To not want to look after my mum

[Overthebow]

My parents moved abroad when I was in my twenties. I don’t have any close by family in the UK and when they left I wasn’t in a good place mentally. They’ve visited a couple of times a year, but we aren’t close now and they don’t have a close relationship with my dc either as they barely know them. We don't speak much. Now it’s just my mum, and although I’ve suggested it she does not want to move back to the UK currently. She does however think she might move back when she’s older so she can get help from family (me), and won’t be elderly alone. She’s even hinted at living with us.

Aibu to think that actually, I don’t really want to help when she’s older and I definitely don’t want her living with us? I could have really used her help and support over the years, especially now when I have young children, but she’s never been interested in helping me.

Then you have a very limited imagination 🙄

So…..parents don’t get to live their own lives once their children are grown up? They must sit around waiting to help with grandchildren and if they don’t, should expect to receive zero support in their old age? Seriously? Are you all going to do just that? Wait about? Or live whatever life you have left with whatever money you have and enjoy it?

I find it cold to be honest. Even if she wasn't around in your 20s, she did bring you up? Don't you have memories of her from your childhood? And you can just turn away from that?

No way am I expecting my kids to wipe my bum or deal with me if dementia sets in. I’d send them away with a flea in their ear if they tried. They’ve their own lives to live. They haven’t chosen caring as a profession so why the hell should they care for us? I want professionals if that time comes, thank you. Frankly, they wouldn’t anyway. I’ve brought them up to understand it’s not wanted or needed.

Couldnt agree more! I cant imagine anything worse than having my kids wipe my arse for me. No thank you. I want them to have good memories of me, not having their last memories of me being them giving me personal care. I dont want that for myself or for them. As you said, they did not choose a career in being a carer so why on earth would I expect them to be suited to it, or even be good at it?

When you have children, the care part is for life. It’s part of the choice you make when you have them. Obviously if the children grow into adults who don’t need additional care, you can live your life at a distance. But you don’t get to opt out completely just because they’re grown.

The other way doesn’t apply. We don’t have children with the idea that they (let’s face it, ‘they’ means daughters or daughter in laws) have to give up a huge chunk of the middle of their lives up to care for their parents. Especially in this day and age - it used to be more workable because women were family carers regardless, didn’t work, their children were nearly or already grown etc. Now people are having children later, are many years away from retirement (if at all) and don’t have the time or capacity to be a full time family carer. And believe me being a family carer is the toughest, most thankless work going. ‘But I love my parents and will do anything for them’ will not save your mental or physical health by the end.

YANBU

I am in a similar situation and have struggled massively on my own.

I have also ended up in abusive relationships due to having such a low opinion of myself which stems from how she criticised and neglected me as a child. She’s very narcissistic and has continuously put others before her own DC. She should never have had children.

She did go thorough a softer phase when she’d occasionally have my DC for the weekend but only really because she wanted to parade them around like show ponies to demonstrate what a loving grandma she was the the rest of the village. It wasn’t real. Always on her terms.

She is getting more and more vulnerable now. I will not be looking after her.

Your comment is very harsh - different societies and cultures view expectations of caring for elderly parents differently, and there is no right or wrong. It is definitely evident however that women often draw the short straw when being expected to look after parents, or in some case even parents in law!

Parents can live whatever life they want. But if they miss the years when their adult children need support themselves, why should those children drop everything to support parents when they decide to come back to get it.

@Davros you are indeed correct but it was the target carer that made the statement so I was responding to them to share knowledge.

Having a frail elderly person being cared for by an exhausted, untrained and resentful child is undesirable and dangerous for BOTH. Don't think your mother is being realistic here.

Even when relations are good it's SO hard. My Mum had to look after 2 elderly relatives in succession and it drove her to a nervous breakdown. She told me very firmly to place her in a residential home if needed!

I’m not planning on doing “care” for my mother. She’s never really bothered about helping me and realistically who will have time? I’m going to be working till I’m late 60s probably. My own dc will be having children / have young children.

I would never want to burden my children with my care needs. Honestly I’m hoping by that time the law has changed and once quality of life declines then you can make choices regarding your death.

There is a reason why not everyone chooses to be a professional carer- because they dont think they have the skills, temperament or ability to do that job. I'm a bit baffled why people are assuming that anyone can just slot into that role effortlessly whenever its demanded of them, as if its a role suited to everyone. Its not. You have to have lots of patience, knowledge, and to be able to deal with body fluids and potentially challenging behaviour in the case of dementia etc

Its not an easy job- its incredibly demanding and can really cause issues with existing relationships and can sometimes cause people to have mental break downs due to the stress of it. Trying to force or guilt someone into that role benefits absolutely noone. Most pertinently, it certainly wont benefit the person being cared for either.

@Bature
"Some parents are arseholes. Most are decent people who do their best. Like in every culture. And, for most of the world (the U.K. is the outlier, not vice versa), this means that when the time comes to take care of them, we don’t go ‘your best wasn’t perfect/you didn’t do childcare for me/you dared to have a life when I was a fully grown adult/insert standard entitled MN nonsense’ and therefore I owe you nothing. We take care of them to the best of our ability. "

"The U.K. is one of the least hospitable cultures towards its elderly in the world. I don’t know how or why this has come about, but I find it desperately sad"

I believe that the reason the UK is an "outlier" is because we are used to women having jobs, opinions and freedom. I think all this family care revolves around women and it's not fair or right

Well exactly. The NHS and parents expect one person to step into that role with no training.

