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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cultural manners

307 replies

anareen · 27/10/2023 04:58

Having a discussion/debate

Is it rude for DC to say "what" when you call them?
I think it is. I teach DC to respond with "yes" when called. I grew up in Hispanic culture. Possibly this is a factor?

What are others input? Do you teach DC something along the same lines?

OP posts:
Original poster
anareen · 27/10/2023 13:38

ButWhatIsIt · 27/10/2023 08:02

I usually respond with hello? If someone calls me and sorry if I don't hear what they said.

Oh! This is interesting! If I heard "hello" when responding to being called I may take it as passive aggressive..... I forgot about that one.

OP posts:
JaneJeffer · 27/10/2023 13:40

Good lad @StrangePaintName Grin

Original poster
anareen · 27/10/2023 13:41

justalittlesnoel · 27/10/2023 08:07

I go between what / yes, or ignore depending who's calling!

Unless it's a dire emergency I think it's rude to be shouting peoples names out assuming they're just free to come to you, I tend to go and seek people out to speak to them. Obvious circumstances when you desperately need someone to quickly come to you aside.

I hated my mums endless shouting of "Noel" "Noeeel" "Noeeeeeeeeel" because she wanted to ask a question or opinion but couldn't be bothered to traverse the stairs to find me! Often I was reading / outside / in part of the house I couldn't hear her. Caused quite the upset when she'd feel ignore but I'd be in the garden, or more commonly, she'd been shouting the cats name instead.

Assuming someone is shouting etc I agree. Anytime I say DC name even if in the same room I expect it to be met with "yes"?

OP posts:
BackAgainstWall · 27/10/2023 13:42

Very rude (from uk)

Original poster
anareen · 27/10/2023 13:44

Chickenkeev · 27/10/2023 05:17

It is a bit rude tbh. As pp said, tone is everything but when you're training them for the outside world, 'what' is not acceptable. You wouldn't want them saying it to a teacher or an employer.

I love this perspective on the subject. Full heartedly AGREE!

OP posts:
Original poster
anareen · 27/10/2023 14:21

DilemmaDelilah · 27/10/2023 07:20

I was brought up to know that 'what' is rude, and 'pardon' is common. I don't mean to offend anybody, but that is the case. 'Sorry' was acceptable, but a full phrase, e.g. 'I'm sorry, I didn't hear you' or 'Excuse me, I didn't hear what you said' both said whilst ensuring that you are within earshot of the speaker, were preferred. Nowadays when I can't hear my DH mumbling something from the living room (there's another bone of contention - I was brought up with drawing room, which we didn't have at the time, or sitting room - never EVER lounge or front room, hence the generic 'living room') when I am in the kitchen, I shout back 'I can't hear you', which he knows very well to be the case. And for others it is 'What did you say?' Or 'Sorry, what did you say' if I'm being extra polite.

AGREE! AGREE! AGREE! 🙌🏻

OP posts:
ampel · 27/10/2023 14:29

Chickenkeev · 27/10/2023 05:17

It is a bit rude tbh. As pp said, tone is everything but when you're training them for the outside world, 'what' is not acceptable. You wouldn't want them saying it to a teacher or an employer.

I don’t think anyone would bat an eyelid at someone saying what where I work (civil service). I’ve definitely had situations that go something like:
someone from another team: hello, I need help on X topic
my colleague: talk to ampel over there, she’s working on that
me, looking up upon hearing my name: what?

Original poster
anareen · 27/10/2023 14:29

MushMonster · 27/10/2023 07:34

Oh my God! That exactly happens between me and my DD!
I call her and she comes back with nothing or a what?
We have arrived to the compromise that she will come downstairs when I call her. Bwcause it used to be DD, what?, DD, what?.... I mean... I am calling you because I flipping need you here!
She also, when standing by me and I said to her to do something, she does not acknowledge, she says nothing. To me this is beyond rude, to her is normal- so she says....

Depending on age, if she thinks it's normal I would say the issue lies in the parenting.

OP posts:
Chickenkeev · 27/10/2023 14:33

ampel · 27/10/2023 14:29

I don’t think anyone would bat an eyelid at someone saying what where I work (civil service). I’ve definitely had situations that go something like:
someone from another team: hello, I need help on X topic
my colleague: talk to ampel over there, she’s working on that
me, looking up upon hearing my name: what?

Show quote history

IDK, i'd find it a bit odd but again, tone is everything. And relationship. But in general terms, i think i'd be teaching kids to speak more politely. If they develop more relaxed habits then cool, but these things take time. The default is usually the more polite stuff ime.

Original poster
anareen · 27/10/2023 14:33

natura · 27/10/2023 08:25

I think two very different situations are getting collapsed together in this thread.

