilt in favour of the other two.
As I said, it's not a straightforward situation, blended families rarely are!

If you've inherited thousands I wonder why you would deliberately leave the stepchildren out. It's like you're trying to make a point as giving them £50 each won't make any difference to you.

However it may make a difference to them, your husband and your child - a negative effect.

I would be looking at it from the point of view of your own child's best interests as well as those of the step children. There is no point driving a wedge between them.

Years into the the future when you and your husband are long gone, your child will still have your stepchildren as their family. That is what you should be thinking about

If my DSDs love for her (half) brothers had to be bought and paid for in advance by me specifically, I'd not want her in their lives anyway.

That's not a good reason. You are only thinking of yourself and not your child. Technically they are all your children. There's nothing to stop you doing something special with your child and giving the stepchildren something too. The older ones won't want to do the activity probably so that's ideal - give them some cash instead.

Causing bad feeling within the family is going to be much worse for your own child than anyone else - they will forget the day out in a week or 2 but the resentment caused will last a lot longer. I wouldn't do this to them .

I think it would be different if you all lived together in the same house and their mother was not around. Just do something with you and DC when the others aren't there, don't involve DH at all.

Even if they were all your kids it would be quite normal to spend one on one time with each of them from time to time.

Personally i couldnt do it. When me and my husband got together i had a daughter, he had a son. We all lived together and we said "we have 2 children". None of this, this ones mine, that ones his. We now have a baby together and all three are treated the same.

I agree. The more comparable would be if OP had a child who wasnt her husbands, how would she feel if he treated "his/their kids" but not hers.

This sounds a really reasonable compromise

Without more information it's really hard to say. I mean if the step kids visit every other weekend and don't spend much time with you or their sibling then it wouldn't seem unfair to me to only spend the money on the house and your DC. But if the step kids live with you, you see them regularly and you and DC have a good relationship with them it does seem unreasonable to expect them to be pushed aside. I think it comes down to whether you see them as family or not. Are they just someone else's kids you have to put up with now and again but have no attachment to, or do you think of them as part of your extended family and consider them older siblings of your DC? If they matter to you, even just a little, it would be appropriate to use a portion of the money on something for them (perhaps a new game, some robux or tickets to something they like?).

Causing bad feeling within the family is going to be much worse for your own child than anyone else - they will forget the day out in a week or 2 but the resentment caused will last a lot longer. I wouldn't do this to them

I think this is really overly dramatic. I don’t think they will feel any resentment in years to come because their younger sibling went out somewhere fun with his mum one day back in 2023.

Somewhere fun that they might not even like either, given the age gap.

No, but if that's all it is then why make a fuss about the inheritance? Presumably 7 year old already does things with mum when stepchildren are at their mum's house. The issue is not really the activity, it's the making a point that "my child will benefit from this and yours won't".

What will cause resentment -in both the youngest child and his mother - is this insistence that they only get to behave like a mother and child if the SC are at their mum’s house.