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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cultural manners

307 replies

anareen · 27/10/2023 04:58

Having a discussion/debate

Is it rude for DC to say "what" when you call them?
I think it is. I teach DC to respond with "yes" when called. I grew up in Hispanic culture. Possibly this is a factor?

What are others input? Do you teach DC something along the same lines?

OP posts:
Mamette · 27/10/2023 07:31

stayathomer · 27/10/2023 05:14

Irish and we we were always told it was rude and to say yes?

I’m Irish and I have never heard anyone say that “yes” is rude.

Do you mean you say “what?” when someone calls you?

I definitely say “yes?” when called (except when it’s the 10000th “muuuuuum” from the dc. Then I say WHAT!! Is. It - but I think that’s normal 😆

BarbedButterfly · 27/10/2023 07:33

What would be normal in our family. Probably wouldn't think much about it really

rainylake · 27/10/2023 07:33

I was brought up that “what” is rude, you should say “what did you say?”

MushMonster · 27/10/2023 07:34

Oh my God! That exactly happens between me and my DD!
I call her and she comes back with nothing or a what?
We have arrived to the compromise that she will come downstairs when I call her. Bwcause it used to be DD, what?, DD, what?.... I mean... I am calling you because I flipping need you here!
She also, when standing by me and I said to her to do something, she does not acknowledge, she says nothing. To me this is beyond rude, to her is normal- so she says....

theduchessofspork · 27/10/2023 07:34

AfterWeights · 27/10/2023 05:20

If you mishear and need someone to repeat themselves then my children know that ‘what’ is more polite than ‘pardon’.

It's the opposite! I was always taught "don't say what say pardon". My experience is these finer specifics are considered less important among younger people, almost a bit Hyacinth Bucket.

Traditionally it’s either what or I beg your pardon. At least if you are concerned about your poshness rating.

Anyway OP I think it depends on tone.

Spirro · 27/10/2023 07:35

Sheisready · 27/10/2023 05:33

“What?” is the correct etiquette if you haven’t heard somebody. “Pardon?” is very working class and incorrect.

I don’t think this is what OP is getting at though. She’s talking about how to respond when called, I think.

(I am from a working class background and in these cases, “what?” sounds rude. I would use “sorry?” and “yes?”).

This. Pardon is really common, my DC know they’re not allowed to say it. What? - is correct.

Finestreason · 27/10/2023 07:37

I love the Tatler article’s take on “Hmm?”

The fine art of delivery. 😅

I say “Sorry?” which seems to cover all bases.

Newrumpus · 27/10/2023 07:37

“What?” is the correct etiquette if you haven’t heard somebody. “Pardon?” is very working class and incorrect.

You what?!

So being working class is incorrect?

theduchessofspork · 27/10/2023 07:41

Chickenkeev · 27/10/2023 06:52

And tbh 'very working class'? I think you're completely wrong, but aside from that, really?????

She’s right, technically.

The proper response (were you to consult a trad etiquette guide) is either what or I beg your pardon. Pardon on it’s own was considered a working / lower middle class phrase.

Not that I think it matters, to be clear…

Newrumpus · 27/10/2023 07:41

@Spirro - Can you explain what you mean when you say ‘Pardon is really common’.

‘The’ is also common. Have you also censored the use of definite articles?

gotomomo · 27/10/2023 07:45

It's rude, I'm British - pardon is the correct word to use if you mishear something, with ok, yes etc appropriate in certain contexts. What is only to be used as part of a full sentence eg sorry I didn't hear what you said!

KimberleyClark · 27/10/2023 07:45

AfterWeights · 27/10/2023 05:22

Re "what" vs "pardon" i should add that as an adult I'd probably use neither & say "excuse me?"

I usually say “sorry?” if I have misheard or not caught what someone said. I only say “what” as an expression of incredulity.

gotomomo · 27/10/2023 07:49

As for what being correct according to Tatler, dp says that's complete rubbish, he is from that background and his mum would turn in her grave to think her kids were meant to use what now!

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/10/2023 07:56

Chickenkeev · 27/10/2023 06:49

Pardon is not 'working class' nor 'incorrect'. Ì would say it's just moving out of common parlance, so sounds a bit odd. It's quite old school (like my 94 year old granny)

Show quote history

Pardon is recognised as a sign of a working class upbringing. It's one of those words that flags up your background according to 'experts'

A bit like loo as opposed to toilet. Napkin as opposed to serviette.

