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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to decline a family event because of dogs?

370 replies

MrsPatrickDempsey · 27/10/2023 08:48

A tricky situation has arisen. Within DH large family there is a significant event next year where it has been agreed that everyone will meet and stay together in a house for the weekend. This is booked and is a considerable distance from us in the middle of nowhere so nowhere else near.
There will be 4 dogs joining us. I am severely allergic and they are a significant trigger of my asthma. Family know this.
DH thinks we should ask for the dogs to be kept outside. I think this isn't fair to the dog owners as I am the minority and I think it will cause bad feeling.
What's the solution here? Travelling just for the day isn't an option and staying elsewhere defeats the point of the trip.

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 28/10/2023 22:07

RampantIvy · 28/10/2023 20:40

In that case they have no right to guilt trip the OP into going if it will endanger her health.

I don't see anywhere the OP says there is anyone guilt tripping her into going though.

T1Dmama · 28/10/2023 22:13

I’m sorry but as someone who has allergies, I can’t stay in ‘pet friendly’ places and I can’t go in peoples houses who have cats/dogs that moult.
If my family booked a cottage and dogs were going to be there I’d just politely decline and say ‘I’m so sorry, but I can’t stay in a house with the dogs due to my allergies’… will have to catch up over lunch sometime

Isittimeformynapyet · 28/10/2023 22:23

LaurieStrode · 27/10/2023 09:33

You don't want to have an asthma attack in the middle of nowhere, far from A&E.

I'd decline; just say your GP advised against it.

Do you always lie when there's nothing wrong with telling the truth?

Fucking bizarre advice.

TeenLifeMum · 28/10/2023 22:44

Desecratedcoconut · 27/10/2023 11:37

Have balloons ever triggered an asthma attack for you?

@Desecratedcoconut yes, latex triggers my asthma. Balloons in a room mean I need 4x1 a day antihistamines and my ventolin inhaler. If I touch a balloon I’ll most likely need a nebuliser in a&e. my immediate family use helium balloons. It’s much easier now dc are teens so there’s less birthday parties that could kill me.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 28/10/2023 22:48

TeenLifeMum · 28/10/2023 22:44

@Desecratedcoconut yes, latex triggers my asthma. Balloons in a room mean I need 4x1 a day antihistamines and my ventolin inhaler. If I touch a balloon I’ll most likely need a nebuliser in a&e. my immediate family use helium balloons. It’s much easier now dc are teens so there’s less birthday parties that could kill me.

Show quote history

Holy fuck that's scary! Never heard of latex allergy quite like that! 😟You sure drew the short straw!

Maatandosiris · 28/10/2023 22:50

Well the dogs can't stay outside. Presumably the fact the property is dog friendly will make it unsuitable for you to stay in anyway. Book somewhere else that’s dog free

IamMoodyBlue · 28/10/2023 22:54

I think that under the circumstances it is perfectly reasonable to regretfully decline if there are going to be dogs there.
The suggestion to stay somewhere else & just attending during the day wouldn't work. You don't stop being allergic in daylight!

TeenLifeMum · 28/10/2023 22:55

@Mumtobabyhavoc i learned about it putting in DD’s swim hat! I’d had contact reaction to latex before (marigolds and condoms) but the asthma trigger was new. My hands go itchy and swell and my chin itches. It’s not like anaphylactic shock because it comes on gradually so it’s less scary than that but it’s not an allergy anyone takes seriously.

LameBorzoi · 28/10/2023 23:06

@ScartlettSole
Very true! Also, dogs that are used to being inside will often get upset if suddenly locked outside, especially in a strange place. This leads to barking / digging etc.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 28/10/2023 23:12

TeenLifeMum · 28/10/2023 22:55

@Mumtobabyhavoc i learned about it putting in DD’s swim hat! I’d had contact reaction to latex before (marigolds and condoms) but the asthma trigger was new. My hands go itchy and swell and my chin itches. It’s not like anaphylactic shock because it comes on gradually so it’s less scary than that but it’s not an allergy anyone takes seriously.

I'm wincing at the thought of the reaction to the condom! 😲😲😲

Lucy25 · 28/10/2023 23:53

Easier resolution, would be for you to sleep in a nearby b&b.The people who are bringing their dogs, they’re not just pets, they’re part of their family.The difficulty would be, the dogs have probably never slept outside before.It would be too late now, for alternative arrangements, kennels or find someone to look after them.It is a tricky situation, this could cause bad feeling, personally l’d rather remove myself from the situation.

Lucy25 · 29/10/2023 00:09

You don’t have to be a dog owner to understand this situation.Surely it’s common sense, expecting 4 people with dogs, to leave their dogs outside or have make other arrangements for their dogs, is really cheeky, when it’s a dog friendly, accommodation.
It will cause problems and bad feeling.Just need to explain, regarding allergies and not go.It’s really not worth, falling out with people over this.

