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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to decline a family event because of dogs?

370 replies

MrsPatrickDempsey · 27/10/2023 08:48

A tricky situation has arisen. Within DH large family there is a significant event next year where it has been agreed that everyone will meet and stay together in a house for the weekend. This is booked and is a considerable distance from us in the middle of nowhere so nowhere else near.
There will be 4 dogs joining us. I am severely allergic and they are a significant trigger of my asthma. Family know this.
DH thinks we should ask for the dogs to be kept outside. I think this isn't fair to the dog owners as I am the minority and I think it will cause bad feeling.
What's the solution here? Travelling just for the day isn't an option and staying elsewhere defeats the point of the trip.

OP posts:
BarnacleBeasley · 27/10/2023 09:11

I don't think your DH really understands dogs - my dog would absolutely not cope with being kept outside, especially in a strange place, so that's not a reasonable request. However, if it was my family event and not till next year, I'd happily make other arrangements for my dog and not bring him, if I knew that one of the other guests was severely allergic.

On the other hand, if I were in your position and if I was not that close to DH's family (don't know how invested you feel in the event?), I'd probably be happy to just send him to the event on his own and have a nice weekend by myself - especially if the whole family are dog people and part of the enjoyment of spending a weekend together in the countryside is going on nice dog walks together.

DisforDarkChocolate · 27/10/2023 09:12

I have a severe cat allergy, no keeping them (if it was dogs) in one room or having them sleep somewhere else wouldn't help. Nor would taking anti-histamines. I'd be in hospital. I can't understand why dogs are coming when they know you can't be around them. I would just stay away because like it or not they have put the dogs coming before you.

Original poster
MrsPatrickDempsey · 27/10/2023 09:13

Thank you all.
I appreciate your perspectives. This absolutely isn't a reverse unfortunately.
Dogs are a very big part of their lives (thankfully DH isn't so passionate) and I respect this. I just feel outnumbered.

OP posts:
Katrinawaves · 27/10/2023 09:15

Totalwasteofpaper · 27/10/2023 09:08

I have a dog. Most couldn't survive outside all day let alone at night. Summer yes - although she'd hate it so no one would get any sleep 😅 but I'd genuinely expect my dog to have died of exposure/ be very unwell after a day outdoors in these temps.

Unless you are desperate to go which it doesn't sound like you are...

I'd send him with the kids (if applicable) and chill out at home or take yourself off somewhere nice.
Kennel and board for 4 dogs is £200-400 a day

Interesting that your solution is for the allergic person to miss out on the event rather than the dog owner who doesn’t want to fork out for pet sitting for a weekend!

sollenwir · 27/10/2023 09:15

MrsPatrickDempsey · 27/10/2023 09:13

Thank you all.
I appreciate your perspectives. This absolutely isn't a reverse unfortunately.
Dogs are a very big part of their lives (thankfully DH isn't so passionate) and I respect this. I just feel outnumbered.

Thanks for clarifying.
I have nothing against dogs, on the whole, but humans should always come first imho (especially if they are family who you otherwise get on with).

Ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyourbiscuit · 27/10/2023 09:16

If you were in my family, I wouldn’t bring my dog. I think it’s awful they’re bringing their dogs when you’re so allergic.

SecondUsername4me · 27/10/2023 09:16

Didn't the discussion about dogs happen at booking stage?

"Holiday sounds lovely, can I just check if the dogs are coming, as you know I'm highly allergic so can only come along if they aren't coming"

sollenwir · 27/10/2023 09:17

Kennel and board for 4 dogs is £200-400 a day

@Totalwasteofpaper presumably the dog owners knew about these sort of costs before getting the dogs, plus that really isn't the OP's problem. Human family should come before dog family (unless you don't like your human family member).

TheMadHattter · 27/10/2023 09:18

We went to a family event and brought our dog (which event organiser had said was absolutely fine) and turned out 2 other people were very allergic - we were absolutely mortified. We ended up taking it in turns to sit at the bottom of the garden with the dog. I'd much rather know in advance as a dog owner, as for instance at this event we could have easily made arrangements not to bring the dog. If the dog owners at your event already know you're allergic this just seems a bizarre and rude arrangement to me. Have you tried talking to the person organising it?

Personally I don't think the leaving outside plan will work. If these dogs are family pets and used to being inside I imagine they won't adjust well. We absolutely could not do this with our dog, she would bark the entire time.

crumblingschools · 27/10/2023 09:19

Can you be in a room after dogs have been in it? As others have said if it is a dog friendly holiday let there maybe dog hair/dander from previous occupants.

CaptainMyCaptain · 27/10/2023 09:19

You can't just leave dogs outside they would bark the place down unless they are used to it. If I was allergic I'd not go (a dog friendly cottage would still have traces of other dogs).

