Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

parents living the high life

413 replies

nearlyemptynes · 25/10/2023 12:15

Now I know we make our choices in life and we live with them. I have 3 children and have supported the eldest through uni and would do the same for the other two if that's what they want. I see this as our responsibility as parents. I have friends who have not supported their kids, haven't encouraged open days etc then when they kids don't go they have wonderful foreign holidays etc after saying they couldn't afford to send their kids to uni. AIBU to think they have their priorities wrong?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
user1497207191 · 25/10/2023 13:33

Pezdeoro41 · 25/10/2023 13:26

I think it depends - people may well not be able to afford 50k plus on fees and rent over three years but be able to afford a £2k holiday once a year - stopping the latter wouldn’t mean they could afford the former necessarily. If they’re actually loaded then I get you, but equally this could be a “cutting out the lattes won’t get me a house deposit” situation.

I think you're missing the point. It's not a question of funding the entire £50k cost of a 3 year degree. Most of that can be financed by student loans. It's the difference between the maintenance loans and the actual living costs that parents are expected to finance (or students to finance by working). The maintenance loan simply doesn't cover the rent, food, living costs etc like it was intended to. The amount of the loan depends on parental income, so a student with "poor" parents gets the full loan (still not enough to cover all costs), whereas one with "rich" parents gets the minimum loan which is nowhere near enough to cover costs and the student would probably need to work many hours every week to earn enough to cover the shortfall if the parents didn't pay the difference.

CosimoPiovasco · 25/10/2023 13:34

Doteycat · 25/10/2023 13:31

Depends on where you live.

True.
Scotland Wales etc different.
UK students aren’t all equal.

But my post is the worst case scenario in the UK.
Abroad it’s different.

Annoyingfly · 25/10/2023 13:34

OlderandwiserMaybe · 25/10/2023 12:20

As in am I a Baby Boomer? NO

Well that was fucking predictable. Presumably they wanted to have yet another ignorant ageist bash.

TripleDaisySummer · 25/10/2023 13:37

We were never going to able to fully pay for all university costs - but did save to help a bit and will help with travel there and back and did help with open days - also could afford small school extra like study guides - which have come to a fair bit - and bus fares to college rather than stay on at lack luster school sixth form.

It small scale support but make a massive difference - it's not a level playing field at all and though it never really has been I think social mobility is getting harder.

A lot of previous generation options - even like retaking GCSEs - aren't as easy many low paying jobs don't have career progression there any more.

I was quite surprise how many upfront costs - deposit for uni accommodation - there were well before DD1 actually got any government money.

Wetblanket78 · 25/10/2023 13:38

It's non of your business they might not have even wanted to go to uni. Unless they go into the medical field or are super intelligent. There are loads of uni grads who can't get a job in what they qualified for. Sometimes they are better off getting an apprenticeship learning a trade and gaining experience as they learn.

uncroissantsilvousplait · 25/10/2023 13:40

It's non of your business they might not have even wanted to go to uni.

sorry OP, it seems your post about supporting your children has turned into a debate over the benefits or negatives of University 😂

lifeturnsonadime · 25/10/2023 13:41

DelightfullyDotty · 25/10/2023 13:16

Crikey, you’ve perfectly illustrated how abuse/neglect is continued through the generations. Your mum was wrong and you know this, and yet you’re saying that all young people should be made to fend for themselves. She’s made you harsh and bitter.

That's not abuse or neglect though!!!

It's a disinterest and lack of understanding but abuse and neglect is really going too far.

Blinkityblonk · 25/10/2023 13:41

The amount of the maximum loan is still too little to live on in most areas in the UK now. I am a lone parent, with one wage, no benefits at all, and in an ok medium job and I pay the full top up for my child to attend uni, and will pay full top up for the second as well, and one grandparent has offered to top up some too if we run out of money.

I absolutely do judge on this. I have to pay, on one mediocre income. Both my children have friends who are university material, would have done brilliantly, but either haven't gone or have gone with no money from parents and are already seeking jobs to make up that top up the parents should be paying.

Of course if the parents income is very low, they shouldn't pay- that's what the extra loan evaluation is for, and I also have a friend in this category and they've done amazingly well to support their child to go to uni, supported them, went to all the open days, driven them up there, on the phone being helpful, just in every way being supportive and giving what they can, which is limited due to their valuable but not very high paid jobs.

