To not want to look after my mum

[Overthebow]

My parents moved abroad when I was in my twenties. I don’t have any close by family in the UK and when they left I wasn’t in a good place mentally. They’ve visited a couple of times a year, but we aren’t close now and they don’t have a close relationship with my dc either as they barely know them. We don't speak much. Now it’s just my mum, and although I’ve suggested it she does not want to move back to the UK currently. She does however think she might move back when she’s older so she can get help from family (me), and won’t be elderly alone. She’s even hinted at living with us.

Aibu to think that actually, I don’t really want to help when she’s older and I definitely don’t want her living with us? I could have really used her help and support over the years, especially now when I have young children, but she’s never been interested in helping me.

If you don't expect help, then it doesn't makes sense for you to be bitter about not having received it. If you believe 'that's what families do, support each other when needed', then you have indeed expected it.

I will reiterate, again, that I have said repeatedly that I don't think you should be expected to care for your mother in old age, nor have her live with you. I have simply wondered what exactly the 'tit for that' is when asking for and expecting help.

I see it less as a 'barter' set up and more that previous events have helped mould how someone feels about the relationship. I also think someone automatically expecting to be looked after is a bit presumptuous, regardless of how good the relationship was/is.

Yes OP, the 'audacity' to want relationship which is fundamentally built on reciprocity. Some people here are totally missing the point; it is not about the moving away it is about the lack of support and investment in the relationship. It is not 'all about me' to want something back from relationship, otherwise it is not relationship, it is a one way street. Keep your boundaries safe and dont submit to the guilt being pedalled on here by posters who are happy to be doormats for their parents. She is not 'owed' simply because she gave birth to you; personally I find it 'chilling' that so many posters are happy to sacrifice themselves for an unloving, unsupportive, selfish mother -and isn't it funny that's is generally women who are expected to make these sacrifices.

This is entirely incorrect in the UK

Moonshine5

That's fine to make that decision but be aware that social services provision for older adults varies enormously across the UK”

Older adults should have been planning for potential care needs in later life for years. We have. We’re not the responsibility of our children.

Yes but the OP's mother does not live in the UK.
Fortunately the OP has clarified that her mum doesn't live in France either but there could be similar laws in other countries so it is worth considering/ finding out about if your parents live abroad.

Jimkana · Today 09:22

Spencer0220 · Today 03:40

YANBU.

DH and I aren't going to look after either set of parents, financially or physically.

Not just because we wouldn't have the time/space/physical health to do it, but because we think it's better for social services to be involved.

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Wow!! This is sad on SO many levels. I hope your children feel the same about you when you get older.

Why is it sad? What are those levels. Professional help in every other aspect of life is always preferable to an amateur. Why should care be any different?

I know! Blew my mind when I first found out about it. You can get an exception if you can prove neglect/ abuse.
Anyway. OP has said this doesn't apply in her case so I'll stop derailing the thread.

Why is it sad? What are those levels. Professional help in every other aspect of life is always preferable to an amateur. Why should care be any different?

Absolutely. I would want someone caring for me to be trained and know what they were doing! If you dont transfer someone correctly you can cause all sorts of injuries to both yourself and the other person for example.

Jimkana · Today 09:34
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But I bet you'd have no trouble having a change of mind/heart if your mum had a large inheritance and decided to leave it to someone else because of your feelings towards her.”

Might surprise you that not everyone is a grabby sod. Couldn’t care less about “inheritance”, personally.
Is that why you’re going to look after your parents? In expectation of money. Explains a lot.

I am Asian and we do tend to look after our parents and have close bonds. . That being said we also have massive family support for mothers and children as well. Not sure what I would do here. I think fi she wants to move back so she knows someone in the area that would be fine alongside some shopping and looking after financial details etc. If you do not really know her though, I cannot see how you can become her personal carer or be responsible for food, washing, ironing etc. I think there needs to be an honest discussion about this.

She obviously thinks the British taxpayers are going to pick up her costs too - does she realise that both healthcare and other care is for those ordinarily resident in the U.K., you can't just move here when you need it!

I would hate for my kids to be burdened with my care when I become infirm. They ought to be living their own lives. Possibly they will also be caring for their own children. Why would I want them to be stressed about me?

I hope they'll check in on me and see that I'm well cared for by carers or in a home. And I hope our relationship will continue to be strong enough that they'll enjoy visiting me so we can have a chat.

The OP hasn’t really clarified exactly why they don’t have much of a relationship though, just said they come back twice a year (presumably to see their children though? Not clear). If they don’t, they don’t – fair enough. Though OP seems to implying that she fundamentally blames them for moving away in the first place.

But they turned their backs on her knowing that she needed them.

