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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I pay for everything in relationship

480 replies

Mydogisamentalist · 26/10/2023 09:25

I’m annoyed. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half (we don’t live together but have talked about moving in together in the future). I’m finding that I’m repeatedly paying for nearly everything and it’s really starting to grate.

He claims to be completely skint. I do believe him. I know he uses food banks to feed himself, lives with family and doesn’t earn enough after paying off various debts to finance a place of his own. He’s very focussed on clearing the debt but it can be almost like tunnel vision and I feel like I'm paying for him so he can clear his debt faster. As I said I do believe him (seen the food bank vouchers etc) but I find if he absolutely needs to find the money for something he does manage it. Which makes me wonder…

Example, yesterday we went out for a date night. Pub and cinema, nothing extravagant. I had a discount voucher for said pub but was also aware the pub would be more expensive than the cinema so I said upfront I’d pay for food. I also paid for food the week before so technically it was his turn but in my head I’d thought/hoped he’d pay for the cinema and I’d have been fine with that!

Got to the cinema and he needed the toilet so I went to queue for tickets while he went to pee. Bit narked. He got out of the toilet. It still wasn’t my turn to pay and instead of coming to join me in the queue he hung back by the wall. Went to pay and the film we were going to see was full so I needed him to come and decide on another film/showing so called him over. He was standing right there and didn’t make any attempt or offer to pay for anything! He also requested a drink and while I don’t like to feel petty… it just really wound me up.

This situation is common. Maybe once in every four date nights he will pay for food. When that happens I will stay pay for the cinema/mini golf/whatever else we are doing. He never pays for both.

I think this week it’s bothering me a bit more than normal. It’s my birthday on the weekend. Last year my birthday was abysmal and a large part of that was caused by him. It’s in the past now and I know he is genuinely sorry but I spent my last birthday crying all day because of how he treated me.
We have plans for a night away going to my absolute favourite place… sounds lovely but you’ve guessed it… so far everything has been organised and paid for by me. I’ve paid for the hotel, the travel, activity entry and he hasn’t offered any of those things. I’m torn because it was my choice to go and do this and he probably would never have picked it if he had to arrange something due to the cost, but not even picking up the tab for one of those things has left a bad taste in my mouth.
He has said that he plans on paying for food for us both while we are away and has a particular restaurant planned. I think if he comes through with that I’ll be happy. It won’t be completely even but it will show consideration and it will be a lot more even than it is now! I’m just concerned that we will get there and he won’t, or he won’t offer immediately and it will be awkward. I’m just very concerned I’m going to be paying for everything this weekend on top of the expense I’ve already forked out and I’ll feel worthless and like I don’t deserve any effort.

I can’t work out if aibu or not because of his financial situation. Am I? How do I navigate this!?

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 27/10/2023 15:25

Testina · 27/10/2023 15:04

It’s been 18 months and they haven’t had sex for 12 of those due to his ED and unwillingness to provide sexual pleasure for her in other ways. So I think the lust comment actually doesn’t apply here.

Not even a cocklodger!

Show quote history

What do we call a cocklodger minus the cock part?

He can't be a lodger, because lodgers pay their way.

KirstenBlest · 27/10/2023 15:28

A 'not-a-sausage'? I don't think he is a leech - it's probably OP running after him and offering him nights out and weekend away.

pinkyredrose · 27/10/2023 15:32

How long are you going to stay with this guy? It's hardly a functioning relationship is it.

I wonder what your surprise will be, maybe he's out there scoring some Viagra.

Even if it is the fact you had to ask for a suprise should make your fanny clamp shut.

Hermione101 · 27/10/2023 15:42

I despair at these types of posts when children are involved. A mother funding some loser who she should have tossed in the garbage ages ago to the detriment of her children. Never mind that OP is spending money that should be for her and her children on this loser, my skin crawls at the thought of such a character even being in these children's lives in some way. Just stay single!!!

