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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable me or DH? Shared children and stepchildren issue

183 replies

GarlicOnEverything · 27/10/2023 10:07

I have recently inherited some money, not a ridiculously massive amount but a decent amount.

There are a few things I'd like to do it, inc saving some, but one of the things is wanting to take out our child and get them some nice things / take them on a day out or weekend away with me.

I work full time and don't get as much time as I'd like to go and do fun things with our child (7). So to have a mummy and DC day is something I really want to do and having the opportunity to spoil them a little makes me happy.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable to give money to DC (was thinking of giving them X amount to spend whilst we are on our day / weekend trip or to buy something they really want) and not give the same to his older DC who are 11 and 13.

Fwiw, I am using some of the money to do some renovations on our house that we all live in and to put toward a family holiday for next year. I think if I want to spend a few hundred pounds on our child then it's my business?

aibu?

OP posts:
RedPinkPeach · 29/10/2023 10:14

If DH leaves you

You’ll be better placed to cope alone financially having not given your money out to people who have no obligation towards you.

Shelby2010 · 29/10/2023 10:24

IncomingTraffic · 29/10/2023 07:23

Why should the OP’s inheritance be all about her husband like this?

Show quote history

It depends whether income is ‘family money’ or they have everything separate and divied up.

For example if either myself of DH gets a bonus from work, it goes into the pot. I would be very upset if he turned round and said that he was keeping it for himself. I don’t see an inheritance as different to this.

It also depends on how financially comfortable the OP is normally. If some money is spent on giving the DC quality time with their parent, then the OP’s DC will still get 2 treats to the DSC one.

However the point I was really making was; does DH want the opportunity to give up 3 days/afternoons to spend individual time with each child, or does he just want to give them cash without any cost or effort to himself?

Firebug007 · 29/10/2023 11:18

Absolutely not, it's your money and you should use it on your children. Your SC have 2 parents to provide for them and you're not one of them. Tell him when his ex partner contributes to your child you'll consider it 🤷‍♀️

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/10/2023 11:48

"... we have always had completely separate finances."

Separate finances means exactly that - separate!

The money is inheritance, from your family - which is also your DC's family, so it makes sense for them to benefit too. It is not from your DH's family, nor from your SDCs' mother's family.

"DH thinks I'm being unreasonable to give money to DC (was thinking of giving them X amount to spend whilst we are on our day / weekend trip or to buy something they really want) and not give the same to his older DC who are 11 and 13."

I think he is being unreasonable. You want to take your child away for the weekend; essentially you are treating yourself here, as well as your child. If he wishes that his three children should all be given the same all the time, he could use his separate finances to make it so. Does he insist that his elder children's mother spend as much on your child as she does on her own two? No, didn't think so. And that's the point I'd be making to him.

Phiface77 · 29/10/2023 12:26

It sounds fine to me. All children need to learn that life isnt always fair. You win some you lose some. What I would do is make it clear that the treat was from Grandmas (or whoever) money. Presumably the person that left the money has no link with your husbands older children. At some stage they too might inherit money or get some sort of treat from their mums side.

Creamteasandbumblebees · 29/10/2023 12:33

I'd be devastated if my husband prioritised our bio daughter like this and left out my eldest daughter. Fortunately he has always treated them exactly the same. I think you are being unreasonable.
How would you feel if your husband splurged lots of money on the children from his first marriage but left your child out?

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/10/2023 12:36

Creamteasandbumblebees · 29/10/2023 12:33

I'd be devastated if my husband prioritised our bio daughter like this and left out my eldest daughter. Fortunately he has always treated them exactly the same. I think you are being unreasonable.
How would you feel if your husband splurged lots of money on the children from his first marriage but left your child out?

She’d be angry. Because they're all his children. Obviously 🙄

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/10/2023 12:53

Spend all the money on the kids op

you don’t need treats you’re a grown up, and a MOTHER! So none for you.

according to some people here anyway…

SecondUsername4me · 29/10/2023 13:04

Creamteasandbumblebees · 29/10/2023 12:33

I'd be devastated if my husband prioritised our bio daughter like this and left out my eldest daughter. Fortunately he has always treated them exactly the same. I think you are being unreasonable.
How would you feel if your husband splurged lots of money on the children from his first marriage but left your child out?

