I pay for everything in relationship

[Mydogisamentalist]

I’m annoyed. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half (we don’t live together but have talked about moving in together in the future). I’m finding that I’m repeatedly paying for nearly everything and it’s really starting to grate.

He claims to be completely skint. I do believe him. I know he uses food banks to feed himself, lives with family and doesn’t earn enough after paying off various debts to finance a place of his own. He’s very focussed on clearing the debt but it can be almost like tunnel vision and I feel like I'm paying for him so he can clear his debt faster. As I said I do believe him (seen the food bank vouchers etc) but I find if he absolutely needs to find the money for something he does manage it. Which makes me wonder…

Example, yesterday we went out for a date night. Pub and cinema, nothing extravagant. I had a discount voucher for said pub but was also aware the pub would be more expensive than the cinema so I said upfront I’d pay for food. I also paid for food the week before so technically it was his turn but in my head I’d thought/hoped he’d pay for the cinema and I’d have been fine with that!

Got to the cinema and he needed the toilet so I went to queue for tickets while he went to pee. Bit narked. He got out of the toilet. It still wasn’t my turn to pay and instead of coming to join me in the queue he hung back by the wall. Went to pay and the film we were going to see was full so I needed him to come and decide on another film/showing so called him over. He was standing right there and didn’t make any attempt or offer to pay for anything! He also requested a drink and while I don’t like to feel petty… it just really wound me up.

This situation is common. Maybe once in every four date nights he will pay for food. When that happens I will stay pay for the cinema/mini golf/whatever else we are doing. He never pays for both.

I think this week it’s bothering me a bit more than normal. It’s my birthday on the weekend. Last year my birthday was abysmal and a large part of that was caused by him. It’s in the past now and I know he is genuinely sorry but I spent my last birthday crying all day because of how he treated me.
We have plans for a night away going to my absolute favourite place… sounds lovely but you’ve guessed it… so far everything has been organised and paid for by me. I’ve paid for the hotel, the travel, activity entry and he hasn’t offered any of those things. I’m torn because it was my choice to go and do this and he probably would never have picked it if he had to arrange something due to the cost, but not even picking up the tab for one of those things has left a bad taste in my mouth.
He has said that he plans on paying for food for us both while we are away and has a particular restaurant planned. I think if he comes through with that I’ll be happy. It won’t be completely even but it will show consideration and it will be a lot more even than it is now! I’m just concerned that we will get there and he won’t, or he won’t offer immediately and it will be awkward. I’m just very concerned I’m going to be paying for everything this weekend on top of the expense I’ve already forked out and I’ll feel worthless and like I don’t deserve any effort.

I can’t work out if aibu or not because of his financial situation. Am I? How do I navigate this!?

No brainer, ditch.

Every post OP makes is another drip feed. Yes, I'm sure he's got gold-plated earlobes as well, but the conclusion's the same: get rid.

He tried a few types of viagra. After the night mentioned above he went back to the doctor and tried another type.

It wasn't just the viagra though. He was rough and impersonal with you and you ended up crying.

Ffs will you wake up and see that you're worth more than this.

So why do you keep making threads about this Prince when you are absolutely determined to stay with him?

Why bother us with it? What's the bloody point?

In Debt! , ED. !
He has a drug problem .
A myth that drugs make you some sort of stallion all the time .
I know if someone who couldn’t perform abs it was due to a cocaine problem , the girl dumped him when she found out about the drug use .

This guy isn’t going to change . This “relationship” isn’t going to change .
It will only effect your self esteem.
You bank balance and take away precious years.
There are better out there go find one .

I commented on this days ago and it's still ongoing, what is the point in poating and making various threads you already have your mind made up? We are not going to turn round and say he is great! Omg this is reminding me of how I was until recently like with my exh, always sticking up for him making excuses for his shit ways with money when he lives at home and shouldn't be skint whilst working. I don't know what you're wanting from this thread or from him, you've got high standards. Not.

@Mydogisamentalist

How did it go?

