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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to look after my mum

278 replies

Overthebow · 26/10/2023 01:12

My parents moved abroad when I was in my twenties. I don’t have any close by family in the UK and when they left I wasn’t in a good place mentally. They’ve visited a couple of times a year, but we aren’t close now and they don’t have a close relationship with my dc either as they barely know them. We don't speak much. Now it’s just my mum, and although I’ve suggested it she does not want to move back to the UK currently. She does however think she might move back when she’s older so she can get help from family (me), and won’t be elderly alone. She’s even hinted at living with us.

Aibu to think that actually, I don’t really want to help when she’s older and I definitely don’t want her living with us? I could have really used her help and support over the years, especially now when I have young children, but she’s never been interested in helping me.

OP posts:
POTC · 26/10/2023 01:14

You are not being unreasonable, and need to remind yourself that blood ties do not equal an obligation to do what that person wants you to. It's okay to say no.

Atmytethersend · 26/10/2023 02:34

YANBU. Blood is thicker than the water of the womb comes to mind. Just because she is your mum it definitely does not mean that you are required to look after her, especially when you had no support when you needed it most. It would be different, in my opinion if you had a close bound and felt like you had love and support all your life etc

Spencer0220 · 26/10/2023 03:40

YANBU.

DH and I aren't going to look after either set of parents, financially or physically.

Not just because we wouldn't have the time/space/physical health to do it, but because we think it's better for social services to be involved.

Pussygaloregalapagos · 26/10/2023 04:00

Well depends on your culture. In Britain that would be considered not unreasonable. Most cultures though have an expectation that children will be responsible for and care for theirs elderly parents. Personally I think the moral responsibility is on you to care for the person who brought you life. Even if you received less support than you would have liked the classic, two wrongs doesn’t make a right could be invoked.

We do have a welfare state though to pick up people with no familial support and help to plug that gap so your Mother would get some assistance when she is elderly. You will just need to pay, like everyone with slightly increased taxes for the care responsibilities transferring from personal to the state.

GlitterGlobe30 · 26/10/2023 04:05

I will always be there for my Mother regardless of mistakes she may have made in the past. That goes for any family member. I think if you can't rely on your family then who can you rely on? But that's just me.

cleo333 · 26/10/2023 04:34

My mum and dad were not supportive either and I won't be looking after them . I am strong in this and feel no guilt as they are like aquanrtnces and they caused that

Lizzieregina · 26/10/2023 04:38

I don’t think you owe her a place to live, or a lot of support, but if she ends up close by, you could pop in now and again.

I have kids in their 20s, and one of them had significant MH issues. I couldn’t imagine leaving him to fend for himself and going to live in another country.

ohdamnitjanet · 26/10/2023 04:42

Hell no, what a bloody cheek, she practically deserted you.

Lemsipper · 26/10/2023 05:07

YANBU next time she mentions it tell her get that idea out of your head

Sceptre86 · 26/10/2023 05:14

I'm asian so normally I would think that as a child you have a duty/ obligation out of love to take care of your parents. In your case though your parents put themselves first and left you to it. In that circumstance you are under no obligation to support her. I would be making that known now so she can make plans for her own retirement and would quash the moving in talk with you straight away. Sometimes you just have to be blunt.

WalkedInJustToWalkOut · 26/10/2023 05:21

Cheeky fucker! YANBU. Tell her it won’t be happening.

YireosDodeAver · 26/10/2023 05:21

Yanbu at all. The mindset under which you might have freely chosen to look after her in old age would have been built on her always being there for you with emotional and practical support when you needed it over the preceding decades. That's not the path that either of you are on.

But don't worry there is no obligation for you to do this. Even if she moves back to the uk you are not obliged to provide care. If she has savings she will be able to pay for whatever care she needs, and if she doesn't then state care is available so long as she qualifies. A quick google finds a useful leaflet from Age UK about what elderly expats returning to the UK need to know.

I have distant relatives who were expats in South Africa and returned to the UK when they needed to. They settled in rural Wales as that gave them the cheapest cost of living, so being near you may not be your mum's best option.

tinkly laugh-off any further mention for living with you - Can you imagine? We would want to kill each other by half way through week two! and be equally clear that regular care visits from you are not ever going to be available - you aren't a source of free nursemaiding.

Inyourwildestdreams · 26/10/2023 05:21

YANBU at all. You have no obligation to support her. We actually have a similar situation with MIL. She left FIL whilst he was abroad working just completely randomly one day when DH was 12. DH and SIL (16 at the time) got home from school to find all her stuff gone. She’d moved in with another man almost 2hours away who she married a year later and told DH/SIL afterwards.

From age 12-24 DH saw her twice a year and only ever when he travelled to her. And he’d only be welcome for an hour or 2 each time. Her husband then had a series of strokes and was left paralysed from the neck down, and then passed away a year later. She came to DH as her and her husband had been living way beyond their means and had piled up debt from designer purchases and holidays. She was unable to afford a funeral so DH paid for it and cleared her debt as he said he felt he had to as she was his mum. She sold their house and moved in with DH and I for 6months until she worked out what to do next and eventually bought a house 10 mins walk from us as she decided she now wanted more of a relationship with DH and wanted to be involved when we had DC.

She used to make weekly lists of stuff she needed done in the house and phone DH like he was a handyman and get him in for a few hours to do all the bits and pieces. He was completely at her beck and call as he felt he had to be because she was his family and “families help each other”. He then went through a period of ill heath himself and MILs only concern was who was going to do all her jobs for her as he couldn’t manage. It was like a lightbulb moment for DH when he realised that the help didn’t work both ways. He was really sad.

