To not want to look after my mum

[Overthebow]

My parents moved abroad when I was in my twenties. I don’t have any close by family in the UK and when they left I wasn’t in a good place mentally. They’ve visited a couple of times a year, but we aren’t close now and they don’t have a close relationship with my dc either as they barely know them. We don't speak much. Now it’s just my mum, and although I’ve suggested it she does not want to move back to the UK currently. She does however think she might move back when she’s older so she can get help from family (me), and won’t be elderly alone. She’s even hinted at living with us.

Aibu to think that actually, I don’t really want to help when she’s older and I definitely don’t want her living with us? I could have really used her help and support over the years, especially now when I have young children, but she’s never been interested in helping me.

I wasn't arguing about whether or not the OP should take care of her parent, but the denigrating of raising a child by some posters.

I’m not saying therefore she should commit to assisting her mother in old age. I’m saying that she is complaining she “could have used her help but she’s never been interested in helping” is a little hypocritical because she’s not entitled to her mother’s help beyond raising her either. It’s not tit for tat. Her mother was entitled to a life of her own living abroad if she wanted that for herself so saying she’s not ‘interested in helping’ is rather off.

A lot of optimistic parents on this thread who seem to have had kids as a canny 'breed your own carers' late life insurance scheme. Many will be in for a horrible shock.

OP, YANBU. Don't weaken.

I very much understand how you feel, I've already decided not to care for my mother in old age. I was the 'parent' when I was a child and don't wish to go back to
those days.

I dont think people are denigrating raising a child, simply that its not a tit for tat arrangement. You cant argue that just because someone raised you, that you must care for them in later life. Often, people caught in the sandwich generation have their own kids to raise in addition to elderly parents and its often not physically possible to do both, in addition to working. That doesnt mean you are some heartless monster, which is exactly what some have implied.

It’s fine that she moved away when you were grown up. But she needs to understand that comes with consequences and has impacted you relationship with her, so no, yanbu to not want her living with you once she’s old and frail and needs constant support!

Some of these comments are unreal. Someone calling it 'chilling' that the OP doesn't want to care for her parent. A lot saying you basically owe it to a parent for raising you. I really don't understand it.

OP is not close to her Mother, they hardly have a relationship, why would she suddenly want to become a nursemaid. And even if they were close I don't think that adult DC should be responsible for caring for a parent. DH helps out his Mum when he can, but she made sure she lives somewhere that meets her care needs.

"Family and moral obligation" seems mostly to mean women doing the arse wiping. Stay strong, me and my DSis did. My mum did nothing to look after her elders

Manage her expectations now. I don’t blame you at all.

“Yes it’ll be lovely if you move back here when you are older. It’ll be great to pop in and see you for an hour or so every week. I think finding a place somewhere no more than about 10/20 minutes away would be great. Close enough for a weekly visit but not too close as to be in each others pockets annoying each other. I have a friend who’s made the mistake of living with their parent and it’s ruined their relationship. I’ll never put us in that position.”

Its very clear that a lot of people on this thread have no freaking clue what caring for a parent can actually involve. My father had lewy body dementia and parkinsons. He couldnt be left for even a moment as he would try to put scissors in electrical sockets, try to go wandering out the front door, he would put the hob rings on and forget to turn them off, he would fall constantly. There is no way I could have physically coped with that in my home as well as caring for my own children- there was also a safety aspect as he could have easily burnt the house down if left to his own devices. I also used to scoff and say "I'd never put my dad in a home". That soon changed when I realised the gravity of the situation and the risks to everyone involved.

That's fine to make that decision but be aware that social services provision for older adults varies enormously across the UK

@giraffetrousers 👏 👏👏

@Moonshine5 I think it's the parent who needs to be aware of how things work, not the target carer

Don't have kids if you don't want to raise them then 🤷‍♀️

I’m not saying therefore she should commit to assisting her mother in old age. I’m saying that she is complaining she “could have used her help but she’s never been interested in helping” is a little hypocritical because she’s not entitled to her mother’s help beyond raising her either.

It's not hypocritical at all. Parenting is a lifelong commitment, not something you stop bothering with once your child hits a certain age.

It’s not tit for tat. Her mother was entitled to a life of her own living abroad if she wanted that for herself so saying she’s not ‘interested in helping’ is rather off.

I agree her mother was entitled to do what she wanted but actions have consequences.

Yes i also find this point quite interesting as I believe an increasing amount of people are moving away from their parents/home town for work, so they won’t live anywhere near their parents to help out in old age. I certainly wouldn’t be expecting to live near my kids in old age and won’t be expecting them to care for me either.

Thanks everyone. If she were to move back I would be happy to pop in to see her, or take her out to lunch. I would not be happy to run her around to appointments, do caring responsibilities or cook/clean for her.

If she were to move back now, and we could help each other when needed, I’d be more inclined to provide more help later on, but she has no intention of doing that and wants to live her life abroad before coming back when she needs help as she gets older.

And yes of course she is entitled to do whatever she wants in her life, including living abroad. I just don’t see why I should be the help option when she needs when she hasn’t been around to help me when I’ve needed.

Wow!! This is sad on SO many levels. I hope your children feel the same about you when you get older.

Nor should you, OP. You have your own children who you need to focus on. I often think that the children of parents caring for elderly relatives get a raw deal. If you're pulled from pillar to post working and providing care for your mother, you'll be a less good mother to your own children - it's trite but you can't pour from an empty cup. Your children should not come second to your mother.

Yes I should care for my parents whom put me into care and let people abuse me, because you know that's the right thing to do!

OP you do what you feel YOU need to do, just because they gave you life (which you didn't bloody ask for) does not mean you have to look after family members who didn't give 2 shinning shits about how you were.

Wow!! This is sad on SO many levels. I hope your children feel the same about you when you get older.

Why is it sad?

Lots of people would prefer carers or social services coming than their own children. Elderly care is a huge burden to take on and not something that should be done lightly. It can destroy couples and families and people's own health.

Depending on where your mum has moved to you might be legally obligated to pay towards her care if she can't afford it and you don't do it yourself.
This is what would happen if she is resident in France and it can and us enforced through the UK court system

However YANBU to choose who lives with you.

YANBU OP, please keep reminding yourself of that no matter how much she, or anyone else, tries to tell you otherwise.

This post is exactly what is wrong with society. Just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you SHOULD do it.

Apart from in cases of child abuse or terrible unkindness, I can't even imagine for a second not looking after a parent, if they requested it.

My mum wasn't the best when I was growing up due to her coldness and penchant for dishing out beatings.
She has Alzheimer's and is bed bound. She is also doubly incontinent and is at the stage where she needs spoonfeeding and can no longer speak. She can scream though, my god, can she scream along with lashing out with her fists.
She lives at home with my dad, they are both in their early ninety and my dad does the housework and cooking as he's still quite sprightly and fit, but he couldn't manage my mum's needs. There is no way I will ever put her in a home. I've worked in plenty of those rotten places and while ever I've got a breath in my body, she will stay in her own home with my assistance.
I work nights so I can see to her needs through the day, I tend to her seven days per week.
It's not easy on either me or my DH, there are times when I feel like running away.
But, she's my mum and I adore her so I get on with it because I wouldn't have it any other way.
However, it's a personal choice. You have to do what you think is right for you, not your mum.