This is a moot point as all three of the children are his.

Creamteasandbumblebees · 29/10/2023 13:09

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/10/2023 12:36

She’d be angry. Because they're all his children. Obviously 🙄

Show quote history

It shouldn't make a difference. If you are marrying someone who already has children then all of the children should be treated equally. By doing this she's sending a clear message that she's prioritising her own child over her step children. I don't think that's kind or fair and if it continues it will ultimately cause resentment between OPs own child and her step siblings. I can see why her husband is upset by this.

Backagain23 · 29/10/2023 13:48

Creamteasandbumblebees · 29/10/2023 13:09

It shouldn't make a difference. If you are marrying someone who already has children then all of the children should be treated equally. By doing this she's sending a clear message that she's prioritising her own child over her step children. I don't think that's kind or fair and if it continues it will ultimately cause resentment between OPs own child and her step siblings. I can see why her husband is upset by this.

Show quote history

Do you know what's not kind or fair and likely to cause resentment?
Making OPs child grow up without knowing their relationship with their own mother is special and unique.
Making OPs child grow up thinking their older siblings are extra special to everyone because their parents split up.
Making OP and/or the DSC carry on some charade of being mother/child.
What do you mean "it's unreasonable to expect a child to place anyone as equal to their own mother"? OP is family after all...
Well, that's awkward...

Passepartoute · 29/10/2023 14:43

Creamteasandbumblebees · 29/10/2023 13:09

It shouldn't make a difference. If you are marrying someone who already has children then all of the children should be treated equally. By doing this she's sending a clear message that she's prioritising her own child over her step children. I don't think that's kind or fair and if it continues it will ultimately cause resentment between OPs own child and her step siblings. I can see why her husband is upset by this.

Show quote history

How can you treat them equally when two of them are not in the house five days a week? Is the third supposed to live a monastic life all that time in case they should get something they enjoy when the others aren't there to enjoy it also?

Even with non-step siblings it isn't at all unusual to take different children to different events - DD and I are very happy to do our own thing whilst her brothers go to football, for instance, and when she was smaller her brothers certainly didn't want to go to places like Peppa Pig world with her. So if OP is taking her child out on her own, her husband can take the older ones out.

funinthesun19 · 29/10/2023 15:03

“If DH leaves you…”

Well I think some stepmums would really quite welcome the thought. At least they’ll be able to be a mum without silly unreasonable conditions attached.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 29/10/2023 15:57

I think you can definitely do something with/for your child without making a big fuss about not spending equally on the stepchildren. It might be harsh to plan the day out on when they will be at your house unless your DH does something with them

JMuldoon79 · 29/10/2023 17:04

It’s easy to resolve just treat them to something. I think it’s wrong if you’re married to decide it’s your money and it’s you who decides, in a marriage it would be joint and where you have children from his other relationship it’s not fair to just treat one child. Personally I think there’s more to it and you’re doing it as a form of control.

Santibbz · 29/10/2023 17:12

I don’t understand the stance of “their mum would not give your child something” of course not. Your child has nothing to do with your SC mum?? It makes no sense to compare the two things? Surely the same comparison would be, if the bio-mums husband/boyfriend came into money, would he be expected to give money to his own children if he has any plus the 11 and 13 year old of his wives?
Would your husband be annoyed if his children were left out in that sense too?
I have 3 of my own children plus 1 stepchild. I would never dream of treating them any differently. Imagine how the stepchildren would feel? It’s awful to do that to children.

Sherm24 · 29/10/2023 17:30

I have a ‘blended’ family, 23
yrs, youngest child being 18 mths, eldest 3 yrs , when we got together, we also have a child together, 7/8 yrs between the other 2. He treats them all the same, inheritance, salary, treats etc. there is no, one without the other, and for that, my husband will be, a great parent. I don’t know what’s it’s like to be a step parent, so can’t comment on that, I just know about my family, and DH has always treated them all the same ❤️

SecondUsername4me · 29/10/2023 17:35

If you are marrying someone who already has children then all of the children should be treated equally

How does this work when the children only live there part of the time? Should the OP and her child just never go and do anything or buy anything or whatever just because the step kids aren't there thay day?

funinthesun19 · 29/10/2023 17:39

I don’t understand the stance of “their mum would not give your child something” of course not. Your child has nothing to do with your SC mum?? It makes no sense to compare the two things?

