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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I pay for everything in relationship

480 replies

Mydogisamentalist · 26/10/2023 09:25

I’m annoyed. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half (we don’t live together but have talked about moving in together in the future). I’m finding that I’m repeatedly paying for nearly everything and it’s really starting to grate.

He claims to be completely skint. I do believe him. I know he uses food banks to feed himself, lives with family and doesn’t earn enough after paying off various debts to finance a place of his own. He’s very focussed on clearing the debt but it can be almost like tunnel vision and I feel like I'm paying for him so he can clear his debt faster. As I said I do believe him (seen the food bank vouchers etc) but I find if he absolutely needs to find the money for something he does manage it. Which makes me wonder…

Example, yesterday we went out for a date night. Pub and cinema, nothing extravagant. I had a discount voucher for said pub but was also aware the pub would be more expensive than the cinema so I said upfront I’d pay for food. I also paid for food the week before so technically it was his turn but in my head I’d thought/hoped he’d pay for the cinema and I’d have been fine with that!

Got to the cinema and he needed the toilet so I went to queue for tickets while he went to pee. Bit narked. He got out of the toilet. It still wasn’t my turn to pay and instead of coming to join me in the queue he hung back by the wall. Went to pay and the film we were going to see was full so I needed him to come and decide on another film/showing so called him over. He was standing right there and didn’t make any attempt or offer to pay for anything! He also requested a drink and while I don’t like to feel petty… it just really wound me up.

This situation is common. Maybe once in every four date nights he will pay for food. When that happens I will stay pay for the cinema/mini golf/whatever else we are doing. He never pays for both.

I think this week it’s bothering me a bit more than normal. It’s my birthday on the weekend. Last year my birthday was abysmal and a large part of that was caused by him. It’s in the past now and I know he is genuinely sorry but I spent my last birthday crying all day because of how he treated me.
We have plans for a night away going to my absolute favourite place… sounds lovely but you’ve guessed it… so far everything has been organised and paid for by me. I’ve paid for the hotel, the travel, activity entry and he hasn’t offered any of those things. I’m torn because it was my choice to go and do this and he probably would never have picked it if he had to arrange something due to the cost, but not even picking up the tab for one of those things has left a bad taste in my mouth.
He has said that he plans on paying for food for us both while we are away and has a particular restaurant planned. I think if he comes through with that I’ll be happy. It won’t be completely even but it will show consideration and it will be a lot more even than it is now! I’m just concerned that we will get there and he won’t, or he won’t offer immediately and it will be awkward. I’m just very concerned I’m going to be paying for everything this weekend on top of the expense I’ve already forked out and I’ll feel worthless and like I don’t deserve any effort.

I can’t work out if aibu or not because of his financial situation. Am I? How do I navigate this!?

OP posts:
NorthStarRising · 26/10/2023 11:55

You don’t have a boyfriend, you have a gigalo.
So if you’re paying for his services, make sure you have a list of expectations that balance his side of the deal. Fabulous sex, thoughtful gestures, massages, poetry reading constant positive reinforcement from him…whatever you feel you need from a relationship you are paying for.

Crinkle77 · 26/10/2023 11:55

I've been in this situation OP. He will constantly be skint and the debts will never go away. It won't get any better.

sandyhappypeople · 26/10/2023 11:56

Mydogisamentalist · 26/10/2023 10:01

I’m very torn because I can see both sides. I grew up with parents not having much money. Empty cupboards, not having clothes replaced quite as often as needed etc. I’m very aware that if you don’t have the money you can’t magic it out of thin air.
I do find though, that if an emergency bill comes up or if he absolutely desperately needs something he can find the money somehow. From my experiences of being skint that’s not how it worked. When I’ve been hard up in the past there were no back ups. It was go without.

He wasn’t quite as bad at the beginning but I still paid for a lot more. I have legitimate fears about this weekend because there have been previous nights away where I did end up paying for everything. Actually I don’t think he’s ever really full on treated me. He’s paid for meals out here and there but I’ve still always picked up the bigger cost. I don’t think it’s ever happened where we’ve gone out and he’s paid for everything like I did last night.

I love him. I really do and I don’t doubt that he feels the same way. I guess I really wanted him to make this birthday up to me for the shit show that was last year. I’m not feeling hopeful he’s going to do that and it’s making me sad and anxious before I’ve even gone.

I’m very aware that if you don’t have the money you can’t magic it out of thin air.

You don't magic it out of thin air, you work for it.. YOU know that, obviously, he knows that, but it sounds to me like he may be one of those 'bare minimum' people, who are happy to do as little as possible just to get by.. that includes how they treat their respective partners, they do JUST enough to keep you from walking away, and you're setting the bar very low for him (I'd have left after the birthday card excuse).

I just couldn't be with someone like that personally, because the lack of effort and care would erode any feelings I'd got for them. Does he ever cook for you or treat you in ways that don't cost any extra money?

