To not want to look after my mum

[Overthebow]

My parents moved abroad when I was in my twenties. I don’t have any close by family in the UK and when they left I wasn’t in a good place mentally. They’ve visited a couple of times a year, but we aren’t close now and they don’t have a close relationship with my dc either as they barely know them. We don't speak much. Now it’s just my mum, and although I’ve suggested it she does not want to move back to the UK currently. She does however think she might move back when she’s older so she can get help from family (me), and won’t be elderly alone. She’s even hinted at living with us.

Aibu to think that actually, I don’t really want to help when she’s older and I definitely don’t want her living with us? I could have really used her help and support over the years, especially now when I have young children, but she’s never been interested in helping me.

Fair enough, others can imagine it though (and have their own reasons). Please don't try to make others feel guilty for making different choices than you.

Out of interest, what is the criteria for having to legally pay towards care? What if you don’t live near your parent or don’t have spare money yourself?

Then you clearly struggle with the concept that everyone is different and have their own needs and relationships. Just because that's how you feel it doesn't mean others should.

People don't need this mawkish guiltfest.

But I bet you'd have no trouble having a change of mind/heart if your mum had a large inheritance and decided to leave it to someone else because of your feelings towards her.

I'm giving my opinion, and I don't care if someone feels guilty. Just as everyone else isn't caring about those of us that think differently.

Is there any reason why you feel the need to make comments like this?
We get that you feel it's your duty to look after your parent(s) but others can take a different view!
Also, for some people, no matter of money would make them want or be able to look after an elderly frail relative who may have complex needs.
Is your sense duty actually motivated by what you think you will get?

So everyone parrots that ‘parenting is a choice’ when it comes to not expecting your children to care for you in old age just because you raised them, yet no one says ‘parenting is a choice’ when OP expected help for her own children from her mother, seemingly in exchange for expected care in old age.

So what is the currency to exchange for care in old age then, if any? Because people here are acting as though there is one if ‘actions have consequences’. Seems as if OP is largely just annoyed that her mother hasn’t been the country to offer her free childcare.

I could have inherited far more if I had looked after my dad myself but I couldnt physically do it. A large inheritance 15 years down the line is not much comfort if I've had a mental breakdown by that point is it?

You are entitled to give your opinion, but not in a way which somehow suggests others who don't share this opinion reflect 'exactly what is wrong with society'.

I’m not expecting much in the way of inheritance at all. My mum spends her money on travelling and living well, as is her right, and doesn’t have much in assets. It wouldn’t change my mind anyway, we are financially secure and don’t need an inheritance.

Of course you have to make up your own mind , OP. Having read the thread, though, I would advise you to be calm, careful and restricted with your words in real life.

In order to avoid the judges and the interfering ( and possibly in the future, the authorities) just state without emotion that you barely know your mother, as she has discouraged much contact through your adult life.

FWIW, she seems to me to be indulging in a fantasy of the future, just has she has indulged a fantasy of her current life. That has worked well so far, but won’t in the real future.

As I understand it (which is not in a huge amount of detail) the obligation to pay is assumed and you would have to provide proof that payment would put you into hardship in order to be excused.
Interestingly the obligation is also to pay for your parents in law (if your spouse/ their siblings can't pay) and it passes on to adult grandchildren of the person needing help too.

You have no fucking idea about my family situation so I suggest you stop.

I don’t expect help. I’ve had years of no help and have got on with it. I don’t need help with childcare as we can afford to pay for nursery. My point is that although I don’t need it, it would be nice to have some support and help from my mum, when I was younger and had mental health issues, and also now that I have young children. I know I’m not entitled to it and she is free to live her life as she wants, but in my opinion it would be nice if she wanted to be there and give some support. That’s what families do, support each other when needed, and if my family had that mentality then I would be happy to do the same when she needs it.

Thankfully it’s not France, the country she lives in doesn’t have this obligation.

YANBU at all. She’s got a bloody cheek tbh

I see my parents regularly and have a good relationship with them, but when the subject of me living with either or both of them to provide care is raised I make it clear that I am not temperamentally suited to the role and am too old myself and I expect them to spend down their savings to get the care they need rather than me sacrificing my remaining active years.

