Who is being unreasonable me or DH? Shared children and stepchildren issue

[GarlicOnEverything]

I have recently inherited some money, not a ridiculously massive amount but a decent amount.

There are a few things I'd like to do it, inc saving some, but one of the things is wanting to take out our child and get them some nice things / take them on a day out or weekend away with me.

I work full time and don't get as much time as I'd like to go and do fun things with our child (7). So to have a mummy and DC day is something I really want to do and having the opportunity to spoil them a little makes me happy.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable to give money to DC (was thinking of giving them X amount to spend whilst we are on our day / weekend trip or to buy something they really want) and not give the same to his older DC who are 11 and 13.

Fwiw, I am using some of the money to do some renovations on our house that we all live in and to put toward a family holiday for next year. I think if I want to spend a few hundred pounds on our child then it's my business?

aibu?

So OP’s DC can never do anything without them? Shall they sit on their hands the five days a week the DSC aren’t with them?

No surely not 😁. The best thing would be to start inviting them along to the park, on playdates, to see Trolls at the cinema. Whatever you and your DD are doing, OP. Maybe they would like to colour in their own Christmas snowglobes alongside your DD?

Why would OP take on this extra task of checking with the ex if the kids are free, picking them up, dropping them off, making sure they’re fed?

I assumed @Goldbar was taking the piss?

That's an absolutely ridiculous point and you know it. Her DC is absolutely nothing to do with the ex partner, her step children are her step children!

This.

Treat them equally or you'll cause division and resentment - with them, between the siblings and in your relationship.

As this is MN the only acceptable step monster behaviour would be to give the step kids double what you give your kid. Because it’s not their fault their parents split up ( it’s probably yours! ) blah blah.

but I absolutely agree, you spend on your kid and you don’t need to share at all, don’t feel guilty!

Consider putting 50pounds aside and buy the step kids a hoodie each (or similar item you know will go down well). Involve your child in choosing them, but plan it in advance so it doesn’t take up too much thought during your day out, but do buy them on the trip with your kid.
Everyone will be happy. Your husband will be placated, your step kids get a hoodie each, your child gets to give a gift to their big siblings, you get to take your child on a lovely shopping trip.
You’ll get 50 pounds less to spend on your trip, but continued family harmony.

@Bobbybobbins
Yanbu but I would maybe give them £50 each so they feel included.
Included? OPs finances are none of DSC business whatsoever, no need for them to know anything.

😂

Sorry couldn't help it.

As a former SC and a SM I think it is ridiculous that OP is expecting to do exactly the same for all 3 children. Apart from the fact 2 of them aren't hers, they are different ages.

The OP should be careful doing that as the older one may start randomly agree to do such activities. Teenagers are weird.

To add, MN like to tell SMs to obey, serve and never speak to DSC or have any say in their behaviour but got forbid they don't share every penny or experience with them even to the detriment of their own child.

No.

They aren't her children, they are already being taken on holiday and the OP keeps finances separate from her husband.

In addition if they were full siblings due to the age difference they wouldn't expect the same amount of money to be spent on them at the same time for no reason. They would expect to have money spent on things they needed or their hobbies as required.

Oh sorry! It’s so hard to tell sometimes 🤣

the money is a red herring. Surely you do activities with your kids when the step-kids aren’t there and surely you do different age appropriate activities with the children. Don’t mention the money- you are just having a lovely day out with your kids, no more, no less.

I wouldn't marry a man with young children unless I was prepared to treat the children as family.

YANBU op, finances are separate, the step children have their own mother to treat them or their father if he is so inclined, I would personally gift them £50 each but have a special day with your DD when they are not visiting.

I'd be less than impressed with your DH, why does he feel intitled to expect a say in how you spend your inheritance?
I'd look into Ring fencing the amount you spend on the house so it is protected if you divorce.

Cheeky fucker.

That's fine, they have their mum to treat them too. If you gave them money they have 3 adults treating them, making them then better off than your DC, so that also wouldn't be fair.

Problem with step families is that everyone expects them to work like a traditional intact family and they aren’t. OP you are already paying for them to go on holiday, don’t feel guilty for spoiling your child.

You can justify your decision as much as you want. Taking your own dc on a trio out is fine. Giving a 7 year old more than a fiver or so spending money is a bit much. Excluding your stepchildren is plain mean.
Let’s not pretend that you’re dining renovations on the house for their benefit. I would give all 3 children the same amount each to spend on what they like. Actually, I’d probably give the older 2 a bit more! Don’t be mean!!!

@Soontobe60 don't be ridiculous 😂

Nah you're fine op

Actually, I’d probably give the older 2 a bit more!

haha. This comment doesn’t shock me on MN.

Give your stepchildren more. But if you give your own kid more then it’s plain mean. Sounds about right.

Who is to say she isn't treating them like family? She just isn't treating them like they are her children.

Because they aren't.

I think comparisons with the stepchildren mother are not helpful. Their mother is not a step parent to OP's child.

I suppose it depends on the relationship between you and your stepchildren. If they are children you have a part in raising and who live with you they should be treated equally.

If they are children that you have nothing to do with beyond the occasional visit it is perhaps different.

It also depends whether you and your husband have separate or joint finances. If you generally consider all money family money this should be the same. If you keep separate finances itnis ultimately up to you what you with it.