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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I pay for everything in relationship

480 replies

Mydogisamentalist · 26/10/2023 09:25

I’m annoyed. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half (we don’t live together but have talked about moving in together in the future). I’m finding that I’m repeatedly paying for nearly everything and it’s really starting to grate.

He claims to be completely skint. I do believe him. I know he uses food banks to feed himself, lives with family and doesn’t earn enough after paying off various debts to finance a place of his own. He’s very focussed on clearing the debt but it can be almost like tunnel vision and I feel like I'm paying for him so he can clear his debt faster. As I said I do believe him (seen the food bank vouchers etc) but I find if he absolutely needs to find the money for something he does manage it. Which makes me wonder…

Example, yesterday we went out for a date night. Pub and cinema, nothing extravagant. I had a discount voucher for said pub but was also aware the pub would be more expensive than the cinema so I said upfront I’d pay for food. I also paid for food the week before so technically it was his turn but in my head I’d thought/hoped he’d pay for the cinema and I’d have been fine with that!

Got to the cinema and he needed the toilet so I went to queue for tickets while he went to pee. Bit narked. He got out of the toilet. It still wasn’t my turn to pay and instead of coming to join me in the queue he hung back by the wall. Went to pay and the film we were going to see was full so I needed him to come and decide on another film/showing so called him over. He was standing right there and didn’t make any attempt or offer to pay for anything! He also requested a drink and while I don’t like to feel petty… it just really wound me up.

This situation is common. Maybe once in every four date nights he will pay for food. When that happens I will stay pay for the cinema/mini golf/whatever else we are doing. He never pays for both.

I think this week it’s bothering me a bit more than normal. It’s my birthday on the weekend. Last year my birthday was abysmal and a large part of that was caused by him. It’s in the past now and I know he is genuinely sorry but I spent my last birthday crying all day because of how he treated me.
We have plans for a night away going to my absolute favourite place… sounds lovely but you’ve guessed it… so far everything has been organised and paid for by me. I’ve paid for the hotel, the travel, activity entry and he hasn’t offered any of those things. I’m torn because it was my choice to go and do this and he probably would never have picked it if he had to arrange something due to the cost, but not even picking up the tab for one of those things has left a bad taste in my mouth.
He has said that he plans on paying for food for us both while we are away and has a particular restaurant planned. I think if he comes through with that I’ll be happy. It won’t be completely even but it will show consideration and it will be a lot more even than it is now! I’m just concerned that we will get there and he won’t, or he won’t offer immediately and it will be awkward. I’m just very concerned I’m going to be paying for everything this weekend on top of the expense I’ve already forked out and I’ll feel worthless and like I don’t deserve any effort.

I can’t work out if aibu or not because of his financial situation. Am I? How do I navigate this!?

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 27/10/2023 11:59

@Mydogisamentalist you say your dc don’t go without. But they are missing out on you being present for them cos you’re so obsessed with this loser. The money you waste on him could be going into a savings account for their future, not being soaked up by SpongeBob Sore Arms.

Original poster
Mydogisamentalist · 27/10/2023 12:03

Why not? Why not see if he'll put his money where his mouth is before you go away?

Because I know he would actually do it. I’m not defending his behaviour but I know exactly what he’s like. He keeps his word on what he’s agreed to do and if he agrees or offers something he will do it. I’ve never been concerned about him paying for things that he’s agreed to in advance. I worry when there’s been no arrangement and it’s a case of see if he offers on the night.

He isn’t quite what’s been made out on this thread but I can see how people have got there. Yes he can be thoughtful. If he pops in the shop on the way to seeing me he will pick up my favourite chocolate. If he’s running in somewhere and I ask for a drink he’ll get it, no issues. If we have arranged to see each other and I don’t want to spend money that week and he’s completely skint he brings his dog and we will take the dogs on a long walk through the woods.

With the food bank situation he is genuinely entitled. They did an income and expenditure assessment with him before they issued vouchers. I do know why he’s in the situation he’s in, it would be very outing for me to explain what his debts are and why he’s paying them at the rate he is. Some are debts, others are fines. I do also know that the bulk of the more difficult ones will be paid by the end of January.

I’m still angry about the birthday card last year. I’m angry at him for a lot of things that happened last year which he has apologised 100 times over for. It doesn’t make it right but only a Time Machine could do that.

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 27/10/2023 12:13

He's entitled alright, @Mydogisamentalist, but not in the way you seem to think.

It is morally repugnant to be spending money on frivolous stuff like you describe and then using food banks. Whether he is technically "entitled" to use them or not.

hwaclanhdead · 27/10/2023 12:34

Some are debts, others are fines

Fines for what?
Obviously you don't want to say because it's "outing" but have a think about what those fines are for and what it says about his character.

adriftinadenofvipers · 27/10/2023 12:41

Do you realise how defensive and ridiculous that sounds?

Why did you even bother posting? You are clearly not taking any advice on board. You are clearly going to carry on letting yourself be used.

