I pay for everything in relationship

[Mydogisamentalist]

I’m annoyed. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half (we don’t live together but have talked about moving in together in the future). I’m finding that I’m repeatedly paying for nearly everything and it’s really starting to grate.

He claims to be completely skint. I do believe him. I know he uses food banks to feed himself, lives with family and doesn’t earn enough after paying off various debts to finance a place of his own. He’s very focussed on clearing the debt but it can be almost like tunnel vision and I feel like I'm paying for him so he can clear his debt faster. As I said I do believe him (seen the food bank vouchers etc) but I find if he absolutely needs to find the money for something he does manage it. Which makes me wonder…

Example, yesterday we went out for a date night. Pub and cinema, nothing extravagant. I had a discount voucher for said pub but was also aware the pub would be more expensive than the cinema so I said upfront I’d pay for food. I also paid for food the week before so technically it was his turn but in my head I’d thought/hoped he’d pay for the cinema and I’d have been fine with that!

Got to the cinema and he needed the toilet so I went to queue for tickets while he went to pee. Bit narked. He got out of the toilet. It still wasn’t my turn to pay and instead of coming to join me in the queue he hung back by the wall. Went to pay and the film we were going to see was full so I needed him to come and decide on another film/showing so called him over. He was standing right there and didn’t make any attempt or offer to pay for anything! He also requested a drink and while I don’t like to feel petty… it just really wound me up.

This situation is common. Maybe once in every four date nights he will pay for food. When that happens I will stay pay for the cinema/mini golf/whatever else we are doing. He never pays for both.

I think this week it’s bothering me a bit more than normal. It’s my birthday on the weekend. Last year my birthday was abysmal and a large part of that was caused by him. It’s in the past now and I know he is genuinely sorry but I spent my last birthday crying all day because of how he treated me.
We have plans for a night away going to my absolute favourite place… sounds lovely but you’ve guessed it… so far everything has been organised and paid for by me. I’ve paid for the hotel, the travel, activity entry and he hasn’t offered any of those things. I’m torn because it was my choice to go and do this and he probably would never have picked it if he had to arrange something due to the cost, but not even picking up the tab for one of those things has left a bad taste in my mouth.
He has said that he plans on paying for food for us both while we are away and has a particular restaurant planned. I think if he comes through with that I’ll be happy. It won’t be completely even but it will show consideration and it will be a lot more even than it is now! I’m just concerned that we will get there and he won’t, or he won’t offer immediately and it will be awkward. I’m just very concerned I’m going to be paying for everything this weekend on top of the expense I’ve already forked out and I’ll feel worthless and like I don’t deserve any effort.

I can’t work out if aibu or not because of his financial situation. Am I? How do I navigate this!?

why would his arm hurt too much to write a card? Is he disabled in some way?

Why does he use a foodbank, if he lives with family why don't they feed him, is there some story there?

Just stop paying for everything. No more dates unless he pays. No meals, no cinema, no nothing.

When I started seeing XH he had no money at all, so we stayed in and watched films. On his first weekend off, he took me on a lovely day out. I was with him for his company not for his money.

Maybe go on your birthday weekend and enjoy it, and then end it, or end it and take a friend with you instead.

But don't move in with him or have a child with him. He won't ever change, and he will never have any money.

If he is not doing his degrees or being accidentally in between jobs for a short time now, do your calculations and run. Too great difference between your lives and aims which would not lead to good things in future (or only in a very small % of cases, more likely that you would not be the lucky one).

Even when you don’t have much money you can still buy a cheap card and write it (unless both of your arms are in plaster - but you sound like a reasonable person who would have understood if that was the case!).

I would do what others have said and go away on your own - it will half your food bill. This doesn’t sound fair and I think if he still tried to do his fair share you wouldn’t be feeling this bad. It’s time to reevaluate and move on.

I hope you have a lovely weekend though x

And then he still didn’t buy one like come on. What a piece of shit

Honestly, do you see him changing once his debts are paid off? Do you think he's going to do a 180 turnaround and start showering you with gifts?
Not that that's a good thing, but at least will he pay his way? Is he generous with his time and effort?
I'm doubting it...

Absolute no brainer. Leave the guy, you deserve better. I don't care how nice he is, he should be ashamed he can't pay his own way. Stop being a sucker.

Yep I’m sure the cheapest ones I’ve seen recently are 39p. I mentioned the £1.49 card as he could have got that if he wanted to ‘splash out’ and get a nicely decorated card. He’s an arse

Why are you with this man @Mydogisamentalist?

Hahahahaha! You didn't seriously believe that?

He's mean and tight, he doesn't pay for things because he knows that you will. How do you know the food bank vouchers were his? He's living with family and working, he's got money. How much debt is he in and what percentage of his wage goes towards it?

You're being taken for a fool. Wtf do you love about him? He doesn’t seem likeable let alone loveable.

So it's ok for him to use food banks and and also take you to the cinema and out for food?? You need to catch yourself on.

Suggest you part company as you resent his choices so much. At least he's paying back his debts even if his money management is poor.

Hanging back when it's his turn to pay is sneaky lowlife behaviour. Expensive outings when you can't afford it and saying nothing but expecting someone else to pay for you is sneaky lowlife behaviour. He has shown you who he is, believe him.

@Mydogisamentalist
If he has no money, he has no money. Obviously , at some point in his life he was not adverse to spending, because he has debts.

