Who is being unreasonable me or DH? Shared children and stepchildren issue

[GarlicOnEverything]

I have recently inherited some money, not a ridiculously massive amount but a decent amount.

There are a few things I'd like to do it, inc saving some, but one of the things is wanting to take out our child and get them some nice things / take them on a day out or weekend away with me.

I work full time and don't get as much time as I'd like to go and do fun things with our child (7). So to have a mummy and DC day is something I really want to do and having the opportunity to spoil them a little makes me happy.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable to give money to DC (was thinking of giving them X amount to spend whilst we are on our day / weekend trip or to buy something they really want) and not give the same to his older DC who are 11 and 13.

Fwiw, I am using some of the money to do some renovations on our house that we all live in and to put toward a family holiday for next year. I think if I want to spend a few hundred pounds on our child then it's my business?

aibu?

I think you should have kept quiet about the money . These things never end well when it's about actual / step children .
If it was me I'd give all the children £100, take everyone for a pizza lunch and put the rest away or towards renovations

YANBU. Unless they are always left out of things you do (which it doesn't sound like)

It would be lovely if you bought them something special/ let them choose something. When my step-mums mum died, my step mum gave me about £200 to treat myself and my dc. I assume my step-siblings got a lot more. On account of it being their Nana that died. It wouldn't have occurred to me that it was anything other than lovely of my SM to give me that.

Well yes actually.

Because paternal grandparents= the father's parents.

Ops child is also her husband's child so the grandparents are the same to all three children.

I do wish people would grasp that just because children may not share two parents, if they share one parent they are are HALF and not STEP siblings. And they have the same grandparents on the blood related side FFS.

Agree with others, if they lived with you full time then it would be different. As they don’t, there’s nothing wrong with you taking your child out for a treat day when they aren’t around. My step son lives with us and considers me as a second mum, and I wouldn’t do something really special for one child and not the other (unless it was birthday etc.) though we do make it clear that sometimes one will get new things/something they want when the other doesn’t, as that’s life. They may need it or it may be something small, but it would be even overall or it would be unfair. I think paying to take you all on holiday is a great idea.

point taken in re my analogy with respect to the grandparents. But not with respect to the stepmother .

But OP and her DH’s children don’t have the same relationship that OP’s DH has with all his children. If OP and her DH divorce she has no rights/duties with respect to those children.

If there is some magical duty to the children with whom OP’s daughter shares blood (all the children) then the “no unshared treats” rule would also apply to DH’s ex wife and it doesn’t.

I don’t have step kids and prefer the model in which sll kids are treated equally but I really think OP is entitled to s close, intimate, bond with her own child snd to spend her own money on her own child. Inheritance money, too, comes under the heading of the sacred “own side of the family money” which al the posters grasp is different from family miney. They don’t think the older step kids need to share maternal family gifts or money with their paternal half sib. So why should dd share maternal line gifts/money with them?

You don’t have joint finances and you’re already paying for a whole family holiday and renovations. He’s being grabby and ridiculous. If he carries on I’d withdraw the holiday fund.

For clarity, if you are giving the money for the 7y/o to spend on a trip away with you but not the older children? If so this seems fine. If you will all be there but the older children are not given anything, then that seems weird.

I thought I'd started a thread and not remembered reading that OP, very similar circumstances here (1DC, 2DSS) We've had similar disagreements over the years.

I hope you enjoy your day out with DC. Nothing wrong with that at all imo 😁

YANBU

The DSC will hopefully be delighted that OP is spending a large chunk of her money taking them on holiday.

DH is unreasonable.

@pikkumyy77 If there is some magical duty to the children with whom OP’s daughter shares blood (all the children) then the “no unshared treats” rule would also apply to DH’s ex wife and it doesn’t.

You’re being totally disingenuous. It’s not some magical mystical shared duty. In what world is the relationship OP has with her step children the same as the relationship the DH’s ex has with OP’s child?
The ex might not have ever even met OP’s child, whereas OP lives with these children for a portion of the week and they live like a family. It’s not remotely comparable and it’s ridiculous to claim it’s the same.

Nothing wrong with that, OP.

They'll enjoy the family holiday, I'm sure.

Very grabby of your husband.

It's just the flipside of the well worn "treat them as your own" school of thought. They aren't OPs own so it's not relevant.

why would you exclude your stepchildren? its cruel. theyre kids

I would offer them all the same thing. A trip to Build-a-Bear and a milkshake afterwards.

I would make it clear to your DH however that if you're extending the treat to DSC, you expect him to come along and bond with the 11 and 13yo over personalising their bears and choosing milkshake flavours.

So should the OP never do a single thing with only her own child? Never do a trip to the cinema or bring them a chocolate bar back from the supermarket?

My DSC do plenty with their DM without my DC so why is OP BU to want to spend some 1 on 1 time with her DC?

My DSC would look at me liked I'd grown a second head if I offered to take them to build a bear these days! They are in secondary now and way "too cool" for stuff like that (or so they like to say anyway 😉

Because I would like to do something special for and with my child.

I always wonder who these grabby men are, who won’t let OPs spend money on their child without extending it to their step children.

I also think comparisons with “would the step kids mum for your kids” are unhelpful and not comparing like with like.

You can always buy your step kids a gift if you feel like it.

Who takes a 13 yo to build a bear 😅

Given that they live primarily with their DM, YANBU.
Presumably they get treats, etc from their own DM that aren't shared with your child.

Besides, it would probably be more cruel to take them to Build-a-Bear or equivalent than to leave them at home 😂. Make sure to let all their friends know about their fun day out with their little sister, OP!

In your situation, I would just say to your DH, "Our child is 7. As her mother, I'm going to do 7yo stuff with her, not teen stuff, and I'm going to spend some of my money doing this. You can do this too, and you can also spend some money doing teen stuff with DSC as their dad. I'm also happy to contribute towards us doing family stuff that everyone will enjoy, but my 7yo isn't going to miss out on doing 7yo stuff with her mum sometimes just because there are two older children in the family as well."

Well, some people seem to think all the children should be treated the same 😂.

Given that you have separate finances, your husband has a bit of a cheek.

You spending your money on a family holiday frees up him to spend his money equally between his own children.