Why can’t he get a second job? Plenty of people do.

Those must be pretty substantial fines! Whatever they are for, they speak volumes as to his character.

pinkyredrose · 27/10/2023 12:44

He keeps his word on what he’s agreed to do and if he agrees or offers something he will do it.

Have you got selective memory? He said he'd got you a birthday card but when it came to it his arm hurt too much to write it.

sixoe · 27/10/2023 12:44

I am scared I'm this person in my relationship. He earns much more than me and I'm struggling with debts

When I do have money I do pay and buy him silly gifts like a key ring etc. i will treat him if I can

pinkyredrose · 27/10/2023 12:50

Why are you leaving out info like what his fines are or where he lives? I bet it's really not that outing.

You're not asking for the money he said he'd give you before you go away because you know he'll give it to you? That doesn't even make sense!
Or are you worried that he'll give you the money today and then surprise surprise, have no money for the weekend?

Original poster
Mydogisamentalist · 27/10/2023 13:04

You're not asking for the money he said he'd give you before you go away because you know he'll give it to you? That doesn't even make sense! Or are you worried that he'll give you the money today and then surprise surprise, have no money for the weekend?

No, it’s because at risk of sounding like an idiot… I’ve read him the riot act.
He offered money pretty quickly but I don’t think it’s the money that’s really upset me. It’s the effort. I think what I really wanted was for him to make an effort and think of some kind of surprise, to think about what I like and organise something which shows he cares and knows me.
When I realised that I’ve spent the last few weeks planning and arranging my own birthday I felt really let down and the aforementioned date just rubbed salt in the wound.
I didn’t accept the money but I’ve told him that I expect him to pay for absolutely everything this weekend… and that I want a surprise. I want him to organise and book something this weekend that he thinks I’d like. I’m aware it should never have got to the point where it needs spelling out to him. He’s pretty clueless in general.

I am not ignoring the food bank comments I just don’t really know what to say. I know he can have the same vouchers in his wallet for weeks at a time, sometimes months. I know he doesn’t use them to not have to pay for food. He uses his own money and if he’s reached a point where he really can’t afford food he’ll use them. Its a last resort not a I don’t fancy paying for my shopping this week.

I’m sorry if I’ve angered anyone with this thread. I really am not sure where to go from here.

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 27/10/2023 13:07

Mydogisamentalist · 27/10/2023 13:04

You're not asking for the money he said he'd give you before you go away because you know he'll give it to you? That doesn't even make sense! Or are you worried that he'll give you the money today and then surprise surprise, have no money for the weekend?

No, it’s because at risk of sounding like an idiot… I’ve read him the riot act.
He offered money pretty quickly but I don’t think it’s the money that’s really upset me. It’s the effort. I think what I really wanted was for him to make an effort and think of some kind of surprise, to think about what I like and organise something which shows he cares and knows me.
When I realised that I’ve spent the last few weeks planning and arranging my own birthday I felt really let down and the aforementioned date just rubbed salt in the wound.
I didn’t accept the money but I’ve told him that I expect him to pay for absolutely everything this weekend… and that I want a surprise. I want him to organise and book something this weekend that he thinks I’d like. I’m aware it should never have got to the point where it needs spelling out to him. He’s pretty clueless in general.

I am not ignoring the food bank comments I just don’t really know what to say. I know he can have the same vouchers in his wallet for weeks at a time, sometimes months. I know he doesn’t use them to not have to pay for food. He uses his own money and if he’s reached a point where he really can’t afford food he’ll use them. Its a last resort not a I don’t fancy paying for my shopping this week.

I’m sorry if I’ve angered anyone with this thread. I really am not sure where to go from here.

I think it's obvious where you should go from here.

Not one person on this thread can understand why you are with this man.

Food banks aside, "making an effort" for your birthday doesn't count if you have to "read him the riot act" to get him to do it.

It doesn't sound like he brings any positives to your life whatsoever. So why are you with him? Where is your self respect?

porridgeisbae · 27/10/2023 13:14

That's a pretty gormless food bank (most've realised they have to wise up now or they're being exploited.) If his income vs outgoings are bad then people get an IDVA/negotiate with the people they owe to. He maybe only uses them intermittently because some places won't let you use one for more than a few weeks without a week's break now, to stop people becoming dependent on them when they don't have to be.

hitmebabyonemoretime21 · 27/10/2023 13:21

Get rid of him, this will be your life. It was mine for 8 years, I ended up having 2 children and he never paid a penny for anything, rent, bills, food, presents or anything for the kids. If we went out or away, I'd always pay for it.

He used to eat all the food in the house and would always be in and out of jobs, he could never hold one down. Nearly married him because he beat me down mentally that I thought no one would ever want me. He got me in massive amounts of debt like 30k and tried to ruin my life. I got rid of him 6 years ago and it was the best thing I've ever done for myself. He still doesn't pay, or hardly sees his children. He owes me thousands in child support and still keeps going from having a job then going back on benefits - scum. Men like this never change and latch onto women who allow this to happen. Chuck him in the bin and take one of your friends to your birthday weekend away.