DMNet · 27/10/2023 15:57

OP how would you feel if the relationship ended? Are you desperate to cling on to it, no matter what? Deep down, do you think you deserve better?

Laurdo · 27/10/2023 15:59

CocoPlum · 27/10/2023 13:24

Reading your OP I can't get past the fact that on your first birthday together, after 6 months, you cried because he treated you so badly, and a year later you're still with him.

And still has to spell out to him that she'd like a card and for him to make an effort for her birthday.

Pipsquiggle · 27/10/2023 16:04

OP has written 2 threads about her 'D'P

Every single answer on each thread says dump him. She can either choose to take this advice or not

@Mydogisamentalist let's say he is an unbelievable BF this weekend. He gets you a lovely, thoughtful gift, you have amazing sex, you don't pay for anything - fantastic, I hope this happens.
What if next week he returns back to normal - does 1 amazing weekend usurp 18 months of frankly appalling behaviour?

Please get your priorities in order

DelphiniumBlue · 27/10/2023 16:05

I don't understand why you think that somebody who is deep in debt and actually relying on food banks should or could be involved in paying for meals out/cinema trips etc. A meal out, even a cheap one, is going to cost not far short of a week's shopping.
But I do think DP is being cheeky to expect you to pay for him, let alone ask to be bought drinks.
He can't afford to do the sort of dates you are wanting, so either you pay or you don't go on those dates. But he shouldn't be accepting you paying, especially as you have children, surely a decent man wouldn't ponce off a single mother??
So it's either free dates, walks and so on, or more likely, call the whole thing off as this just sounds too problematic.

porridgeisbae · 27/10/2023 16:05

I wonder what your surprise will be, maybe he's out there scoring some Viagra.

Grin He's probably too far gone for that even. The boy needs therapy.

OP said on another thread he was getting some sort of phone counselling, but I think he needs to try a new therapist. Even NHS will let you try a different one.

DustSalad · 27/10/2023 16:07

@Whoopsadaisydownagain "Your relationship isn't girlfriend/ boyfriend , it's giver/ taker ."

Wow. I'm going to note that down for future reference. And it goes for people who take your time/energy as well as money.

Well bloody said!

porridgeisbae · 27/10/2023 16:28

Just catching up with OP's other threads. Sorry to highlight these things OP but-

If he needs something urgently he can find the money or pull it out of his savings and it doesn’t take long to get his savings back up. Basically because he’s saving I end up paying for everything

So, he has savings and he's still making use of a food bank to help him pay his debts off, rather than using them....nice!

I’m also saving for a house deposit.

So, this is taking something from your kids quality of life in a way. Because if you didn't have to pay for most stuff when out with this bloke, you'd be further towards you and your kids having your own place.

His boss has effectively just given him a few hundred as a bonus and he’s happy because he now has enough for a rental deposit

What happened to this idea?

@Mydogisamentalist Have you only discovered the extent of this alleged debt etc in the last few months? (I.e he wasn't honest for over a year, while leading you to believe he'd soon get his own place.) Or has he only just accumulated it?

I’ve told him I want to see a sex therapist with him and he has agreed and is sorting it so that’s something.

Did anything come of this promise he made?

It sounds like he claimed to you that some things were going to happen, such as him getting his own place, or getting professional help for the sex, but he hasn't.

I text him shortly after starting this thread. I said I was starting to feel resentful of paying for everything

So you already told him this, five months ago, but he's still doing it.

I couldn’t quite believe it when he asked me if I’d got there. I was honest and said no. He then said well you could have lied and I told him he could touch me to get me there. Well he said he would when had come around a bit. Ten minutes later he does but it’s awful. There’s no care in it, he didn’t even look at me. Just put his hand down there while lying on his back looking at the ceiling and going at it incredibly roughly. It hurt. I faked to make him stop and lay there awake the rest of the night feeing absolutely devastated that he couldn’t be bothered to try and make the first sex we’d had in months nice for both of us.

