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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to look after my mum

278 replies

Overthebow · 26/10/2023 01:12

My parents moved abroad when I was in my twenties. I don’t have any close by family in the UK and when they left I wasn’t in a good place mentally. They’ve visited a couple of times a year, but we aren’t close now and they don’t have a close relationship with my dc either as they barely know them. We don't speak much. Now it’s just my mum, and although I’ve suggested it she does not want to move back to the UK currently. She does however think she might move back when she’s older so she can get help from family (me), and won’t be elderly alone. She’s even hinted at living with us.

Aibu to think that actually, I don’t really want to help when she’s older and I definitely don’t want her living with us? I could have really used her help and support over the years, especially now when I have young children, but she’s never been interested in helping me.

OP posts:
PerspiringElizabeth · 26/10/2023 07:35

YANBU at all. She’ll have to reap what she sows basically. 🤷🏻‍♀️

’The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb’ such an apt phrase - company you choose to keep is more important than family you never see. Could be applied to either you or your mum - she’s seemingly choosing to stay where she is with whoever she is with, rather than you and her grandchildren.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 26/10/2023 07:39

Just say no. There’s a lot of substandard parenting in the UK.

And a lot of lying and banking on your adult children forgetting what it was really like.

ssd · 26/10/2023 07:48

Yanbu. Your parents sound very selfish. Its time for you to be selfish and look after yourself. After all, you learned from the best.

fixies · 26/10/2023 07:50

Yanbu. I'd suggest if she wants that level of support she needs to make the effort to get to know you and your kids now. She should move back sooner and make up for lost time. Not just expect to rock up adters she's had a fall/surgery/ whatever it is that brings her back.

She decided to move abroad and prioritised that over her relationship with you. She can't expect you to just drop everything when it suits her.

I have no idea how you approach this though. Depends how comfortable you feel Talking about it. Maybe Mack your own plans and tell her what YOU intend to do over the coming years and suggest how she could slot in.

mangochops · 26/10/2023 07:58

CollagenQueen · 26/10/2023 06:48

I wouldn’t worry about this just yet. There are so many things that could happen between now and then.

So many people just assume that having their parents come live with them, could actually be a thing. They swear there’s no way they’d let them go into a home etc. The harsh reality can be very different.

My own Dad needs care. There is no way it would be practical to have him live with me or a sibling. He’s immobile, wears nappies, weighs over 20 stone, needs medical hoists to be moved. Even if I wanted him to live here, I physically could not manage his care. I could never have seen this coming 5 years ago, let alone the number of years you have until your Mum needs care.

So I’d park this worry for now. How old is she anyway?

But fwiw, you are under no obligation to have her live with you.

I agree with this. People love to scold others for not caring about their parents and how they should care for them when they have absolutely no experience of actually doing it. The reality can be getting up multiple times a night to change their incontinence pad or help them to the toilet, washing them, sometimes not being able to leave them alone for even 10 mins, having to give up work and your source of income to care for them - this would have been the case for my dad when he got dementia. Its a 24/7 job and often its not even safe to manual handle someone alone because you could hurt your back or hurt them in the process.

People think "caring for a parent" is having them live with you, giving them a bit of company and making them cups of tea and doing shopping for them. The reality of actually caring for someone elderly who is frail and potentially has cognitive decline is worlds away from that and its not always possible or safe for one person to do it alone.

DyslexicPoster · 26/10/2023 08:00

Of course tour not obligated. My in laws are both the same. Fil hasn't seen me or the kids for six years now. I decided after five years he is dead to me. What dh wants to do in his dad's dotage is his business but I'm not getting involved. I don't know the man. There's no feelings for him in my part.

Mil left to live abroad when my boy was 5 days old. She emergrated just as mum was diagnosed with cancer as she had to do what was right for her and live her life.if she moved back to be near us in her dotage I'd be declaring that I needed yo what's right for me, and live my best life. Downsize so there was no room, move away.

They made their choices on their own standards so there's no way I'm going to be held to something they don't belive in.

OP do your kids know and love her? Mine don't. They wouldn't do it. There are no ties formed there

SaracensMavericks · 26/10/2023 08:04

YANBU at all. My mum always felt unsupported by her mum (including being sent to boarding school aged 5, but lots of other examples too) and therefore didn't feel that it was her responsibility to care for her in old age. Whereas my parents have been wonderful parents and I will help them as much as I can. Sorry to be harsh but you reap what you sow.

Didimum · 26/10/2023 08:05

I don’t think YABU for not wanting to live with her or committing to care for her, but …

I could have really used her help and support over the years, especially now when I have young children, but she’s never been interested in helping me.

She raised you.

margotrose · 26/10/2023 08:06

Didimum · 26/10/2023 08:05

I don’t think YABU for not wanting to live with her or committing to care for her, but …

I could have really used her help and support over the years, especially now when I have young children, but she’s never been interested in helping me.

She raised you.

And? She's her mother - that's the bare minimum she should have done!

Brefugee · 26/10/2023 08:08

YANBU but you need to start managing her expectations of what will happen if she does move back.

miniproblem · 26/10/2023 08:11

No parent has the right to demand their children care for them on old age. The bullshit about them being the ones that raised you just doesn't mean anything.

