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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to decline a family event because of dogs?

370 replies

MrsPatrickDempsey · 27/10/2023 08:48

A tricky situation has arisen. Within DH large family there is a significant event next year where it has been agreed that everyone will meet and stay together in a house for the weekend. This is booked and is a considerable distance from us in the middle of nowhere so nowhere else near.
There will be 4 dogs joining us. I am severely allergic and they are a significant trigger of my asthma. Family know this.
DH thinks we should ask for the dogs to be kept outside. I think this isn't fair to the dog owners as I am the minority and I think it will cause bad feeling.
What's the solution here? Travelling just for the day isn't an option and staying elsewhere defeats the point of the trip.

OP posts:
AnaisMae · 27/10/2023 08:54

I assume the significant event is away from the house without the dogs? I'd stay elsewhere and still attend the event, whether it defets the object or not.

The dogs shouldn't be there if someone has a severe allergy though.

BorisIsACuntWaffle · 27/10/2023 08:55

Yanbu

BorisIsACuntWaffle · 27/10/2023 08:56

Yanbu to decline or sleep elsewhere. I'm the same and couldn't last more than an hour or two where dogs are

W0tnow · 27/10/2023 08:56

In the minority? They’re dogs! Humans trump dogs.

MintJulia · 27/10/2023 08:57

The easiest thing is to ask? Is there anywhere outside the house, that can be set up as a temporary kennel? Do the dogs get on?

My nephew stayed with family who had the same issue. His cocker spaniel spent the night in the back of his 4wd. She had her toys, blankets, bed and water bowl. The back was left slightly open so she could get out if she wished. Parked up against brickwork to protect her from wind/cold.

She spent her time watching anyone who walked up the lane, and barked the alarm when the postman visited.

Riola · 27/10/2023 08:57

YANBU. If you’re worried about bad feeling DH probably tell the main organiser you both can’t come and explain the reason. Don’t suggest anything, just leave the ball in their court.

The family may choose to ask the dog owners to leave the dogs outside - problem solved .

Or they may not, and then you’d be perfectly right to stay away because they have chosen not to accommodate you.

sollenwir · 27/10/2023 08:57

I am not sure why I think this might be a reverse, apologies if not.
If any of the family is allergic to dogs then, the dogs should not be in the house, even if it is only one of the family members. As it is, the dogs seem to have been included, so I second the idea of going to the event if it isn't in the main house, and staying somewhere else. If the event is at the house then you need to just say that you cannot come due to allergies, and you are surprised your family didn't realise this already.

Pleatherandlace · 27/10/2023 08:58

Politely decline due to your asthma. It’s not worth making yourself ill. if the family members are decent they will make alternative arrangements and leave the dogs at home.

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 27/10/2023 08:58

Severe allergy. It's not as if you just don't like dogs, there's a legitimate medical reason. If they want you there, the dogs need to stay at home. Simple, no compromise.

Peoplemakemedespair · 27/10/2023 08:58

Telling people what to do with their dogs goes down like a lead balloon. I’d be telling people you can’t go, and why, and hope that they use common sense and offer to leave the dogs at home

margotrose · 27/10/2023 08:59

I think the only options are that the dogs stay home/in kennels or you don't attend.

Flippingflamingo · 27/10/2023 09:00

Just say that you won’t be able to attend due to your allergy. Hope they do the right thing and leave the dogs at home.

Katrinawaves · 27/10/2023 09:00

Would it not be simpler to ask your family? No need to be passive aggressive just direct

”Hi guys. The planned event sounds great but I just wanted to check in on the arrangements for the house. As you all know I have a serious allergy to dogs. Is anyone planning on bringing their dog with them, as if so we’ll have to regretfully decline and catch up with you all another time”

Pleatherandlace · 27/10/2023 09:01

I definitely wouldn’t be making my life more complicated by staying in alternative accommodation a distance away just to accommodate some dogs.

Retirenejean · 27/10/2023 09:02

Can you not just raise the subject and be open about the issue? I’m a dog owner and if I would put my dog in kennels if that helped you, but if I didn’t know (or hadn’t understood the extent of your allergy) I wouldn’t be able to offer that.

The outside bit isn’t workable as the owners no way would keep them there all weekend (unless they’re already outdoor kennelled dogs) so for the dogs kennels or home care or whatever is far better.

hope you get it all sorted amicably

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 27/10/2023 09:02

If it's a dog friendly place, will previous people having stayed there with dogs be a problem for you too, even if your family weren't bringing theirs?

It's quite thoughtless that they've not considered your asthma when they know it will be a problem for you. Do you visit them and dog for short periods or something and they've not realised what a difference being with dogs for a whole weekend will be for you?

Is there really absolutely nowhere else you can book within 30 mins? Is the event happening in the booked house or elsewhere?

Greycottage · 27/10/2023 09:03

Well you can’t leave dogs outside all night (not if they are pets and used to being indoor dogs).

Either the family members are well aware of your severe allergy, and they’re choosing to bring the dogs anyway, in which case they are selfish and horrible. And you’ll have to find somewhere else to stay - and tell family why.

Or you’ve not made the dog owners fully aware of the extent of your allergy. In which case, let them know. Any reasonable person would put the dogs in kennels (where they can sleep indoors!).

Only you know whether this is a communication issue, or whether your husbands family are the type to prioritise the dog owners feelings over your attendance.

Ylvamoon · 27/10/2023 09:04

I wouldn't want to stay in a dog friendly place with severe allergy.

If its a holiday let, you don't know how clean it really is, when & where the last dog stayed, ect.

There must be a town or something nearby where you could stay at a B&B and join the family for the day? Or DH could go by himself?

HunterHearstHelmsley · 27/10/2023 09:05

In my experience, even if it's agreed then the dogs won't stay outside.

I'm not allergic to dogs but I'm not good with big ones. For family events elsewhere, I put up with it and try to stay away from the bigger dogs. My frustration is when they bring them to my house. I feel horrible saying they can't come in but the owners know this in advance. I can use the cats as an excuse then though.

Mrsjayy · 27/10/2023 09:06

Just say to them you are allergic to the dogs and really can't stay at the house put it back to them, any decent owner would get their dogs looked after elsewhere.

billy1966 · 27/10/2023 09:06

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 27/10/2023 08:58

Severe allergy. It's not as if you just don't like dogs, there's a legitimate medical reason. If they want you there, the dogs need to stay at home. Simple, no compromise.

This.

No apologising either.

Bovrilla · 27/10/2023 09:07

I missed a big family event last year of DH as we have a dog, and a family member is allergic. I stayed home with the dog 🤷‍♀️ as hound does not outweigh humans

Mrsjayy · 27/10/2023 09:08

The dogs really can't stay outside the whole time so I wouldn't be asking that.

Totalwasteofpaper · 27/10/2023 09:08

I have a dog. Most couldn't survive outside all day let alone at night. Summer yes - although she'd hate it so no one would get any sleep 😅 but I'd genuinely expect my dog to have died of exposure/ be very unwell after a day outdoors in these temps.

Unless you are desperate to go which it doesn't sound like you are...

I'd send him with the kids (if applicable) and chill out at home or take yourself off somewhere nice.
Kennel and board for 4 dogs is £200-400 a day

TigerQueenie · 27/10/2023 09:10

I wouldn't keep my dogs outside. If it were an issue either me or my partner would stay home.