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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to decline a family event because of dogs?

370 replies

MrsPatrickDempsey · 27/10/2023 08:48

A tricky situation has arisen. Within DH large family there is a significant event next year where it has been agreed that everyone will meet and stay together in a house for the weekend. This is booked and is a considerable distance from us in the middle of nowhere so nowhere else near.
There will be 4 dogs joining us. I am severely allergic and they are a significant trigger of my asthma. Family know this.
DH thinks we should ask for the dogs to be kept outside. I think this isn't fair to the dog owners as I am the minority and I think it will cause bad feeling.
What's the solution here? Travelling just for the day isn't an option and staying elsewhere defeats the point of the trip.

OP posts:
SapatSea · 27/10/2023 09:30

YANBU and you are right you absolutely can't go. If you have an asthma attack triggered by the dogs then you may need to go to hospital and it sounds as if you wouldn't be near one. The anxiety of what might happen when you arrive will also be immense and a trigger. If the dogs are banned you might still feel miserable and feel you are resented in the family. Also, if the house is a dog friendly rental then again even if the dogs were kept outside you could be triggered as other dogs dander will be in the air and on surfaces. Just explain to the organiser that you are severely allergic and therefore can't go - DH could still go and you can have some nice free time. Unless they have allergy in the close family ( and sometimes even if they do)people often don't understand how life threatening it can be.

DaftQuestionForToday · 27/10/2023 09:31

Pleatherandlace · 27/10/2023 09:01

I definitely wouldn’t be making my life more complicated by staying in alternative accommodation a distance away just to accommodate some dogs.

@@Pleatherandlace it wouldn't be to 'accommodate some dogs' it would be to avoid setting off her allergy.

sollenwir · 27/10/2023 09:31

Mrsjayy · 27/10/2023 09:29

I don't think it's a pro/con against dogs thread at all but they world shouldn't revolve around people's dogs.

Agreed, I am not anti-dog and get that people see them as their family. Human family trumps dogs every time though, unless it's a particularly unpleasant family member!

KickHimInTheCrotch · 27/10/2023 09:31

I'm not allergic to dogs but I hate being around them. I would prefer to stay home and would let DP go without me if there were going to be 4 dogs there. What do you actually want to do? Would you rather everyone left their dogs elsewhere for your benefit or would you rather stay home?

Ragruggers · 27/10/2023 09:31

As you have an extreme allergy to dogs I would be worried bookinga house which allows dogs even if they are not present.In my experience dog hair gets every where and even if it appears clean dander is in the soft furnishings.More dog owners allow dogs in the bedrooms .I would book an Airbnb which is pet free and just meet up for the meal in the restaurant.

Maddy70 · 27/10/2023 09:31

It seems like it's more than 1 family member with dogs. And they gave specifically chosen this because they want to be with their dogs. So the op is the only one that doesn't want yo be with them so the simple solution is husband goes you stay at home

3luckystars · 27/10/2023 09:32

When my husbands family go away to a big house type holiday, we go too but book a smaller house nearby. We meet up for all the fun stuff but have our own space. Would that be an option?

Cosyblankets · 27/10/2023 09:32

Given that there are dogs going then i assume that this is dog friendly accommodation.
OP is these dogs don't go but there had been dogs there the day before would you be affected even though it had been cleaned?

LaurieStrode · 27/10/2023 09:33

You don't want to have an asthma attack in the middle of nowhere, far from A&E.

I'd decline; just say your GP advised against it.

theleafandnotthetree · 27/10/2023 09:33

The world - or maybe it's just the UK? - has gone mad where people are prioritising dogs over humans and people just go along with this. Maybe I'm out of the loop in terms of mores here in Ireland but I'm finding it hard to imagine a similar scenario - not least because finding dog friendly accommodation would be much much more difficult. I own a dog and I wouldn't want to stay in such a place particularly. And my holidays are AWAY from the responsibilities of a dog! If people can afford to go away for a few nights, they can afford kennels/dog sitter for a few nights. And if they really can't be parted from them - which is utterly crazy in itself IMO - then THEY stay at home, not the human with the allergies

warmmfeet · 27/10/2023 09:33

That's pretty weird. I would not take my dogs to an event where someone had an allergy.

Dappledgrey · 27/10/2023 09:33

What is it with people and dogs 🙄i think this is so unfair on you OP. The dogs shouldn’t go imo because otherwise you can’t attend and why do the dogs trump you?

