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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable me or DH? Shared children and stepchildren issue

183 replies

GarlicOnEverything · 27/10/2023 10:07

I have recently inherited some money, not a ridiculously massive amount but a decent amount.

There are a few things I'd like to do it, inc saving some, but one of the things is wanting to take out our child and get them some nice things / take them on a day out or weekend away with me.

I work full time and don't get as much time as I'd like to go and do fun things with our child (7). So to have a mummy and DC day is something I really want to do and having the opportunity to spoil them a little makes me happy.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable to give money to DC (was thinking of giving them X amount to spend whilst we are on our day / weekend trip or to buy something they really want) and not give the same to his older DC who are 11 and 13.

Fwiw, I am using some of the money to do some renovations on our house that we all live in and to put toward a family holiday for next year. I think if I want to spend a few hundred pounds on our child then it's my business?

aibu?

OP posts:
Iwasafool · 27/10/2023 10:55

Flamingogirl08 · 27/10/2023 10:46

Totally agree! It makes absolutely no sense at all.

Show quote history

I always feel that comment is wrong but couldn't quite explain why but that's it isn't it.

BoohooWoohoo · 27/10/2023 10:56

Yanbu
The step children are still benefitting from the inheritance - lucky them.

Ibravedaflood · 27/10/2023 10:57

Simply put surely it would be unfair for op's biological dc to only have money spent on them via 2 parents and ds via 3 (if op is to treat them also)?

Birch101 · 27/10/2023 11:08

Could you argue that it depends on how you view money... is it family money ....
E.g. you inherit 10k if it's family money then state you both you and your husband will have half, 5k each on the provision that each of you put 4k towards holidays/house/bills etc
That would leave 1k fun money to spend how you each wish, if he would like to treat his kids equally (which he should) then brilliant you will have a fun family days out of his choosing and leave it with him to pay, if you wish to put your fun money towards solo dc days out then that's fine too.

WeWereInParis · 27/10/2023 11:30

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Depending on amounts I think it might be nice to bring them back a little treat from your day out, if you wanted.

But in general I don't think the reasoning that some people have given of "well if their mum came into some money, she wouldn't give some to your child" is remotely relevant. The relationship between a step parent and step child is not at all the same as the relationship between someone and their ex-partner's new child. What his ex would/would not do for your child is not comparable at all so I don't know why it would be brought into this.

Beamur · 27/10/2023 11:38

I have a DD and 2 adult SC.
I wouldn't have thought twice about taking DD away and buying stuff for her without including the SC. DH similarly. Sometimes he will do things/but things as kids need/want them. All 3 kids. We don't feel the need to keep a tally or even things up.
SC have received large sums of money over the last few years from their Mum's side of the family. Do they feel the need to share that with DD? Of course not. Do I feel aggrieved (no) does DH demand DD has a share? (Also no). Has it made a jot of difference between the kids? No.
DD will potentially inherit more from DH and I as I will ring fence my assets and his will be shared 3 ways.

Original poster
GarlicOnEverything · 27/10/2023 11:47

Birch101 · 27/10/2023 11:08

Could you argue that it depends on how you view money... is it family money ....
E.g. you inherit 10k if it's family money then state you both you and your husband will have half, 5k each on the provision that each of you put 4k towards holidays/house/bills etc
That would leave 1k fun money to spend how you each wish, if he would like to treat his kids equally (which he should) then brilliant you will have a fun family days out of his choosing and leave it with him to pay, if you wish to put your fun money towards solo dc days out then that's fine too.

Yeah we don't tend to do the everything is family money thing. I know that's pretty frowned upon here but we have always had completely separate finances. So I wouldn't be giving him half the inheritance to do as he pleases with in the same way I'd never expect half of anything he received.

OP posts:
coconutpie · 27/10/2023 11:54

Your DH is being completely unreasonable! There is no way you should be giving the same to your step DC.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 27/10/2023 11:57

I don't think you ABU because presumably their mum does things like take them out etc: that has nothing to do with you and DH? Why should your DC always have to share everything with them when presumably DSC get 2 of everything already? Surely they would understand that in the same way they do stuff with their mum, sometimes you want to do something with you two.

