parents living the high life

[nearlyemptynes]

Now I know we make our choices in life and we live with them. I have 3 children and have supported the eldest through uni and would do the same for the other two if that's what they want. I see this as our responsibility as parents. I have friends who have not supported their kids, haven't encouraged open days etc then when they kids don't go they have wonderful foreign holidays etc after saying they couldn't afford to send their kids to uni. AIBU to think they have their priorities wrong?

That's funny because I got a grant and topped up with several part time jobs.

Not ideal but it was what I had to do.

In my day…..blimey I said it!😳
Yes we all went off to open days on our own with our heavy portfolios for interviews, our train fare from our own earnings from Saturday jobs and all looking smart.

Times have changed.
These days some parents are more encouraging. More aware.

Yes, I agree. There are loads of Unis that aren't in city centres and that are nowhere near railway stations, so the journey becomes very complicated and involves different modes of public transport which, in the absence of any integrated system means trains/buses that don't connect etc. Given how crap and unreliable public transport is these days, it's not really a viable option for lots of students, especially if they're relying on the "last" train home at the end of the day, which far too often doesn't run, potentially leaving the student stranded overnight!

At the very least, I think "lifts" from parents, at least part of the way, are pretty much the norm these days.

@lifeturnsonadime im the same.
Didnt get a penny or even emotional support.
Dont think my parents had the first idea what Uni was all about.
They had to leave school at 14

Sounds like they have supported their children in their own way as have you

@TigerQueenie absolutely agree with you there. We told our DS who is taking A levels next June to let us know which open days he wanted to go to and we would book accommodation and take him to them. He dragged his feet and even though we kept checking in with him he didn't seem interested. He has now finally told us that he wants to do an apprenticeship instead and has applied and is going through the process of skills and competency tests and digital interviews now.

My DH works in the field that DS wants to work in and having spoken to lots of younger people in his line of work it seems the trend is towards apprenticeships now because of the cost of uni. My friend's daughter has just finished her apprenticeship in the same field and is now qualified and earning a good salary with no student debt.

There is a part of me that is sad he won't get the full uni experience ( DH and I didn't go to Uni so part of it was us wanting him to experience what we couldn't ) but I believe he has made the correct decision for him.

Obviously DH and I will be quite happy not to have the financial burden of three years supporting him through uni but we were prepared to do it if that's what he wanted.

I think for many first generation undergraduates this is the case.

I also applied for a hardship fund from my uni at one point after my Dad died and I incurred additional expenses.

I think many don't realise, most of my friends were funded and some came into (and spent) inheritances whilst at uni.

I cleaned toilets, worked behind bars, did part time tele-sales and retail roles to fund my law degree!

I got a grant too and worked too. My grant (like yours and like all grants) was means tested based on my parents income. Because my parents had an obligation to support me if they had the money. As it happens they didn’t have the money and I got a full grant and loan.

so yes, students have always relied on parental support

Op your not doing your kids any favours by funding their uni lifestyle. They need a job and work experience like most other uni students it teaches lifeskills and looks good on a cv.

That is just so much crap.

Back in the 70s/80s when I was growing up, my parents were very education focused. My aunts/uncles/family friends were too. Both my parents were very intelligent but never got the chance to further their education. My dad left school at 14 to work on the family farm. It was always assumed that we would go to uni, and 3 out of 4 of us did. The one who didn't had health issues.

Most of my cousins also are graduates, on both sides of the family. I would not have missed out on my uni experience for the world. That was pre-Blair, when something like the top 5% of 18 year olds went to uni.

Two of my three children are graduates, and the third is in uni.

However, I see a huge value in vocational training, particularly now that graduates are ten a penny. I had a tiler working here recently, same age as my eldest, who has a degree and PGCE. I am willing to bet (certainly from what I paid him!) he is earning a huge amount more than my DC, and has more autonomy over his work. This guy left school at 16 and went straight onto building sites.

I also think degree apprenticeships are a great way to go, because you're earning and learning at the same time, not accumulating a mountain of debt.

I am at a loss to see why this OP garnered so many snarky responses. I can only assume that these are down to some inadequacies/personal hangups on the part of the posters.