I feel for you OP as you obviously love him, but thinking about it very simply, do you see yourself being able to build a life with him?

babyproblems · 26/10/2023 11:56

Couldn’t read beyond the cinema queue. What are you with him for? I’d never continue a relationship beyond one or two dates with someone who was a) clearly so so terrible with money b) so unromantic. Don’t you just feel used?? I mean if you’d said he will be debt free in three months ok maybe see how he is after that but even that to me would be an absolute no go! What do you think is going to happen here? You stay together and finally rent somewhere, you pay all. You get pregnant, you pay all. I mean it’s got no good ending at all. Definitely run a mile and definitely definitely don’t be silly enough to get pregnant because you’ll be on your own. X

ChilledBeez · 26/10/2023 11:57

Reading this I feel it all comes down to how desperate you are to be in a relationship. He's an unreliable mooch. Why would you even bother with him? The incident at the cinema would have been my line in the sand. Ended.

StrongBlackExpresso · 26/10/2023 11:57

Please get rid OP. He is a taker and I've been there and done that. It cost me thousands. I'm so glad we ended but it was hard. You deserve better.

LookItsMeAgain · 26/10/2023 11:59

Whoopsadaisydownagain · 26/10/2023 09:32

Your relationship isn't girlfriend/ boyfriend , it's giver/ taker .
I could be with someone who earns less than me , has less disposable income etc.
But to pay for everything the majority of the time ? No thanks , bin him off .
Be wiser and richer !

I hate to say it but this poster has nailed the situation based on your opening post @Mydogisamentalist .

If you see this relationship going anywhere, you need to have a conversation with him and say that the current situation is not sustainable so he has to do something about that.

I genuinely hope I'm wrong here but I can't see it lasting much longer.

Isheabastard · 26/10/2023 12:01

I think he is using you to pay off his debts.

It may not be deliberate, but if you haven’t complained and seem happy to pay for everything, he might just think he lucked in. He may or may not be using you. It’s possible he cares for you and will start paying out if you let him know how you really feel.

Im afraid it means a serious sit down chat. You could phrase it as you are going through financial difficulties yourself and can’t afford to pay all the time. You could also offer to help him budget his finances.

The only way to know for sure would be to know how much he is putting towards his debt each month. If he’s a good’un he’ll offer to let you see everything.

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 26/10/2023 12:01

He could get help with his debts and their management and nobody can just can't keep popping to the food banks for food, as most have referral schemes and will stop after giving out a fixed number of parcels, as it is not an option for saving money, but for those without any! CAB, Step Change will help and he needs to be talking to someone to deal with the debts and not simply failing putting his hand in his pocket, as that's behaviour that will continue. He is treating you as a meal ticket and that does not bode well for the future at all!

KirstenBlest · 26/10/2023 12:04

@Mydogisamentalist , assuming that you have a dog from your username, that's what your boyfriend is. Like with your dog, you pay for everything in return for company and affection..

we don’t live together but have talked about moving in together in the future ... I’m finding that I’m repeatedly paying for nearly everything and it’s really starting to grate.

Don't let him move in and don't get pregnant. He'll be a cocklodger and will probably do a runner when you ask him to pay his way.

roarrfeckingroar · 26/10/2023 12:04

You're doing an awful lot of things that aren't cheap - cinema, mini golf, drinks and meals out, weekend away - and he's using food banks to eat. He can't afford this lifestyle. You either suck up paying ( I would find this deeply unattractive ), do cheaper things like going for walks or evenings in, or leave him.

DoubleTime · 26/10/2023 12:07

Even if he does pay for that meal whilst you are away for the weekend - would that really be enough now ? STOP discussing him moving in, and START going out with other friends who pay their own way. If he wants to see you, stick to zero/low cost activities like going for a walk, cooking a meal together at home and watching Netflix/a dvd. And wait see what he does....

Readingineading · 26/10/2023 12:08

Jesus, its like reading about myself 30 years ago...........
He never improved. In fact he became abusive. I moved in with him, my paying 50% of everything morphed into me paying 90% of everything while he hoarded money in his savings ( didnt find that out until after Id left, he told me he had a loan and was helping out an ill family member....). He also tried to get a car in credit in my name but I refused to sign ( of course the payments were coming out of my account. I couldnt even drive then. ) 9 months we lived together. He had all of my savings- about £3000plus . My last month I was only eating at work ( meal was included as 12 hour shifts ) because he had to send the housekeeping money to help family ( bollocks, he was in fact eating out during the day)
Fucking run op !

MeMySonAnd1 · 26/10/2023 12:09

Op, why would you burden yourself and future children with a man who is shit at managing his money?

Mind you, keep him as a good friend or even a friend with benefits if you enjoy his company, but do not ever move together or merge finances as he will bring you down to your knees and if you have children you will condemn them to a life of poverty.

You may love him, but I am pretty sure he loves you because you make him feel safe and secure but honestly… but who who wouldn’t feel loved and secure with a partner that turns away from facing his relentless irresponsibility with money and even make up for it? Where is his dignity? Where is his respect for you? Why he doesn’t feel bad about sponging you? Does he assume he is doing enough by keeping you company so therefore you should pay most of the time? If you are affluent you can be his sugar mommy but don’t become one if you can not afford it.