If you don't want to pay for your all of your outings, either stay home or stop dating him. You might also have a conversation with him to discuss ways and activities to which he could contribute.

The bit about him deliberately hanging back at the cinema was bad enough but then ... his arm hurt too much to write a birthday card!!
Sorry, OP, but he is treating you with contempt. Respect yourself, raise your bar off the ground and ditch this utter, utter freeloading arsehole.

You are not worthless! However you are choosing to be with someone who makes you feel worthless. You really don't have to be in these situations that are making you feel so shit about yourself all for the sake the "love" you think you share together. This isn't love. If he loved you, you would feel secure about your upcoming trip. Because he would treat you with respect and communicate with you. There would be trust there. You don't trust him not to treat you badly when you are away. That's a big deal. I also think your standards are so low you think you love him because you just want to be with someone.

Please focus on your most important relationship. Yourself. You are worthy. Anyone who makes you feel like you are worthless should not be in your life.

I also fear the "restaurant" he has in mind is Greg's or at best Weatherspoons".

Go with someone who actually cares about you.

Do you have children OP? Are you spending money on him that could be spent on them ? Perhaps looking at it that way, will make it easier to stop paying for him all the time.

i was ready to be on the boyfriend's side in all honesty - if he has no money and is using food banks, how do you expect him to pay for cinema and meals? however, on your last birthday he didnt even bother to get you a card and made you cry? it's not the money thats the issue, its the boyfriend. if you had a broke boyfriend who respected you, did small things for you and tried to make you feel love within the means he has, you wouldn't be feeling so resentful. it's the boyfriend that is the issue, not the money.

You say you love him but it doesn't sound like there's a lot to love. Perhaps you like the idea of being in love and find it difficult to face the reality? No shame there, most if not all of us have done it at some stage - I certainly have! (But wised up eventually).

I suggest you either go on your birthday weekend with a friend, or take him with the firm resolution to make it your goodbye weekend if he doesn't step up and at least produce a birthday card and take you to the restaurant as promised. If it's the case he can't be bothered (sore arm again?!), enjoy the bits you can, and look forward to a better life just ahead.

If he is really so skint that he is using food banks, then no, he should not be paying for date nights, cinema tickets or weekends away.

Having said that, any self respecting person who was that skint would never expect someone else to fund these date nights, cinema trips or weekends away. They would simply suggest doing something else. Something free or almost free.

But as he has almost no costs, I don't really understand why he's using food banks. Is he actually just one of those people who find ways to make sure he has to pay as little as possible for anything and everything - so sponge of parents or family so no rent. Find a way to get food banks to give him food. A girlfriend to pay for treats. Is he even working because doesn't matter how much debt he has, if he's at least got a decent job he should be able to pay for his own food.

Ditch him. He's useless and pathetic.

It's not about spending money, it's about generosity of spirit. He couldn't even be arsed to write on your birthday card. That's contempt.

I also do not believe the debt thing.

One of my most favorite dates when I was a young woman was a walk around a snow covered lake/pond thing and then he made hot chocolate in a pan for us at home. We each had no money but he would pick me up a bar of chocolate because I liked it, run a bath for me, cook meals at home, make a cake for me, leave me little notes, stuff like that.

How much longer are you going to allow this? You are not worthless but being with him is making you feel it because he will not make even the slightest effort.

Do not take him away. Cancel or take a friend because you know it will be something that means he cannot pay for anything.

If he hasn’t got himself sorted out (money, career, security etc) he shouldn’t be looking for a partner. What’s the point, just wasting everyone’s time.

OP should get rid, otherwise they will be raising the manchild.

If your boyfriend is so hard up that he needs to use food banks, he can't afford date nights or weekends away.

Also, paying off his debt is a good thing but if he's ploughing a lot of excess income into paying off his debt faster than he strictly needs to and then using food banks, I don't know... I'm not sure people like him are really who food banks are intended for. If he has to be paying down his debt at the rate he is currently doing in order to avoid it getting exponentially bigger, OK, maybe using food banks could be justified, but I'm a bit iffy about this one.

Either way, he cannot afford to go to the pub or the cinema or on weekends away. If you want to do these things with him, you have to pay for them.

So now you need to decide. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone as skint as your boyfriend? How long will this situation continue? How long until he pays off his debt and has more disposable income? Does he bring joy to your life in other ways? Does he do things for you which don't cost money? Do you trust that when he has paid off his debt he will pull his weight financially in this relationship?

These are questions that only you can answer.

But unless his financial circumstances are short term, and you can see a time in the not too distant future when things will be different, it sounds like he is holding you back from having the kind of life that you want to have.

I'd also want to know how he got into this debt. If you are in debt that usually either means you earn such a low salary that you simply can't afford the cost of living, or you are shit at managing your money. Neither of those things would be an attractive prospect for me if I were looking at someone as a potential future husband and father of my children.

She's only got his word for it about the debts.

@Mydogisamentalist it's not just the money issue though is it? There's a lot of negatives with this man that far outweigh any short lived rare moments of happiness.

I can't understand why you are still with him after your other threads.
Why? Is it the fact you have put time and effort into it that you would feel it's a waste?

Do you want your DC to watch you waste your life on someone like this?

You really need to value yourself more.

If the debts exist ... he might bugger off when he's got disposable income! Then what?

Please just let him go.

YABU because you shouldn't put up with this shit

You "hoped" he would pay - just say something. Every time

He sounds like a taker and on those grounds alone I'd ditch him