CocoPlum · 27/10/2023 13:24

Reading your OP I can't get past the fact that on your first birthday together, after 6 months, you cried because he treated you so badly, and a year later you're still with him.

porridgeisbae · 27/10/2023 13:28

@Mydogisamentalist Where is he supposedly going to magick all the money for this weekend/or if he had paid you back a bit, from?

If you believe what he says about his financial circumstances being unchangeable, he'd have to get in more debt to do that, wouldn't he?

DriftingDora · 27/10/2023 13:30

MargotBamborough · 27/10/2023 12:13

He's entitled alright, @Mydogisamentalist, but not in the way you seem to think.

It is morally repugnant to be spending money on frivolous stuff like you describe and then using food banks. Whether he is technically "entitled" to use them or not.

I think we're beginning to get a bit more information from the OP in order to support a sob story here...You're deluding yourself, OP, nobody else.

So he's entitled to use a food bank, eh? Even when living at home with family? Yeah, right. I don't think you are being honest with yourself here, - he seems perfectly able to do other things that he wants to (subsidised by you, of course) and spend £40 on a piece of fancy kitchen equipment - so perhaps suggest he gets off his lazy bum and gets a job earning some money to keep himself? Now there's a radical idea. Meanwhile, those having a genuine need to go to foodbanks are desperate to be able to feed their kids. As I've said before, he's a real prince - you must be so proud.

fingerguns · 27/10/2023 13:51

I spent my last birthday crying all day because of how he treated me.

No he didn’t even get me a card. It was the only thing I asked for and he said he had and he turned up on our next date without it. He said his arm hurt too much to write it.

These two points stuck out to me because of reminds me of how my ex-bf treated me. No effort whatsoever. He couldn't be bothered to even wake up at 8:30am after a full night's sleep to say 'happy birthday' when I'd travelled two hours to see him the previous day, and was about to leave to travel another two hours to go to work and wouldn't see him for about five days. It was awful, and I'm sorry. The money thing is bad enough, and presumably has no actual end in sight(?), but the way he treats you just stinks.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 27/10/2023 13:58

Seriously you are wasting your breath
He will not change
Even if he does miraculously pay for everything as you've instructed him to
do you honestly think he will change overnight? Clue... He won't
Frankly, it's painful to read you justifying his behaviour
You'd actually save money by cancelling the whole bloody trip and buying your own birthday present

DancingFerret · 27/10/2023 13:58

The problem, I think, is the OP is still at the stage in this relationship when people believe love (lust) will conquer all. The red flags are all flying and we're all deafened by the alarm bells, but there's little chance she'll bin her freeloader anytime soon.

porridgeisbae · 27/10/2023 14:01

porridgeisbae · 27/10/2023 13:28

@Mydogisamentalist Where is he supposedly going to magick all the money for this weekend/or if he had paid you back a bit, from?

If you believe what he says about his financial circumstances being unchangeable, he'd have to get in more debt to do that, wouldn't he?

I mean, and yet he strangely seems to be able to do it...

{sorry, didn't seem to be able to edit my earlier post.}

Martin83 · 27/10/2023 15:00

Run as fast a you can!
Man will never change, he will be loser all his life. How can you date someone and expect her to pay, this is unheard of.

Testina · 27/10/2023 15:04

DancingFerret · 27/10/2023 13:58

The problem, I think, is the OP is still at the stage in this relationship when people believe love (lust) will conquer all. The red flags are all flying and we're all deafened by the alarm bells, but there's little chance she'll bin her freeloader anytime soon.

It’s been 18 months and they haven’t had sex for 12 of those due to his ED and unwillingness to provide sexual pleasure for her in other ways. So I think the lust comment actually doesn’t apply here.

Not even a cocklodger!

skyeisthelimit · 27/10/2023 15:16

OP, you asked if you were being unreasonable. Everyone has told you that you aren't.

What is it about him that you think makes him a good boyfriend?

At the moment this is not somebody that you can build a future with, due to his debt and the way he behaves.

and why was his arm hurting? are you able to answer that, had he injured it? is he disabled?

Maray1967 · 27/10/2023 15:20

What the hell? A single man who says he can pay for a weekend away has food bank vouchers? I don’t donate to food banks to support someone like this! He can stay home and get some more work.

Dacadactyl · 27/10/2023 15:22

No offence OP, but he sounds like a total loser.

Surely you can do better than him?!

MargotBamborough · 27/10/2023 15:23

Maray1967 · 27/10/2023 15:20

What the hell? A single man who says he can pay for a weekend away has food bank vouchers? I don’t donate to food banks to support someone like this! He can stay home and get some more work.

Unfortunately I think the OP is more bothered about whether she can force her boyfriend to "spoil" her on her birthday than she is about his dodgy moral compass.

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