Who is being unreasonable me or DH? Shared children and stepchildren issue

[GarlicOnEverything]

I have recently inherited some money, not a ridiculously massive amount but a decent amount.

There are a few things I'd like to do it, inc saving some, but one of the things is wanting to take out our child and get them some nice things / take them on a day out or weekend away with me.

I work full time and don't get as much time as I'd like to go and do fun things with our child (7). So to have a mummy and DC day is something I really want to do and having the opportunity to spoil them a little makes me happy.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable to give money to DC (was thinking of giving them X amount to spend whilst we are on our day / weekend trip or to buy something they really want) and not give the same to his older DC who are 11 and 13.

Fwiw, I am using some of the money to do some renovations on our house that we all live in and to put toward a family holiday for next year. I think if I want to spend a few hundred pounds on our child then it's my business?

aibu?

I'd get cinema & dinner for DH & his older 2 so they can have a treat out together when you're away with DC. I wouldn't feel obligated to though.

No worries 😁. I just find the idea of a teen and pre-teen willingly crashing a 7yo's activities and treats quite funny.

Though I did meet a delightful young man of 12 recently who was more than happy to make paper airplanes with my 5yo for a bit so I guess there are some out there who would happily join in.

I think the point is that while of course the sc's mum doesn't owe their ex's new kids anything, to expect the new child ALWAYS have to share everything from their mum with step siblings is unfair on shared child, who equally didn't ask for any of this. If stepkids were always/excluded or overlooked that would be wrong, but it doesn't sound like the case in this situation. In the same way stepkid's mum doesn't have to justify doing something special with her kids, OP should be able to do special stuff with shared kid from time to time. I don't understand how people can't gasp this 🤷‍♀️

I'm at SM and BM, my husband would never expect me to give his children inheritance money from my side if the family, our own house won't be split evenly as I actually own 30% more as my mum gifted me the house deposit as part of early inheritance so my part would be split between our 2 children and his between ours and his other children.....his children will also be provided for by their mum and her family

The sense of entitlement from parents is absolutely staggering. Because you’re in a relationship with someone you suddenly become indebted to them and their kids? How is that in anyway acceptable?

If your DH wanted everything “fair” and clear cut he should have stayed with their Mum.

On what planet do you need to justify how you spend your money, as an adult, to kids?

Oh that’s right step parent planet.

It’s not their business how OP spends her money or what pot it goes in.

Reading so many of the replies (which do not match the poll!), it’s obvious that a portion of MNers are totally in support of these grabby men.

It really is the stay in your lane SM, but make sure you pay for everyone school of thought.

The SC have two parents. The OP’s child has two parents. Only one if those parents overlaps. Of course the OP should be able to spend her time and money on her own child.

So now OP's money is supposed to go to her DH doing an activity ONLY with the dsc and excluding their own shared child. This site is mental.

A fiver? A sodding fiver? Have you been to any shops recently and seen what you can buy with a fiver these days?
Being a SM is a thankless task, literally damned if you do and damned if you don't!
Of course OP should be able to take her own child on a trip and spend some money on them, she isn't being cruel to the SC by parenting her own child. She is spending (probably an awful lot of money) taking the SC on holiday.....if the husband keeps pushing about the shopping trip I would cancel the holiday but I'm an arsehole like that🤷‍♀️

Your dh is bu.
You don’t need his permission to treat your dc anyway. MN often has posters who get upset at any difference between stepchildren but your natural feelings of wanting to do something nice for your child is no different to your dh wanting his children to do something nice too. But by nature they are not your children, it doesn’t mean you don’t care. You care but brutally, your child comes first to you. And I suspect that is what hurts him even though he probably knows it already. You have said it. It is there an act of preference. I’m not saying you’re bu. Not at all. I think it’s the reality that he is struggling with.

If DH thinks the DSC should also be treated, then that’s not unreasonable. But not in the way of handing them cash. Extra money could be used to ensure DH can afford to take each of his 3 children out for a treat individually to spend one on one time with them.

Would he want to do this? I get the feeling that he is more concerned about the cash you are planning to give DC.

Wow the previous poster is totally a grown up stepchild … bitter much, what a ridiculous statement! Step children have two parents who went their separate ways. That is not the fault of the next wife/partner and doesn’t mean subsequent children have to share every crumb, moment and smile with their half siblings.

I genuinely think that on MN some posters think that only children from a first marriage/relationship are real children. These children must be compensated at all times and by everyone around them for their parents splitting up.

‘second family’ children should just be grateful that daddy exists under the same roof as them (but should not expect him to pay attention to them as that might not entirely centre the SC) and should not be allowed a proper relationship with their mother. No their mother, like everyone else, should only be focused around what makes their father feel least guilty about leaving his earlier relationship.

Why should the OP’s inheritance be all about her husband like this?