DiscoBeat · 27/10/2023 09:21

You shouldn't have to be trying to find a solution, the family members (assuming they know about your allergy) should not be bringing them because of it. There's no way it will work with them being outside, even if they have the best intention of trying. If they are still insisting on bringing them then I personally would decline and have a lovely peaceful time at home doing exactly what I want to do.

Apossum · 27/10/2023 09:21

It’s unbelievable to me that anyone would even consider bringing their dog with them on a big family break when one of said family is allergic! I adore my dogs but they’re just dogs!! Dogs > people. When you get pets you have to accept that they can’t always go everywhere and do everything and so you either need to miss out or come up with alternative care.

LameBorzoi · 27/10/2023 09:22

If they've already booked the place, it's really too late to change anything - a dog friendly place will be full of dog dander.

Does DP's family know how severe your reactions are? They may assume it's just a stuffy nose / antihistamine situation. Even if you've mentioned the asthma, many people don't understand how serious that is.

miniproblem · 27/10/2023 09:23

AnaisMae · 27/10/2023 08:54

I assume the significant event is away from the house without the dogs? I'd stay elsewhere and still attend the event, whether it defets the object or not.

The dogs shouldn't be there if someone has a severe allergy though.

Not if the weekend house stay is the event.

BarnacleBeasley · 27/10/2023 09:23

I think the perspectives on this thread are quite divided into pro- and anti-dog, and to me what's really important is:

  • how much does OP actually want to go to the event?
  • if she doesn't want to go, will the family be offended if she doesn't? Or is it more DH who wants her to go and will be upset if she can't?
  • if she does really want to go, do the family actually know that? They know she is allergic to dogs, but may not realise that she wants to go enough to plan the event around that.
If OP is a fully-integrated member of the family, or it feels really really important to her and/or her DH that she be included, then yes, the family should make more effort to make other arrangements for their dogs. But otherwise I don't think there's a black-and-white 'humans are more important than dogs' rule. I get on well with my DP's family and like to go to their events sometimes, but at other times I like to do my own thing and they are not offended by that.
tattygrl · 27/10/2023 09:24

I think this needs discussing with the group, surely? Bring it up again and say that unfortunately if dogs will be present you'll be unable to attend the house and stay there because of your severe allergies. I'm surprised tbh that they would decide to bring their dogs, knowing of your allergies.

miniproblem · 27/10/2023 09:26

Keeping the dogs outside wouldn't work, they can't spend a whole weekend in the car or garden.

I agree that if your allergy is so bad that it will make you ill then you can't go if the dogs do. Your partner could still go.

Maddy70 · 27/10/2023 09:27

Could you and husband stay elsewhere and join them for meals? You can't ask for the dogs to be outside.

Can you take anti histamines? I am allergic to my own dogs and I'm OK as long as I take them

DiscoBeat · 27/10/2023 09:28

Kennel and board for 4 dogs is £200-400 a day
If this person has chosen to have 4 dogs then presumably they will have factored in the occasional boarding cost, unless they've decided never to attend out of town weddings and funerals. They could try to get a house sitter for much less.

DrinkingMyWaterMindingMyBiz · 27/10/2023 09:29

YANBU. Send DH (and the kids, if you have any) and enjoy the time to yourself! I’m sure everyone would understand.

miniproblem · 27/10/2023 09:29

Totalwasteofpaper · 27/10/2023 09:08

I have a dog. Most couldn't survive outside all day let alone at night. Summer yes - although she'd hate it so no one would get any sleep 😅 but I'd genuinely expect my dog to have died of exposure/ be very unwell after a day outdoors in these temps.

Unless you are desperate to go which it doesn't sound like you are...

I'd send him with the kids (if applicable) and chill out at home or take yourself off somewhere nice.
Kennel and board for 4 dogs is £200-400 a day

Friend, relative, house sitter. There are options.

dwinsiaradcymraeg · 27/10/2023 09:29

BarnacleBeasley · 27/10/2023 09:23

I think the perspectives on this thread are quite divided into pro- and anti-dog, and to me what's really important is:

  • how much does OP actually want to go to the event?
  • if she doesn't want to go, will the family be offended if she doesn't? Or is it more DH who wants her to go and will be upset if she can't?
  • if she does really want to go, do the family actually know that? They know she is allergic to dogs, but may not realise that she wants to go enough to plan the event around that.
If OP is a fully-integrated member of the family, or it feels really really important to her and/or her DH that she be included, then yes, the family should make more effort to make other arrangements for their dogs. But otherwise I don't think there's a black-and-white 'humans are more important than dogs' rule. I get on well with my DP's family and like to go to their events sometimes, but at other times I like to do my own thing and they are not offended by that.

This is the only sensible response!

ChardonnaysBeastlyCat · 27/10/2023 09:29

How do people imagine dogs can be left outside? Tied to a tree? In a car park?

Can your DH go without you? It's his family.

Mrsjayy · 27/10/2023 09:29

I don't think it's a pro/con against dogs thread at all but they world shouldn't revolve around people's dogs.

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