I agree I wouldn't do it in front of DS children in a way that makes it obvious/divisive and if you want to give them something too , that's a nice thing to do but I don't think you're doing anything wrong treating your DC without including SC on this occasion. I do wonder if sometimes everyone's obsession with treating stepchildren as equal in everything sometimes means that shared children (who didn't ask for this) can sometimes draw the short straw in other ways. It's equality vs. equity again.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 27/10/2023 12:01

Wishimaywishimight · 27/10/2023 10:09

Sounds completely reasonable to me.

If his ex-wife/partner came into money and was treating their children, would he expect yours to be treated too? I doubt it.

This

Nanny0gg · 27/10/2023 12:04

Annasgirl · 27/10/2023 10:34

YANBU - of course you should spend some on just your DC. And you are treating his children to a holiday!! Imagine that their mum inherited money - would she be spending any on your child?

It is an inheritance from your family- they will gain from inheritance from their own mums family.
as usual you have a DH problem.

Not quite the right argument.

The OP's child does not have a relationship with the father's ex.

However it would be a nice gesture to give her stepchildren something. I agree with the £50 each.

Nanny0gg · 27/10/2023 12:05

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 27/10/2023 12:01

This

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The OPs child doesn't have a relationship with her!

Paperbagsaremine · 27/10/2023 12:09

Ok, I was a stepchild, lived with my Mum but regularly stayed with my Dad, stepmum and half sister.
If my stepmum had inherited something from, I dunno, her great aunt, and taken my sister out for a fun day or bought her something while I was away, I wouldn't have thought anything of it - I had my own set of relatives too!

CanvaQueen · 27/10/2023 12:36

Presumably you’ve got this inheritance because someone related to you and your DC has died. SC are old enough to realise that doesn’t concern them. Your husband is being an idiot.

AmazingSnakeHead · 27/10/2023 12:37

Fine to do, but do it sensitively. So give her the money when the step kids are not there. Don't keep it a secret but don't make a big song and dance about it. Just say you are taking your own DC away.

ElevenSeven · 27/10/2023 12:38

Yanbu; your money, your child.

There will be things that they get that your DC doesn’t; this is life.

Gymnopedie · 27/10/2023 12:38

Does your DH treat all of his three children equally? Or does he do the Disney dad thing and they get a lot while you pick up the pieces for your shared child?

OhComeOnFFS · 27/10/2023 12:39

I agree you should do it sensitively and perhaps give each of the step children some spending money or buy them a treat. I don't think you should have to treat them the same as your own child, though that would be different if their mum had died, say, and they lived with you all the time.

cordelia16 · 27/10/2023 12:40

Coffeerum · 27/10/2023 10:41

@Annasgirl Imagine that their mum inherited money - would she be spending any on your child?

To be fair I hate this comment, it isn't comparable at all. The DH's ex wife isn't step mum to OP's child, they have no relationship however OP lives with these children as a family for a portion of the week.
What would their mum do is just a stupid comment that has no relevance.

thank you! I always feel like I'm missing something when ppl post this comparison, wondering why the ex-wife would ever do anything for her ex's new child (except, I guess, in that the ex's child is her children's step-sibling). But it's not a direct comparison at all.

Namechange4234 · 27/10/2023 12:42

I think give the SC £50 each as a gift. But don't take them on the day out as that's a special day for you and YOUR child

Macaroni46 · 27/10/2023 12:47

Bobbybobbins · 27/10/2023 10:19

Yanbu but I would maybe give them £50 each so they feel included.

This seems the perfect compromise and is what I would do.

pikkumyy77 · 27/10/2023 12:49

I don’t think the comparison is inapt at all. If DSC’s paternal grandparents gift money to dh for their education but none to OP’s DD is everyone going to insist this is unfair?

Just arrange for the treat when the dsc aren’t there. You and your dd have a special ond you don’t have to water it down.

crumblingschools · 27/10/2023 12:54

Who will the holiday be for? I would possibly give a token amount to SC

Flying724 · 27/10/2023 13:05

I would give them a token and ask their dad to plan something for them but you want to have a day out with your DD. If the kids ask just say they are older and DD doesn't enjoy the same thing as them. I am sure they will understand if they don't view you as a wicked witch who is always mean ro them. I assume you have a fine relationship with them.

Tlolljs · 27/10/2023 13:06

I think it depends on how much it is. Sounds like a fair whack and step kids are getting a holiday out of it. Home improvements will benefit them but are not quite the same.
Good suggestions op take your child on this day out and treat them to clothes toys etc but give the older ones a treat too.
Whatever they’re into new video game, football ball boots, horse riding hat. But a treat for them too.