This is so depressing OP. I had a 'worst "sex" ever' experience. Not painful but too flaccid for sex and no effort. I didn't see the bloke again. You can do better, you really can.

hwaclanhdead · 27/10/2023 16:43

Testina · 27/10/2023 15:04

It’s been 18 months and they haven’t had sex for 12 of those due to his ED and unwillingness to provide sexual pleasure for her in other ways. So I think the lust comment actually doesn’t apply here.

Not even a cocklodger!

Show quote history

Oh hell.
It's him again!!!
Ffs

DriftingDora · 27/10/2023 17:10

pinkyredrose · 27/10/2023 15:32

How long are you going to stay with this guy? It's hardly a functioning relationship is it.

I wonder what your surprise will be, maybe he's out there scoring some Viagra.

Even if it is the fact you had to ask for a suprise should make your fanny clamp shut.

Blimey, he'd have to pay for some Viagra, so that'd be a 'no go' (if you'll pardon the expression). Oh, no, of course - he'd ask the OP to pay for it, silly me.

And meanwhile, back in the real world, OP is still unable to explain how this prince of a man can 'pay for everything' on their weekend away, whilst still conning food bank vouchers from somewhere. Still, as long as he says he'll pay (low flying elephants in the sky approaching..) she's not bothered about the people who really need food banks. Know what, OP? You two deserve each other.

pinkyredrose · 27/10/2023 17:45

I couldn’t quite believe it when he asked me if I’d got there. I was honest and said no. He then said well you could have lied and I told him he could touch me to get me there. Well he said he would when had come around a bit. Ten minutes later he does but it’s awful. There’s no care in it, he didn’t even look at me. Just put his hand down there while lying on his back looking at the ceiling and going at it incredibly roughly. It hurt. I faked to make him stop and lay there awake the rest of the night feeing absolutely devastated that he couldn’t be bothered to try and make the first sex we’d had in months nice for both of us.

And you stayed with him after that?

pinkyredrose · 27/10/2023 17:49

Op why don't you give yourself a birthday present and admit that this relationship isn't working. No matter how much you think there's a decent guy in there somewhere it just isn't working. No amount of justifying his actions is going to make it a wonderful relationship.

He's shown you who he is. Please stop torturing yourself.

sandyhappypeople · 27/10/2023 18:34

Mydogisamentalist · 26/10/2023 12:48

I really just want to point out I’m not grabby. I don’t expect to have everything paid for me all the time. I just wanted to feel treated on my birthday. I wanted him to maybe do some of the organising, to feel like he’d thought about the type of things I like and made some kind of plan. I guess to put some thought into it. I’m excited to go but it doesn’t exactly feel like a treat. I’ve planned, booked, paid and arranged it all myself. Just asked him to secure the days off which was a bit of a pain in itself.

His debt and living situation is very outing. The best way I can put it is he’s like an unwanted lodger. He’s not living with close family and it’s not a nice situation to be in.

I have spoken to him about it and he’s said he will pay for everything when we are there and that he’s been working extra hours to be able to afford it.

He’s not exactly the villain he’s been made out to be but I do think he can find it difficult to see how his actions affect other people. I just don’t know.

His debt and living situation is very outing. The best way I can put it is he’s like an unwanted lodger. He’s not living with close family and it’s not a nice situation to be in.

is he living with family OP or with a previous partner?

TiredButDancing · 27/10/2023 18:48

sandyhappypeople · 27/10/2023 18:34

His debt and living situation is very outing. The best way I can put it is he’s like an unwanted lodger. He’s not living with close family and it’s not a nice situation to be in.

is he living with family OP or with a previous partner?

Show quote history

I'm starting to think he's my exBIL. If he is, even more reason to RUN OP.

Original poster
Mydogisamentalist · 27/10/2023 19:35

I don’t know why I’m bothering as everyone has just decided I’m some villainous idiot without a brain cell, who doesn’t put her kids needs first… but some answers:

He does work. He actually works very long hours in a job that doesn’t pay very well. He can get cash advances for completing certain jobs though. That’s how he’s found the money for the weekend.

