Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

parents living the high life

413 replies

nearlyemptynes · 25/10/2023 12:15

Now I know we make our choices in life and we live with them. I have 3 children and have supported the eldest through uni and would do the same for the other two if that's what they want. I see this as our responsibility as parents. I have friends who have not supported their kids, haven't encouraged open days etc then when they kids don't go they have wonderful foreign holidays etc after saying they couldn't afford to send their kids to uni. AIBU to think they have their priorities wrong?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
TimeForACider · 25/10/2023 12:17

Sounds like you’ve been a bit of a martyr.

OlderandwiserMaybe · 25/10/2023 12:17

You know that University isn't the be all and end all of life don't you?
Perhaps your friends children have ambitions in a different direction.

Dont judge others by your own expectations.

Antst · 25/10/2023 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BIWI · 25/10/2023 12:19

It's actually none of your business how other people choose to parent, though, is it?

Virtue signalling and moral superiority are not good looks.

CalistoNoSolo · 25/10/2023 12:19

I agree op, I can't imagine not giving my dd every possible opportunity. Its not being a martyr, its being a decent parent.

BoohooWoohoo · 25/10/2023 12:19

Yabu to think that everyone has to go to university. If kids don't apply then that's because they have a career path in mind that doesn't need uni or the child isn't ready for uni as they aren't motivated enough to do the research.

readbooksdrinktea · 25/10/2023 12:20

BIWI · 25/10/2023 12:19

It's actually none of your business how other people choose to parent, though, is it?

Virtue signalling and moral superiority are not good looks.

Exactly this.

OlderandwiserMaybe · 25/10/2023 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

As in am I a Baby Boomer? NO

MigGirl · 25/10/2023 12:22

Yes university isn't the be all and end all, but I would judge, especially if the kids wanted to go and they said no.

I do question some parents priorities sometimes. My sister has been a bit like this DN really needed extra support at school, I said why don't you pay for a tutor(our parents did for us) Her response was they couldn't afford that, yet they run a caravan and go to America on holiday every year. You know some things are just a bit more important then a fancy holiday.

Gameofsoldiers1 · 25/10/2023 12:24

It’s an odd one. The thing is, if the child simply declares they are estranged from their parents and uses a different address (friend/ aunt whatever) they’ll get their course and pretty much all their living expenses covered. Likewise if they wait a couple years and go to uni as a ‘mature student’ so theoretically the kids can go to uni whether the parents support or not.
however, saying you can’t afford to contribute a few grand a year towards digs and then splashing out on holidays etc does come across as a bit of skewed priorities. My oldest didn’t want to go to uni, she found a job she was good at and shot up the ranks so we bunged her some cash to acquire and decorate a flat. Youngest will likely be at uni but stay living at home as we’re in the perfect location for this.
so I only speak theoretically, but I can’t ever imagine refusing to fund higher education for my kids.

Goodornot · 25/10/2023 12:24

My mum came on open days with me and then did nothing but slag off the university I chose, she wasn't financially supporting me anyway and contributed nothing, I even paid my graduation robe hire. She barely asked how uni was and I got a belly full of her problems every holiday.

Yabu. If an adult needs to be put through uni they shouldn't be going. They're adults at 18 if they wanted to go they'd go. I wanted to and I did despite no support.

Lavender14 · 25/10/2023 12:29

I don't think you're being unreasonable op, it's getting harder than ever to be able to get on the property ladder, access further education and pay bills and live away from home, buy a car etc.

I fully intend to do whatever I can to help ds access those steps in life and try to promote more generational wealth in the legacy I leave behind as well as the learning for ds in how to be appreciative of money.

I think it's also about trying to give your kids the best chance at life. I grew up with no financial support from my family post 18 and my friends were being given cars and petrol money, had their rent paid for them, had 5 nights worth of dinner given to them at the weekend, had their uni fees paid so they weren't coming out in debt. They were able to spend their spare time partying and studying. I spent my time working and saying no to things so I could afford basics. Needless to say I'm good with money now, but even though we're all earning around the same they were on the property ladder about 10 years before me even though I was paying more than them in rent. They had savings but I was living hand to mouth. This is now impacting on whether or not we can have a second child.

I fully understand that your money is your own, but I don't see why you'd have kids if you're not going to want to support them as much as you can in a climate where everything is climbing in expense. I want my son to understand value of money and to work hard but I want his goals to be achievable too.

Antst · 25/10/2023 12:30

In this day and age, few people can build a stable, comfortable life without getting some kind of further education or training. No one should need me to say that it's rarely free. Those who bleat that we shouldn't "force" kids into further education are usually insecure about their own backgrounds, in my experience. The reality is that parents who spend every penny on themselves are choosing to reduce their kids' choices in life. I don't understand why people have kids when they're not prepared to provide decent parenting.

I go to a local cafe that's staffed by kids who are independent. They're all bright and creative and intelligent. They work very hard for minimum wage serving customers who are mainly students from the nearby university. They don't have a hope of getting to do anything better because they can't afford not to work full-time. I have sat with a couple of them to try and figure out options and even taking time off to interview is a challenge. There are auxiliary costs associated with university (even the application process) and any other local training programme that they can't afford.