You are going out because you are paying, I bet that if you say you don’t have the money for going out he will move his attention to romantic nights in (for the sex and free food he would probably be getting) but when is it going to be his turn to be there for you?

Break the cycle, you don’t need a man who earns more than you or the same as you, you just need a man who is responsible with his money and who sees you as a team where he puts in as much as he takes.

XiCi · 26/10/2023 12:09

Testina · 26/10/2023 10:04

Oh come on, don’t be such a fool.
He’s a grown man, working, and living with family.
He does not need to use a foodbank!
I’m well aware that debt can take up disposable income, but there are ways to restructure debt.
He is choosing to use a foodbank, to avoid spending his own money.
To me, that’s exactly the same as stealing from a charity collection at work.
Foodbanks are charities for hungry people and he taking that food away from them.

Just as he takes your money away from him.

Just how many red flags do you need? He ruined your birthday a year ago and you’re still paying for this scam artist.

Take the money you spend on him and put it towards therapy for you on why you’re so desperate to have a boyfriend that you’re accepting this. That will pay you back many times over.

This 100% . Read it again OP, and again and again. Then dump this pathetic user. If you don't he will leech of you for the rest of your life.

lalaloopyhead · 26/10/2023 12:12

How old are you both OP? I would advise to not tie yourself to this person by moving in with him until at the very least he has cleared his debts and is showing some financial responsbility.
If you don't want to pay for everything (understandable) but want to stay with him, just find inexpensive/free things to do to spend time together. That in itself is a sacrifice if you want to be off out and having fun.
Do you know what his debts are for and how much? If you are considering a life together you do really need this information to make an informed choice.
Its not as straight forward as dumping someone because they don't have money - but if it means your lifestyles and income don't align to some degree it will make things difficult.

KookyAndSpooky · 26/10/2023 12:12

I voted YABU. You are unreasonable for putting up with this shit when you've got no skin in the game. He is not in a situation where he can afford to be in a relationship. He's using you. No decent human would agree to have their dates funded in this way. They would refuse to go out unless they could afford to go halves. Up your standards!

tennesseewhiskey1 · 26/10/2023 12:12

Sorry OP - you need to throw this one back. Find someone who treats you as an equal and not as a cash machine.

PoliticallyIncorrectHitchling · 26/10/2023 12:12

RUN!!
He is using you as his ATM, dont waste your time on him.

Supersimkin2 · 26/10/2023 12:14

Mate, you might be being had a little.

He’s using not having money, which is a perfectly valid reason not to do something, to treat you badly, and there’s no excuse for that. He hasn’t treated you well either in the huge bits of the relationship that are cash-free zones.

Clincher: He hasn’t done any of the nice relationship stuff that’s free. No birthday card? I bet he played the pity card.

Layofftheeyecontact · 26/10/2023 12:15

He actually disgusts me! He is using food banks so he can pay off his debts!Food banks are for people in dire straits! Who cannot afford the basics. As a pp said, no debt company would leave him with not enough to eat. Or to get your girlfriend nice birthday. Ditch.

Hibye23289 · 26/10/2023 12:17

No no and fucking no! I am a soft person, recently split up from husband due to his gambling and always getting us into financial messes and being skint and honestly you need to run! It is unnattractive, he will never be a team, the bills will fall to you to sort alongside the stress! It's pure ick vibes and if he can't afford these things then he shouldn't go in the first place, he is a freeloader. DO NOT move forward with the boy unless you want a hard life!

Pipsquiggle · 26/10/2023 12:19

Why is he in debt?

Good debt = paying off uni fees so he can get a higher paid job, he's starting out a promising fledgling business, he bought kit that will help him make his business more productive ........

Bad debt = gambling, poor financial decisions that could / should have been avoided....................

If it's bad debt you just need to dump him.

If it's good debt, you need to work out if it is the debt or if he is a sponger &/or a miser.

If he's a sponger / miser you need to dump him - your life will be miserable with him.

If it really is about clearing the good debt, then he really does need to put more effort into your relationship.

TBH he's not sounding great.

Totalwasteofpaper · 26/10/2023 12:19

I am with @Testina

YOU HAVE NO FUTURE WITH THIS MAN.

Free accommodation and free food... so his whole salary is being used to service debt/going into secret savings while you pay for his social life. It's total bullshit

You can never marry or have children with this guy. You can't build a life with him. I don't know how you can love a man that gives ZERO FUCKS about your financial security.

Run. Don't walk.

ShelleyPercy · 26/10/2023 12:20

In your other posts OP you say you are saving for a house deposit, you have kids, and this guy does not even please you sexually!

What exactly are you doing here? You have had plenty of advice on previous threads to let this one go, you clearly don't want to for some silly reason. Perhaps you like to be a martyr?

Get a grip, and then get to therapy. Think of your children.