I would never treat myself to "wonderful foreign holidays" while depriving my child of the opportunity to go to university! I think that's disgusting actually. I do still think though that there are ways and means for a young person determined to go to uni, and that a lack of parental support isn't necessarily a deterrent. All of mine have contributed to their own education by working part-time. They've been supported in various ways, from living FOC at home, to having their everyday living expenses supplemented, and one spent a year on unpaid internships in London - that cost big-time!!

I guess we were in the fortunate position of being able to do that and take holidays abroad, including paying for all three offspring to go with us.

@nearlyemptynes I don't think your comment is unreasonable. I am getting to a point in my life where I would like to put myself first more often, having been a mum for 26 years, but it wouldn't ever be at the expense of my kids. I don't think any decent parent would.

Ok I thought you were saying that historically everyone expected and had parental support but you're not saying that.

So it's the same now, except I think that the loans have not kept up with cost of living rises.

I understand how uni is financed! Some people might not be willing to take the debt though. And if they are and get the full amount, then the parents aren’t stopping them from going. I did say it depends on the circumstances.

I do wish somebody would define the word "friend", because on MN it seems to vary on a spectrum that includes "people I judge", "people I despise", and "people everyone should despise".

Oddly, I always thought that a friend was sombody one liked.

Similar here, son went to Uni in 2020 - the covid year. He'd already changed his choice to go to a closer Uni as there was so much doubt about how Covid and lockdowns would pan out. The first week he was there, their flat was locked down because one idiot lad had caught covid from over-doing the partying! That was the first two weeks in lockdown. Most of the Uni was closed anyway, all lectures and teaching was online, library closed, most buildings closed. Then general lockdown again. It was a miserable existence for him, he was severely depressed and ready to give it up and sounded suicidal at times!

So, what do we do? Just leave it to him, let him give up, waste his year and £16K (tuition and accommodation fees)? Or do we talk and rationalise it over with him like adults, go through the pros and cons, explore options, etc. In the end he made the right decision to stay and push through it. It was a knife-edge decision, he'd already started packing to come home! In view of his "fragile" mental health, we made sure we face-timed him every day, sometimes twice a day, sent him photos/videos of our pets, sent him parcels with treats and gifts, etc., basically whatever it took to keep him sane and keep him there! We were "on call" 24/7 to go and pick him up if we thought he needed it, so were treading a fine line, but keeping in touch so much gave us comfort that he was OK! As it turns out, it was the right decision, bad first year, but turned around in years 2 and 3 and he finished his course, got his First, which led to a really good job. He can barely remember those "dark" days - I think our memories are more vivid than his!

As a parent, you simply can't just glibly say "he's an adult, it's up to him" - that's very lazy and negligent parenting. You're still a parent when they're 25, 35 and 45! You can't just ignore them. To paraphrase "A child is for life, not just for christmas"!

I went to all the open days on my own and IRRC they were during the week rather than w/e so I didn't need to take time off my Saturday job.
There was no way I would have been able to afford the train fair myself though. If my parents hadn't paid for my train fair to get to interviews I honestly don't think I would have gone.

Oh, come on. It wasn't the norm and you know it. It's still completely normal in the UK for older people to lecture kids not to get an education.

My friends all support their children to a possibly indulgent amount with money, including those that are hard up. I am talking about wider groups of students that I either see through my job, or I've known well through being my children's friends.

I would judge a friend who went on nice cruises and didn't top up their child's minimum loan as the government expect you to do, but luckily I don't have any friends like that, it would be, as you indicate, completely incompatible values.

Why are you worrying what other folk do with their money?

If you want to spend your money on your dc thats your choice, but others might want to spend on different items, projects and lifestyles.

Or is it that you don't like people making different choices to you?

This. I give my kids whatever I can do they don’t have to struggle like I did.

i graduated last year, also had a toddler and was pregnant. it’s not that difficult to pay your own way if you know how to work hard

Perhaps let others live their own lives and stop judging them?

sorry this was in response to @MargotBamborough

Fair play to you, although your circumstances sound rather atypical.

What was your living situation at the time? If you were pregnant, is it fair to assume you were/are living with a partner and that they were contributing a substantial amount to your household income?

How much do you think counts as a top up? I presume you mean a regular amount, like monthly? I think it's nice if parents help out but really education should be more accessible and they shouldn't need to.

@LemonLight when you enter your income to be assessed, there is a calculator which explains how much you have to top up per month. It's not a random amount, it's to equalise those funded by parental top up and those funded by state top up. It's exactly spelt out.