RudolphTheRedNosedSpaniel · 29/10/2023 05:23

Has this already been booked? It so then you can't really expect them to change it now.

Can you just stay somewhere nearby without dogs? Are you all in the same house?

RudolphTheRedNosedSpaniel · 29/10/2023 05:25

warmmfeet · 27/10/2023 09:33

That's pretty weird. I would not take my dogs to an event where someone had an allergy.

Maybe they don't know, it the OP hasn't mentioned it.

RudolphTheRedNosedSpaniel · 29/10/2023 05:27

My friends's allergic husband visits us (one dog here not 4)) he just takes a Piriton and he's fine. Would that help op?

FloofCloud · 29/10/2023 05:58

If you can't control the allergy with drugs/inhaler etc then personally I'd stay elsewhere and just attend the event. Good luck with whatever you do - I also have allergies and know they're a bloody pain sometimes

Riola · 29/10/2023 06:02

RudolphTheRedNosedSpaniel · 29/10/2023 05:27

My friends's allergic husband visits us (one dog here not 4)) he just takes a Piriton and he's fine. Would that help op?

It sounds like your friend isn’t severely allergic to dogs. I have severe hayfever and a Piriton does almost nothing for me.

The OP said this “ I am severely allergic and they are a significant trigger of my asthma.
Family know this”

So it’s pretty evident Piriton wouldn’t solve this completely . I’m sure as an adult who has presumably lived with her allergy a long time, she would know by know if she can just get rid of the symptoms by popping an allergy pill.

Asthma can be very serious . Definitely not worth risking triggering it.

Riola · 29/10/2023 06:11

IamMoodyBlue · 28/10/2023 22:54

I think that under the circumstances it is perfectly reasonable to regretfully decline if there are going to be dogs there.
The suggestion to stay somewhere else & just attending during the day wouldn't work. You don't stop being allergic in daylight!

This.

Why do people keep suggesting Op just stay somewhere else and attend the event when it’s clear from the OPs posts “ the event” is the weekend together in the house??

From the OP “What's the solution here? Travelling just for the day isn't an option and staying elsewhere defeats the point of the trip.”

my friend had a 40th weekend last year, some of us stayed with her in a cottage for the weekend. The others who didn’t stay came for the afternoon and evening party at the house/cottage . Were anyone allergic to dogs at the house, it just wouldn’t have worked whether they were staying for the party only or staying overnight.

Katela18 · 29/10/2023 07:06

We are having a very similar situation next year with my family. Total of 14 adults + 2 young children. 6 dogs between all the adults. One person is allergic. We agreed before we ever booked that no dogs would be coming. All dog owners have made alternative arrangements for their dogs ie staying with family or kennels.

Could this not be arranged? Personally I think it's more important to have all human family members there than the dogs! (I am one of the dog owners!)

pumpykins · 29/10/2023 07:33

I wouldn’t go. sounds like you have the perfect excuse to get out of it

4 families/couples pkus 4 dogs in a house for the weekend? Shudder

BackAgainstWall · 29/10/2023 07:46

Stop being such a drama lama.

Stay somewhere else. It’s simple.

Inertia · 29/10/2023 07:55

Is it your family or your husband’s?

One of you needs to ask the question about whether dogs are going to be there, and to explain that you can’t go if they are.

If your allergy is as bad as it sounds, then a severe asthma attack in the middle of nowhere could kill you- clearly, looking ‘a bit off’ for not going is infinitely the better option.

If the family agree not to take dogs, you could contact the homeowner in advance and pay for a specialist deep clean of living areas and your bedroom (you’d need to decide on rooms in advance).

If others insist on taking dogs so you can’t go,, you shouldn’t be expected to pay.

RampantIvy · 29/10/2023 07:58

pumpykins · 29/10/2023 07:33

I wouldn’t go. sounds like you have the perfect excuse to get out of it

4 families/couples pkus 4 dogs in a house for the weekend? Shudder

You are projecting a little here. Something like this may not be your cup of tea, but perhaps the OP would have loved to join the family.

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/10/2023 08:06

“Personally I think it's more important to have all human family members there than the dogs! (I am one of the dog owners!)”

A voice of reason!!

stichguru · 29/10/2023 13:51

I think just tell the truth. "I'm sorry but with my allergies I won't be able to be inside with the dogs or if the house hasn't been cleaned since the dogs left." If they value you more than the dogs, they can then agree on a way to make the event dog free or the house dog free at least. But if it's a huge problem, and one of the dog families really won't be able to attend without the dog, that gives them a chance to explain the situation.