Those who could pay and don't are so many, not even just for uni- one of the friends of my eldest had to take a job working Sat/Sun to make up income in the household, whilst her siblings who were older sat about not working. She also cleaned their whole house. Be sure I judged when the parent went off on a cruise with their on/off partner. My eldest's friend failed her A levels the first year through exhaustion and nearly didn't go to uni except for our encouragement and help with the forms.

Many people don't seem to give their children even a small allowance, in this cost of living crisis to get the bus to college, making them work when they are attending 5 days a week. Now a nice part-time job is great, but it's bad when you have to work to get food in your household, get the bus and buy clothes when you're 17/18, when there's money coming in your house but you are not given any of it, my dd's other friend has three professional incomes coming in (I have one!) and their child is still in the same few clothes, has not enough for a coffee, is trying to get a job but unsuccessfully as flexible hours are hard if you have college at certain times which has to be travelled to.

I like to think of myself as an easy-going person, and not that judgy, but on this one, I'm absolutely judgy. All my friends pay the maximum they can afford to help their kids- that includes my friend who is a widow, my friends on two minimum wages as well as the richer ones.

Some people honestly just think it all stops at 16, not even 18 and it's not up to them whether their children are clothed, fed or maintained at a basic level. I'm quite shocked by it, and of course then the holidays seem awful.

Antst · 25/10/2023 13:41

TripleDaisySummer · 25/10/2023 13:37

We were never going to able to fully pay for all university costs - but did save to help a bit and will help with travel there and back and did help with open days - also could afford small school extra like study guides - which have come to a fair bit - and bus fares to college rather than stay on at lack luster school sixth form.

It small scale support but make a massive difference - it's not a level playing field at all and though it never really has been I think social mobility is getting harder.

A lot of previous generation options - even like retaking GCSEs - aren't as easy many low paying jobs don't have career progression there any more.

I was quite surprise how many upfront costs - deposit for uni accommodation - there were well before DD1 actually got any government money.

The help you're providing will make a huge difference. For many kids, that kind of help makes the difference between being able to go or not.

Annoyingfly · 25/10/2023 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fits best with your petty prejudice. We're boomers, both kids entirely supported through 4 year degrees, never had to get jobs, huge house deposits and helped financially through transitions.
Every boomer parent we know is the same. Sorry not sorry to prove your narrow minded prejudiced arse WRONG.

Edit: reported your nasty little post.

avocadotofu · 25/10/2023 13:43

I'm with you OP, I find people that don't encourage and support their children odd. My parents really supported my siblings and I and my in-laws didn't support or encourage their children (including DH) and all his siblings are in low paid jobs and struggle. DH didn't value education until he met me and he now has a masters and a well paid career. My in laws own two houses and have lots of foreign holidays and I just couldn't do that while my kids are struggling.

Oblomov23 · 25/10/2023 13:43

Boomers

A link from my FB. He does loads of clips: Boomer, x, millennial, z. He's really funny. My favourite one is Bill the Boomer on Travis's training day.

Training

Dianalouise · 25/10/2023 13:43

I have sympathy with your position OP. Maybe that makes me a martyr but I’d put my kids education and wellbeing above my own every single time. I know that not everyone has the same priorities as me. But yes…I do silently judge them and think it is selfish.

Maray1967 · 25/10/2023 13:44

SecondUsername4me · 25/10/2023 13:02

My dc have 3 local universities they can attend and still live at home. So I'll be supporting in terms of fees, and a free place to live, but if they decide to move away to university, they will need to sort living costs for that move.

So yes, I probably could still take the odd holiday whilst my dc either don't go to uni/go to a local uni/fund their own living costs at an away uni.

Funding living costs for 3 years, plus fees, is no small matter. Way more expensive than an annual holiday.

Why would you be funding fees? Practically no one does that. What needs to be funded are living costs, whether they stay at home and you feed them or whether you top up what they can borrow . Cost us £5k per year but no way are we paying tuition fees. That’s for graduates to pay back over time.

Antst · 25/10/2023 13:44

Blinkityblonk · 25/10/2023 13:41

The amount of the maximum loan is still too little to live on in most areas in the UK now. I am a lone parent, with one wage, no benefits at all, and in an ok medium job and I pay the full top up for my child to attend uni, and will pay full top up for the second as well, and one grandparent has offered to top up some too if we run out of money.

I absolutely do judge on this. I have to pay, on one mediocre income. Both my children have friends who are university material, would have done brilliantly, but either haven't gone or have gone with no money from parents and are already seeking jobs to make up that top up the parents should be paying.