The reason I didn’t post about the sex situation is because it’s moved on a lot from there. He tried a few types of viagra. After the night mentioned above he went back to the doctor and tried another type. It caused some kind of episode which the doctor was concerned about. It was quite scary, I thought I’d need to call an ambulance. It’s not my medical information to tell but the conclusion was there’s a medical reason for the erectile dysfunction. In order for it to ‘work’ again he needs surgery. Which he’s waiting for. Since the summer he has been a lot more thoughtful in that department.

No he’s not living with a previous partner.

He does have an exbil so he maybe he is @TiredButDancing

OP posts:
tuvamoodyson · 27/10/2023 19:48

Debts and fines?? What a catch! No wonder you want to hang onto him…

adriftinadenofvipers · 27/10/2023 20:11

Mydogisamentalist · 27/10/2023 19:35

I don’t know why I’m bothering as everyone has just decided I’m some villainous idiot without a brain cell, who doesn’t put her kids needs first… but some answers:

He does work. He actually works very long hours in a job that doesn’t pay very well. He can get cash advances for completing certain jobs though. That’s how he’s found the money for the weekend.

The reason I didn’t post about the sex situation is because it’s moved on a lot from there. He tried a few types of viagra. After the night mentioned above he went back to the doctor and tried another type. It caused some kind of episode which the doctor was concerned about. It was quite scary, I thought I’d need to call an ambulance. It’s not my medical information to tell but the conclusion was there’s a medical reason for the erectile dysfunction. In order for it to ‘work’ again he needs surgery. Which he’s waiting for. Since the summer he has been a lot more thoughtful in that department.

No he’s not living with a previous partner.

He does have an exbil so he maybe he is @TiredButDancing

You're the one who posted the thread, and you're the one painting the picture...

I don't know why posters are bothering to interact with you any more because everything people advise you, you start making excuses for him.

Debt, fines, you pay for everything - and you're not even getting decent sex; he has no consideration of you in bed.

But listen, you do you. Cling on desperately to this peach of a man who is just using you, and is too fucking lazy to sign a birthday card for you. You're actually mad.

Have a read of the thread about "it's me or the dog"... can't remember what it's called - but there's a lady who knows her worth.

Mythoughts1 · 27/10/2023 20:21

This guy sounds like he could have an addiction such as gambling. But you are choosing to put up with him so I agree with what someone else said and consider therapy. You sound like a decent person who deserves better.

porridgeisbae · 27/10/2023 20:24

No one thinks you're a villain OP. We just think you and your LOs can do better. x

I had 2 lovers over the years with ED of mostly physical cause. What a waste of time that was. The likelihood he'll get back his sexual function could be low. It's good he's putting in a bit more effort though.

Hey ho, see you back here in a few months/years I guess OP.

Pipsquiggle · 27/10/2023 20:54

@Mydogisamentalist
Literally no one thinks you're a villain.

We all, and I mean ALL of US, think you should dump him

ellie09 · 27/10/2023 21:00

I had an ex boyfriend who was in £35k of debt and was paying this off.

I didn't think much of it to start, as in the beginning we were on weekends away, he pulled his weight. I learned he was just borrowing more money from others to fund this.

He started working 60-70 hour weeks, I barely seen him and there was literally no point in the relationship. It depressed me that we could never own a home together, or have proper savings and that he didn't provide the stability me and my child needed.

The relationship ultimately ended for another reason (he cheated) but looking back, I am thankful because although his debt etc was unfortunate, it was not my place to try and "fix" it

Spottydogtoo · 27/10/2023 21:09

I think you either accept his financial situation and support him financially or end things. He can’t be paying for expensive dates etc and then using a food bank. What is he supposed to do? He probably shouldn’t have got into a relationship. If you knew his situation and have gone along with it then that’s kind of on you.

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