By moving away when she was in her 20’s?! Seriously? That’s the awful thing they did to her? Read the part of my comment about centring.

I also know that a lot of elders in those communities take advantage of that and are very abusive both mentally, physically and financially towards the younger generations.

Some parents are arseholes. Most are decent people who do their best. Like in every culture. And, for most of the world (the U.K. is the outlier, not vice versa), this means that when the time comes to take care of them, we don’t go ‘your best wasn’t perfect/you didn’t do childcare for me/you dared to have a life when I was a fully grown adult/insert standard entitled MN nonsense’ and therefore I owe you nothing. We take care of them to the best of our ability.

The U.K. is one of the least hospitable cultures towards its elderly in the world. I don’t know how or why this has come about, but I find it desperately sad.

If OP’s parents were, in fact, lousy - then that’s one thing. If she’s provided info that they were since my last comment, then my apologies. However, nothing in the OP indicates that this was the case. And, either way, my points re wider societal attitudes remain.

I looked after my mum and then dad when she died. He had dementia. I’ve got to say it nearly finished me what with working full time and having children. Hubs is one of 5, and a few years ago after dad died one of his sisters had ‘the’ conversation with me saying ‘ mum will be ok won’t she because you’ll look after her’, his mum is divorced and lives alone and as the years went on had a few health issues. I couldn’t get over the cheek of it! There’s 4 of them all with their own homes some without children! So as I’d given up 15 years looking after the parents that I loved I said no! I said it was up to them to look after their mum not me. Then we sold up and moved away - not too far just far enough away to make it impossible because of downsizing etc.

my parents did so much for me it was a pleasure to take care of them. My mil left her children when they were young it’s for them to tell her that they’re not looking after her not for me to step up.

Yes. The attitudes on here towards elderly parents are chilling. A society that operates in this manner isn’t functional.

I would remind her of the fact that as she hasn't paid tax or NI in the UK for many years, she isn't entitled to free NHS care..

I think you should be honest with her and stop the hints dead in their tracks. “Mum you will not be living with me.” “Mum I will not be caring for you”. Be upfront. She has no right to ask after she effectively left you to fend for yourself, and now the shoe is on the other foot she wants your help. It would be a firm no from me.

Bature · Today 10:56

MrsSkylerWhite · Today 10:05

Bature
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“From the perspective of most other cultures, it’s chilling.”

Don’t be ridiculous. Chilling? 🤣
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Yes. The attitudes on here towards elderly parents are chilling. A society that operates in this manner isn’t functional

Oh twaddle. My husband and I are 64 and 59. We’ve had decades to get used to the idea that we’re going to be old and possibly need care one day and have planned accordingly, as should everyone.

No way am I expecting my kids to wipe my bum or deal with me if dementia sets in. I’d send them away with a flea in their ear if they tried. They’ve their own lives to live. They haven’t chosen caring as a profession so why the hell should they care for us? I want professionals if that time comes, thank you. Frankly, they wouldn’t anyway. I’ve brought them up to understand it’s not wanted or needed.

They want us to spend our money on living comfortably in our later years, too, in case you were wondering if they’d come sniffing around if the prospect of inheritance reared its ugly head. Our family is wonderfully functional.

Nor do I.

I'm really squeamish and can't really cope with other's bodily functions if I'm honest

Obviously you're not obliged to do the caring yourself, but personally I'd be happy to support her in getting this in place with others - professional agency, supported housing or whatever

Only thing I'd suggest is to start making your boundaries clear now so that you don't have a situation where she's frail and claims to be unable to do anything for herself, at which point it can be harder to say no. You could even drop this in casually occasionally, asking how she's getting on with her plans

YANBU.

Your reap what you sow in life.
Going through a similar situation myself with my in laws.
As a PP says mentioned on here it is probably best to be upfront with her.

Good luck OP!

Relationships are built on mutual support, so I don't think you should feel obliged to provide 1:1 round the clock care for an elderly parent. Doing so would stress even the best relationship anyway and if you aren't emotionally close (a natural consequence of their choices on living so far away for so long) your DM is wrong to expect to live with you. However, I would start researching elderly care options in your area (nursing homes and supported living accommodation or at home care in her own place) so that if she does seriously suggest moving in with you, you already have some alternatives and can't be railroaded into agreeing because "how else can I live?"

. However, I would start researching elderly care options in your area (nursing homes and supported living accommodation or at home care in her own place) so that if she does seriously suggest moving in with you, you already have some alternatives and can't be railroaded into agreeing because "how else can I live

Sounds like Mother is perfectly capable of doing her own research. Don’t do that, OP, slippery slope. Don’t get sucked in at all. Make it very clear from the off that she can make her own arrangements.