To not want to look after my mum

[Overthebow]

My parents moved abroad when I was in my twenties. I don’t have any close by family in the UK and when they left I wasn’t in a good place mentally. They’ve visited a couple of times a year, but we aren’t close now and they don’t have a close relationship with my dc either as they barely know them. We don't speak much. Now it’s just my mum, and although I’ve suggested it she does not want to move back to the UK currently. She does however think she might move back when she’s older so she can get help from family (me), and won’t be elderly alone. She’s even hinted at living with us.

Aibu to think that actually, I don’t really want to help when she’s older and I definitely don’t want her living with us? I could have really used her help and support over the years, especially now when I have young children, but she’s never been interested in helping me.

@SpudleyLass

i am sorry about your daughter but try then to imagine the situation I described even though you are not living it.

A lot of those parents don't think they were ever abusive or harmful to their children.

I move no goalposts and have said earlier on int he thread, even with healthy relationships, in the UK, those parents who think they can expect it are in for a bit of a shock as its no longer financially affordable, physically affordable or mentally affordable - even for those adult kids who might want to.

Many adults can no longer actually do it. Don't have kids with the expectation they'll look after you. It was YOUR choice to have them.

I don't have to. My mother, who has MS, was juggling caring for her own mother with Dementia for a good few years before having to admit to herself she could no longer do it due to finances and physical health.

And frankly, Mum is in her mid 50s. She cannot expect retirement anytime soon, she does not own her own home - she gave up and pu my grandmother in a home which is the correct decision.

She still visits of course, she cares very much. Why do you have such a dim view of those who do this? They DO care, most of them anyway.

@SpudleyLass

i have a dim view of people saying they owe absolutely nothing to their (decent non abusive) parents and abandoning them in the old age, yes.

but caring for /supporting your parents doesn’t mean only having to be being sole personal carer.
so visiting, helping. and caring about and making sure the parent is well looked after one way or another is fine.
not caring whatsoever “because a child owes nothing” - not fine.

Even then, there will be limitations on time.

This is how the West is set up atm. Working parents having diminishing amounts of time to spend on any obligation.

Seriously. Its on the elders to have been planning their own care. Irresponsible if they haven't accounted for it. I know my father has already arranged for it, because he plans ahead. My mother knows I will not be able to, in all likelihood. But she has 3 other children.

i have a dim view of people saying they owe absolutely nothingto their (decent non abusive) parents and abandoning them in the old age, yes.

Nobody here has suggested abandoning their elderly parents, though. They've just said they're unable or unwilling to provide any kind of ongoing care.

For many people, it's not a case of not caring, it's a case of not having the time, money or energy to do anything about it.

My mum is wonderful and does so much for my kids and I will do whatever I can for her in my old age.

I can't imagine I'd feel like doing that for someone with no interest in my kids. Her behaviour towards me I could probably get over. But if she hadn't been a grandparent to my kids, I would focus any energies on her. I would continue to focus my energies on my children and any support they might need as adults (with their own babies etc).

So no, don't think you are being unreasonable.

I have no expectations whatsoever that our only DD will ever be a carer for me or my husband.

I would like to think she may want to spend time with me in old age, as her mum - not someone she’s obligated to look after. Our relationship is not reciprocal, she doesn’t owe me anything and never will do just because I brought her into this world.

Caring about me and loving me does not extend to owing me support in old age. It’s not true altruism if it’s expected or you feel like it’s owed.

You reap what you sow. My parents weren’t great and once I moved out aged 18 they have never provided me with help in any way - emotionally, practically or financially. We keep in touch and see each other several times a year, but we aren’t close. If they turned around in a few years time and expected to live with us and for us to care for them, then the answer would be 100% no. And I wouldn’t feel guilty about it.

I don't understand what you are trying to say. Is it that you think children in the UK will be expected to pay for their parents' care unless they can prove to someone (local authority? who?) that they can't afford to? Or are you talking about some other country?

As for the OP - I wouldn't wish looking on after elderly individual, related or otherwise, on anyone unless I truly hated them. We had MiL living with us for the last 5 years of her life and it just about killed my OH. My own mom is in assisted living and just being on hand locally to help when required is grinding down my brother. I consider myself fortunate in that I'm too far away to visit mom more than a couple of times a year at most. We do a family zoom most weeks and there's calls in between so I'm not completely heartless....

Yeah apologies. I was getting mixed up with the reply and the quote functions.
If in the UK and your parents are in France you can still be forced to pay for their care. It surprised me. I wondered if it might apply in the OPs situation but it doesn't.

She can’t rely on her family/her mum though isn’t that the point of the original post?

Margotrose
**
I don't agree - being loving, attentive and supportive is what being a parent is all about. Doing those things doesn't make you special or deserving of special treatment into your old age.”