Op, look at the poll, 90%+ say yanbu.
Ignore the usual - how cruel to leave out stepkids bs. I bet your stepkids get lots from their mum that you DC doesn’t get. They probably won’t even know, never mind care, if you do something with your child.

To be fair I hate this comment, it isn't comparable at all. The DH's ex wife isn't step mum to OP's child, they have no relationship however OP lives with these children as a family for a portion of the week.
What would their mum do is just a stupid comment that has no relevance
In a tit for tat way "what would their mum do" is irrelevant, but in the sense that each child has a mother and a father, who are responsible for their children it is relevant.

The OP's child has OP and their father.
The step children have their father and their mother.

Why should one group of children expect to have family inheritance shared with them from 3 parents, but one child only gets things from their parents (which is partially reduced because money is directed to other people's children)?

Treating fairly and treating the same are different.

It's part of the reason I'd be very wary of dating a man with children under 18 if I were to be single again. I'd not want to be in a position where my children had to lose out so that other children can get stuff from 3 lots of extended family

Take your dd and have a great time.

SC get to do something with their dm if she wants to. Maybe go away a weekend when you don't have the sc?

I would also make a point of taking all 3 kids out and letting them choose a new top or something for their room if you prefer to show they matter. However that said please don't not take your dd away- it might be the only opportunity you get to do this.

In their dads eyes they are equal which is true but they also have a mum who isn't you. Paying toward their holiday is good too.

If they had no dm around it would be different.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but so far as I’m concerned, you are either a family, or you are not. And children in a family should get treated equally. I couldn’t do it personally. I COULD take one child away to spend one to one time with them - I’ve done it frequently with my own, but that is always balanced out with something else for the others.

Your DC will never catch up with how much their older siblings have had spent on them.

Go enjoy your day/weekend.

Ask him whether he proposes to reciprocate on exactly equal terms with your child every time the stepchildren get a treat from their mother or her family. Unless he does, he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Family means different things and takes different forms, so it’s never going to be all or nothing.

Dh? That makes you a step mother I'd do alot less but I'd do something just so resentment and jealousy isn't built up. Maybe a restaurant trip or some online vouchers and a pizza night.

I actually think this is really sad. It isn’t a black and white thing here - do the SC live with you for most or all of the week? Are they going to see you spending all this money on their sibling and not them?
I think you are forgetting that your DH has 3 children who he loves equally - just as he should.
you are a step mum to his lovely 2 children yet you are the one stipulating “not my kids” what a lovely way to make CHILDREN feel loved and welcome. (Wicked stepmother vibes coming from OP here).
of course your DH is going to feel like you should spend money on his children too, as all 3 of them are HIS CHILDREN. They are in your family unit so I don’t see why you couldn’t treat them too. Even if you feel your child is superior & deserves more.

I’m sure you’d be the first to moan if your DH comes into some money and spends more on his older 2 children to make up for you spending more on the youngest. As you are now in a family unit (by your own choice, might I add) you should be treating all the children the same. Otherwise your step children will be sure to resent you & their younger sibling as they grow up.

Also if you and DH split up in the future - what a lovely environment you’d have created for your own DC to be in.

Theres lots of talk about your SC’s mum (your DH ex) and would she spend money on your child - well she isn’t your child’s step mum!!! So why would or should she? Your child doesn’t ever live with her and isn’t in her family unit - so why on earth would your DH ex treat your child!?? Bonkers talk.

of course your DH is going to feel like you should spend money on his children too, as all 3 of them are HIS CHILDREN.

Why should the OP decide how his wife spends her inheritance? It’s not his money.

I’m sure you’d be the first to moan if your DH comes into some money and spends more on his older 2 children to make up for you spending more on the youngest.

All three are his children. He shouldn’t be using his money unevenly to play favourites or compensate his older children for having split up with their mother. Of course the OP should be angry if their child’s father is treating his youngest like a second class citizen so he can ‘make up’ for her being a mother to her child.

I imagine you think you are being child centred, but actually you are being man-centred here. It’s all about what the husband wants and feels.

Ridiculous. The SC know the OP is not their mother. They should be totally fine with their half sibling getting to do stuff with the OP (the child’s mother). They know they do stuff with their mother too. What matters to them is that their father treats his three children fairly - although in these situations what often happens is that the resident child gets ignored and left out while dad fawns over their half siblings during contact.

But people on MN think that’s not just fair but good and desirable. 🙄

It’s also worth highlighting that the ‘if your DH leaves you’ argument also doesn’t add up.

In that situation the OP actually gets to concentrate her time, effort and money on her own child. She doesn’t have to live with someone who is curtailing what she can do with her child because he has older children.

Turns out, in quite a lot of these situations, SMs realise they’re better off not always having to defer to and live their lives around their husband’s divorced dad guilt.

And maybe their child can now actually benefit from some of the divorced dad guilt themself - rather than always being made to wait for the SC to do anything fun, or ignored during contact so dad can concentrate on his other children.

This isn’t really the ‘you just watch’ moment MNers seem to think it is.