I strongly suspect the OP won't return. But I think we can ll guess! Wonder if he hid under the bed in the hotel to avoid paying? "Could you get me a drink, love, I'm just looking for a lost cufflink".

I imagine he maybe paid for stuff for the weekend to get her off his back, but will soon be back to his old tricks while building up his savings.

I actually hope we were all wrong and that @Mydogisamentalist and her DP had an amazing time and have finally got their relationship back on track

I wonder if he has a porn addiction. Viagra works through stimulation. Because the stimulation is only achieved through pornography, the viagra (or similar drugs) wont work - the problem is psychological. The more extreme sex acts could also be an indication of porn addiction (like any addiction, a tollerance is built up, what they become aroused by can become more and more extreme). It could actually be why he's skint too.

Hi OP. Please think very carefully before moving in with this man. I was in a similar position. At first you don't mind but it does start to.grate. I ended up resentful and at least 5k out of pocket when ge called an end on the relationship.

The thing is, you can be skint but still make the effort. He could suggest you go to a museum or art gallery together or have you round and cook dinner and watch a film. Go for a walk and take a homemade picnic. Is he suggesting stuff? I think if you are suggesting expensive stuff and he can't afford it fine, but to not do anything in return isn't great.

What do you get out of this relationship?

Take a friend on your birthday trip. Leave him. Good luck.

I agree re stuff that vosts very little. I skimmed the post and missed out the drugs and sex,or lack of it and not being bothered about ur pleasure OP. Bern there. My advice is raise the bar and know your worth. Get rid
Even if u love him there are times we just have to walk away from.people.

He did in fact keep to his word this weekend. He arrived with gifts but more importantly… a card! One which he had written a really nice message in and hadn’t done the bare minimal of just scribbling his name.

He paid for food, cinema, drinks, and had arranged an activity that he knew I’d always wanted to do. I also got a chance to talk to him properly about his debt situation and how long it’s likely to continue for.

Everything isn’t fixed. I’m very very wary of it going back to how it was. I also don’t want to insist he goes half on expensive activities when he needs to clear the bulk of his debt. I’m going to implement far more free/cheap days out instead of always relying on the cinema.

@Mydogisamentalist That’s a lovely update.

The shit that some women will tolerate just to have a man around never fails to astound me. Why would you as a financially secure mum of 2 children even get into a relationship with this sad sack charity case who doesn't have his own home, avoids putting his hand in his pocket wherever possible, and can't even shag you properly? Raise your bar, for God's sake. The amount you must have spent on this leech in 18 months could have paid for something wonderful for you and/or your children.

Whaaat? Raise your own standards! He's been rumbled, so he pays for one weekend's food, drinks, etc. A drop in the ocean to what this chancer has used her for in the past. So he's now a 'new man' is he? Meanwhile, back in the real world - I don't think so.

You mean the 'relationship' where she pays for everything and he takes (including from food banks) whilst paying off his debts?

Why is it you that needs to implement more free/cheap dates? He's the one that is skint, he should be putting in the effort to come up with romantic dates that aren't expensive.

This relationship sounds really lopsided.

I'm glad you had a good birthday, but I hope you keep your eye on these traits of his. It doesn't bode well that you even needed to ask for a card and some consideration on your birthday from someone you have been incredibly generous to.

And yeah, as PPs said- the food bank thing is immoral and low and I'd dump him for that alone.

It really isn't. He had to take a cash advance from work to pay for the weekend and he only did that when she got upset. Op still isn't going to ask him to go halves on things and it looks like she didn't even get a birthday shag!

Op have you seen proof of his debts, how much is coming in and going out and to who?

Great, now that you've gotten back some of what was owed you can dump him. Otherwise things will creep back to how they were before, him exploiting you.

It's one weekend and the onus is back on you to arrange cheap or free dates.

It sounds like he knew you had one foot out of the door so he did this.

I would still be worried that when these debts are paid of he will be off. Some other woman getting treated. And no sex? This isn't a relationship ...