Aibu to decline a family event because of dogs?

[MrsPatrickDempsey]

A tricky situation has arisen. Within DH large family there is a significant event next year where it has been agreed that everyone will meet and stay together in a house for the weekend. This is booked and is a considerable distance from us in the middle of nowhere so nowhere else near.
There will be 4 dogs joining us. I am severely allergic and they are a significant trigger of my asthma. Family know this.
DH thinks we should ask for the dogs to be kept outside. I think this isn't fair to the dog owners as I am the minority and I think it will cause bad feeling.
What's the solution here? Travelling just for the day isn't an option and staying elsewhere defeats the point of the trip.

I wouldn’t go. They know of your allergy and how severe it is and are very passionate about their dogs. They chose a place in the middle of nowhere which likely could have been due to the dogs in the first place.

Regardless of their intentions, there was no real thought to you or how were you supposed to cope with that many dogs around. Doubtful they would be able to keep them off every surface. My guess is they probably expected you to take a bunch of antihistamines and think you’d be fine.

DH can go and if they ask why you’re not going, he can remind them that they know you’re severely allergic and having to call 999 from the middle of nowhere would not be pleasant for you.

It's unreasonable to ask the dog owners to keep their dogs outside, especially if the weather is bad or the dogs aren't normally kept shut outside for hours/days. Mine would bark non stop until she was brought back in.

Although if your family knows how allergic you are, they should make alternate arrangements for the dogs instead of bringing them.

I can understand both sides of this. We're a moderately doggie family, across parents and siblings it's rare that there's not 1-3 dogs at any point in time. And the dogs attend family events, including weddings and funerals. It's just who we are. There are lots of families like this.

It would be a very difficult situation if someone married into the family that had such a severe allergy. But I like to think we'd be pragmatic (we generally are) and wouldn't create the situation the OP's in by renting such an unsuitable property for the event.

It could have been avoided by renting somewhere with 2-4 separate units close together and holding the main gathering in one that's kept dog-free (assuming the allergy isn't so severe that the likelihood of dog hair on family members becomes a problem).

Not getting into whether the dogs should be going - that’s emotive on both sides, lol. However, if there are dogs going to an event and you are severely allergic, then you can’t go - too stressful and worrying for all concerned I would imagine. Stay home and DH can go - it’s his family, and they know about the allergy!

Well, the cost and logistics of arranging dog care can be a PITA but there is time left to sort that out. How much do they understand about the extent of your allergy? Can dogs be in part of the house that you don't go into or some other compromise? I'm presuming this is not one person who owns four dogs but 2 - 4 different relatives who own dogs and see them as part of the family and the occasion. If it's a countryside location dog walks are on the cards. Of course, they should consider you but as you say you're in the minority - talk to them about it.

Not everyone sees their dogs as “just dogs” I certainly don’t.

The dogs can’t be left outside, unless they always live outside. They’ll howl and utterly confused.

You could ask for them to go to a dog sitter/ kennels but bear in mind that this will cost every owner money. They may or may not be happy to pay.

If it was me personally, I’d stay in a nearby premier inn and visit. Tell the family this is your intention and they may offer to accommodate the dogs elsewhere…

I would add that Doginatent, above, nails it - why the family didn’t organise accommodation more suitable to all is the question..

I really wish posters would stop with the tired Dogs Trump People trope.

My dogs are more important to me that a distant cousin or distant cousin's wife, and I'm sure that's the case for many others.

I have a similar allergy and couldn't stay in a house with dogs. I struggle with any air bnb or similar that are dog friendly even without dogs as they don't sufficiently deep clean so I steer clear of anything that would be suitable tbh. If you are similar keep that in mind even if the dogs are outside as its ruined a couple of weekends away for me in the past.

The OP says that this is an event within DH's large family, so the DH may be a cousin or in law of the person whose birthday/event (edit: OP doesn't say birthday) it is. I may be wrong but I'm assuming it's not the DH's immediate family. If they're all dog people and the whole weekend has been planned around long country walks with the dogs, then it's not at all unreasonable that they wouldn't want to change their plans, but equally it's not unreasonable for OP not to want to go. It doesn't mean that they think dogs are more important than humans for crying out loud! Just that for them part of the enjoyment of a weekend away involves dog walks and that is what they want to spend their money and time off doing. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Dogs are not children, there is no need for them to be at an event unless everyone is fine with it I would not be going, I have no allergies but I am not staying with 4 dogs

You could hire a motorhome and then you could spend time nearby or at the house but in a dog free environment. It just isn't going to be possible to get the rest of the family to change their plans as this has probably been arranged to ensure people who usually miss out due to dog care arrangements can all attend. As long as they aren't asking you to chip in for the house I would just do that, or a premier inn or don't bother going , send DH and kids and have a nice quiet day!

Just book separate accommodation for you and your DH. Or let DH go alone. It would cost a lot less than that many dogs in kennels.

Could you ask first and find out if the dogs would be given the run of the place?

Is there an option to book somewhere close by but separate so that you can meet up without having to suffer all of the time?

That’s really thoughtless of them.

My ex-PIL had one very well-behaved dog who lived downstairs and never came upstairs, so dog hair etc didn't get in the bedrooms.

I still felt like I was dying at the end of each visit, even with prescription-strength antihistamines. I don't have asthma though - the dog would have finished me off if I had. And that was one very sweet short-haired dog who could be trusted to stay only in certain areas of the house - not four, who are probably used to having free reign!

I don't think separating the living space will help you. I don't think you can put indoor dogs outside. So, that leaves only a few options:

• Can the dogs be left behind? Presumably, any family who would normally cover are on this holiday. Kennels? Is it a case of they can't find someone suitable to look after the dogs or they won't?
• Can you and your DH really not just stay nearby rather than in the house? Do you have to go to the house (which will cause problems for you even if visiting for short periods of time)?

Bottom line is, if this big family event takes place in Dog Mansion, you can't take part. So, the question is, how important are you to the family? How big a deal is this event? It really is you (and your DH, package deal) or the dogs.

What normally happens about visiting with these people?

I don't think asking for the dogs to be kept outside is the solution - even if the dogs are OK, the humans are going to let them in "just for a minute".

I think DH has to make it clear that if the dogs are there you can't be, but presumably they know that already.

There are too many unknowns.
who is going, how is DH related to the 'event'

if the dog owners are immediate family to the 'event' & DH is a cousin & the cousins wife is allergic to dogs, then that might mean the cousins wife can attend if the siblings have the dogs.

DH needs to call the person organising it & see what the arrangements are. Then if it's not doable for you, say he will be there but obviously you can't, because of your allergy to dogs.

Just let dh go alone. I don’t know why once people are married they can’t do anything without each other.

Even when you see them as much more than 'just' dogs, surely you can see how some folk would put them slightly below family members who they happen not dislike?

How allergic are you? It will be a dog friendly property so dogs will have been all over it, including beds etc.

I would book separate accommodation based on that alone if I was severely allergic.

....so are the dogs more important than the humans then? That's how this reply reads!

Yes this. If dogs have stayed there before, it’s likely you’ll still have issues. I’d be wary.
in my experience people often assume allergic to dogs = doesn’t like dogs. They don’t understand or care . But that’s after a couple of bad experiences…

Well that depends, doesn't it? Kennels are expensive and presumably people are bringing their dogs because a) it's cheaper and b) they've deliberately planned a dog-friendly holiday. I'm not sure I'd rush to put my dog in kennels if I was going on holiday with close family and we were all bringing our dogs and then some random inlaw that I barely knew announced they were allergic. That's an extra several hundred quid for the week.