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AIBU?

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Original poster

Cultural manners

307 replies

anareen · 27/10/2023 04:58

Having a discussion/debate

Is it rude for DC to say "what" when you call them?
I think it is. I teach DC to respond with "yes" when called. I grew up in Hispanic culture. Possibly this is a factor?

What are others input? Do you teach DC something along the same lines?

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 27/10/2023 09:00

I think it's rude to pick up a phone and say ¿diga? but clearly the Spanish don't agree with me. Grin

flyinginsect · 27/10/2023 09:21

SW England and I was taught to reply with 'yes' or 'sorry' because 'what' is rude and 'pardon' can be misconstrued (sarcastic, passive-aggressive)

sollenwir · 27/10/2023 09:23

It depends on how you have been brought up, some people won't think they are being rude by saying 'what?'. I think tone also matters.

ColleenDonaghy · 27/10/2023 09:24

natura · 27/10/2023 08:25

I think two very different situations are getting collapsed together in this thread.

The whole what / sorry / pardon stuff in Tatler etc. is totally irrelevant here – when you call for someone in a house as the OP was asking about, they're not responding to ask you to repeat yourself, because you haven't said anything yet.

All you've done is call their name to get their attention, so when they say "What?", what they're actually saying is the start of the sentence "What do you want?". Or, if you're me, the sentence "What's happened to your legs?"

I still think "what" is pretty rude in that context, but then so is bellowing at someone and expecting them to come running, so...

Some people so desperate to show that they know what's upper class it's affecting their reading comprehension Grin

HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 27/10/2023 09:29

GHSP · 27/10/2023 05:13

British. Rudeness is context-dependent.

for some families it is rude to say what, others not. If you mishear and need someone to repeat themselves then my children know that ‘what’ is more polite than ‘pardon’. But others are taught the opposite!

When called I wouldn’t object to the children saying ‘what’ unless it was in a snarky tone. Others would.

Pardon is much politer than what. And if you didn't hear then pardon is surely the correct thing to say?

Whataretheodds · 27/10/2023 09:29

If someone yells at me from another room I assume they're trapped under something heavy or other similar emergency, so I'd expect them to get on with what they're saying.

If I respond with "what" or "pardon" I'm just inviting them to yell at me from afar again, more loudly.

sollenwir · 27/10/2023 09:33

HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 27/10/2023 09:29

Pardon is much politer than what. And if you didn't hear then pardon is surely the correct thing to say?

Show quote history

Only if you have been brought up with that mindset, which many people haven't.
Aren't we just looking for another criteria to judge people by, something that's out with their control?

Dweetfidilove · 27/10/2023 09:33

In my family it’s ‘yes ma’am/auntie etc - a dry ‘yes’ is questionable and ‘what’ is unheard of.

Pineapplesnowbells · 27/10/2023 09:36

Mamette · 27/10/2023 07:31

I’m Irish and I have never heard anyone say that “yes” is rude.

Do you mean you say “what?” when someone calls you?

I definitely say “yes?” when called (except when it’s the 10000th “muuuuuum” from the dc. Then I say WHAT!! Is. It - but I think that’s normal 😆

Show quote history

I think you misunderstood the pp. She was saying that 'what?' (In response to being called) is rude and that she was always told to use 'yes?' instead.

GnomeDePlume · 27/10/2023 09:37

Etiquette and good manners are two different things.

Etiquette is a set of rules which are really arbitrary and particular to a social group - pardon/sorry/what may each be rude or polite depending on the social group.

Good manners are about making others feel comfortable or considered.

Good manners may mean following etiquette so as not to make another person feel uncomfortable. Sometimes etiquette needs to be put aside so as to show good manners.

A good example I heard about years ago:

Prince Philip was hosting a meal, one of the guests was Lady Tebbit (late wife of Norman Tebbit, she was seriously injured in the Brighton bombing). She was struggling to eat one of the courses because she couldnt manage it with the cutlery so was eating with her fingers. Prince Philip spotted this and did the same. He changed the etiquette to be a well mannered host.

CurlewKate · 27/10/2023 09:39

The proper old fashioned posh response to not hearing someone is "What?" in a polite tone. Never, ever "Pardon?" Ever.

sashagabadon · 27/10/2023 09:41

What is posh, pardon is common so I’ve heard. So posh English always say what

natura · 27/10/2023 09:41

ColleenDonaghy · 27/10/2023 09:24

Some people so desperate to show that they know what's upper class it's affecting their reading comprehension Grin

Show quote history

Good old Mumsnet - don't ever let the actual facts / question in the OP get in the way... 😂

ampel · 27/10/2023 09:44

If someone was calling me I’d probably say yes, but I wouldn’t find it rude if someone said what unless it was delivered rudely. It’s not a rude word in itself. It’s the attitude that makes it rude.

DeliahSmilah · 27/10/2023 09:44

Pardon is awful to the extent that it's one of the things I've told the children to ignore from the HT. A simple what? As in what do you say? Is much preferable. (See also lounge, serviette, toilet etc.)

PurpleChrayne · 27/10/2023 09:46

Rude in English.

My bilingual DD responds "yes?" to me, but the Hebrew equivalent of "what?" to DH.

RomeoandJomeo · 27/10/2023 09:48

Sheisready · 27/10/2023 05:33

“What?” is the correct etiquette if you haven’t heard somebody. “Pardon?” is very working class and incorrect.

I don’t think this is what OP is getting at though. She’s talking about how to respond when called, I think.

(I am from a working class background and in these cases, “what?” sounds rude. I would use “sorry?” and “yes?”).

I had one grandparent correct me if I said "what" because it's rude, and another correct me if I said "pardon" because it's common. These days I usually go for "come again".

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 27/10/2023 09:51

having a problem with a light hearted ‘what’ is petty.

Laurdo · 27/10/2023 09:53

I wouldn't find it rude. I think it also depends on the tone though. Obviously an exasperated "Whaaaat?", like they can't be bothered with you would be rude but generally "what?" would be fine in my book.

I'm Scottish is that makes any difference. Don't tend to conform to British customs.

KevinDeBrioche · 27/10/2023 09:55

we were taught 'what?' or 'I beg your pardon'. NEVER 'pardon'. MIL says it all the time - as well as HKLP - and it really grates on me.

ColleenDonaghy · 27/10/2023 09:59

KevinDeBrioche · 27/10/2023 09:55

we were taught 'what?' or 'I beg your pardon'. NEVER 'pardon'. MIL says it all the time - as well as HKLP - and it really grates on me.

Well, no one who holds their knife incorrectly could possibly be worth knowing. Hmm

Wonkasworld · 27/10/2023 09:59

I'm reminded of when we would address somebody as "she", when we were kids. Our mothers would say "who's she. The cat's mother"?

LoobyDop · 27/10/2023 10:02

What is rude, pardon is naff. Naff is worse than rude 😀

Ironfloor269 · 27/10/2023 10:02

I was brought up in a south-east Asian country where children have to basically worship parents on a daily basis, respect elders, are to be seen and not heard etc.

We were taught to reply with "coming" if called by a parent! And drop everything we were doing and run to them.

asleep · 27/10/2023 10:05

Well slap me with bread and call me a sandwich.

I've just found out I'm working class.

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