I was also independent at a young age, but it was before the 2008 financial crisis when there were more scholarships and rents were lower. These days, kids who don't get parental help are in a much tougher situation and we all know it.

Antst · 25/10/2023 12:31

OlderandwiserMaybe · 25/10/2023 12:20

As in am I a Baby Boomer? NO

Show quote history

Then you have even less of an excuse for that attitude.

Lavender14 · 25/10/2023 12:35

P.s I think op has been pretty clear in their post that they'd encourage uni if that's what their kid wanted. And is asking if parents refusing to encourage it so they can spend the money elsewhere is reasonable. I don't think that's suggesting uni is the be all and end all or the only route.

ComtesseDeSpair · 25/10/2023 12:39

There’s a significant difference between affording a holiday and affording “supporting” children through university to the tune of tens thousands of pounds - which is what any meaningful financial support is going to look like over three years. I wouldn’t judge a parent for being unwilling to commit to the latter, nor for encouraging their DC to consider other options - particularly if DC is not hugely academic and ultimately sees university as an “experience.”

BitofaStramash · 25/10/2023 12:40

Whilst I share your priorities and not your friends it's ok for people to have different priorities and make different choices.

RestingPlace · 25/10/2023 12:43

Well, say so to your friends, and don't start a thread on the internet looking for complete strangers to agree with you?

Daleksatemyshed · 25/10/2023 12:43

Everyone knows their own DC and maybe your friends mention finances because they know it would be money wasted. Not everyone has the work ethic or the intelligence for Uni and leaving with a poor degree can damage your career chances more than no degree at all.

MsRosley · 25/10/2023 12:44

Antst · 25/10/2023 12:31

Then you have even less of an excuse for that attitude.

Show quote history

What on earth is wrong with Older's attitude, and how does it excuse your ageism and rudeness?

Many educated and informed parents are now starting to suggest that their kids look at alternatives to university, given the huge amounts of debt involved in a degree now, plus the employment market being flooded with graduates who can't find degree level jobs. Lots of people are now deciding to skip the degree, or drop out of uni, and go into apprenticeships or alternative qualifications. Some work their way up the corporate ladder instead.

Oh, and by the way, I have an Oxbridge degree, so not insecure about further education at all.

Heatherbell1978 · 25/10/2023 12:45

I don't disagree with you but we live in a world where people have very different views on what is important. We've had to battle with this recently as we're now looking at 10 years of school fees as we've decided to opt for private school for our kids. This won't leave us destitute but it rules out fancy cars, fancy holidays etc but we've decided that this is more important. Some will think we're mad and that's fine. We think they're mad for spending their money on material things. Different strokes for different folks.

Begsthequestion · 25/10/2023 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

@Antst What are you adding to the discussion with your ageism?

OP your title doesn't match your post - do you really think one holiday abroad is "living the high life??

University costs tens of thousands of pounds in fees, rent, living expenses etc. Maybe they can't afford that.

Gerrataere · 25/10/2023 12:47

Antst · 25/10/2023 12:31

Then you have even less of an excuse for that attitude.

Show quote history

I assume you’re not a True Millennial with ‘that’ attitude. Our generation were sold a lie about university being a ‘big deal’ and the only way to get ahead in life. There are many other options for a successful life.

clarebear111 · 25/10/2023 12:49

Antst · 25/10/2023 12:30

In this day and age, few people can build a stable, comfortable life without getting some kind of further education or training. No one should need me to say that it's rarely free. Those who bleat that we shouldn't "force" kids into further education are usually insecure about their own backgrounds, in my experience. The reality is that parents who spend every penny on themselves are choosing to reduce their kids' choices in life. I don't understand why people have kids when they're not prepared to provide decent parenting.

I go to a local cafe that's staffed by kids who are independent. They're all bright and creative and intelligent. They work very hard for minimum wage serving customers who are mainly students from the nearby university. They don't have a hope of getting to do anything better because they can't afford not to work full-time. I have sat with a couple of them to try and figure out options and even taking time off to interview is a challenge. There are auxiliary costs associated with university (even the application process) and any other local training programme that they can't afford.

I was also independent at a young age, but it was before the 2008 financial crisis when there were more scholarships and rents were lower. These days, kids who don't get parental help are in a much tougher situation and we all know it.

Completely agree with this.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 25/10/2023 12:49

CalistoNoSolo · 25/10/2023 12:19

I agree op, I can't imagine not giving my dd every possible opportunity. Its not being a martyr, its being a decent parent.

I agree as well.

Even if they don't go to uni, they need support while they're if they're looking for/doing apprenticeships, entry level jobs, etc

I know a number of parents that have really shocked me with their own constant hobbies, nights out and holidays while their pre-teen and teenage children are left at home to fend for themselves all the time. And these are teens they have struggled with their mental health, etc And then the parents wonder why their children are struggling in school and in life...