The whole what / sorry / pardon stuff in Tatler etc. is totally irrelevant here – when you call for someone in a house as the OP was asking about, they're not responding to ask you to repeat yourself, because you haven't said anything yet.

All you've done is call their name to get their attention, so when they say "What?", what they're actually saying is the start of the sentence "What do you want?". Or, if you're me, the sentence "What's happened to your legs?"

I still think "what" is pretty rude in that context, but then so is bellowing at someone and expecting them to come running, so...

Break down is perfect, THANK YOU!

I suppose I should have clarified in my post.

I am guilty of raising my voice from the other room from time to time. However, I am normally in close proximity and I expect to be met with "yes"? whenever I say DC name.

OP posts:
Oganesson118 · 27/10/2023 14:35

I think it depends on the tone rather than the word. If you said "yes" in a snappy or exasperated way that would be much ruder than a neutral "what?"

ampel · 27/10/2023 14:39

Chickenkeev · 27/10/2023 14:33

IDK, i'd find it a bit odd but again, tone is everything. And relationship. But in general terms, i think i'd be teaching kids to speak more politely. If they develop more relaxed habits then cool, but these things take time. The default is usually the more polite stuff ime.

Show quote history

That’s the thing, I wouldn’t consider it impolite or too relaxed. It’s a normal, neutral word IMO. I find it very strange that people get so worked up about a standard question word.

JudgeJ · 27/10/2023 14:42

AfterWeights · 27/10/2023 05:22

Re "what" vs "pardon" i should add that as an adult I'd probably use neither & say "excuse me?"

Or channel your inner Manuel and say Que? Can't do the upside down ? !

Original poster
anareen · 27/10/2023 14:42

maratara · 27/10/2023 11:48

Australian here. Mind is blown. I was always taught that "pardon" was much more polite than "what " or "sorry" if you didn't hear someone. . Literally in shock at this thread!!!

I agree that "pardon" is more polite. However, the comments have misconstrued my post.

OP posts:
Chickenkeev · 27/10/2023 14:42

ampel · 27/10/2023 14:39

That’s the thing, I wouldn’t consider it impolite or too relaxed. It’s a normal, neutral word IMO. I find it very strange that people get so worked up about a standard question word.

Show quote history

I'd be similar, but an office is full of all sorts. So best to stick the more formal til you get the lie of the land at least.

Sceptre86 · 27/10/2023 14:42

Yes but I'm asian. We were taught to ask , 'yes?'. I've taught my kids the same. We also don't shout each other from across rooms. My mum hated it if we did that and it stuck. I thinks it's about showing respect in the way you address others and will hopefully be reciprocated.

Tomatina · 27/10/2023 14:50

I'd say 'yes?' at work or with guests, but 'what?' at home with close family - it's not rude, just casual. But tone is everything!

ampel · 27/10/2023 14:53

Chickenkeev · 27/10/2023 14:42

I'd be similar, but an office is full of all sorts. So best to stick the more formal til you get the lie of the land at least.

Show quote history

But yes isn’t any more formal! Only on MN have I heard people have any sort of objection to what. It’s just a word, that gets used all the time. It’s not like using slang or text speak or something.

Chickenkeev · 27/10/2023 14:58

ampel · 27/10/2023 14:53

But yes isn’t any more formal! Only on MN have I heard people have any sort of objection to what. It’s just a word, that gets used all the time. It’s not like using slang or text speak or something.

Show quote history

I'd consider it to be a bit informal. It only takes one dickhead to cause hassle for you when you're in your probation period. So imo best to behave beyond reproach at the start.

Leftinlimbo · 27/10/2023 15:16

As others have mentioned, I was taught to say 'what' rather than 'pardon' as a child but I am now aware that that is very old school and I tend not to say either these days, favouring sorry or something similar. I still believe that 'what' is more correct but tone is very important.

1990thatsme · 27/10/2023 15:16

I don’t think I would respond at all if someone said my name in close proximity, I would just wait for them to finish their sentence. I would probably turn towards them. My DC the same I think.

If I can’t hear someone, I was brought up to say “sorry, what?” My mother would have had a fit if we had said “pardon “ which was considered dreadful.

CurlewKate · 27/10/2023 15:26

" I can imagine in posher areas like Morningside and places in the Highlands "pardon" would be said"

No it wouldn't. Posh Scots would say "What?" Just like posh English people!

Chickenkeev · 27/10/2023 15:27

@1990thatsme i would have thought pardon was v posh/formal!

CurlewKate · 27/10/2023 15:27

But if called a child, I would expect the response "Coming!"

1990thatsme · 27/10/2023 15:28

Chickenkeev · 27/10/2023 15:27

@1990thatsme i would have thought pardon was v posh/formal!

Gosh no darling, common as muck!! 😂