There could be loads of reasons why it won't happen and it doesn't even have to be for any negative reasons.
I'm caring and loving but I'm not a natural carer. I find it really difficult, I hate medical stuff and it makes me very uncomfortable. I could have the best relationship in the world with my parents but I still wouldn't feel differently about being their carer.

justanothermanicm0nday · 26/10/2023 08:11

I had very similar circumstances, mum left me at 18. There is no way I would care for her now, we barely have a relationship I see her perhaps once a year. Luckily she could not afford to move back here and I can't afford to take her in either so it shouldn't be an option. I have no idea what she will do as she is in I'll health already in her late 50's and has blown her way through various inheritances.

Goodornot · 26/10/2023 08:13

CollagenQueen · 26/10/2023 06:48

I wouldn’t worry about this just yet. There are so many things that could happen between now and then.

So many people just assume that having their parents come live with them, could actually be a thing. They swear there’s no way they’d let them go into a home etc. The harsh reality can be very different.

My own Dad needs care. There is no way it would be practical to have him live with me or a sibling. He’s immobile, wears nappies, weighs over 20 stone, needs medical hoists to be moved. Even if I wanted him to live here, I physically could not manage his care. I could never have seen this coming 5 years ago, let alone the number of years you have until your Mum needs care.

So I’d park this worry for now. How old is she anyway?

But fwiw, you are under no obligation to have her live with you.

Agreed. This happened to my mum. Though she doesn't need hoists the rest us the same. I got my arse handed to me by my mother and my sister for even considering putting her in a home. She is totally immobile.

OP just start laughing it off now. No I don't think so...I could have used help when my kids were young but you weren't here...you'll have to sort yourself out.

WalkedInJustToWalkOut · 26/10/2023 08:16

She raised you.

And?

fluffypinkclouds · 26/10/2023 08:18

WalkedInJustToWalkOut · 26/10/2023 08:16

She raised you.

And?

Yeah, I dont get that either. If you choose to have a child, raising them is literally the bare minimum of parental expectation. So, because she didnt put her up for adoption, that means the OP should care for her? lol

BeyondMyWits · 26/10/2023 08:35

Draw your lines and defend your boundaries now. Keep doing it.

MIL thought she'd be moving in with us when FIL died. Not in a million years. We have helped her arrange her carers. We have spoken to social services with her and on her behalf, she has dementia. But she will not be living with us and I will not be providing personal care.

I have to lay it out coldly and precisely, because otherwise "life" will end up like the Christmas meltdown (just a 3 day visit).

I found myself hosing shit off her dressing gown outdoors on Christmas morning in the middle of cooking Christmas lunch whilst DH stopped her from spreading it round the bathroom. The kids were crying because everyone was upset and the dog thought it was all great fun.

Yes, I know it all sounds cold and heartless, but I'm not going to "live" like that.

So draw those lines now.

Startingagainandagain · 26/10/2023 08:35

Make it very clear to her now that this is just not happening. Ever.

She will need to make her own plans for her older age and look at assisted living.

She has a cheek to even suggest that when she chose to be barely involved in your and your kids' life for years and you don't have a close relationship.

I think some parents and cultures tend to believe than having a child means that person then becomes their property and owes them everything, including blind obedience and 'respect', for the rest of their life...

It does not work that way as far as I am concerned.

Valeriekat · 26/10/2023 08:38

GlitterGlobe30 · 26/10/2023 04:05

I will always be there for my Mother regardless of mistakes she may have made in the past. That goes for any family member. I think if you can't rely on your family then who can you rely on? But that's just me.

Well Mother wasn't there when she was needed. She can't pick and choose when it suits her.

genesis92 · 26/10/2023 08:39

No fuck that. She's made her bed

Parpadew · 26/10/2023 08:42

With care as it is in the UK, I think you'll end up with no choice but to help if she ends up in need of it. You're simply not going to let her lie in her own filth or wander at 3amand that's what's happening to many now.

Not that I think yabu not to want to.

echt · 26/10/2023 08:48

Love the sneering at "she raised you". I assume those who say this have no idea or experience of what it means to raise a child. It's shorthand for a shitload of work.
HTH

BeyondMyWits · 26/10/2023 08:49

echt · 26/10/2023 08:48

Love the sneering at "she raised you". I assume those who say this have no idea or experience of what it means to raise a child. It's shorthand for a shitload of work.
HTH

Though usually by choice.

GreenVelvetCushions · 26/10/2023 08:51

There are degrees of help op. It's not all or nothing. Do what you are comfortable with. YANBU

fluffypinkclouds · 26/10/2023 08:51

echt · 26/10/2023 08:48

Love the sneering at "she raised you". I assume those who say this have no idea or experience of what it means to raise a child. It's shorthand for a shitload of work.
HTH

I've raised two children, with zero family help. Of course its hard work, but it was also my choice to have kids. I dont regard parenting as some kind of contractual agreement whereby it means my children must give up work in later life to care for me 24/7 in my dotage. I want more than that for them, because I love them.

echt · 26/10/2023 08:53

BeyondMyWits · 26/10/2023 08:49

Though usually by choice.

Show quote history

Not sure what you mean by this.