Is there a reason why they can’t go to kennels?

sollenwir · 27/10/2023 09:34

Maddy70 · 27/10/2023 09:31

It seems like it's more than 1 family member with dogs. And they gave specifically chosen this because they want to be with their dogs. So the op is the only one that doesn't want yo be with them so the simple solution is husband goes you stay at home

In other words they think their dogs are more important than a family member (who cannot control the fact that she has an allergy)?

diddl · 27/10/2023 09:34

If your allergy is known about how come a dog friendly place has been booked?

Or is it the dog owner(s) doing the organising?

I'm not close to my husband's family so would happily give it a miss given the chance!

Obviously that may not be the case here though!

PaperSn0wAGhOst · 27/10/2023 09:35

I love my dog SO much but she’s . . . a dog. If someone is scared or allergic you have to be responsible and keep them away!

N27 · 27/10/2023 09:36

I wouldn’t be going and I wouldn’t be putting any effort into sorting out an alternative solution. They made the decision that 4 dogs are more important to them than a human member of the family so they can have a fab weekend with their dogs and I’ll enjoy my time allergy free doing something I want to do 👍

miniproblem · 27/10/2023 09:37

We don't actually know the detail though do we. Have the family deliberately prioritised the dogs or have they just not thought about it? Do they realise how bad the allergy is?

I think if you don't have a serious allergy or live with someone that does you might think people can pop a piriton and get on with it.

There's a lot of assumptions being made and as with all dog threads, people are getting overexcited. 😄

Of course this could all be a conspiracy to kill off the op and get her riches. 😉

Desecratedcoconut · 27/10/2023 09:38

When we go away I need to stay in a pet free home because being in a place after someone has had their pets there is enough to trigger my asthma.

ActDottie · 27/10/2023 09:38

I imagine if the dogs can’t go then a lot of the humans won’t go. It’s unrealistic for the dogs to be kept outside the whole time! I wouldn’t do this with my dogs.

Can you just book separate accommodation that’s a short drive away?

DrinkingMyWaterMindingMyBiz · 27/10/2023 09:39

Cosyblankets · 27/10/2023 09:32

Given that there are dogs going then i assume that this is dog friendly accommodation.
OP is these dogs don't go but there had been dogs there the day before would you be affected even though it had been cleaned?

This is a good point! I always filter out “pet friendly” accommodations for this very reason (I’m not allergic, just don’t like the idea of sleeping on a bed where someone’s dog may have slept the night before.) With OP having a far more legitimate reason than me, I think this might be a concern!

ActDottie · 27/10/2023 09:40

MintJulia · 27/10/2023 08:57

The easiest thing is to ask? Is there anywhere outside the house, that can be set up as a temporary kennel? Do the dogs get on?

My nephew stayed with family who had the same issue. His cocker spaniel spent the night in the back of his 4wd. She had her toys, blankets, bed and water bowl. The back was left slightly open so she could get out if she wished. Parked up against brickwork to protect her from wind/cold.

She spent her time watching anyone who walked up the lane, and barked the alarm when the postman visited.

A temporary kennel outside for the dogs!! What if they’re dogs that are used to being inside. My dogs wouldn’t last a second in a temporary kennel and it would cause them so much anxiety!

Desecratedcoconut · 27/10/2023 09:40

ActDottie · 27/10/2023 09:38

I imagine if the dogs can’t go then a lot of the humans won’t go. It’s unrealistic for the dogs to be kept outside the whole time! I wouldn’t do this with my dogs.

Can you just book separate accommodation that’s a short drive away?

I love the just in that sentence. Could you just exclude yourself from being a part of sharing a home with your wider family for a family event so the pet owners don't need to exclude their dogs?

happyl · 27/10/2023 09:41

a night in a premier inn won't cost you much. I'd do that. Peace and quiet from the family too!

Mavissdaviss · 27/10/2023 09:41

Presumably you all knew this before booking the house? Perhaps the organisers have booked somewhere with all this in mind.. there may be an upper floor that you can stay on dog free and the owners have agreed to keep the dogs in certain rooms/outside only.

Waxdrip · 27/10/2023 09:41

They have presumably booked a pet friendly house, which will already be full of dog hair whether the dogs come or not. I would send DH alone.

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