Finestreason · 27/10/2023 07:58

“Children find it especially hard to deliver a polished ‘what’ and are extremely likely to appear spoilt and even thuggish.”

This is my experience being on the receiving end of “what?” from children. It usually comes across a bit incredulous rather than genuinely asking to re-hear something. It is also dependent on who the child is talking to, context driven, as another OP said. And understanding how it will fall on the recipient’s ears.

ButWhatIsIt · 27/10/2023 08:02

I usually respond with hello? If someone calls me and sorry if I don't hear what they said.

justalittlesnoel · 27/10/2023 08:07

I go between what / yes, or ignore depending who's calling!

Unless it's a dire emergency I think it's rude to be shouting peoples names out assuming they're just free to come to you, I tend to go and seek people out to speak to them. Obvious circumstances when you desperately need someone to quickly come to you aside.

I hated my mums endless shouting of "Noel" "Noeeel" "Noeeeeeeeeel" because she wanted to ask a question or opinion but couldn't be bothered to traverse the stairs to find me! Often I was reading / outside / in part of the house I couldn't hear her. Caused quite the upset when she'd feel ignore but I'd be in the garden, or more commonly, she'd been shouting the cats name instead.

Dee1224 · 27/10/2023 08:24

Thanks for sharing that article @Beenalongwinter - it’s very funny.

Dee1224 · 27/10/2023 08:25

@justalittlesnoel - shouting the cat’s name instead -classic 🤣

natura · 27/10/2023 08:25

I think two very different situations are getting collapsed together in this thread.

The whole what / sorry / pardon stuff in Tatler etc. is totally irrelevant here – when you call for someone in a house as the OP was asking about, they're not responding to ask you to repeat yourself, because you haven't said anything yet.

All you've done is call their name to get their attention, so when they say "What?", what they're actually saying is the start of the sentence "What do you want?". Or, if you're me, the sentence "What's happened to your legs?"

I still think "what" is pretty rude in that context, but then so is bellowing at someone and expecting them to come running, so...

Burnoutwhat · 27/10/2023 08:26

I'm British and I think it's rude

Loubelle70 · 27/10/2023 08:30

I think its subjective but id class it as rude. Ive raised my DD DGS manners. If answer phone, "heyup, you alright" etc...it depends if we have spoken that day already if so..we do the...long 'yarssss?' . However my daughter has aspergers and as soon as phone call done she puts phone down, no niceties 😂.. no see you or anything no extended goodbyes lol. Makes me chuckle. Ive pulled her up loads about it, she says once we have talked about what need to, thats it. But she is polite and has manners

MamaToABeautifulBoy · 27/10/2023 08:41

Chickenkeev · 27/10/2023 06:49

Pardon is not 'working class' nor 'incorrect'. Ì would say it's just moving out of common parlance, so sounds a bit odd. It's quite old school (like my 94 year old granny)

Show quote history

’Pardon’ is v working class! Like so many French words that the working classes adopted to give the impression one was of a higher social standing 😆 settee, serviette, lounge, etc.

Tealtoffee · 27/10/2023 08:42

I'm inclined to believe tone is the key.
I have never given it any thought - my kids were generally not the sulky, rude type...not until they hit their proper teen years and by that stage, their attitude is the issue and it's best to ignore it till they have emerged from the other side again.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 27/10/2023 08:52

MushMonster · 27/10/2023 07:34

Oh my God! That exactly happens between me and my DD!
I call her and she comes back with nothing or a what?
We have arrived to the compromise that she will come downstairs when I call her. Bwcause it used to be DD, what?, DD, what?.... I mean... I am calling you because I flipping need you here!
She also, when standing by me and I said to her to do something, she does not acknowledge, she says nothing. To me this is beyond rude, to her is normal- so she says....

Why would you not respond to her 'what' with 'come here please'? Rather than just keep shouting her name?! Of course she's not going to know what you want if you don't tell her!

But to OPs question, I don't think 'what' is particularly rude unless it's a snarled / exasperated tone. Do agree tone is difficult for kids sometimes so maybe it is best avoided by DC. I'd definitely use it with family, especially if it went Granny! Yes? Granny? Yes?! Granny? What?! Which seems to happen when I'm in the middle of something like showering or whatever that I can't just abandon to go and look for someone's socks... I mean, spit it out ffs! 😂

I probably wouldn't use it with a work colleague I'd probably respond with 'yes, I'm in the x room!' and stick my head out the door if someone was shouting for me at work. Or just yes? / yes what's up? if they were trying to get my attention in the same room.