She now phones every day but only ever to tell us how she is, never to ask how we are. Doesn’t have a close relationship with our DCs (preschool aged) - she sees them maybe once a month for an hour which she believes is the perfect amount. Whilst she is his mum and we will never cut her off completely, DH and I both agree that neither the physical or financial burden of her care will be our responsibility.

Bature · 26/10/2023 05:28

I’m not British and I find a lot of the attitudes towards parents on here to be totally baffling. This woman raised you, was presumably a decent parent (as you haven’t said she wasn’t), but you’re unwilling to care for her in her dotage because she had the audacity to move away when you were an adult, as opposed to centring you.

It seems like some of you genuinely believe that unless you are the focal point of your parents’ existence forevermore, they have wronged you in some way. Yet, also feel little to no responsibility towards them. From the perspective of most other cultures, it’s chilling.

LoreleiG · 26/10/2023 05:51

If my parents had moved abroad in my twenties I wouldn’t hold it against them unless something else was a factor. The era of their twenties was a different time to mine. I would really not want my mum living with me though. Nearby would be fine.

Goldbar · 26/10/2023 06:02

Focus on your own children. To be blunt, you chose to have them so you have a responsibility to give them the best start in life you can. They should be your primary concern. It doesn't sound like your mother is a particularly involved grandparent, or keen to be so, so your kids only lose out to the extent that she is prioritised over them.

I have a few friends who live in multigenerational households and, while not for me, it appears to have many benefits. But the arrangements which I know which are successful are based on an understanding that all parties will contribute practically and financially to the relationship. They also centre the children. The grandparents provide regular and flexible care for the grandchildren while they are able to, which is clearly beneficial for the parents. The parents support the grandparents practically, emotionally and financially. As the grandparents get older, the relationship evolves and adapts. When the arrangement works, all parties benefit and enrich each other's lives. But usually the starting-point for all parties is a deep commitment to family, particularly any children of the family, and wanting to be involved in their lives and support them. From what you've said, your mum doesn't really have that so I don't see how any arrangement like this could work.

MyHornCanPierceTheSky · 26/10/2023 06:05

She does however think she might move back when she’s older so she can get help from family (me), and won’t be elderly alone. She’s even hinted at living with us.
What's the odds on her asking to come for a 'visit' falling unwell and being unable to return abroad?

Finlesswonder · 26/10/2023 06:08

I'm British and find your outlook and the attitudes on here so weird.

They went abroad when you were an adult. Why are you so hung up on this? She gave birth to you, raised you, got you set up in the world, but then had the audacity to move away when youcould have done with a free skivvy and now you want to punish her by condemning her to old age alone?

What does your DP say? This perspective would massively turn me off a partner

Fimofriend · 26/10/2023 06:12

@Bature But they turned their backs on her knowing that she needed them.

I know some cultures have an expectation that your revere your elders no matter what but I also know that a lot of elders in those communities take advantage of that and are very abusive both mentally, physically and financially towards the younger generations. I think that it is healthy and good for everyone involved that actions have consequences.

My parents have their faults but they have always been there for me. When I lived abroad we didn't see eachother much but we were still supportive of eachother. So I am helping them in many ways now. I am so lucky that my DB has also stepped up so that it is not all on me.

But I fully respect that other people are not willing to do the same for their parents. With regards to some of my friends and family members I was actually quite shocked at how lousy parents their parents were when we grew up. They (their parents) don't even deserve that their children still speak with them.

MariaVT65 · 26/10/2023 06:15

OP don’t worry, I get you.

I don’t get the mentality of ‘she gave birth to me so I owe her everything’. You didn’t ask to be born.

While they had a right to move abroad, I completely understand how it can heavily impact a relationship and closeness if you see them twice a year. So any closeness you felt to them as a child may have been lost. As you mentioned that you’re not close and don’t speak much, I think it’s totally understandable that you don’t suddenly commit your time to her, especially if she hasn’t made an effort to get to know your children.

Absolutely no way in hell would I have my mother living with me (not that I have the room).

Sconehenge · 26/10/2023 06:15

I think it’s okay to say that she can’t live with you but I think if she lives nearby by then you can support with things like giving her company or helping her apply for things and navigate emails etc, be a helping ear and nice person - like at the level you might for a favourite aunt (so no living together but regular catch ups)

CollagenQueen · 26/10/2023 06:48

I wouldn’t worry about this just yet. There are so many things that could happen between now and then.

So many people just assume that having their parents come live with them, could actually be a thing. They swear there’s no way they’d let them go into a home etc. The harsh reality can be very different.

My own Dad needs care. There is no way it would be practical to have him live with me or a sibling. He’s immobile, wears nappies, weighs over 20 stone, needs medical hoists to be moved. Even if I wanted him to live here, I physically could not manage his care. I could never have seen this coming 5 years ago, let alone the number of years you have until your Mum needs care.

So I’d park this worry for now. How old is she anyway?

But fwiw, you are under no obligation to have her live with you.

andyourpointiswhat · 26/10/2023 06:59

I think if you have no intention of having her live with you in the future you should make that clear now so she is not keeping that in mind as her long term plan. Much easier to have the conversation now so she can consider her options.

JellyMops · 26/10/2023 07:07

Having children is one of the most selfish things you can do, you don't owe your parents anything.

Lochness1975 · 26/10/2023 07:29

YANBU I feel the same about my parents.