One member of staff would not be permitted to be a sole carer on a shift and yet it's acceptable for a family member with no training to do it.

No don’t even think about it. I had a similar situation with my father, he moved back up north when he retired. There he was helping out his other relatives (he was a builder) with all sorts while I soldiered on as a single mum with an autistic son. After struggling with private rentals for years we were offered a new build social house. It was three bedroomed and pretty spacious mid terrace. When he nearly died from a COPD exacerbation he wrote to me telling me how much he regretted moving up there and wanted to be near his kids. Of course he did! Now that he needed us. Like a fool I felt sorry for him and decided I could turn our lounge into a bed sit for him, and likewise my bedroom for me. Those three years were the worst of my life. I found out what a reprehensible person he was and some of the things he confessed to made me despise him. But I was stuck with him, willing him to die. He was in his 80s and had severe COPD, congestive heart failure and couldn’t walk properly. If I had left him in his damp Edwardian ground floor flat he would have died within months or even weeks. Truth was I didn’t expect him to last another three years, and living conditions were intolerable. He didn’t bath or shower claiming he was ‘fine with a flannel and a basin’ so I had to deal with changing his smelly bed and shit covered underwear. Please let my experience be a lesson to you, you don’t know how much care she will need when she’s older and you WILL feel resentful that you are caring for her when she didn’t care for you. She has made her bed.

People saying that anything short of abusive behaviour on the part of a parent means an adult child should provide 24 hour nursing care in old age are wrong. There is a middle ground. I am not emotionally close to my parents for a variety of reasons and I can't imagine having them live with me or me becoming an almost live-in carer for them. However they aren't bad people so I will be making sure they are looked after when they are unable to take care of their own needs (eg helping to arrange nursing care or helping them find a suitable supported living place) and sorting grocery shopping if needed, visiting as regularly as possible. I absolutely will not be providing personal care (and I don't think they would want that anyway).

I think some parents, even those with very good, loving relationships with their adult children, are going to be in for a bit of a shock if they truly expect nothing has changed societally speaking, regarding caring for elders in these past few decades.

Realistically, the retirement age is going to be risen even further. The cost of living crisis is hammering most people. Home ownership is down.

Plenty of people who would otherwise might have taken on the caring responsibility and had the right training, will likely find it impossible to afford financially to drop out of the workforce - full time or otherwise - as well as juggling with their other responsibilities.

I hope these parents have been planning for their own care for years and not just decided to ignore which way the wind has been blowing. They can try to guilt trip the rest of us all they like, but it won't help.

And its no good judging the UK culture for this. We're not the same as some other cultures, some of whom are not always running around stressed to buggery.

I will do what I can to help both parents but neither will be living with me- I have my own disabled child to contend with.

And even if my child weren't disabled, I'd never expect her to have given up years of her life for my care. That is not her responsibility - I chose to have her.

your mum has got a cheek - was she a dutiful daughter herself or did she shoot off to do what she wanted to do?

No she very much hasn’t provided any care to her parents as they got old and then died, just visited them a couple of times a year.

Realistically, the retirement age is going to be risen even further. The cost of living crisis is hammering most people. Home ownership is down

Plenty of people who would otherwise might have taken on the caring responsibility and had the right training, will likely find it impossible to afford financially to drop out of the workforce - full time or otherwise - as well as juggling with their other responsibilities.

This is the reality for me. I dont want to be a carer for my parents but even if I DID, If I gave up my job to do so, I wouldnt be able to pay my mortgage (carers allowance wouldnt even touch it) and I'd end up losing my home. All those people saying people like me are heartless- you gonna pay my mortgage so I can do it then????

Realistically, the retirement age is going to be risen even further. The cost of living crisis is hammering most people. Home ownership is down.

Exactly. We own our home but we both work full time. DH's parents are in their eighties and mine approaching their seventies. Realistically we'll be working full-time for another 25-30 years ourselves - we won't have the time to provide anything like full-time care for anyone!

I love my kids too much to burden them with care responsibilities - I want them to be out there, living the best lives they can have.
I chose to have them and it's absolutely my responsibility to raise them and support them until they are happy, settled adults. They don't owe me their futures in exchange!

I bet there are a lot of very unhappy women in other cultures, whose parents or in-laws are sharing a home with them, interfering in the child raising and demanding care in their old age. I think multi generational living only works in big houses, with clearly separated living spaces and strong boundaries. Having a mn emotionally distant but entitle parent move into a normal family home, will create havoc!

OP you don't owe her this and your responsibility is to your own children.

The other thing to be considered by all those posters who say we should do care, is the spouse. It's their home and lives too. Hell would freeze over before I would have allowed my in-laws to move in - my marriage wouldn't have survived it!

And it's not only a question of having a full time job. Even when women ( and let's be honest, it usually is women expected to do this work) don't have jobs because they've been sahp or whatever, their time is their own. It's not for anyone else to decide it's up for grabs, just because they aren't in paid employment!

But you get on with both sets? SS are notoriously crap and underfunded. Feels weird to say no help at all if you generally get on with them.