This. 100%. if you don’t provide love, attention and support you are completely failing as a parent.

LimePi · Today 14:21

@SpudleyLass
**
we are NOT talking about abusive parents here, dont move the goalposts.
we are talking about normal supportive parents who apparently also can be cast aside”

Not wishing to provide personal care for parents is hardly casting them aside. Don’t be idiotic. Far more caring to help them arrange professional help rather than struggling along with half-arsed amateur attempts by relatives (who would rather inherit the money it would cost than ensure their loved ones were well looked after, in most cases).

YANBU, at all. But you should probably make it clear now that living with you, and relying on your help when she needs it, won't be an option. That will hopefully encourage her to make financial provision now, for paying for that help when necessary.

YABU in thinking your parents have some responsibility to help you bring up your children.
Everyone should have children expecting to do all the childcare (with their partner) and to pay for pre school care & wrap around care while they work.
IF family offer support & assistance, take it without taking advantage - which might mean refusing some support.

Why should an older couple / person look after your kids when they have already brought up their own children and now have less energy to run around after young kids and more time & money & less responsibilities enabling them to do their own thing.

YANBU to say you mother can't come & live with you what would your partner think about it? What if his parents also wanted to come & live with you? How would it impact on your children?
If she wants to live nearby you need to be clear that you have a busy life & will not be at her beck & call - work, kids, partner, lifestyle maintenance; they all take time, money & effort.
And of course circumstances change - you may not live there for the rest of her life. What would happen if you moved 300 miles away for a great job?

I think this is something that as a society with haven't quite grasped yet, and there needs to be some kind of reckoning. A huge amount of care has been provided by women who either did not work, or retired at 60 at the latest. Now retirement age for people currently in their 40's is 68 for all. The cost of living (housing mostly), means two incomes until retirement are a necessity, not a choice. For people who had children around 30, that means waiting until they're 98 until their children are retired and available for caring duties. Who is going to fill in this carer gap?

I’m sorry but no. We don’t live in that world anymore. Likely situation will actually be that your child/ren will be teenage years and you will still be at work. It wouldn’t be possible for her to live with you and you look after her. We are living so much longer and we’re in a financial crisis so unless she’s willing to sell up and combine her money with your asset to allow you to either buy a buyer property or to allow you to stop working “look after her” and use her money to support you then it’s a no.

You’re not being unreasonable. My daughter is 28 and suffering with anxiety and CPTSD due to trauma, I would never abandon her.

The way I look at it is she was grown up enough to leave you when you really needed support, she’s made her bed. This may sound callous to some but what goes around comes around.

How can France legally compel someone in Britain (who isn't a French citizen) to pay for care they haven't consented to purchasing?

For all Britain's problems I'm really grateful to live in a country where the state doesn't consider itself entitled to a say on how people spend their personal money. IIRC, France doesn't allow people to disinherit their kids in their will either, and expects parents to choose baby names from an approved list.

OP, if she's in France I'd get legal advice on how to get out of any obligation France might try to impose.

'If my parents had moved abroad in my twenties I wouldn’t hold it against them unless something else was a factor. The era of their twenties was a different time to mine. I would really not want my mum living with me though. Nearby would be fine.'

This. A good balance.

I tried to persuade my DM to move closer to me as she became more frail but she refused to leave her garden. In the end she lived at home until about 10 days before she died. I used to visit her once a month in the last year.

For all Britain's problems I'm really grateful to live in a country where the state doesn't consider itself entitled to a say on how people spend their personal money. IIRC, France doesn't allow people to disinherit their kids in their will either, and expects parents to choose baby names from an approved list

No you can't disinherited your kids, because irrespective of how you feel about them, why should the nation pay for your children when you have wealth?
And no, you can't call your child whatever you want, because every child has the right to start life with a reasonable name.

I'm very grateful to be from a country where the state enforces a sense of duty or else you would end up like this thread, full of people wondering "well why should I..."

I'm not talking about kids who are actually still children. I mean adult kids that you don't want to leave money to. I might be wrong but I vaguely remember that some countries, including France, insist they aren't totally disinherited.

In the UK, iirc, a register can refuse to register a name where they can see a child would be negatively affected by it. So you probably couldn't call your kid Adolf Hitler, for example. But choosing from an approved list is a bit too controlling for me.

Oh yes. Much better for your parents to have to rely on the meagre offerings of SS than for you to help out. Jesus. What awful people. And you are even trying to make it seem like you are refusing care because you are somehow being honourable??? At least be honest and say it like it is. You don't really care about your parents and they can feck off as far as you are concerned. Let's hoping your dd learn from your example huh?

It isn't a straight choice between paying for yourself and having absolutely no support from Social Services OR relying totally on SS and having no choices of any sort