Family relationships are often complex, but I think if a child is going to resent looking after an elderly parent (for a whole host of reasons) then it's a good idea if they don't enter into such a set up. While social care can be woefully inadequate in some cases, there is also good care out there, and a trained professional can sometimes care better for the older person than the adult child. I don't think some people realise the emotional and physical toll of taking care of an older relative, and it can change the dynamic of a relationship completely.

Nobody should be made to feel bad for feeling that they cannot do it.

I can see both sides here. As a divorced mum of adult children I am tempted to move abroad when I’m forced to sell my house to pay off my ex, as it will be more affordable and I can work from anywhere. So I’d never say it was selfish to want to enjoy the later years of your life, probably after years of working and bringing up a family. Also I hate the weather and cost of living here. I’ve discussed the option with my kids and said I absolutely won’t do it till they are both “settled” as much as they can be (DD is still at University, I support her financially and I’m staying put as long as she wants to come home to me in the holidays even though she’s planning a long postgraduate degree!). Both my kids love to travel themselves though and have been positively encouraging (possibly buoyed by the sunshine retreat aspect!) so I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing to move away when your kids are grown up, especially as it’s so easy to keep in touch and get home for visits regularly.

Having said that, whether I do go abroad or whether circumstances change and I stay here and babysit grandkids every day of my life, I absolutely do not want either of my children to look after me in my old age, especially if my health and cognitive abilities fail. I didn’t raise them to live a life caring for me and I would hate to put them in the awkward position of giving me personal care. I’d far prefer a professional to do it. My parents were both wonderful and independent and although I visited weekly and phoned every day (they lived about an hour’s drive away) both died when my kids were very young of very rapid conditions (massive stroke/pancreatic cancer) so I never had years of caring as a “sandwich generation” mum and daughter. However I’ve seen the tremendous toll it’s taken on some of my friends who have parents with dementia and I’d hate my kids to go through what they are experiencing. I brought them into the world to live their lives, not babysit me through the end of mine. I don’t think you should have children and expect them to care for you forever.

Well, some people make decisions on adult care based on what kind of care is best and most appropriate for the elderly person, rather than viewing their parents solely in terms of how much money they can squeeze out of them after they're dead. HTH.

Pussygaloregalapagos · Today 04:00
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Well depends on your culture. In Britain that would be considered not unreasonable. Most cultures though have an expectation that children will be responsible for and care for theirs elderly parents. Personally I think the moral responsibility is on you to care for the person who brought you life. Even if you received less support than you would have liked the classic, two wrongs doesn’t make a right could be invoked.
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We do have a welfare state though to pick up people with no familial support and help to plug that gap so your Mother would get some assistance when she is elderly. You will just need to pay, like everyone with slightly increased taxes for the care responsibilities transferring from personal to the state“

What rubbish. No-one should have children so that they’re looked after when they’re old. Awful expectation.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable, OP.

People are acting as though I'm saying OP should therefore care for her elderly mother – I have said twice on this thread that I don't think she should. I am simply wondering what you barter to expect that help, as posters are acting as though there is indeed something to be exchanged to either expect it or not expect it.

Bature

“From the perspective of most other cultures, it’s chilling.”

Don’t be ridiculous. Chilling? 🤣

Is this shit true? Mind you, France has ridiculous entitlement anyway.

How can a country 'force' a non-resident to pay for care ? Seems like carte blanche for an abusive parent to screw their children even more. I'd go bankrupt first.

And although I'm not in the OPs situation as both my parents are dead, but if either of them had pissed off somewhere else and then decided they'd return when they needed caring for, they'd find my doors well and truly shut.

Finlesswonder · Today 06:08
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I'm British and find your outlook and the attitudes on here so weird.
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They went abroad when you were an adult. Why are you so hung up on this? She gave birth to you, raised you, got you set up in the world, but then had the audacity to move away when youcould have done with a free skivvy and now you want to punish her by condemning her to old age alone?
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What does your DP say? This perspective would massively turn me off a partner”

I would be massively turned off by a partner who told me their mother would be moving in with us in the future.