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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cultural manners

307 replies

anareen · 27/10/2023 04:58

Having a discussion/debate

Is it rude for DC to say "what" when you call them?
I think it is. I teach DC to respond with "yes" when called. I grew up in Hispanic culture. Possibly this is a factor?

What are others input? Do you teach DC something along the same lines?

OP posts:
MrsHughesPinny · 27/10/2023 05:05

I think it’s rude but I was brought up in a mixed British/other country culture too. My Mum would have slapped our faces for saying ‘what?’ if she called us! 😂

Catsmere · 27/10/2023 05:07

Australian here and it's definitely rude.

GHSP · 27/10/2023 05:13

British. Rudeness is context-dependent.

for some families it is rude to say what, others not. If you mishear and need someone to repeat themselves then my children know that ‘what’ is more polite than ‘pardon’. But others are taught the opposite!

When called I wouldn’t object to the children saying ‘what’ unless it was in a snarky tone. Others would.

stayathomer · 27/10/2023 05:14

Irish and we we were always told it was rude and to say yes?

Wonkasworld · 27/10/2023 05:16

I was brought up not being corrected when I said "what". It's definitely rude but I think you consider a few things wrong from being raised, when you've developed, independently.

Maybe it's a class, rather than cultural thing?

Chickenkeev · 27/10/2023 05:17

It is a bit rude tbh. As pp said, tone is everything but when you're training them for the outside world, 'what' is not acceptable. You wouldn't want them saying it to a teacher or an employer.

AfterWeights · 27/10/2023 05:20

If you mishear and need someone to repeat themselves then my children know that ‘what’ is more polite than ‘pardon’.

It's the opposite! I was always taught "don't say what say pardon". My experience is these finer specifics are considered less important among younger people, almost a bit Hyacinth Bucket.

Chickenkeev · 27/10/2023 05:22

AfterWeights · 27/10/2023 05:20

If you mishear and need someone to repeat themselves then my children know that ‘what’ is more polite than ‘pardon’.

It's the opposite! I was always taught "don't say what say pardon". My experience is these finer specifics are considered less important among younger people, almost a bit Hyacinth Bucket.

I'd always say 'sorry'. Pardon seems really formal, it wouldn't enter my head!

AfterWeights · 27/10/2023 05:22

Re "what" vs "pardon" i should add that as an adult I'd probably use neither & say "excuse me?"

Chickenkeev · 27/10/2023 05:24

AfterWeights · 27/10/2023 05:22

Re "what" vs "pardon" i should add that as an adult I'd probably use neither & say "excuse me?"

Excuse me seems pass agg... i'm really doubting myself here. Have i been doing it wrong the whole time 🤔

Sheisready · 27/10/2023 05:33

“What?” is the correct etiquette if you haven’t heard somebody. “Pardon?” is very working class and incorrect.

I don’t think this is what OP is getting at though. She’s talking about how to respond when called, I think.

(I am from a working class background and in these cases, “what?” sounds rude. I would use “sorry?” and “yes?”).

junbean · 27/10/2023 05:53

Same here, grew up in Texas, similar Hispanic culture too, but we say "Yes ma'am." and no yelling across the house either.

Mum2aTeen · 27/10/2023 06:04

I only say that when I haven't heard them but usually say "what was that"/"sorry I didn't hear you".
If they call for me, say something like yes/answer the question or follow on the conversation unless I'm in a mood.
In my teens/20s, I would say what a lot more never thought that it was rude or anything. No one corrected me, though in my childhood, teens i got away with anything/everything, and when I met my partner, he would say similar so never thought it was bad/rude to say.
I'm in Australia, but I think it sometimes depends on your socio demographic.

Chickenkeev · 27/10/2023 06:49

Sheisready · 27/10/2023 05:33

“What?” is the correct etiquette if you haven’t heard somebody. “Pardon?” is very working class and incorrect.

I don’t think this is what OP is getting at though. She’s talking about how to respond when called, I think.

(I am from a working class background and in these cases, “what?” sounds rude. I would use “sorry?” and “yes?”).

Pardon is not 'working class' nor 'incorrect'. Ì would say it's just moving out of common parlance, so sounds a bit odd. It's quite old school (like my 94 year old granny)

Chickenkeev · 27/10/2023 06:52

And tbh 'very working class'? I think you're completely wrong, but aside from that, really?????

Beenalongwinter · 27/10/2023 06:55

www.tatler.com/article/sorry-what-pardon-etiquette

Food for thought.

Missdemeanorz · 27/10/2023 07:03

I say sorry, or excuse me, just a sec I couldn't hear you.
DP just says Eh.😂

pickledandpuzzled · 27/10/2023 07:05

I like the Tatler article’s recognition that ‘what?’ maybe correct in upper class circles but it doesn’t land nicely!

Pardon being aspirational.

Hmm could be the way to go.

For goodness’ sake stop mumbling,
or
If you want me to answer, make sure I can hear you

are my current go to.

Though if you are calling someone, Yes? Seems the minimally polite response.

hattie43 · 27/10/2023 07:10

It's rude .

ColleenDonaghy · 27/10/2023 07:11

Knew this would turn into a what Vs pardon class thread, even though that's not the usage of what that OP was asking about. Grin

I think I use yes in that sense OP (Irish). Tone is more important to me than the word used, a polite "What?" is better than a snarled "Yes?" in my book.

Ducksinthebath · 27/10/2023 07:14

Love the recognition of “Hm?” In the the article.

DilemmaDelilah · 27/10/2023 07:20

I was brought up to know that 'what' is rude, and 'pardon' is common. I don't mean to offend anybody, but that is the case. 'Sorry' was acceptable, but a full phrase, e.g. 'I'm sorry, I didn't hear you' or 'Excuse me, I didn't hear what you said' both said whilst ensuring that you are within earshot of the speaker, were preferred. Nowadays when I can't hear my DH mumbling something from the living room (there's another bone of contention - I was brought up with drawing room, which we didn't have at the time, or sitting room - never EVER lounge or front room, hence the generic 'living room') when I am in the kitchen, I shout back 'I can't hear you', which he knows very well to be the case. And for others it is 'What did you say?' Or 'Sorry, what did you say' if I'm being extra polite.

madeinmanc · 27/10/2023 07:23

I don't think I've heard anyone say "pardon" for at least ten years, it's dying out/heavily dated.

combioven · 27/10/2023 07:23

I’m English and yes ‘what’ in response to being called from another room would have been considered rude when I grew up and I still find it rude now. Although after saying ‘yes Mum?’ a few times and her not responding I would say ‘WHAT’ which always got an answer out of her 🤣

Finestreason · 27/10/2023 07:28

I always received “pardon” as sarcastic, as STFU, or dismissive. Not used to ask someone to repeat what they’ve said. I rarely hear it anymore through.