Of course if the parents income is very low, they shouldn't pay- that's what the extra loan evaluation is for, and I also have a friend in this category and they've done amazingly well to support their child to go to uni, supported them, went to all the open days, driven them up there, on the phone being helpful, just in every way being supportive and giving what they can, which is limited due to their valuable but not very high paid jobs.

Those who could pay and don't are so many, not even just for uni- one of the friends of my eldest had to take a job working Sat/Sun to make up income in the household, whilst her siblings who were older sat about not working. She also cleaned their whole house. Be sure I judged when the parent went off on a cruise with their on/off partner. My eldest's friend failed her A levels the first year through exhaustion and nearly didn't go to uni except for our encouragement and help with the forms.

Many people don't seem to give their children even a small allowance, in this cost of living crisis to get the bus to college, making them work when they are attending 5 days a week. Now a nice part-time job is great, but it's bad when you have to work to get food in your household, get the bus and buy clothes when you're 17/18, when there's money coming in your house but you are not given any of it, my dd's other friend has three professional incomes coming in (I have one!) and their child is still in the same few clothes, has not enough for a coffee, is trying to get a job but unsuccessfully as flexible hours are hard if you have college at certain times which has to be travelled to.

I like to think of myself as an easy-going person, and not that judgy, but on this one, I'm absolutely judgy. All my friends pay the maximum they can afford to help their kids- that includes my friend who is a widow, my friends on two minimum wages as well as the richer ones.

Some people honestly just think it all stops at 16, not even 18 and it's not up to them whether their children are clothed, fed or maintained at a basic level. I'm quite shocked by it, and of course then the holidays seem awful.

It's incredibly unfair to kids. No one should be unable to afford to get an education because the system depends on parents deciding whether or not to pay the top-up.

satellitesunshine · 25/10/2023 13:45

i don’t get why they couldn’t fund it on their own though? i was on minimum maintenance loan and still funded my own way

MargotBamborough · 25/10/2023 13:45

satellitesunshine · 25/10/2023 13:45

i don’t get why they couldn’t fund it on their own though? i was on minimum maintenance loan and still funded my own way

How long ago was that?

Doteycat · 25/10/2023 13:46

God I think I will be so pleased if we can give our lot a house deposit.
WTF else is it for? sitting in the bank?
If I have it, they can have it. I have enough.
They work hard, and lets face it they will get it when we pop our clogs anyways. Id rather they had it now when they need it.
WTF else is money for. If you have it, I dont get not sharing it.

Blinkityblonk · 25/10/2023 13:46

In many places now, the minimum loan only pays for accommodation, nothing else. I think you pretty much have a duty to fork out for food and basics like travel on top, and that's what the state says, and it pays for those unable to do that, but everyone else should be reaching in their wallets.

Getting a job on top of that is sensible for students, but it shouldn't be to buy food or basic stuff like a water bill IMO. They don't have the earning power and it's harder than you think to get a good flexible student job in a university town flooded with other students.

BIWI · 25/10/2023 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

No @piisnot3. Your parents are the ones who are selfish. You can't extrapolate to mean all those who are baby boomers.

That is ageist.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 25/10/2023 13:47

I haven’t financed my oldest through university and am taking multiple holidays per year, yet based on your OP you’re judging our lives without knowing the background 🤔

For your info DC out of 3000 applicants secured a 1 of 3 degree apprenticeship with their employer (multinational organisation) meaning he will hopefully obtain a degree (mechanical engineering) while earning and not have to pay a single student loan or debt, they’ve never set foot in a university!

At 17 years old their starting wage is £18.5k.

Higher education is just about university.

Blinkityblonk · 25/10/2023 13:49

I agree this is a very unfair system. The government doesn't make it clear at all that parental top ups are required over a very minimal household income, on purpose, as it would highlight their absolute crapness in supporting students and how the loan is both devalued (worth less in the CoL crisis) and more expensive at the end to pay back.

They hide it on purpose, and those students whose parents are stingy or just don't get that they have to pay out, don't and they suffer.

I assumed most parents got this, but I've honestly seen such bad examples with my children's friends, I end up giving them all money to go out or have a treat just because I feel so bad for their living situations, even though their parents are loving in many ways.

ilovesooty · 25/10/2023 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

That last sentence is a sweeping generalisation.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 25/10/2023 13:50

i put holidays and travel as my top priority in life tbh - life is short so id rather have experiences with my kids than worrying so much about saving for uni

Swipe left for the next trending thread