I think this comparison does hold some weight when you think both women are only mums towards their own. OP should be able to go out and buy her child a new coat just as much as the stepchildren’s mum should be able to, without thinking about each other’s child.

It’s the DAD who should think about both. OP should be able to treat her child to something with her own money just as much the stepchildren’s mum will treat them - without thinking about anyone else.

Fraggeek · 29/10/2023 17:39

Personally I couldn't leave my stepson out. I'd want to do something with my own children but also something as a family. Yes a holiday is doing just that but I mean a similar activity to what I do with my children, for us all that my stepson would feel just as included in.

This year we went on a large family holiday, paid for by my family. My stepson wasn't included. We didn't have the funds to pay the extra this time around. When we spoke about it, we made it clear that as we'll be in a better financial position, we'll all go and he will be with us.

Yes I want that time alone with my children to enjoy things but I would feel awful knowing a child is missing out and the thoughts and feelings they'd have around that.

ArborealArdour · 29/10/2023 18:22

Fraggeek · 29/10/2023 17:39

Personally I couldn't leave my stepson out. I'd want to do something with my own children but also something as a family. Yes a holiday is doing just that but I mean a similar activity to what I do with my children, for us all that my stepson would feel just as included in.

This year we went on a large family holiday, paid for by my family. My stepson wasn't included. We didn't have the funds to pay the extra this time around. When we spoke about it, we made it clear that as we'll be in a better financial position, we'll all go and he will be with us.

Yes I want that time alone with my children to enjoy things but I would feel awful knowing a child is missing out and the thoughts and feelings they'd have around that.

Read the OP carefully.

DH and OP are in agreement that OP can go somewhere with her own child. So that's fine. The issue isn't the trip, but the X amount OP is giving her child to spend, on the trip.

Why would the SC have any 'thoughts and feelings' about this. Seeing as they won't know about it anyway. How are they missing out here?

Btw they are ALREADY going on a family holiday so your example is totally irrelevant. Furthermore, OP's son is 7, they're tweens. I highly doubt that they'd have strong feelings of missing out on a weekend of primary school kid activities.

Sundownmemories · 29/10/2023 21:00

Probably not the answer you want but if you are married and all your household money is shared then I think your stepchildren should be treated equally to your biological child. Blended families are never black and white but I think money can really complicate things and cause problems. Make everyone equal and it simplifies things.
My stepdad raised me as his own and there was no separate money despite having 3 of his own children from a previous marriage who never stayed with us as they were adults.
When my grandma (my mum’s mum) passed away my mum shared her inheritance between me and my 3 stepsisters equally. My stepsisters were not related to my grandma but my mum married their dad so we are family.
There’s nothing wrong with having a nice day out with your daughter. You can do that whether you inherit money or not and I’m sure your husband would never begrudge that. The problems begin when you start saying you’re going to treat her to something the other children aren’t getting.

ArborealArdour · 29/10/2023 21:02

Sundownmemories · 29/10/2023 21:00

Probably not the answer you want but if you are married and all your household money is shared then I think your stepchildren should be treated equally to your biological child. Blended families are never black and white but I think money can really complicate things and cause problems. Make everyone equal and it simplifies things.
My stepdad raised me as his own and there was no separate money despite having 3 of his own children from a previous marriage who never stayed with us as they were adults.
When my grandma (my mum’s mum) passed away my mum shared her inheritance between me and my 3 stepsisters equally. My stepsisters were not related to my grandma but my mum married their dad so we are family.
There’s nothing wrong with having a nice day out with your daughter. You can do that whether you inherit money or not and I’m sure your husband would never begrudge that. The problems begin when you start saying you’re going to treat her to something the other children aren’t getting.

The OP has already stated that they have separate finances!

gotomomo · 29/10/2023 21:06

Do people not understand that marrying means sharing these days? Honestly I couldn't come into money and buy things for my dd and not dsd

sugarsherbet · 29/10/2023 21:21

This is a tough one, my step father came into money after selling a asset that had nothing to do with my mum but split the money equally between me and his own children. I think you should give them something so they feel included.